Lexi, Baby

by Lynda LeeAnne

  “You stay the hell away from me!”

  “Lexi, baby, fuck! I need to touch you.” His voice was now both frustrated and desperate. He ran a hand through his hair.

  “Are you crazy? You lost the right to ever touch me again. I’m nothing to you now, Landyn.” I hissed his full name. I was outraged!

  He looked completely destroyed and possibly even a little angry that I wouldn’t let him come near me, but what gave him the right? The asshole! I thought he would make another move, but he surprised me by speaking softly, “I’m sorry, please just listen…

  “No, Landyn!” I shouted, determined to be strong. Fuck him!

  I was so done with him. I took a few breaths to calm myself. I didn’t want to embarrass myself any more than he already had, so when I looked in his mesmerizing eyes, my next words were quiet but firm, “I hate you, Landyn. I don’t want to hear anything you have to say to me. I never want to hear the sound of your voice again.”

  I took another deep breath as I started heating up again. “I truly hate you and I never want to see you again in my life!”

  Well, it seemed deep breathing didn’t work out too well since I ended that last bit on another shout. So much for not embarrassing myself even more, either; the crowd already surrounding us grew bigger.

  Screw it!

  I continued shouting. “Why? And with her of all people.” I lifted a hand to the devil in the flesh who was staring at me like I was some cool new animated toy. I mean, really?

  “How long have you been fucking her while fucking me, huh? Is she the only one? Were you at least considerate enough to use protection?” I shrieked, half sarcastic, half serious. I paused a second before screaming, “Because you don’t with me! If you’ve given me some kind of disease, I’ll kill you!” I was hysterical now. “You disgust me!”

  He didn’t say anything at all and continued to stare at me with tortured eyes. He at least had the decency to look as shattered as I was.

  “Lex, you’re scaring me. Let’s just get out of here,” Trish said quietly at my side. When she started to pull me away, I realized that screaming at Landyn was pointless. No way could I ever forgive him for this. I turned in a dazed stupor to follow Trish.

  When he spoke next, he spoke so softly and my ears were ringing so badly, I almost didn’t hear him, but I did. I stopped mid-step and every muscle in my body tensed up.

  “Baby, I’m so sorry. I love you so much; maybe too much.” His voice was pained and every word was like a knife twisting in my heart. He paused before continuing. “I made a mistake. One mistake Lexi, I swear. Please just let me explain.”

  At that moment, he started speaking, more like stuttering, rapidly and his voice grew louder. “We’re only eighteen, Lexi, and she was telling me things… I panicked. I know that’s a stupid excuse… I can’t explain it right… She said things about you… I’m really screwing this up… I’ve had too much to drink and she just wouldn’t leave me alone… It meant nothing to me. Please don’t leave me…”

  Well, there was one thing I forgot to mention about Landyn. He could care less about what people thought of him. He would never be embarrassed to grovel. He said everything I would want to hear if I was fool enough to actually believe him and take him back, and as much as I wanted to, I knew he was liar! Likely, it was all just an act to save face in front of our friends.

  I twisted my neck around so fast that I was certain I’d be feeling the effects of whiplash later. He immediately stopped stumbling through his poor attempt at begging me for forgiveness.

  For a second, I was caught off guard when I realized that he had tears in his eyes. The bastard actually had the nerve to have tears in his eyes!

  “Are you kidding me right now?” I asked in a tone that was so shockingly low, it made even my skin crawl. “I. Hate. You.” I forced myself to say again, but meant every word.

  His hand came up to swipe down his face. Seeing him cry only added to my pain, but none of this was my fault.

  “I’ve done nothing but love you Landyn. Being the silly little dreamer girl I am, even at eighteen, I was more than ready to spend my life with you. You were everything to me, but you never will be again.” My voice was becoming uneven and I had to pause to think through the fog.

  “Good luck with the rest of your life Landyn, I really do hope you’ll be happy.” I finished on a whisper, then turned and ran away as fast I I could. I heard a lot of commotion coming from behind me, but I couldn’t look back. I had to get out of there.

