by Cassia Leo
I was accustomed to snow when I lived with Elaine in Maine. She used to tell me to get my coat on and go outside and play in the snow. I remember the neighbor delivering me onto our doorstop and ringing the bell after he found me in his backyard with blue fingers and lips. I had strayed onto his property, which was a good thing because Elaine didn’t even remember how long I’d been out there. She thanked the guy, and all my eight-year-old mind could think was that maybe I could win a world record for rolling in the snow for six hours. It doesn’t snow that much in Raleigh. And despite all the animosity I feel toward Elaine now, I can’t help but long for the snow when it’s gone.
“Why do you hate her?”
I turn around and find Molly sitting on the sofa with her shoes off and her feet propped up on the coffee table.
“Don’t put your feet on the table. This isn’t our house.”
She rolls her eyes as she removes her feet. “You didn’t answer my question. Why do you hate Elaine so much?”
“I’ve already told you. She’s a worthless junkie who treated us and Grandma like trash.”
I sit next to her and the first thing I notice is that there’s no TV in the living room. Chris and Claire must be getting it on a lot in their new place.
“She did something to you, didn’t she?”
“What? Who?”
“Don’t play dumb with me.”
I kick my shoes off and put my feet up on the coffee table. “Let’s eat first. Then I’ll tell you everything.”
Chapter Thirty-Four
Senia
From perfect to jerk in less than two seconds. The only guy ever to tell me to shut up was Tar Heel point guard Kevin Brown during a particularly wild frat party my freshman year, and I slapped him then pissed in his lap. I was rip-roaring drunk at the time and I needed to pee really badly, but, still, no one tells me to shut up.
“Ma’am, do you know where they might have run off to?”
The security guard’s smooth brown skin comes into focus. “What?”
“Your friend? Do you know where he may have taken the girl?”
I shake my head. “He didn’t take the girl. That’s his fucking sister.”
“Ma’am, we’re just trying to keep the girl safe. There’s no need to use that kind of language.”
The other security guard next to him tilts his head as he stares at me with a skeptical expression on his boxy face. He’s probably judging me – judging all of us in his head. He thinks we’re in this situation because we’re trash or because we’re one of those families that’s addicted to drama. One of those families … Did I just refer to myself as part of Tristan’s family?
Holy shit. I need to find Tristan and Molly.
“I’ll be right back,” I say, pushing box-head out of my way as I stalk off toward the main hospital entrance.
I need to call Tristan and I need to call a cab so I can go get my car. I dial Tristan’s number, but he doesn’t answer. Tristan hardly ever has his ringer on. Most of the time, he doesn’t even have the phone set to vibrate. It’s just completely silent. He doesn’t like to be interrupted when he’s practicing or socializing. But I made him set the phone to vibrate when we got off the plane earlier, in case Molly or Grandma Flo called him. If he’s not answering, he’s probably just ignoring me. Asshole.
I get his voicemail greeting and I try to think of what I’m going to say during the brief seconds while I listen to his voice: I’m not available. Leave a message. Beeeeep.
“I … I think there’s something you’re not telling me and I just want to know how I can help.”
I hang up the phone and try not to cry as I think of the little human swimming inside me right now. He or she is doomed to have a fiery temper with Tristan and me as parents. I wonder if she’ll have Tristan’s golden-brown hair or gray eyes or if he’ll be a clone of me, the way Abigail is a clone of Claire.
I wish Claire weren’t on her honeymoon. I need her. I need to know that this isn’t the end. I need to know that being this scared is normal.
I wipe the tears from my eyes as I walk past the Heart Center and Children’s Hospital where I brought Claire to see Abigail almost three months ago. I think I’m finally beginning to understand Claire more than I did just a few weeks ago. I just wish I could understand why Tristan is the way he is with his mother. There has to be more to his hatred than a tragic story of abandonment.
I open the browser app on my phone and begin searching for taxi companies. The smell of fresh snow in the courtyard is such a fresh, calming scent. I wish I could bottle it up and take it home with me. I close my eyes and breathe it in, let it wash away the doubts I have about my future with Tristan. I don’t see the patch of ice on the concrete stairs. One second I’m falling, falling through the smell of snow. The next second, everything is gone.
Chapter Thirty-Five
“I got tired of being the man of the house,” I begin as I set my empty plate on top of the pizza box. “I was twelve years old and you were four. Grandma did the best she could, but she was struggling with money because she was living off the savings and insurance money from when Grandpa died. Grandma didn’t know, but I had started stealing stuff from stores to sell to people at school for money. I told her I didn’t need her to make me school lunches – I thought I was too cool for that – and I told her not to give me any lunch money. But it all became too much. I started to resent Grandma for being so damn cheap and poor.”
I clutch my stomach as the guilt twists my insides. I’ve made more mistakes than I can count, but not being happy with the life Grandma provided for us was the biggest.
