by Raven, C L
"Bandit." Nobody would mess with a girl called Bandit. Six men stepped forwards. "Who are you? Brothers Grimm?"
All wore black and were as pale as she was, with dark hair. She wondered whether her father had repopulated the woods and stashed his secret sons here. That would be typical – they got to live out here playing outlaws while she was forced to be a princess and live with old Hag Bags.
"This is our cabin," one answered. His lips were scarlet. Like he'd been…she saw a girl sprawled on the floor behind him. Blood edged around her like a chalk outline.
Shit. "It needs redecorating." She wriggled, but the man holding her tightened his grip. "I told you my name, it's only fair you tell me yours."
The closest one smiled, a smile a rattlesnake would be proud of. "Tudor." He pointed at the others in turn. "Doc Carl Vorkian, Ryan, Zack, Jez, Iolo and your human shackle is Rhydian."
A knock on the door broke the spell. Zack, who blocked the door, opened it.
"Have you seen a girl in the woods?"
The huntsman. Swearing in her head loud enough to make saints blush, she shook her head. Tudor smiled.
"I've seen girls before," Zack answered.
"She's seventeen, a…Goth. Acts like smiling's illegal." Bandit raised her eyebrows. It wasn't like she had anything to smile about. Most kids complained if their parents bought them the wrong iPod. Her stepmother put a hit out on her. "The king's offered a reward for her return."
"Dead or alive?" Tudor asked.
"Alive!"
"Has anyone seen a girl?" Zack asked.
"I've seen a bear," Ryan said. "Is she fond of dressing up as a bear?"
"The queen misses her terribly."
Misses tormenting me, Bandit thought.
"If we find her, we'll return her." Zack closed the door.
"Something you'd like to share with the class?" Rhydian asked.
"The queen tried to have me killed. She's furious I got the drop on her huntsman. She clearly wants to finish the job."
"Why does she want you dead? You seem so charming," Iolo said.
"I'm alive. That irritates her."
"You can stay here," Ryan told her.
"If you think I'll be your next victim, think again. I'd rather play Russian roulette with a chainsaw."
"You keep our secret, we'll keep yours." Jez promised as Rhydian released her. In the hypnotic flames of the candles she saw seven pairs of fangs.
***
"Did you find Les Miserablés?" The queen demanded.
"I found a cabin in the woods. There were seven men, but they denied seeing her."
"Seven men in a cabin? They're obviously not there for bible camp."
"They looked like Goths."
"Her very own freak club."
"What would you like me to do?"
"I'll deal with Countess Dracula. She'll regret outsmarting me."
***
The cabin was eerily quiet, the forest concealing enemies in its wooden fortress. The vampires were out hunting, the darkness a cloak they used to prowl unseen until their chosen victim was lifeless in their arms. Bandit rubbed a sore patch on her neck. It stung when Ryan bit her but then euphoria seeped through her. Now it itched like a son of a bitch. The door knocked. She gripped her dagger and opened it. A gypsy stood on the doorstep.
Bandit smiled, spying the soft part of the woman's throat where her dagger would fit. "Yes?"
"I'm selling laces."
Bandit eyed the corset laces. One was black with little white skulls. She'd frayed her laces running through the woods. Laces made handy ligatures when she wasn't wearing straps. She was a walking arsenal.
"I'll take the skull ones."
"Are you sure you don't want the pretty red ones?"
"I'm allergic to colour."
The woman smiled. Bandit gave her some money she'd stolen from the castle.
"Let me lace them for you." The gypsy unlaced Bandit's corset and swiftly threaded the skulls ones. She yanked them tight.
"What the fu-" Bandit's world faded to black.
***
Sashaying shadows salsa danced around her. She groaned, feeling like she had the world's worst hangover. Blackness tried to ensnare her and keep her captive in its chamber of horrors. She sat up, convinced the gods were playing marbles with the planets.
"Back from the dead, like a zombie," Iolo remarked. Bandit flipped him off. "We had to cut your laces."