  The instant I made it to the front door I heard shouting. “You’re mine Lexi! No matter what happens, you’re mine! Do you hear me?”

  Sheesh! Roar much?

  Outside, Trish started screaming as soon as my feet hit the pavement.

  “I can’t believe this shit! I’m going to hurt him Lex! No, I’m going to pay someone to hurt him because he’s too big for me take down alone!”

  Then all was quiet for approximately two point five seconds before she started again, but this time she spoke in a tone that held so much venom she frightened even me. “I’m not going to kill him… no, that would be doing him a favor.” She paused again. She was thinking which was never a good thing. “I’m going to break a knee cap or his throwing arm so he’ll never be able to play ball again! Maybe even his foot.” She turned to face me suddenly. “Do you know how many itty bitty bones are in one foot?” She didn’t let me answer. “Twenty-six! Yeah, I’m thinking his foot is my best bet. Now I just need to figure out what to drop on it. I’m going to crush it!” she growled.

  I thought she was finished until I heard her scream, yet again, “Destiny! What a stupid hoe-bag! Now, her I can take down myself I just need to do some more planning! It might take years, but she’s got it coming!” I knew she wouldn’t really hurt Destiny physically, at least I didn’t think so, or Landyn for that matter, but Trish was sneaky and so damn smart that she probably would find a way to take them down. That thought made me feel a little better.

  As we drove away, Trish kept on half talking half screaming, but I wasn’t listening. I was silently dying inside. It really wasn’t Destiny’s fault Lan did this to me. I understand that everyone makes their own choices and Landyn made his, even if it was the wrong one. But that didn’t mean it hurt any less.

  Now, Diary, I have decisions to make; major decisions.

  Chapter One

  Six Years Later

  I was standing on the steps, about to walk into the auditorium to receive my Bachelor of Science in Marketing degree, and I couldn’t help but think about that damn diary I found this morning. While I was going through my shoe boxes looking for my gold, strappy Anne Klein heels to wear with my black cap and gown, there it was; in all its glittery pink glory. It was like a slap in the face, or an omen.

  I didn’t want to be here now. I felt too old for this.

  Not that at twenty-four I felt out of place at my own college graduation, I just had way more responsibility than the typical twenty-four year old. I also never wanted to see my six-year torture chamber again.

  So, I’ve been standing on the front steps for the last ten minutes trying to talk Ryan into taking me home, but he wouldn’t budge.

  No way was he letting me ditch and he was relentless at trying to persuade me. “Alexis, you have to do this for Layla. She needs to see her mom graduate and we need to celebrate this day. You’ve worked way too hard not to enjoy it.” He pressed his cheek against mine and spoke in his velvety, soft voice.

  “Truthfully, I just want another reason to spoil you sweetheart, and this time you have to accept anything I give you. It’s a rule.” He pulled back gave me a sweet, but deep, closed mouth kiss. I loved when he kissed me like that, but this time I knew he was only trying to sway my decision. He didn’t know I was already swayed at the mention of my little princess’ name.

  I pressed forward and opened my mouth over his to suck in his bottom lip. He sighed and opened his mouth for me. “You don’t fight fair Lex. I w
as finally winning,” he whispered.

  Yeah, that was more like it. “You already won Ry.” I whispered back and gave him one last pull.

  I knew he was right, like always. Well, not about the spoiling part.

  So, as I now stood backstage waiting for the ceremony to begin, I had to keep telling myself that I was doing this for Layla; and Ryan; and I suppose Trish considering all the bitching she did when I told her I didn’t want to walk. Trish, the lucky hooker, was already half way through her Veterinarian studies.

  I wasn’t happy and I already had a bad feeling about today. Finding my old diary brought back some painful memories. I just wanted to grab my degree and haul ass out of here and all this waiting around was really playing tricks with my head.

  I started chewing away at my cuticles thinking about everything that’s happened to get me to this point in my life.

