Remember from Chapter 11 that there are many kinds of orgasm problems. Some women don’t have orgasms at all, some only have them unreliably, and some only have them following very specific types of stimulation. But no matter how a woman’s problems with orgasm manifest themselves, there are some prerequisites to healing them that are common to all women. If you have a problem reaching orgasm, no matter what type of issue it is, before you do the exercises in this chapter you’ll need to set the stage for your healing process by doing the relaxation exercises in Chapter 16, the sexual fitness exercises in Chapter 17, and the self-touch exercises in Chapter 18. It is essential that your PC muscle be in good shape, that you are comfortable touching your genitals, and that you are able to peak and plateau.
What If You’ve Been Faking It?
A lot of women pretend they are having an orgasm when they’re not, especially during intercourse. The most common reason for faking an orgasm is to show your partner that you’re enjoying sex. Women don’t really fake orgasm to be intentionally deceitful. Usually the first time a woman fakes orgasm it’s because intercourse is going on for a long time and she wants it to be over, since many men don’t want to ejaculate until they think their partner has had an orgasm. Then faking becomes a habit.
There’s nothing wrong with making a lot of noise during intercourse. If your doing so makes your partner believe you’re having an orgasm when you’re not, in a sense that’s his problem, not yours. It’s different if he asks you if you’ve had an orgasm and you say yes even though you haven’t. Now we’re into the realm of lying, and that’s a problem.
If you’ve been faking orgasm and/or lying about it, you don’t necessarily have to come clean in order to learn how to really have orgasms. If you would like to use the techniques in this chapter to learn to have orgasms, all you have to say to your partner is something like, “I’ve been reading this book about sex and I want to practice some new ways to have orgasms. So for a while I’m going to stay quiet during intercourse and learn some new ways to focus on what I’m feeling.” You don’t necessarily have to say that sex hasn’t been satisfying for you up to now. You can just frame your explanation in terms of learning new techniques.
Discovering Your Orgasm Triggers
A goal for many women is to learn to have orgasms with intercourse. The first step in being able to do so is learning to have orgasms by yourself (which is also an end in itself, obviously). Furthermore, learning to have orgasms by yourself can help you discover several different ways to have orgasms with a partner that don’t necessarily include intercourse (such as orgasms with oral stimulation or from having your partner caress you with his hand). Remember from Chapter 2 that your body has many sites in the genital area that can trigger orgasm. The external sites are the clitoris (which I’ve nicknamed Old Faithful, because for many women it is the most reliable orgasm trigger), the inner and outer vaginal lips, the opening of the vagina, and the PC muscle. The internal sites are the G-spot, the area around the cervix, and the cul de sac. Any of these locations can be stimulated by either yourself or a partner in such a way that may cause you to have an orgasm.
Talking about the various orgasm triggers on a woman’s body raises the topic of clitoral orgasms versus vaginal orgasms, a potential source of worry and performance anxiety for some people. I’d like to lay to rest the controversy surrounding this issue. One type of orgasm isn’t “better than” the other. They’re different—that’s all. Our knowledge of female anatomy tells us that the two stimulate the nervous system differently, and thus produce different kinds of sensations. But whether a woman prefers one type of orgasm over the other is strictly a matter of personal preference.
You will begin by going through the entire female arousal process described in Chapter 26. As a prelude to becoming orgasmic, you need to do all of the arousal exercises, including peaking and plateauing by yourself (Chapter 18), basic partner exercises (Chapter 22), and peaking and plateauing with your partner (Chapter 26). Those exercises are powerful and can often cause you to become aroused enough to have an orgasm. Start with the exercises that focus on using two different arousal and orgasm triggers: the clitoris (Exercise 62) and the G-spot (Exercise 61). Then try the following exercises to get in touch with your cul de sac before you try to have orgasms with intercourse.
For all of the partner exercises, as outlined in Chapter 19, remember to start with spoon breathing and focusing caresses, and to end with spoon breathing and partner feedback.
