“I’m not doing this—” She tried to turn away again, but I grabbed her arm and pushed her into the wall next to the opening of the kitchen.
Her eyes sparked, a flame I knew well dancing behind her irises, and she pushed against my cock with her hips. She was turned on and so was I. Not being able to have sex only made it sweeter for when we finally could.
I pressed against her again, enjoying the desperate noises I was drawing from her.
In the background of our heavy breathing, Darrell’s snores were becoming louder than the TV.
“Told you he’d fall asleep and ignore you.” I taunted and lifted her leg, holding it against my hip. “Guess you’ll just have to play with my cock instead.”
She surprised me when she dropped to her knees in front of me and pulled my dick from my jeans. And when her hot mouth covered the head, I hissed in pleasure.
And there, with only a thin wall between us and her sleeping husband, she gave me the best blow job I’d ever had in my entire life.
Two days later, Darrell went on a week-long business trip, which I was pretty sure was code for a drunken week with his buds.
I was happy to be rid of him but angry at the same time since literally the day after he left, the summer came to an end, and I started school. It was my senior year, which I could hardly believe I’d reached, and while I despised the idea of sitting through classes all day when I could be home with Jane, I knew it was what she wanted.
I’d give her anything she wanted.
I’d accepted the fact I was in love with Jane, which meant I needed to be serious about my future since she was my future. I wanted to do right by her.
Finish school
Get a job.
Take care of her.
And so I got up at the crack of dawn, got dressed, kissed my girl goodbye, and went to high school feeling like a chump.
The day dragged as I met new teachers and people and got a new syllabus for each class I was taking.
Six.
I needed six freaking classes to graduate since I’d been so slack over the past few years. Honestly, it had more to do with getting moved from pillar to post—home to group home. It was hard to keep up when you switched schools constantly.
But it was a new day—a new school year—and I had a fresh resolve.
By the time I walked in the door that afternoon, I was mentally exhausted from all the social aspects of school, and I was starving. Lucky for me, the one thing I was hungry for was waiting in the kitchen for me with a snack.
“So how was your first day?” Jane asked from across the table.
I stuffed a chip in my mouth and took a swig from my Pepsi.
“Eh.” I shrugged. “It kind of sucked balls.”
She shook her head. “Sucked balls? Really, Sebastian?”
She hated when I showed my age. I think it made her feel better about fucking me when she could pretend I was older. I was fine with that, considering I had never really felt my age in the first place.
I’d lived a hard life; therefore, I was wiser than my years.
“Learn anything new?”
“Yep.”
“What did you learn?” she asked, pressing for more information on my day.
Standing from my seat, I went around the table to stand in front her. My knees cracked when I kneeled.
“I learned I miss you a ton when I’m away from you for too long.”
She giggled, her face filling with color and making her even more radiant.
“You’re a mess,” she said, pushing playfully at my shoulder.
I grabbed her hand, pressing it again my chest. Looking at her in the middle of the afternoon with the sunlight on her hair and her cheeks rosy with happiness, my heart swelled.
“I love you, Jane,” I said once more.
It was only the third time I’d said it, mostly because I was afraid to push her away, but I couldn’t help it anymore. I wasn’t much for feelings, and I definitely wasn’t one for expressing my feelings, but with Jane, I needed to say it. It was an urge that burned in my chest, and the only way I could get relief was to say the words.
Her face cleared. Her rosy cheeks turning pale, and her eyes wide.
“Sebastian, I …” She nibbled her thumb on her free hand as she searched for words.
All my life, I had been let down by people.
Well, all except for Deloris, but she was gone.
All my life, I’d been dealt blow after blow, being tossed around by life with nothing concrete to hold on to. But at least with those storms, I had warning. Jane was a shock in my life, and the sad expression in her eyes let me know her feelings weren’t on the same page as mine.
It was like a bomb exploded in my heart. It felt as though pieces of vessel and artery were launched throughout the rest of my body and my heart had instantly stopped with the blow.
I stood and released her hand, watching as it fell weakly on her lap.
“You don’t love me,” I said, sure that nothing had hurt quite as much as that moment.
“It’s just …” She started again.
“No.” I held up my hand to stop her. “It’s okay. You don’t love me now, but you will. One day, you will, and that’s all that matters.”
At that, I walked away and went to my room.
It wasn’t ideal, being in love with a woman who didn’t love you back, but it was better than anything I’d ever had before.
I was alone in my room for three hours before I heard the stairs down the hall creak with her steps. The door to my room opened, letting the hallway light in and giving me a perfect view of her beautiful face.
“Sebastian? Are you awake?” she whispered into the dark space.
“Yeah.”
“I just want you to know I’m almost there. What I feel for you can’t be explained, but what you give me each day is more important to me than a lot of things in my life. I’m sorry if I can’t say it back yet, but you’re right; I will one day soon.”
When she closed the door, I felt strangely hollowed by her words. There was something almost cold about them even if she was trying to be warm and caring. Almost as if they were rehearsed. Almost as if she didn’t mean them at all.
