Because even though I have a hundred warnings going off in my head, a thousand reasons to stay away, I can’t. I can’t help myself, and I’m not sure I want to. I’d be here in a heartbeat if she needed me. And that’s not going to change.
FOUR
tessa
“Mama! It’s time to call Uncle Cade!”
“Okay, okay, just give me a second,” I say as I hurry to clear the plates from dinner—another meal my brother would be ashamed even got prepared in his kitchen. I try my hardest, but the fact is, some nights I don’t have the time—or energy—to do anything other than microwave something.
“It’s ringing!” Haley yells from the living room.
“Answer it, then.”
She does and then her voice is animated as she chats with Cade, telling him all about story time at school and the project she brought home from Miss Melinda’s. They chat for about ten minutes—just long enough for me to get the counters wiped down and the dishes loaded into the dishwasher. I walk into the living room and find Haley leaning so close to the laptop, her face—well, her nose and mouth, anyway—takes up the entire portion of her side of the screen.
“Move back, baby. Uncle Cade can see you better that way.”
“I was giving him a kiss, though.”
I huff out a laugh. “Okay. Why don’t you go ahead and say bye? It’s time to get your jammies on.”
“Bye, Uncle Cade. Talk to ya later!”
“Love you, short stuff.”
“Love you, too!”
“Remember, no messing around, or we won’t have time to read a book tonight,” I call after her fleeing form. A brief wave of her arm is the only response I get, and I plop on the couch, rolling my eyes. “Already with the sass.”
“Gee, wonder where she gets that from.”
I look up at the screen, Cade’s smiling face filling it. He looks good. Ever since Winter got back a couple months ago, he’s been better, happier. And he loves his job, which helps things. I’m so happy for him, that he got this amazing opportunity right out of school. But, God, I miss him.
“Even though this is Skype, I can still hang up on you, you know,” I say.
“So we’re in a bad mood tonight, then.”
“I’m not . . .”
“What’s up?”
Shaking my head, I answer, “Nothing.”
“Tessa, this isn’t like talking on the phone. I can actually see your face. You’ve never been able to lie to me. Now, what’s going on?”
“It’s really nothing. I’m just . . . feeling a little overwhelmed.”
“With work?”
“And Haley and home stuff and . . .” I sigh and slump back on the couch. “Life.”
He frowns, his brow furrowed, and I know without his saying anything that he’s feeling guilty for leaving me. And that makes me feel even worse.
I sit up and lean forward again, pointing a finger at him. “Don’t. Don’t even start that. This is my fault, not yours. I just haven’t found my groove yet.” I shake my head, closing my eyes as I rub them with my fingers. “It’s been a bad week. Tuesday, I was late getting Haley again, and then I fell asleep on the couch. Haley got into my makeup—which I didn’t even know about until the next morning when I saw the pile it was in under the sink.”
“If she got into your shit, how could you not know? That girl loves painting her face like a clown.”
“Jason must’ve cleaned her up before putting her to bed.”
Cade’s eyebrows lift to nearly his hairline. “Jase?”
“Yeah, he stopped by that night. And then . . .” I take a deep breath and close my eyes briefly. I know I have to tell Cade about the pipe—he’d want to know—but voicing my failure sucks. “He was here again night before last because, um, the pipe in the bathroom froze and burst.”
He opens his mouth to say something, then closes it, probably realizing I’m already beating myself up over it and I don’t need his help. Before he can say anything, I continue, “Anyway, I called Jason and he came over. Helped me get the water shut off and called a plumber. It’s all fixed now, but . . . it’s just been an exhausting, taxing week.”
He’s quiet for a minute, just staring at me, then says, “I’m glad you got everything fixed.” Clearing his throat, he looks off to the side, then back at me. “So, has Jase been stopping by a lot?”
I shrug. “Yeah, ever since you left.”
“Hmm . . .”
Narrowing my eyes at his tone, I ask, “What’s the ‘hmm . . .’ for?”