Exercise 71. TIGHTENING YOUR PC MUSCLE AROUND A DILDO
For this exercise you will need a dildo that fits comfortably inside your vagina. One of the main reasons why women have difficulty reaching orgasm during intercourse is because their PC muscle is out of shape. Remember that the PC muscle spasms when you have an orgasm. The better shape your PC muscle is in, the easier it will be to have an orgasm.
It’s easier to have an orgasm with manual stimulation or oral sex than it is to have one with intercourse, because your PC muscle has to be in really good shape to spasm when there’s something inside your vagina. The basic PC muscle exercises described in Chapter 17 will get your PC muscle in good enough shape to spasm with manual or oral stimulation. But you may need to get it in even better shape in order to have orgasms with intercourse. That’s where this exercise fits in.
Lie on your back and caress your genitals using plenty of lubrication. Insert your dildo into your vagina and use it to do a few low-level peaks. Now just hold the dildo in your vagina and alternate tightening and relaxing your PC muscle around it. Do twenty-five repetitions. Use either the dildo or your hand to continue peaking, going as high as you can.
Exercise 72. VAGINAL BREATHING
This exercise will help you identify the cul de sac and the muscles that support your uterus. The contraction of these muscles can greatly enhance your experience of orgasm. The way to learn voluntary control of these muscles is to practice sucking air into your vagina and blowing it back out.
Start the exercise by lying on your back and relaxing. Raise your knees, and experiment with tightening various muscles in your lower abdominal area. If tightening any of these muscles causes air to be sucked into your vagina, then you are using the correct muscles. If you can’t locate the right muscles while lying flat on your back with your knees bent, try an old calisthenics position—the upside-down bicycling position. Lie flat on your back and lift your lower body up by bracing yourself on your elbows. You don’t actually need to move your legs. The position alone will cause your uterus to settle on top of your vagina. When you return to a lying position, air will blow out of your vagina. Practice alternating the bicycling position with tightening your muscles while lying down until you get a sense of which muscles are at work. Then start to tighten them while lying on your back. Once you’ve identified the correct muscles, practice sucking air into your vagina and blowing it back out.
Exercise 73. USING A DILDO IN YOUR CUL DE SAC
For this exercise you will need a dildo that fits comfortably into your vagina. Lie on your back and caress your genitals. Put plenty of lubrication on your dildo and stroke your clitoris with it. Peak at low levels, for example 4, 5, and 6, using the stimulation of the dildo on your clitoris.
Now insert the dildo into your vagina. Bend your legs and slowly thrust with the dildo as if you were having intercourse. At the same time, tighten your muscles as you learned to do in the vaginal breathing exercise. Your cul de sac will open up and you will be able to insert the dildo into it. This should cause some particularly pleasurable sensations. Practice moving the dildo in and out of your cul de sac. Finish peaking with this stimulation if you can.
Orgasms with Intercourse
Difficulty reaching orgasm during intercourse is one of the most common sexual complaints women have. Some women strive for orgasm during intercourse not so much because it feels better than orgasm triggered by other types of sexual activities but because they wish to share this loving expression of in
tense arousal, vulnerability, and abandon with their partner. You will find that in addition to making it more likely that you will have an orgasm during intercourse, the following exercises will heighten your senses and deepen your intimacy.
Exercise 74. ORGASM AT THE POINT OF PENETRATION
This exercise helps you get rid of the myth that it takes a long time for a woman to have an orgasm with intercourse. It’s possible to learn how to have an orgasm immediately upon penetration. This exercise uses the peaking process to help you learn to do just that.
Begin the exercise with focusing caresses (such as back caresses) by each partner. Then have your partner lie on his back. Do a front caress, genital caress, or nondemand oral sex with your partner for your own pleasure—whatever you like and whatever is easiest for you to focus on. Your partner will remain passive during this exercise. When your partner becomes erect, kneel over him and use his penis to pleasure yourself. Masturbate with his penis. Remember to breathe and to keep your leg muscles as relaxed as you can in this position. Use your partner’s penis to slowly peak yourself up to high levels of arousal, including 6, 7, 8, and 9 if possible.