FOURTEEN
THINGS WERE OFF THE ENTIRE WEEK Darrell was gone. I was sure it was because I’d expressed my love for Jane while she had expressed nothing.
Maybe all we were good at was sex.
Maybe that was all she wanted from me?
Sadly, I got my answer.
I left for school excited that it was Friday and I’d have the weekend off. Since I’d started school, it seemed Jane was coming to realize how young I was.
Sure, she was the one who had pushed me to go to school, but I didn’t miss the way she looked at me when I walked in the front door with my book bag on and a notebook in my arm.
I was just a teenager, and that was becoming clearer and clearer to her every time she caught me sitting at the kitchen table doing homework.
She didn’t have to say these things. I could see it in her eyes when she looked at me. I could feel it in her touch, which was cold and unfeeling. Her soft kisses were gone, and instead, I got a smooch on the cheek or a kiss on the forehead like I was a fucking child.
It was wrong.
I missed her.
I missed us.
And I was seriously considering quitting school.
Had it not been for Jane expressing how important it was to her that I go, I would have already quit.
Halfway to school, I realized I’d left my notebook on the kitchen table. Checking the time on my phone, I knew I had time to run back and get it. My sneakers smacked against the asphalt as I ran back to the house. Jane had offered to take me, but I didn’t want her to have to get out of bed early for me.
The front door was unlocked, which was strange because I was sure I had locked it when I left. Opening it, I moved through the foyer and toward the kitchen so I could grab my notebook and get back
on my way so I wasn’t late, but just as I was about to step into the kitchen, I heard Darrell’s voice.
“So you’re definitely not pregnant?” he asked.
“I’m definitely not pregnant. I thought for sure it would work. I took my basal temperature every morning and had him come in me every time we had sex, but—”
“Stop,” Darrell interrupted. “I don’t want to hear the details. I know how a woman gets pregnant. Just because I can’t knock you up doesn’t mean I don’t know how.”
“I’m sorry, Darrell.” Her voice was tear-filled and broken.
I leaned against the wall, my heart feeling as though it was turning to dust.
“It’s not your fault. Apparently, our little Sebastian is shooting blanks, too.” He chuckled sarcastically.
Closing my eyes, I held back the tears that burned behind my lids.
“It doesn’t always happen on the first cycle. Sometimes, it could take up to a year. Let’s just stick with the plan and keep trying.”
“No!” he exploded. “I can’t take this shit anymore, Jane. I want a baby just as badly as you do, but it’s killing me knowing you’re sleeping with him. I’m drinking myself numb just to deal. I can’t live this way anymore.”
He knew.
He’d known the entire time.
My knees grew weak, and I slid down the wall until my ass was sitting on the floor. I wanted to leave, but I couldn’t help but stay and listen.
“Please, Darrell. I know this is hard for you, but it’s hard for me, too. I want a baby!” she cried.
“No. What you want is to keep fucking the young buck. You don’t think I hear you up there when I’m pretending to be passed out. Yelling in pleasure. You say you’re faking it, but it sounds awfully real, Jane. No. He has to go. I’m done with this. We’ll adopt a baby if that’s what you want, but I can’t sit by and pretend anymore.”
“Don’t do this, baby. I know it’s hard on you, but let’s just try one more cycle. Just let me get pregnant, and then we can get rid of him. I promise.”
My chin dropped to my chest, and I struggled to breathe.
It was all a lie.
All of it.
No wonder she couldn’t tell me she loved me.
Because she didn’t.
She wanted me, all right, but only so I could get her pregnant. Only so I could do the one thing her husband couldn’t—knock her up.
They had only wanted me for one reason and one reason only … a baby.
I had questioned why they wanted an older foster child, and Deloris had soothed my worries like she always did, thinking she was doing what was best for me. In reality, I was just an ordered stud, and Jane, my sweet Jane, had planned the entire thing out with her husband.
She had seduced me.
Fucked my brains out.
Touched me as I’d never been touched and taught me the ways of a woman’s body.
She made me fall completely in love with her.
All so she could have a baby.
My baby.
“No, Jane, I’m done with this. This isn’t normal. This isn’t how it’s done. There are other ways. We can afford other ways. I want him gone.”
“Please, Darrell,” she begged.
“I can’t fucking believe this. Why are you fighting so hard for this? Do you love him or something?
The room went silent, and while I knew I should get up and leave, I was glued to the hardwood beneath me. I wanted to hear her say it. I needed to hear that while she had started out using me, she had accidentally fallen in love with me.
I would go to the kitchen, grab her hand, and we would leave together. We could go wherever we wanted—be whatever we wanted to be—as long as we were together. I would take care of her, no matter what.
“Of course, I don’t love him. It was hell having him inside me, but if it meant having a baby, I’d do it all over again.”
And just like that, the iron walls went up around my soul, trapping everything I was inside and pushing all feeling out. My heart felt sore for a bit as if Jane had spent the week punching it, and my ability to swallow seemed to go away. But after a few seconds and three deep breaths, I no longer felt anything.