I take a deep breath and continue. “Then I got into trouble when one of my friends’ parents found a bunch of watches we’d stolen. I thought that was it. I was going down. My grades had been slipping for a while. I hated coming home every day and knowing that I was going to have to keep you entertained while Grandma spent two or three hours cooking and cleaning. I just wanted to hang out and do bad shit with my friends, but Grandma wanted me to be a responsible young man.”
Molly’s golden-brown eyes are locked on me as she listens, rapt with attention as I prepare to tell her everything I probably should have told her years ago. I think I never wanted Molly to know because I was afraid of Grandma finding out. I don’t think Grandma would judge me, but I think it would destroy her to know that the daughter she still loves very much would do something like that.
“I showed up at Elaine’s house and, at first, she didn’t know what to do with me. She put me to work cutting the lawn and delivering packages, which I assumed were filled with drugs.”
I close my eyes and grit my teeth as I think of the fear that twisted my stomach into knots as I made those deliveries. But even with all the fear that consumed me, there was still an element of excitement to it. And the money was pretty good: $25 per delivery, which usually took less than an hour to complete.
“I thought to myself: I can do this. I can deliver stuff on my bike. It was summer. If I weren’t at Elaine’s, I’d probably be riding my bike around town every day anyway. But this way, I was making money.” I look at Molly and she’s biting the corner of her lip nervously, like she knows what’s coming. “But the deliveries didn’t last. She came to me and told me she found a place for us to live – just her and me. She said she needed to make enough money for the first month’s rent and deposit. We needed two thousand dollars and we could leave. All I had to do is have sex with a girl who actually wanted to have sex with me.”
Molly’s face contorts as she begins to cry quietly.
“She told me that we wouldn’t be able to get the apartment in time just doing deliveries. It would only be a few times and we’d make enough money to leave … I told her I’d never had sex with anyone and I didn’t want to do it, but she wouldn’t let it go. She had a c
ouple of her friends talk to me about it. And one of the younger girls who lived there – I think her name was Cecily, or something like that – she was a heroin addict who was actually kind of pretty. Anyway, she got me drunk and we started making out. Then she just got up and left and I thought maybe I did want to have sex. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad.”
I draw in a deep breath and I close my eyes so I don’t have to see Molly’s face when I continue.
“I had sex with the first girl that night. I never found out her name, but I didn’t need to know it. We were both there for the same thing, to get paid. Only thing was she was getting paid in drugs and Elaine was getting paid by … by the guys who came in and watched us.”
Molly has the heels of her hands pressed into her eyelids and I can’t bring myself to touch her to comfort her. I feel filthy, as if the guilt is seeping through my skin. The shame is something I’ve lived quietly with, but talking about it now … it’s so fucking loud and vile. I don’t want to go on, but I know I can’t stop now. She needs to know.
“The first two times were horrible, but the last girl …” I let go a deep sigh as the first sign of tears form in my eyes. “You remember Ashley, don’t you?”
She uncovers her eyes and looks at me with pure shock in her eyes. “Ashley?”
I cover my face to hide the tears. “I hate myself for what I did.”
“Oh my God, Tristan. You … you’ve been living with this and I never knew? All this time, I thought you were mad at Elaine because she’s a piece-of-shit junkie.”
She grabs my hands and pries my fingers away from my face. “Don’t do that,” I say, pushing her away.
She sniffs loudly, her lip trembling as she looks me in the eye. “I hate her.”
“Don’t say that. She didn’t do anything to you. That anger is mine to carry, not yours.”
“Yes, it is! She hurt you and now I’ll never be able to look at her again. I hate her! Oh my God, I hate her so much.”
The mixture of rage and agony in Molly’s face kills me. I don’t want her to be consumed by this the way I have been. Maybe I shouldn’t have told her anything.
“Hey,” I say, grabbing her arm to turn her toward me. “Don’t let her do this to you. She did it to me for way too many years … It’s time to let it go.”
Her nose is starting to drip from crying so hard and I get a strange urge to use my sleeve to wipe it clean, the way I used to when she was a kid and I was too lazy to get a tissue. I get up from the sofa and head for the kitchen to get a paper towel. When I come back, her eyes are closed and her head is leaned against the back of the sofa. Her chest stutters as she draws in a deep breath.
I tap her arm to get her attention and she takes the paper towel from me. She shakes her head as she wipes her face clean.
“Take me back to the hospital. I’ll go with a foster family for a couple of days. I just don’t want you to get in trouble.”
“You’re not going to live with strangers. You’re staying with me tonight.”
“You can’t pretend that nothing is going to happen to you if you keep me here.” She turns to me and fixes me with an intense glare. “And you need to apologize to Senia and tell her everything, or I’m not living with you.”
I can’t help but chuckle at this threat. “You really like her, don’t you?”
“What’s not to like? She puts you in your place and she has the best drunk stories.”
“She does.”
I pull my phone out of my pocket to listen to Senia’s voicemail, when I notice I have a text from Elaine.
Elaine: Your girlfriend fell outside the hospital. She’s in the emergency room. It don’t look good.