If you start to feel anxious, you know what to do: Refocus on the pleasurable sensations, and/or back up to a previous part of the exercise with which you were more comfortable (for example, doing a genital caress with your partner). When you are more comfortable and focused, start peaking again.
Peak up to level 9 by slowly rubbing your partner’s penis on your clitoris and the outside of your vagina. Masturbate with your partner’s penis rather than touching your clitoris with your fingers. When you are on the brink of orgasm (a level 9-plus), open your eyes wide, take a deep breath, and thrust yourself all the way down on your partner’s penis. You will probably have an orgasm within the first few thrusts.
The secret to being able to do this is the peaking process, not the penetration itself. Before intercourse, you may need to spend fifteen or twenty minutes using your partner’s penis to peak yourself up. Don’t forget to allow your arousal to decrease somewhat between peaks. While caressing your partner and masturbating with his penis, it is important to focus on exactly what you are doing and to stay in the here and now. If you anticipate an orgasm or worry about it, it won’t happen. Your ability to concentrate, peak yourself up to level 9, and totally focus on the level-9 state of arousal is what will produce an orgasm upon penetration or shortly thereafter.
A variation on this exercise is to peak yourself up to level 9 several times in a row (rather than just once) and then thrust down on your partner’s penis. Whichever way you decide is best for you (of course, you could always do both), it is likely that this exercise will show you and your partner that you don’t need long sessions of intercourse in order to reach orgasm.
Remember that the primary sign of orgasm is a rhythmic spasming in the PC muscle that lasts for a few seconds. The following three exercises focus on the PC muscle. They will help you learn to make it spasm.
Exercise 75. SHALLOW PENETRATION
Begin the exercise with focusing caresses. Then give your partner a manual and oral genital caress until he has an erection. Get into the butterfly position. Using lots of lubrication, have your partner insert his penis.
With your partner doing deep thrusts into your vagina, peak up to arousal levels 6, 7, and 8. When you reach a level of arousal beyond 8, tell your partner. At that point, he will adjust his position so that he is thrusting only an inch or so into your vagina at most. He should slow down his thrusting so that he is barely moving, and he should use the head of his penis to tease your PC muscle by moving both in and out and in a circular motion. You will probably feel your PC muscle start to twitch with some preorgasmic spasms. When you are on the brink of orgasm, tell your partner. He can then resume deep thrusting, which should send you over into orgasm.
Exercise 76. STIMULATING THE PC MUSCLE FOR ORGASM
This is similar to the previous exercise but focuses exclusively on the PC muscle. Give your partner a manual and oral genital caress. When he has an erection, get into the butterfly position. Put a lot of lubrication on both your vaginal opening and your partner’s penis.
Have your partner rub his penis over your clitoris and along your vaginal lips. Peak up to levels 6, 7, and 8 with this stimulation. Then have your partner insert his penis no more than half an inch into your vagina. His penis should stay within the area of your PC muscle and not enter the vaginal canal itself. You’ll be able to tell that his penis is in the correct position because you’ll feel your PC muscle gripping it. Have your partner very slowly move his penis in and out of your vagina to tease your PC muscle. This can often trigger orgasm.
Exercise 77. USING THE PC MUSCLE TO TRIGGER ORGASM
Use this exercise if you are able to peak all the way up to arousal level 9 but can’t seem to go over the edge to orgasm. Begin a peaking exercise with your partner. Give him focusing caresses and then manual or oral stimulation. When your partner has an erection, climb on top of him and use his penis to peak yourself up to levels 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9 if you can. Take your time doing these peaks.
When you reach level 9, squeeze your PC muscle as hard as you can two or three times in a row. Often, this is all that is necessary to trigger orgasmic spasms.
