by M. S. Force
“Maybe he feels out of his league with you. Did you ever consider that?”
“Seriously? Look at me and then look at him. He’s not the one out of his league.”
“You, my dear friend, are gorgeous and sweet and joyful. You have nothing to worry about, and judging by the way he looks at you, he sees what I do.”
“You’re very sweet to say so, but it’s been such a long time since I had any interest in a man. Hell, I haven’t had sex since I was pregnant with Maddie.”
“Whoa…”
“I know! There’re probably cobwebs in there.”
Natalie loses it laughing.
“What’s so funny, Mommy?” Logan asks.
“Nothing,” I reply. “Nothing at all.” I give Natalie the stink eye as she continues to laugh.
“Sorry.” She wipes tears from her eyes. “It was the cobwebs that did it.”
“Not all of us can be lucky enough to have a hot, sexy, kinky movie star in our beds to keep the cobwebs away.”
She snorts. “No cobwebs growing around here. That’s for sure.”
“I can only imagine.”
She looks over at me. “Could I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
“You never talk about the kids’ father, and I haven’t wanted to ask. But I’ll admit I’m curious.”
I fix my gaze on my babies, the only good things to come from a relationship that caused me more heartache than joy. “He left us right before Maddie was born.” There’s so much more to the story, but it’s not something I talk about, even with my closest friends. Years after it happened, it’s still so painful to think about.
“Oh God. I’m sorry, Aileen.”
“He’s never met his daughter.”
“That must’ve been so awful for you.”
“It wasn’t the best time in my life. That’s for sure. For a long time after he left, I was terrified about what would become of me and the kids. He never sent me a dime after he left. It was tough, especially living in the city, which is so expensive. But I found a decent job working as an admin for a financial services company, and I had a lovely older woman in my building who took the kids for me when I was working. She was a godsend. We were doing okay until I got sick.” I look over at her. “You and Flynn can’t possibly know what a difference you made for us after he made that huge donation to the fund the school set up.”
“That was all him. I can’t take any credit.”
“You introduced him to us. None of it would’ve happened without you.”
“We’re both glad you got the help you needed.”
“In some ways, he saved my life by introducing me to Doctor Birnbaum. Everything was better after that.”
“Do you have someone out here that you’ll see?”
“He referred me to a colleague at UCLA who’s part of the same research study. I have an appointment for a check-up with him next week while the kids are at camp.”
“I’m sure everything will be fine.”
“I hope so, but it’ll be a few years before I’m completely out of the woods, and even then, it can always come back.”
“That’s not going to happen,” Natalie says emphatically.
“And you know this how, wise one?”
“Just a feeling I have. I predict you’re going to fall madly in love with an intense, sexy man who’ll fall in love with you and your kids, and you’ll all live happily ever after.”
“You may be reading too many romance novels.”
“Ha-ha, but mark my words. You’re going to end up with him.”
“Could I ask you… In the event that my life doesn’t work out like a romance novel…”
“What?”
“Would you take the kids? I know it’s a huge thing to ask—”
She holds up a hand to stop me. “Of course we would. Don’t spend one more second worrying about that. It’s never going to happen.”
“But if it does…”
“We’d take them, and we’d love them like our own. I promise.”
My eyes fill with tears. “Thank you.”
“But I don’t want to talk about things that’re never going to happen. I want to talk about you and that hot, sexy man who’s gone over you and things that are going to happen.”
My stomach knots with excitement and a twinge of anxiety. I’ll never deny that I want him fiercely. But can I be what he wants? That I don’t know, and I haven’t the first clue what to do with this new information Natalie has given me.
I have meetings on top of meetings, people needing answers to a litany of questions only I can answer. We have the premiere of Quantum’s new film Insidious Saturday night, and there’re a million details to be seen to, media requests pouring in, and all I can think about is Aileen and how amazing it was to hold and kiss her last night.
Recalling how responsive she was makes me rock hard in the middle of my workday, which is just what I need with people in and out of my office, the phone ringing off the hook and my assistant, Lori, waiting for me to sign a stack of checks.
“What’s up with you today, Bossman?” she asks, hand on her hip, annoyance radiating from her. With chin-length dark hair and big green eyes, she’s a gorgeous, energetic twentysomething I hired right out of USC a couple of years ago. She’s since become essential to me, which is why I put up with her impertinence.
“Nothing.”
“Your head isn’t in the game. Something’s up.”
“Did I miss the part on your résumé that said you went to shrink school?”
“Ha-ha, very funny. I know you, and I know when you’re not paying attention, and you’re definitely not paying attention today. Case in point, you just signed your lunch order.” She cracks up laughing as she holds up the deli menu. “Apparently, you want the Kristian Bowen for lunch, not to be confused with the always popular Clark Gable.” She has a good laugh at my expense that makes me smile even though I hate to encourage her.
“I’ll have the Paul Reuben with an extra pickle, no pun intended.”
She raises a brow in question because I rarely eat sandwiches.
“I’m having a craving for pastrami,” I tell her.