"You can reimburse me. I just bought them."
"We saved your life, that cancels it out." Jez grinned.
"Surprised you didn't drain my blood."
"You brighten the place up."
"Like a bloodstain in a monochrome photograph." She stood, her corset falling open. "I catch you looking, I'll stake you." She changed into a zip up PVC cut out top. Iolo was excellent at clothes shopping.
"What happened?" Carl asked. Bandit thought he resembled a crazed professor. He was definitely up to something in his room upstairs. She kept hearing bleeping and seeing smoke escape under the locked door. Twice she'd heard an explosion. After the first time, he emerged with green hair.
"I bought the laces from a gypsy. She tightened them, obviously too tight."
"Didn't your mother tell you never to open the door to strangers?"
"My mother died when I was a baby. The queen told me to open doors to strangers, play with knives, experiment with fire and piss off badgers."
"Maybe it was the queen in disguise?"
"In a fat suit?"
"You said she could do magic. The huntsman failed to kill you, maybe she came to finish the job."
Bandit rubbed her stomach. She'd probably have criss-crossed bruises. That was a look she could do without. "I'm gonna gut that bitch!"
"She'll have the castle guarded," Rhydian said. "Just don't give her the opportunity to kill you."
"Next person who comes to the door, I'll string them up like a macabre Christmas decoration."
"Nobody likes cold callers, but that's a bit harsh," Tudor said.
Rhydian jabbed him. "We're lying low, Bandit. You start turning visitors into human windchimes, people will notice. This isn't a macabre version of the gingerbread house."
"Can you turn me?"
"No," Iolo replied.
"I'll be immortal."
"We can't turn humans without permission from the Nocturnal Prince," Carl explained.
"Bullshit. Make me a vampire."
"Not before we've argued your case at a court hearing."
"This is a joke. Teenage fiction has turned you into pussies."
Bandit banged the door behind her. Dying from over-tight laces would've been so humiliating. She freed her dagger and stomped towards the castle. Hooves - approaching from the castle. She grabbed a low branch and swung into the tree, hiding amongst the branches as the huntsman and groom cantered below. She had a perfect view of the castle. She'd learn their weaknesses. Then she would kill the queen.
***
After a week of surveillance, Bandit knew the guards' routines by heart. Tonight was the night she'd turn that evil queen to dust. She wondered if she should set her on fire. Fire was supposed to kill monsters. Maybe she'd behead her and bury her at a crossroads. She'd made sheaths, special pockets and straps on her clothing to conceal her weapons. The queen forcing her to do girly things like sewing, was coming back to bite her on the saggy arse.
She crept through the woods, the eyes of a hundred night creatures stalking her. Her heart thumped against its bony prison bars, the sound echoing along the gloomy passages of her ears. She took a deep breath, forcing her heart to slow. The castle rose out of the woods like a zombie rising from a grave. The arrow slits were narrowed eyes, the portcullis vicious teeth. She crept past the first guard and ran to the castle wall. She edged around it and spied the second guard patrolling. The minute he walked past her, she tossed her grappling hook through the first storey window, jumped onto the wall and began climbing.
She paused to fr
ee her grappling hook then lassoed it to the next window. Footsteps. She stopped and hung on to the wall. A guard appeared at the window. Her blood pounded through her body. The ground spread its arms, inviting her to drop into its lethal embrace. She closed her eyes. The footsteps moved away.
She scrambled up to her bedroom window and wriggled through. She fetched two swords from her wall, strapping them to her back in their sheaths. She eased open the door and checked the murky corridor. One guard at the far end. She waited until his back was turned then ran to the queen's bedroom, her footsteps echoing down the passageway. The door was locked.
"So paranoid," she whispered. "You should see someone about that."
She had the door open in seconds. The queen sat at her dressing table, removing her war paint. It was thick enough to repair the cracks in the castle's cement. Bandit freed a sword and charged. The queen darted out the way, the sword slicing through the mannequin's head holding the queen's wig.