Chapter Thirty-Six
I didn’t know love had a sound. I know that Senia’s tongue tastes like Tic Tacs, and, to me, that tastes like love. I know her neck smells like Ralph Lauren perfume. And I know the softness of her skin on every part of her body. But I guess you don’t really know the sound of love until you hear the sound of your heartbeat pounding in your ears when you’re worried about the one person you hope you never have to live without. The two people you can’t live without.
Molly and I race to the underground lot and jump into my car. The battery indicator on the dashboard is extremely low. I didn’t leave the car charging before I went to Vegas, then I drove the car from Cary to Raleigh, and to Chapel Hill. I won’t get far on what little charge I have left on this battery.
Fuck it. I have to at least try.
If I punch the accelerator too hard, the battery will wear down faster. So, as difficult as it is to restrain myself, I try to drive like Grandma Flo. I can’t fucking believe I left Senia there alone. What the hell is wrong with me?
The battery indicator goes down again and now it says I have twenty-one miles left on this charge. I punch in WakeMed on the GPS and my heart drops when I see it’s still twenty-three miles away. I have to find a shortcut somewhere.
“Molly, Google shortcuts. Look for open fields or parking lots that I can cut through. Hurry up!”
She pulls her phone out of her pocket and her fingers fly across the screen as she attempts to find a shorter path to the hospital.
“I don’t know! I don’t know what any of this means. I don’t know how to read a map!” she cries.
I take the phone from her hand and attempt to keep my eyes on the road as I also search the map on her phone for open spaces. There’s nothing I can cut through. The path to the hospital is almost a straight line. I’m fucked.
Twenty-seven minutes later, I pull my car into a Wal-Mart parking lot just in time to get it into a parking space before it dies. I yank the key out of the ignition and turn to Molly.
“As soon as I get out of the car, lock the doors. Call Jackie to pick you up. She should be home from Vegas. And if she’s not, call Elaine.”
I leave her my key so she can arm the car alarm, then I take off running in the direction of the hospital. The buildings and trees on New Bern Avenue are a blur in my peripheral vision as I haul ass down the sidewalk. And at that moment, it dawns on me. I should have responded to Elaine’s text to ask her to tell the hospital staff that Senia’s pregnant. Fuck!
I have to get to her. I have to tell them so they can make sure everything’s okay with the baby.
I’m thankful for all those morning workouts in my home gym because, by the time I reach the emergency-room entrance, I’m on such an adrenaline high, I still feel as if I could run a marathon if that’s what it took to get to her. I tumble through the sliding doors and into the emergency room and I’m not sure I’m making sense. But the nurse must understand all my frantic words and gestures because she leads me into Bay B of the emergency room. The curtains are drawn on most of the beds, and I want to tear them all open to find her, but I restrain myself. The nurse is looking straight ahead, so I have a feeling Senia is in the bed near the back of the room where the curtain is open.
I walk a few steps ahead of her and when we reach the last bed, the space is empty. There’s no bed or Senia.
“Where is she?”
The nurse looks confused. “Hmm … They must have moved her.”
She turns around and heads back toward the nurses’ station. “Why would they move her? Is she okay? What does her file say?”
She looks at the file in her hand and flips through a couple of pages. “She was unconscious when she came in. She presented with what looks like a broken finger and a pretty bad laceration and contusion on the back of her head.”
“And the baby?”
“She’s pregnant?”
“Yes! I thought I told you that.”
“No, you said you were her husband, but you never said she was pregnant.”
She power-walks the rest of the way to the nurses’ station and types something on
her computer. When she finds the information she’s looking for, she dials a number on the desk phone.
“Yes, please let Dr Vartanian know that the patient is pregnant. Yes, thank you.” She turns to me before I can say anything. “They stitched up her head, but it’s lucky you got here when you did. They were about to give her a CAT scan. They’ll have to examine her first; make sure the baby’s okay.”
“When will I hear from them? Can I go there to be with her?”
“You can wait in the waiting room right outside there and I’ll let you know as soon as I hear anything.”
I heave a deep sigh because I don’t want to believe the words I’m about to say. “My grandmother is in ICU – Florence Pollock. You can reach me in her room.”
I trudge through the hospital corridors, feeling so completely broken, it doesn’t even occur to me that I won’t find Elaine here. Grandma and the steady sound of air being pushed in and out of her lungs are the only things to keep me company now. Elaine must have gone to pick up Molly. I text Molly to make sure she’s okay, and she texts me back right away to say that Jackie never answered so she ran to the hospital right behind me. She’s just walking through the parking lot now.
I shake my head at her defiance as I take a seat in the chair next to Grandma’s bed. I can still feel the blood pulsing in my legs from the run over here. Stroking the soft skin on her arm, I try to think of something to say to her. What do you say to the person you never properly thanked for saving your life?
“Grandma?” I whisper. “I don’t know if you can hear me, but I want you to know that I’m sorry I didn’t thank you enough for everything you’ve done for me and Molly. I wish I would have told you this before I left to Vegas yesterday, but you’re the best mom I could have ever asked for. You made me believe that people could be good; that life could be good. You taught me that hard work isn’t always fun, but it always pays off.”