“You got it.” She heads for the door but turns back. “I heard you say everything is fine, but I know you. Something’s up. If you need anything, I hope you’ll ask.”
“There is one thing…”
“What’s that?”
“I want to invite someone to the premiere on Saturday, but she has kids. Everyone else we know will be there, too, so I need a babysitter. Do you know anyone who might be willing to stay with two very good kids who are five and nine? I’ll pay a thousand dollars.”
“My roommate, Cecelia, will do it.”
“She will? Really?” I’ve met her a few times, and she seems nice.
“Yep. She’s going through a bad breakup, so she’s sitting around at home at night. It’ll be good for her to have something to do.”
“Shouldn’t you check with her first?”
“I’ll text her and let you know for sure, but I’m almost positive it’ll be fine.”
“Do you think she might be willing to spend the night?” I’m getting way ahead of myself, and I know it, but I can’t seem to stop the train from leaving the station and hurtling down the tracks.
“I’m sure she’d be fine with it. I’ll ask her and let you know.”
“Tell her fifteen hundred to spend the night.”
“Wow. You must really like this woman.”
Recognizing a trap when I see one, I go back to my email, avoiding the question. She gets the hint and leaves me to work in peace, but now I’m on edge waiting to hear if Cecelia, who’s a nurse in her mid-twenties, will babysit for Aileen on Saturday so I can take her to the premiere. Then another thought occurs to me, and I buzz Addie, asking her to stop by to see me when she gets a chance.
She pops her head in fifteen minutes later. “You rang?”
“Come in. Shut the door.”
“What’s up?”
“Your friend Tenley, the stylist…”
“What about her?”
“Would she be able to help me out with something for Saturday night?”
“Kinda short notice.”
“I know, but I’m willing to pay whatever she wants.”
“Let me ask her.” Standing before me, she fires off a text.
Part of me can’t believe I’m doing all this before I’ve even asked Aileen to come with me, further proof I’ve gone around the bend over her. However, I want my ducks in a row in case she agrees to be my date.
My date. When was the last time I had anything as pedestrian as an ordinary date? Except, if she says yes, nothing about this date will be ordinary or pedestrian, because I’ll be with her.
“She says for you, she’ll make it happen. She wants to know who, what, when and where?”
“Could I let her know all that tomorrow?”
Addie sends the text and nods. “She says she’ll hook you up.”
“Thanks, Addie.”
“No problem. Do I get to ask who, or do I already know?”
“You already know.” I release a button on my shirt, because it’s suddenly warm in here. It’s not like me to share my personal business with others. The first lesson to surviving on the streets was keep your mouth shut. It’s a lesson that’s stayed with me.
Addie claps her hands and lets out a squeal. “Oh, I knew it! I told Hayden you two are going to end up together.”
“Don’t get ahead of yourself—and don’t jinx me. It’s very new.”
She eyes me curiously, making me squirm ever so slightly. “Why don’t you seem happier to have found someone special?”
“What? I’m happy.”
“No, you’re not.”
“And you know better than I do how I feel?”
“I’ve known you a long time, Kris. You’ve been ‘off’ all week. I thought you were excited for her and the kids to get here, and then you didn’t show up to welcome them. Jasper said you were sick, but were you really, or was it something else?”
For someone who never had a family of my own, it’s still unsettling to me that there are people in this world who know me as well—or better—than I know myself. I fix my gaze on a pen I balance between two fingers, which is better than looking at her.
“Kris… Talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong.”
“Nothing is wrong.”
“Don’t lie to me—and don’t lie to yourself. You’re better than that.”
“No, I’m not.” The words come out harsher than I intend, and she’s taken aback by what I said and how I said it.
Hands on hips, she glares at me. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
Sighing, I sit back in my chair, resigned to having this conversation whether I want to or not—and I definitely do not want to talk about it with everyone I know. However, my friends aren’t going to let me get away with my usual avoidance tactics in this case. “She deserves better than me. I… I don’t know how to be soft or gentle or sweet, and someone like her, that’s what she needs. She’s been through so much…”
Addison comes around my desk and leans back against it. She’s so close now, there’s no avoiding her. “You were all those things when Maddie got hurt. You reacted instinctively and gave them everything they needed—and then some, if I know you, which I do. Maybe you’ve never had to give those things to a woman before, but don’t tell me they aren’t in you, because I know better.”
Her faith in me is overwhelming. “I’m afraid…”
“Of what?”
“I’m afraid to touch her. What if I scare her or hurt her? She’s already had too much pain in her life. It would kill me to cause her more.”
“Talk to her. Tell her what you want. She may surprise you. Just ask Hayden what happens when a man isn’t honest with the woman he loves.” She winks. “He’ll tell you how much easier it is to communicate than it is to hide from it.”
“You’re tougher than she is.”
“I wouldn’t say that at all. She’s raised two great kids and battled cancer—on her own. She might be the toughest woman I’ve ever known.”
I hadn’t thought of it that way until she put it so bluntly.
“One thing I can tell you from personal experience is that there’s nothing a strong woman hates more than to be underestimated.”