He shakes his head, and just like that, his face is wiped free of the suspicion I saw a moment ago. “Nothing. So the pipe burst—it happened to Mom, too, remember?”
“Yeah, I remember. Which is why I should’ve remembered what to do to prevent it.”
“Cut yourself some slack. You’re still beating yourself up over what happened Tuesday with Haley, too, aren’t you?”
I avoid his eyes, and that’s all the answer he needs.
“Tess. So you were a little late and you fell asleep. Remember when I fell asleep watching her and she used markers to draw all over the couch cushions? It happens.”
I don’t say it, but all I can think is that it shouldn’t happen to me. And maybe that’s me putting too much pressure on myself, but I’m her mother. Not her uncle or a babysitter or a family friend. What if she got into the kitchen? If she grabbed a chair and climbed on the counter and pulled out a knife? Or got into the cupboard where the matches are kept? What if she drank Lysol or fell down the basement stairs and I didn’t even hear her cry because I was so fucking exhausted?
“Don’t.” Cade’s sharp tone snaps me out of my thoughts, and I look at him on the screen. “I know exactly what you’re doing. Every worst-case scenario just went through your head. You’re only going to drive yourself crazy. You’re a great mom, Tess. And she’s a great kid, because of you. Don’t ever doubt that.”
I take a deep breath and nod, knowing he won’t drop it unless I do. “It’s fine. I’ll be fine.” I shake my head a little and wave my hand in front of the screen, sitting up again and moving closer to the computer. “Enough about me. What’s up with you, Mr. Super Important Chef?”
He snorts, the smile I know and love lighting up his face. “Still feeling like I should pinch myself.”
“It’s going good, then?”
“Better than. John’s been giving me more responsibility in the kitchen, especially when Oscar, the head chef, is off. I think . . . I think he’s testing me. He’s been traveling a lot, looking at different sites for new restaurants.”
My heart speeds, hope and excitement bubbling up. “Yeah?”
“Yeah. Don’t know where yet, or even when. He’ll build from scratch, more than likely, so it’s looking like several months, at the earliest.”
“How do you like Chicago?”
“It’s . . . different. I mean, it’s great. I love being in the city, and Winter enjoys it, but . . . it’s not home.”
I nod, realizing how much he misses it here. It wasn’t just me it affected when he moved. Yeah, I lost my brother, my help, and my companion, but he left everything. I’m not sure I’d have the courage to do that. Just another reason he’s the one person I’ve ever looked up to.
I hear a feminine voice in the background, and Cade turns his head, nodding with a smile on his face. When he turns back to me, he says, “Hey, I gotta run.”
“All right. Tell Winter I said hi.”
“I will. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Bye.”
I close my laptop, then fall back against the couch. Even though nothing got settled, I feel better for having talked with Cade about what’s been going on. I’ve tried so hard to put on a front for him since he left, keeping all my worries buried, because the last thing I want is for him to feel guilty. He had enough doubts about leaving in the first place. He doesn’t need my problems heaped on him as well.
I just need to get into a routine, figure
out how to do this on my own, and then everything will fall into place.
I’m sitting for only a minute before Haley comes rushing out of her room, her princess nightgown hanging to just below her knees. I look over at her, my reason for everything, and smile. “Ready, baby?”
“Yep!”
I let her grab my hand and pull me up, following behind her down the hall. At least it seems no matter how much of a clusterfuck I think life is, she remains unaware. And that’s exactly how I want to keep it.
jason
The professor dismisses class, and I pack up my shit, shoving it into my backpack as I shoulder it and head toward the door, the three people I was assigned to work with on a group project left behind at the table. I don’t get far before one of the girls tugs on the sleeve of my hoodie.
“So, you’ll call me, right?”
I glance at her, walking a little too close to be the friend she’s been pretending to be. When I don’t answer, she continues, “You know, to talk about the project?”