Exercise 78. IMITATING ORGASM
Imitating orgasm in the way that I describe here is very different from faking an orgasm to please your partner or because you think your partner expects you to have one. What you will learn here is how to fake yourself into thinking you are having an orgasm. This in turn can actually trigger an orgasm.
If you have experienced the peaking process with intercourse both actively and passively and have tried the female arousal techniques in Chapter 26, chances are good that you have had an orgasm (or several). However, if you have not yet experienced orgasm, try this exercise. It is most likely to help you if you can successfully peak up to level 9 with different kinds of stimulation but cannot seem to go over the edge.
Remember that the orgasmic response is a full-body response, not something that occurs only in the genitals. At the moment of orgasm, your face contorts, your arms, legs, and neck spasm, and your PC muscle begins to contract. Your breathing and heart rate reach peaks. The key to faking yourself into orgasm in this exercise is realizing which of those orgasmic body responses are under your potential control and which aren’t. Spasms of your arms, legs, neck, and PC muscle can be under your voluntary control. So can your breathing. Your heart rate is not under your voluntary control. If, when you are at arousal level 9, you enact the bodily responses that are under your control, there is a good chance that you will trigger an orgasm. The secret is to do these things because they feel good, not just in order to have an orgasm.
Begin this exercise however you would like—with focusing caresses or by giving your passive partner a genital caress or oral sex. When your partner has at least a partial erection, get into the butterfly position. I find that position to be the best for the orgasm-imitating technique. Using lots of lubrication, have your partner peak you up to low levels of arousal by stroking his penis on your clitoris and vaginal lips. Then he can penetrate and you can peak up to levels 6, 7, and 8. Don’t forget to allow your arousal to decrease between peaks.
When you are at level 9 or slightly above, take a deep breath, suck in your lower abdomen, hunch your shoulders into the bed, open your eyes wide, and relax your PC muscle. This may trigger an orgasm, which you will experience as a fluttering or spasming of the PC muscle.
Another way to imitate orgasm is to pretend you are having an orgasm and act the way you think highly orgasmic women act. Moan, flail your limbs, or imitate an orgasm vocally like Meg Ryan did in the movie When Harry Met Sally. Research shows that the more we express an emotion or sensation, the more deeply we experience it, and this is true of orgasm. Sometimes women can’t reach orgasm because they are embarrassed to let loose and make a lot of noise.
You can do this version of
imitating orgasm with any activity and in any intercourse position. Do it when you are at a very high level of arousal. This is a more mental version of the exercise that may involve moaning, contorting your face, or pretending that you are with a particular fantasy object. It can work best if what is holding you back is your image of yourself as someone who “doesn’t do that sort of thing.” Pretending that you are a highly arousable and orgasmic woman may allow you to practice orgasm techniques in a nonthreatening way until you feel more comfortable with them.
Both of these ways of triggering orgasm have several things in common. First, you have to be able to focus, breathe, and relax well enough to allow yourself to get up to arousal level 9. If you’re unable to do that, you need to focus on treating your arousal issues using the exercises in Chapter 26. You also have to be able to focus well enough so that you avoid having any distracting thoughts when you are at level 9.
As with any skill that involves learning complex patterns of behavior and combining them, the first few tries may feel artificial. But after you have practiced the techniques for a while, they will become habits and your ability to focus at level 9 will trigger an orgasm.
Exercise 79. BRIDGE MANEUVER
Although this sounds like something out of civil engineering, it is actually a gratifying way to bring your self-discovery together with your sexual partnership. This technique creates a psychological/behavioral bridge between your ability to have an orgasm when stimulating your clitoris yourself and your ability to have an orgasm during intercourse. This is the exercise that all sex therapists recommend for a woman who can have an orgasm by herself but has difficulty having an orgasm during intercourse. The best intercourse position for this exercise is the female-superior position.
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