  Everything after that horrid, sleepless night six years ago that always felt like it just happened yesterday…

  Memory Lane

  The day after Landyn’s betrayal, I was a complete robot set on auto. I worked fast to get out of town so no one, other than my parents and Trish, would find out that I was five weeks pregnant. Secrets were few and far between in small towns. I told my parents and Trish as soon as I found out, but I was planning something special for Landyn.

  I was going to tell him about the baby the weekend after we both started school. I had secretly applied to the local community college near his because there was no way I wanted Landyn changing his mind about going to the college of his dreams. Trish even decided she would work on transferring to his university the next semester to be closer to me and her “soon to be niece or nephew”.

  I begged her not to work her life around mine, but her mind was made up.

  Not that it mattered now. Neither one of us would be moving. It had all been a fantasy. Lan would never know about the miracle growing inside me.

  The day after the Destiny fiasco, Landyn set up camp on my front porch; sometimes he would sit in his car, but he never left the front of my house. He also called a million times to my house phone, cell phone and even my parent’s cell phone; yes, they shared one.

  I ached to see him or simply hear his voice, but I couldn’t give in now. I threatened anyone who looked like they might answer. “Touch that phone and I’ll break your hand!”

  I wouldn’t really, but I’d be seriously pissed off.

  My parents were extremely supportive, but they didn’t agree with me not telling Landyn about the baby. Hell-to-the-no way was I telling him! He didn’t deserve to know. I knew, without a doubt, that he would try even harder to get me back for the baby’s sake, and possibly his own conscience, but I never wanted to see him again.

  One day I might regret not telling him, but at that moment, just the thought of him made me furious and not just at him. I was furious with myself for being so naive. Plus, if I told him about the baby I’d have to see his irresistibly, beautiful face every time he came to visit.

  No fucking way!

  So, my dad contacted the apartment complex where Trish and I were rooming together and managed to talk them into letting us move in two weeks early. I’m sure my parents paid extra for that.

  Somehow my dad even found out there was an open administrative position in the leasing office as well. That killed two birds with one stone because I refused to let my parents take on the burden of my irresponsibility, even knowing the pleasure they would take in helping me.

  Throughout my last few days home, Landyn came by obsessively and called and left messages. I never answered or listened. Somehow I managed to sneak out of the house and move into my apartment. Landyn’s calls continued, but my parents never mentioned if he still came by after I left, even though I had no doubt he did.

  My only saving grace was the fact that Landyn didn’t know exactly which apartment complex I was staying in. I never got around to sharing the details.

  After about two months, Lan’s calls finally toned down to only a few times a week. Then they gradually ceased. It hurt when the calls stopped and I almost couldn’t stand it. I itched to call him up and order, “You better keep calling me, jerk” just so I could take pleasure in thinking he still cared for me. I also longed to hear him say, “Lexi, baby” when he answered the phone in that deep voice of his.

  But I had to move forward.

  I finally started to get a routine together, but as my luck would have it, pregnancy and college didn’t mix very well. In about my thirteenth week of pregnancy, morning sickness turned into twenty-four hour sickness.

  How in the hell that happened, I had no clue.

  I fought as hard as I could to keep up, but my grades just kept slipping. I started to get sicker for longer periods of time. Trish was a life saver, no doubt about it. No matter what boyfriend she had at the time or studying she had to do, she was always there for me, helping in every possible way. She would even clean the bathroom after I threw up when I was too weak to do it myself. She always made dinner or bought take-out. She even rubbed my back and brought me juice.

  Now that’s a best friend for life! I really wished we were lesbians.

  Of course there was always Trish’s random, but fairly consistent cursing of, “that stupid, son of a bitch, asshole, bastard Landyn!” But who could blame her really? She was doing what should have been his job. I cursed him myself on numerous occasions.

  The day the doctor finally put me on bed rest, my world nearly fell apart. Again!

  So much for not needing my parent’s help.