I don’t mention the fact that she didn’t ask either of the other two in our group to do the same. It’s easier to placate her. “Yeah, sure. I’ll see you later, Kristi.”
“Bye,” she says with a wave, her smile too bright, her eyes hidden behind layers of whatever shit it is girls put on their eyelashes. She doesn’t look all that different from how I found Haley the other night.
I take the stairs two at a time until I’m outside. A quick glance at my phone shows I have about half an hour before my next class, so I detour to the coffee shop to grab a caramel macchiato. The line’s not too long, fortunately, and it takes me only a couple minutes to get to the front.
“Hey, Jason,” the barista says.
“Hey”—a quick glance at her name tag fills in the blank for me—“Stacy. How’s it goin’?”
“Good.” She smiles and leans forward a little, giving me a glimpse down her shirt. “You want the usual?”
I look—of course I look—and then glance back up at her face. I don’t recognize her, so I don’t think she’s in any of my classes. And I don’t come in here that often, so the fact that she knows my usual order is a little disconcerting. “Uh, yeah, thanks.”
“Sure thing.”
She moves away from the register and makes my drink, even though there are others still in line behind me. When it’s finished, she hands it over with another smile. “See you later, Jason.”
“Yeah, later,” I say as I head out the door. I don’t need to take the sleeve off the coffee to know she’s written her number underneath it on the cup. I don’t even know that girl, but it’s obvious she’s heard of me.
I’m about halfway across campus when my phone rings. Caller ID shows it’s Cade. “Hey, man.”
“Hey, you busy?”
“Nah, just walking to class. What’s up?”
“Not much. Talked to Tessa last night.”
“Yeah? She tell you about her week from hell?” He doesn’t say anything, and I pull the phone away to make sure I didn’t lose the connection. “Still there?”
“Yeah.” He clears his throat. “She, ah, she said you’ve been coming by a lot since I left.”
“Yeah, I guess,” I answer with a shrug.
“Why didn’t you ever say anything?”
“Why didn’t I ever say anything about what?”
“That you were seeing her so often.”
“I . . . don’t know?” Except I do know. It’s because the thoughts I’ve been having about Tessa aren’t exactly the kind of thing you share with her big brother. Playing it off as nothing more than the favor he asked of me before he left, I say, “You told me to watch after her. Sorta figured you’d take it as a given that in order to watch after her, I’d have to, you know, physically see her.”
He grunts, but doesn’t say anything more.
“What’s that shit for?”
“Nothing.”
“Don’t bullshit me.”
“Don’t fuck with her, okay?”
I stop dead in my tracks. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” The tone in his voice suggests what I already know—that if he knew . . . if he had any idea the kinds of thoughts I’ve had about his precious baby sister, he’d beat my ass so hard, I’d be lucky if I landed in the hospital instead of a graveyard. And I know the reason for his trepidation about me and her is because he knows exactly what kind of history I have. He knows the name of every single girl I’ve ever been with—not to mention detailed descriptions of what I’ve done with most of them—from tenth grade on, and the list is extensive.
Proving me right, he says, “Look, man, I know how you are. And that’s fine. That’s cool. But it’s not cool with my baby sister.”
“Fuck you, Cade.” I laugh it off, though his words sink into my chest. Despite figuring that’s what he’d think, hearing him confirm it . . . knowing he thinks so little of me fucking sucks.
“I’m serious.”
I clench my jaw. Voice hardened, I answer, “So am I.”
Instead of hearing the steel in my voice and backing off, he presses. “You get an itch, go to one of your fuck buddies. Don’t scratch it with Tess. Am I making myself clear?”
“Crystal,” I mumble. “I gotta run. I’ll talk to you later.”
I hang up before he can say anything more, pissed off that he thought he even needed to have that conversation with me. I’d never use Tess like that. Despite the incessant thoughts about her that I can’t seem to get rid of, I’m well aware she’s not one of the dime-a-dozen girls who throw themselves at me every day. And it pisses me the fuck off that he thinks that’s how I see her.