"Shit." Bandit turned as the queen threw something at her. She struck it with her sword, sending it sailing through the window.
"You're supposed to be dead!" The queen hissed.
"You're supposed to live under bridges with other trolls." She inwardly cursed. She needed better lines than that.
She sliced at the queen, who spun away and punched Bandit in the side. Bandit head butted her then swept her legs away. The queen bit her on the ankle.
"Bitch!" Bandit stamped on her with her other foot. The queen yanked her leg and Bandit hit the floor. You didn't get to be queen without learning some nifty moves.
Bandit straddled her, punching her and slamming her head against the floor. She unsheathed her dagger and plunged it towards the queen's heart. The queen muttered something and the dagger flew out of Bandit's hand, into the wall. The queen knocked Bandit off then dragged her up by the hair.
"What have I told you about knocking?"
"I'm sorry, I was too busy plotting your death to remember my manners."
The queen snatched up a comb and stabbed it into Bandit's scalp. She collapsed, the world adopting a purple haze. It would've been pretty had it not been flying past her at a sickening rate as she was thrown out the window. Her last thought was, damn. Forgot my dagger.
***
She opened her eyes. She was lying in a coffin, surrounded by vampires.
"Great, I've woken in the middle of a horror movie."
"That makes me the sexy lead." Tudor grinned.
"If we have sex, I'll die."
"From sheer pleasure."
"From shame."
"The comb in your head was poisonous," Carl said. "I managed to work out the poison and made an antidote."
"Thanks Doc," she groaned. "I feel sick. It's probably got the queen's DNA. I bet she spat on it."
"We found you face down in a bush," Zack said. "Thank god you weren't wearing a skirt. Your dignity would never recover."
"I'm gonna kill that bitch."
"Thought that was your plan," Iolo said. "Or did I miss something?"
"She's a witch, alright? She won't get the better of me next time." She sat up, wincing. "Maybe tomorrow."
"Next time Bandit, use the door." Ryan smiled. She kicked him. He swore as she smiled.
"If you'd turned me, this wouldn't have happened. If I die, you only have yourselves to blame."
"We've recommended you to the Nocturnal Prince," Rhydian answered. "Happy?"
"How good are you at murdering queens?"
"Never tried," Jez shrugged.
"Thought vampires were evil, unstoppable killing machines. Obviously you're of the cuddly, take home to mother variety." Seven pairs of fangs were bared. "That's more like it. We need a plan of action and cold blood. Once Scream Queen's dead, I'll convince my father to hand the castle over to me. The queen is dead, long live the Queen of the Damned."
***
"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?"
"Although sweet queen, you are mine, Snow White is looking pretty fine."
"That Chamber of Horrors reject? She should be Freak Puree by now. Are you telling me that mangled mess of misery is prettier than me?"
"Although Snow White took a dive, alas my queen, she's still alive."
"Jesus Christ, she's harder to get rid of than blood stains. Nothing short of an explosion will wipe her off this earth. Any suggestions on how to rid myself of that termite?"
"You could, my queen, learn to shoot or kill her with some poisoned fruit."
The queen grinned evilly then cut it short when she saw the wrinkles it created. "I always said she was poisonous. Not even The Incredible Sulk can live forever."
***
Bandit cleaned the rifle Tudor had given her. The dagger had failed miserably. This time she would blow the queen's head off and splatter her brains over her pervy mirror. She'd heard that mirror wolf whistling her when she walked past. Maybe she'd put a bullet in that too. She sheathed a dagger in each boot, her swords on her back and collected the rest of her weapons. She was glad the castle didn't have metal detectors.
"Let's go kick some royal arse."
Tudor opened the door and bowed. The vampires spread out through the woods. They had no problems seeing in the dark so she stayed close to Jez, who was acting as her eyes. The trees grabbed at her as she passed. Creatures of the night watched the Gothic princess and her vampire entourage from the safety of the shadows.
"Someone's coming," Ryan hissed.