I sat there, staring at the room in front of me, and something shifted. Things changed—altering me from the inside out—sucking away my past and anything that had ever stung my soul and leaving nothing.
The last bits of remaining emotions I had seemed to stall, turning to dust around me and getting caught up in the breeze of the overhead fan.
There was no pain.
There was no happiness.
There was nothing.
“Just let me try with him for one more cycle. If I don’t get pregnant, then he can go. Come on, Darrell. This could be it, babe. A sweet little baby for us to love and cuddle.”
I could hear her kissing his skin, trying to win him over. Little did she know, there would be no more trying. There would be no more anything.
Darrell chuckled, obviously enjoying the attention he was receiving, and then he conceded.
“One more cycle. But only because I love you more than life, and I want to have a family with you.”
She squealed with happiness before the sounds of them kissing reached out and smacked me.
I stood, feeling completely transformed. I was no longer Sebastian Stephens. I was no long the poor orphan no one wanted. I was something different—something darker—something broken beyond repair.
I swallowed the hate working its way up the back of my throat. Disgust mixed with bile and rage. And I adjusted the strap of my backpack, ready to go upstairs, collect my things, and leave.
Just then, Jane and Darrell came around the corner wearing happy smiles on their faces with love dancing in their eyes. And when they saw me, they froze.
My eyes went straight to hers, taking in the soft blue hues, and for the first time since the moment I fell for her, I felt nothing good.
Hate.
Disgust.
Rage.
But nothing hurt anymore.
“Sebastian,” she said, her eyes wide with shock. “I thought you left for school.”
“You thought wrong,” I said, my voice strong and deep.
“Hey, bud, how’s school going?” Darrell asked, quickly trying to soothe the situation.
But there would be no soothing. I’d heard enough to know what the fuck was going on.
“It’s going great. It’s more fun to stay home and fuck your wife, but a man’s got to do what a man’s got to do, right?”
His face went pale with my words.
“Look, man.” I kept going, hoping to dig deeper. “It sucks you can’t be a real man and get your wife pregnant, and as much as I love unloading inside her and leaving you with some sopping wet sloppy seconds, I think it’s time for me to go.”
I started toward the door, forgetting all about my belongings upstairs. Before I left through the front door, I turned back, needing one final dig.
“It was fun, Jane, but there’s only so much old lady twat a boy can take.”
Her face dropped, tears floating into her eyes making them look glazed, and she opened her mouth to speak. But before she could say anything, I pulled open the front door.
“Fuck you very much.” I chuckled as I left the house and slammed the door behind me.
PART TWO
After the Burn
FIFTEEN
I CROUCHED IN THE SHADOWS of the night. The cold seeped through my threadbare hoodie, turning my skin to ice and making me shiver.
I shoved my fists into my pockets, avoiding the small holes that let the bite of cold air in and lifted my shoulders past my neck. The fear of freezing to death was real, and it was only September. I wasn’t sure I would survive the winter when it finally hit. I’d be just like Jared … dead on the streets at seventeen.
Such was life for a boy like me.
The bark of the tree I was leaning against scratched at the fabric of my jacket
as I blew between my palms and rubbed my hands together. My fingers were numb, and the hot air from my breath spilled from between my hands and into the night around me in white clouds of warm promises.
My feelings came back two days after I left their house, which sucked since not feeling anything was much preferred. I was sleeping under a bridge, dreaming about my warm bed at Jane’s house and wishing she was there for me to hold, when it hit me.
Pain.
The anger had subsided.
The shock of it all was gone.
And I felt shredded on the inside.
I was hurt beyond words, my heart feeling colder than the freezing temperatures around me, but still, seeing her seemed to make the cold bearable. Seeing her somehow managed to melt my frigid heart just a bit.
So just like every other night since I left the only home I’d thought I’d found love in, I’d wait until I saw her, and then I’d disappear into the night and try to find a warm, clean spot to sleep.
Soon she would appear across the street from me, and nothing else would matter. Not the cold that ate at my flesh or the hunger pains that burned my stomach, making it twist and growl. Not the stink of living on the streets or the raw ache that consumed me every second of every day that I was away from her.
All that mattered was seeing her face.
Headlights from a passing car flashed brightly against the house next to me, causing me to push myself farther behind the tree. I wasn’t worried anyone would see me. Not only was I covered from head to toe in black, but the tree was safely hidden between two houses. Even if someone was looking for me, they wouldn’t find me.
I was invisible.
Always invisible.
Hiding in the shadows every night, I would go to the same street and look through the windows of the same house, but I was sure to pick a different spot, which allowed me different views of her.
I missed her.
I longed for everything about her, and the only way I could relieve the pressure building inside my chest was to let my eyes feast on her face.
The situation was making me sick.
I was slowly becoming a pathetic, pussy-whipped joke, and I knew walking away was the only thing that would make me sane again. Leaving her behind and forgetting her and the twisted things she had done to me could make me the person I was before I came to her home, but before I could be normal, I would have to go through withdraws, and I wasn’t ready for that.
Little Black Box Set (The Black Trilogy) Page 53