That’s another good point. “What if…” It takes all the courage I can muster to express my deepest fear. “What if she says she’s into it and it turns out to be more than she can handle?”
“I assume you’d work out things like limits and safe words in advance?”
“Of course, but that’s not what I’m afraid of.”
“Then what is it?”
“What if I scare her?”
“If you tell her everything ahead of time, including how you are in a scene, she’ll know what to expect and it won’t scare her.”
“And what if it’s too much for her, and she doesn’t want me like that?”
“Then at least you’ll know how she feels and can go from there. You can’t operate in the dark on this. That nearly ruined me and Hayden before we ever had a chance to be together, and that would’ve been tragic.”
There can be no denying how happy Hayden has been since he allowed himself to fall in love with Addie. He’s gone from being a cranky pain in my ass to a smiling, dopey fool—and it’s all because of the wise woman who’s gotten me to say more about what goes on inside me than I’ve said to anyone. Ever.
And she’s right. I should be talking to Aileen about this, and I will. Tonight. As soon as her kids go to bed, I’ll lay it on the line and let the chips fall where they may.
Suddenly, I feel like I’m going to be sick.
Chapter 9
The kids and I have a long, tedious day as I try to keep Maddie quiet and comfortable. I feel sorry for Logan, who wants to go to the beach or the park or something, but he’s stuck at home with us. Only the anticipation of Kristian’s arrival keeps me sane as I deal with unusually whiny kids.
Maddie’s wound hurts, so I give her some Tylenol and put her down for a nap, hoping the medicine will kick in while she rests.
Then I give Logan some badly needed attention, which involves watching Minions with him for the nine hundredth time, or at least that’s how it seems to me. He loves those movies and is sucked in as always as he reclines against me on the sofa, allowing me to run my fingers through his hair while he watches.
Maddie’s accident rattled him as much as it did me, which is why he’s a little clingier than usual today. I don’t mind it, though. As he gets older, he’s less snuggly with me, and I miss my little boy who always wanted me to hold him, even when he was almost too heavy for me to lift.
They’re growing up too quickly for my liking, so I take full advantage of the chance to hold him close without him squiggling out of my embrace the way he normally does these days when I try to hold him.
The movie doesn’t grab my attention, so my mind wanders to the information Natalie gave me earlier. I’m still trying to wrap my head around what it means, and I’m dying to get online so I can do some research. But I can’t do that with my kids underfoot. I know almost nothing about the lifestyle or how it works, but I’m incredibly curious. More than anything, I want to know about how it pertains to him. What does he like? And how will I find the courage to broach this topic with him? The thought of saying something like, hey, I hear you like it kinky makes me feel like I’ve plugged myself into an electrical outlet. Every cell in my body has been tingling for hours now.
I feel guilty for allowing my thoughts to go in this direction when I’m snuggled up to my son, but ever since Natalie filled in some major blanks for me earlier, it’s almost all I can think about.
I swear the clock is moving in reverse.
I must doze off, because I come to when Logan stretches as the movie ends at five thirty. One hour to go.
; “What’s for dinner?” he asks.
“Chicken and mac ’n cheese.”
“I’m starving.”
That’s my cue to get up and start dinner. As I bread the chicken the way the kids like it, I recall Kristian telling me he eats “clean,” so I keep one piece free of breading for him and make a big salad to go with the mac ’n cheese I make from scratch for the kids. Natalie thought of everything when she supplied us with groceries, and I’m again thankful for her generosity.
With the chicken and mac ’n cheese in the oven and the salad in the fridge, I check on Maddie and tell Logan I’m going to take a shower. I want to look as nice as I can for Kristian, so I take my time getting ready. I find a cute dress from my single days in one of the boxes I shipped from New York. It didn’t fit me after I had kids, but now I’ve lost so much weight, I can wear it again. It’s black with cherries on it. The neckline does good things for my breasts, the one place I still have a little extra flesh after my illness.
My cancer was caught early by my gynecologist, during a routine visit. I had a lumpectomy and then a second surgery to remove the one lymph node that came back questionable. Technically, I was diagnosed at stage three because of the lymph node involvement, but my doctors told me it hadn’t spread any farther, and they felt confident going with the lumpectomy over the more radical mastectomy. The chemo they’d recommended as a “precaution” had nearly killed me, but that’s over now. At least I hope so. That was the worst part, by far. It made me so sick I couldn’t eat for weeks. I honestly believe that Flynn getting me in to see Doctor Birnbaum saved my life. He believed I’d been given a nearly lethal dose of chemo that might’ve killed me if I’d continued that course.
I can’t bear to think about all that when I have so many better things to focus on with a sexy man coming for dinner. I do what I can with my short curly hair, put on mascara, a hint of blush, some concealer to hide the signs of the nearly sleepless night, and top it off with lip gloss I bought before I got sick and have never worn.
I leave my bedroom, look in on Maddie again and go to the living room where Logan is playing with his superhero action figures. Iron Man is his favorite, and that’s the one he’s holding when he looks up at me and does a double take.