The vampires melted into the night. Bandit ducked behind a tree, holding her rifle close. Twigs snapped like breaking bones. She stuck her foot out, tripping the assailant then delivered a spinning back kick, sending him flying into another tree. The vampires attacked, seven black blurs of piercing fangs and blood spatter. Men's dying screams shattered the silence. Bodies slumped among the dead leaves, all colour drained from them.
Tudor dumped one by her feet. His throat was ripped out.
"Now would you take me to meet your stepmother?"
"She'd probably adore you." She raised her rifle, pointing it at the only huntsman still alive. "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't blast your brains to kingdom come or feed you to my friends."
"The queen plans to kill you," he gasped.
"Yeah, I saw her status update. She tagged me in it. Is there a firing squad waiting for me?"
"Poisoned fruit."
Bandit's laugh echoed like a scream in a crypt. "She thinks I'd eat anything she's touched? The old queen's going senile." She twirled her finger by her head then prodded the huntsman with the barrel. "If you tell her you've seen me, I'll make you my first prisoner when I seize the castle."
"I won't, I promise. She's crazed with bloodlust."
"She's a vampire? I'll just use my stake." She tapped his cheek. "Run back to the castle and tell someone to write her eulogy. Make it a nice poem. I specifically want the lines 'ding dong the witch is dead, Bandit just chopped off her head.'" She eyed the fallen bodies. "Let me guess – they're my surprise party guests."
"The apple's the back-up plan."
"I have an idea," Carl said. "Eat the apple."
Bandit frowned. "That sounds more like a death wish than an idea."
"If the queen believes you're dead, she'll drop her guard then we can take her."
"You'd better not be in on her nefarious scheme just to prevent me from becoming a vampire."
"We want you to be one of us. This is the best form of attack."
"You'll find an antidote, right?"
"Of course."
"If I die, I'll haunt your arses. I won't be one of those friendly visitations. I'll give ghosts a bad name." She eyed the vampires. "Ryan, you're with me. Let's go make a peace offering."
They set off towards the castle. Bandit knocked on the door. A servant opened it.
"I'm here to see the queen." The servant moved to close the door. Bandit stopped it with her boot. "We'll wait inside."
She pushed open the door and led th
e way into the entrance hall. To the left, stone steps spiralled up into darkness.
"This is an awesome place." Ryan looked around.
"It'll be even better with her buried in the courtyard beneath a statue of me killing her."
The queen arrived, her scowl blazing a trail. She smiled at Bandit. A smile a piranha would give right before devouring you.
"Snow Sh- White. What an unpleasant surprise."
Bandit gritted her teeth. "I've come for a truce."
The queen laughed. "You don't know what it means."
"It means I don't stave your head in over Christmas dinner." She smiled. "You've failed to kill me three times. Give up and we'll pretend it never happened. Or I'll have Ryan turn you into a bloody Mary."
Ryan bared his fangs. The queen stepped back. "A truce." She smiled. "As an apology, why don't you have one of these delicious apples?"
"A coronation would be better," she muttered, faking a smile as she took the apple.
Ryan nudged her. She took a bite and forced herself not to spit it in the queen's face. A wave of nausea battered her. She crumpled to the floor, the queen's cackling haunting her into the darkness.
***
Ryan scooped Bandit up and ran from the castle. Black wings spouted from his back and he flew into the woods. He landed near the other vampires.
"We need to have a funeral," Iolo said. "So the queen believes it."
"Make it a glass coffin, so the queen can see she's really in it," Rhydian suggested.
"Better hope she doesn't decompose," Jez joked. "This isn't an episode of CSI."
Carl administered the antidote to Bandit then gave her a sedative. "That should last 'til we bury her."
"Unless she suffocates first," Tudor said. "Bagsies her swords."
They laid her out on one of their coffins until they'd made her glass one. It was lined with black satin and black and blood red roses. They dressed her in a long dress with lace sleeves resembling wings and lowered her into the coffin. Tudor placed a bouquet of the roses in her hands then they closed the lid.