That’s never been how I’ve seen her.
She’s always been someone more . . . someone different, even if there wasn’t anything between us. And this conversation just once again proves exactly what I’ve known all along.
That she deserves a hell of a lot better than an asshole like me.
FIVE
jason
Even after an afternoon full of classes, I’m not any calmer after my phone call with Cade this morning. I’ve done nothing all day but stew over what he said, and little by little, I’ve just gotten more pissed off. I know I don’t have the best reputation with girls, and I own that. I’ve never had a problem with the way people view me.
Or I didn’t until today.
I’ve always thought of Cade like family—he and Adam both kept me sane when my parents threatened to drive me off the edge. They kept me sane after my grandpa passed away a few years ago. They’re the brothers I never had. And it’s always been a joke between us—the revolving door in my bedroom—but something about the way he said it, or maybe whom he was referencing, pissed me the fuck off, whereas normally it’d just roll off my back.
Just as I walk through the door to my apartment, my phone buzzes in my pocket, and I pull it out to see Adam’s name on the screen. I wouldn’t put it past Cade to call him and get him to bitch me out about this as well. Blowing out a breath, I answer, “Don’t tell me you’ve called to warn me to stay away from her, too.”
There’s a beat of silence on the other end before he says, “Stay away from who? And who told you that?”
I groan, dropping my head back on my shoulders. I totally fucked myself over with that one. “Whatever, it’s not a big deal. What’s up?”
“Nothing, just sitting in traffic. So who are you supposed to stay away from?”
After a brief pause, I say, “Tess.”
“Tess? As in . . . Tessa? Our Tessa?”
“Well, Cade’s Tessa, if he has any say in it.”
“Wait a minute. What am I missing here? Since when is there anything at all with Tessa?”
“I don’t know, man. All I know is I’m here, looking after her and Haley, doing exactly what Cade asked me to, and then I get a phone call today because I’ve been spending time at their place.”
“O . . . kay,” he replies, clearly confused.
“Basi
cally told me to dip my dick somewhere else.”
“Shit.”
“What the fuck, right?”
“Did Tessa say something to him?”
“I don’t know, she probably told him I was there helping out a lot last week. And then he flips out.”
“You know how he is with her. I’m surprised he doesn’t have surveillance on her.”
“Yeah, I know how he is with her, but I don’t give a fuck. That shit’s not cool.”
“I’m not saying it is.” He’s silent for a minute, then he clears his throat, and I’ve known him long enough to realize he’s about to ask something that’s going to make me uncomfortable. “So . . . is there anything going on with Tessa?”
“Oh Jesus. Not you, too.”
“Hey, I don’t care one way or another, so long as she isn’t just another chick in your bed.”
“You know she’d never go for that, even if that’s what I wanted.”
“Well, do you?”
“No,” I say immediately. When only a weighted silence greets me, I groan. “Fuck, I don’t know. I mean . . . did you realize how hot she is? When the fuck did she get hot?”
He barks out a laugh. “Uh, yeah, I knew. You saying this is new information to you?”
“I’m saying I never saw her as . . . that. Or I didn’t let myself see her as that, whatever. But lately”—I scrub my hand over my face—“fuck, I don’t know.”
“You already said that.”
“Yeah, well, the sentiment is still accurate.”
“You better know before you start anything with her.”
“I’m not going to start anything with her.”
“Why not? I know Cade would be a pain in your ass—”
“That’s putting it lightly.”
“—but who cares? He’d get over it. Eventually.”
I’m shaking my head even before he can finish. “It’s not gonna happen. And it has nothing to do with Cade and everything to do with me. C’mon, man, you know Tess wants the real deal. That’s why she’s been doing that online match bullshit. That’s not me.” Before he can say anything more, I change the subject. “Besides, I have other shit to worry about. My parents have finally added a deadline to my ongoing undergrad career.”
Tessa Ever After Page 4