  I became depressed. Having nothing but time on my hands, all I did was think of Landyn. I thought about how he should be experiencing all the ups and downs of pregnancy with me. I thought about how happy he would have been. I knew he would have treated me like a like treasure. I also knew he would have been a great dad. But just as soon as I got the urge to call him and tell him about the baby, I wondered if when I called, would he be in the middle of having sex with Destiny? Or maybe some other random hooker?

  Well, no way was I finding out!

  The only good thing about being so sick was that I wasn’t gaining too much weight, just enough to keep the baby safe. Either way, that’s all that mattered.

  Three weeks early, my little princess came into the world.

  Layla James Martine.

  I know, I know… James is a boy name, but my conscience was telling me she needed a piece of Landyn. My hormones didn’t help the matter either.

  Delivery was a breeze, which I thought I earned for being so sick. As soon as I went into labor I called Trish to come get me and take me to the hospital, then I called my parents. Luckily I made it to the hospital just in time because it seemed Princess Layla was just as impatient as her father. She was born only an hour and thirty minutes after arriving at the hospital. Sheesh!

  When she was placed in my arms I cried uncontrollably. She was a miracle. My little angel. She was unbelievably beautiful, so beautiful that no words would do her justice. She had black fuzzy hair, blue eyes and long curly eyelashes. Her smooth, soft, glowing skin smelled so delicious I had to kiss every inch of her. I constantly rubbed her little hands and feet just to make sure she was real and not porcelain.

  She looked just like her daddy; so much for Landyn becoming a distant memory.

  I would see his face in my little girl every day for the rest of my life. But it was worth it. Layla was all mine and I’d never have to share her. My world revolved around her now and I looked forward to my new future. Everything was perfect.

  So I thought.

  The minute I brought Layla home, things started to get expensive real fast. As soon as I could, I got a job; waitressing at Shark’s Bar & Grill downtown. It was the night shift so it worked out perfectly with Trish’s schedule. My parents also drove in frequently to spend time with Layla and help us out.

  Eventually, waitressing turned into bartending and Mama Number Two Trish, “Aunt T” as she preferred to be called, b
abysat Layla while I worked. I refused to feel bad about leaving her with Trish because Trish loved her with all her heart. Trish was in the delivery room when Layla was born and did everything the daddy was expected to do. She truly was Mama Number Two.

  I really needed to explore this lesbian thing.

  Layla was such a good baby that Trish always threatened to steal her away for herself so that she’d never have to ruin her perfect figure by carrying one of her own. Well, she could try, but I’d hunt her down, cut her up in little pieces, and feed her to buzzards when I got a hold of her.

  I loved Layla so much and she filled my heart with so much joy I thought it might burst. She was spoiled rotten.

  Things started looking up. Way up. I registered two semesters later and took classes online, which of course is why graduating took a lot longer than expected. I also didn’t want to take on a full load and risk dropping my GPA.

  I met Ryan the summer before my junior year. He introduced himself to me at Shark’s. I was busy working behind the bar when he came up and flirted horribly.

  “You’re gorgeous,” I heard a guy’s soft voice say. I quickly looked up at him like he was an alien from another planet. “I’m Ryan,” he said, holding out his hand. I just stared. I realized I must have looked like a dead fish standing there staring with my mouth hanging open, but I couldn’t help it. I was speechless.

  Awkward!

  Eventually I came to and slowly took his hand while I mumbled, “Alexis… Lex…” Now why did I just tell him my real name? Oh, I know why, because he was freaking hot! Not the muscular, rugged, Landyn hot, but more like sleek, sophisticated, smooth hot. I’d seen him in here with his friends. They all came in wearing their slacks and buttoned-down or polo shirts. Sometimes they wore ties. Honestly, they really did clash with the laid back vibe here, but in a way that only made them more noticeable.

  He had short, light, sandy brown hair that he kept gelled and combed a tad bit to the side. It wasn’t dorky, it was sophisticated. He also had beautiful blue eyes. His face was nicely shaped and looked very smooth. His sleeves were rolled up to his elbows and I could see his perfectly tanned skin. His build was lean. I figured he had a runner’s body under those clothes; a very sleek and sexy runner’s body to match his sleek and sexy face.