by Lindsey Kelk
‘As their parents and godparents, you have the prime responsibility for guiding and helping him in his early years.’ The vicar gave me a stern look. ‘This is a demanding task for which you will need the help and grace of God. Therefore, let us pray.’
Lowering my head, I tapped the tops of my fingers together. Yes, let us pray. Let us pray that Gus didn’t turn out to be quite as big a wanker as his dad, had better taste in romantic partners than his mother, and far more backbone than his uncle. In fact, his best bet was to take as much after his Aunt Liv as possible.
‘Mingus Christopher Floyd, today God has touched you with his love and given you a place among his people,’ the vicar went on. ‘God promises to be with you in joy and in sorrow, to be your guide in life and to bring you safely to heaven.’
I shouldn’t take all that too seriously, I thought, as Gus kicked his mother in the face. My parents had me christened and I was sorely lacking a guide in life at present. I glanced sideways, stealing a quick peek at her. She really did look amazing, all glowing and shiny and fresh. She always looked amazing, whether it was first thing in a morning or last thing at night. She didn’t even bite her nails. Although she had explained once that if I had my hands where she had her hands all day, I might not bite my nails either. I looked at her, in the light shining in through the window and landing on her like a bloody angel, and I was more certain than I had ever been, and from one heartbeat to the next, I knew I didn’t want to spend another single second apart.
After what felt like a lifetime, the organist began to play and a chorus of muted sighs echoed around the church as the congregation stood up to leave.
Chris was busy glad-handing everyone who walked by, reminding them that they were expected at his house for the christening bash of the century. He’d spent more on this party than the cost of an average university education – a fact I had chosen not to point out to him, given my situation.
Now was my moment. I had to make her understand, we were meant to be together. All I wanted to do was grab Liv’s hand and start running. Ideally, we’d run fast enough to turn back time like Superman, but since that seemed unlikely I’d settle for getting as far away from the christening as our legs would carry us.
‘Liv,’ I grabbed hold of her wrist as people began to leave, fussing over Cassie and Gus stationed by the doorway as they went. ‘I need to talk to you.’
‘Not here you don’t,’ she said, her eyes skirting around the room. I followed her gaze and saw David and Abigail leaving and fist-bumping the baby on the way out. ‘Let me go.’
‘But I need to talk,’ I insisted. ‘Will you listen to me please?’
‘No, I won’t,’ she said, shaking her hand free, her eyes burning fiercely. She took two steps back down the little steps onto the aisle. It was easy to imagine her in a white dress, walking towards me, but instead she was practically running away. ‘Everything that’s gone to shit over the last two weeks has gone to shit on your schedule. You can’t have everything you want when you want it, Adam. I’m done with that.’
Even though I wanted to chase her, I couldn’t. Instead, I watched as she ran down the aisle and out into the sunshine, leaving me all alone as what very much felt like my last chance slipped away.
‘I have never seen anything like this,’ David gasped as we followed the streams of people into Cassie and Chris’s back garden. Or at least, what used to be their back garden. ‘Are we in the right place or did we wander into Disneyland by mistake?’
‘They used an event planner,’ I said, trying to take it all in but getting somewhat stuck on the carousel and Ferris wheel. I was still shaking from our font-side confrontation, but as far as I could tell, Adam had given the after-party a miss. I didn’t know whether to be relieved or disappointed. ‘I had no idea it was going to be this big.’
‘Cass told me they were putting on “a bit of a do”,’ Abi replied, accepting a glass of champagne from a passing clown. ‘I’d hate to see what she considers a proper party.’
The entire garden and at least half the field beyond had been turned into a Mingus Floyd-themed carnival. Clowns, lion tamers and a top hat-wearing ringmaster all patrolled the grounds, while girls in silver leotards handed out drinks and candyfloss.
‘I’m going to invent an app,’ David announced, necking his first glass of bubbles and holding out his hand for another. ‘I need a horribly exploitative way to make a million quid so I can set up my own private Alton Towers in the back garden. Ideas? Thoughts? Suggestions?’
‘What are people too lazy to do themselves?’ Abi asked. ‘That’s the key.’
‘I’m too lazy to do anything,’ he replied as a man ran by inside a giant plastic bubble. ‘This isn’t going to work, is it?’
‘Just keep drinking,’ I ordered, searching the crowds for Adam. ‘It’ll come to you eventually.’
Between the dodgems and the hook-a-duck stall, instead of my almost certainly ex-boyfriend I spotted Cassie, all alone and staring blankly into the crowd.
‘I’ll be back in a minute,’ I said, touching Abi on the arm while David juggled his champagne glass and a handful of mini hot dogs.
‘I don’t know, Cass,’ I said, approaching with a careful smile. ‘You could have made a bit of effort, it is your son’s christening.’
‘There’s a slight chance Chris got carried away,’ she replied, opening her arms for a hug. ‘One minute we’re putting on a spread upstairs at the Millstone, the next he’s hired his own helter-skelter. Well, he says he’s hired it, but I’m almost certain he’s actually bought it.’
She took a breath, wrung her hands together, and turned to me with an apology on her face.
‘I’m sorry I told Chris you were going on a date. I shouldn’t have.’
‘Please don’t apologize,’ I said, shirking the memory of shouting at her outside her own child’s christening. ‘I shouldn’t have said anything. Besides, I actually did go on the date even though I told you I’d cancelled. I’ve got to stop blaming everything on he said, she said and actually start dealing with the truth.’
Cassie looked at me with hopeful eyes. ‘Which is?’
‘I have no idea,’ I replied, turning my attention to Chris and his black top hat. ‘Look at him.’
She nodded over to her husband, the ringmaster, resplendent in red tails, with a great big whip in his hands.
‘Like a pig in shit,’ she said with a sigh.
I watched as he cracked the whip at Mr Davies while Mrs Davies clung to his arm, tittering with delight. ‘I’m amazed he hasn’t got an actual lion. Couldn’t they find one?’
‘Don’t think he didn’t try,’ she warned. ‘The party planner said no live animals. Apparently they’ve had trouble in the past. He wanted an elephant as well.’
‘Do you ever wonder what you’ve got yourself into?’ I asked. Chris was encouraging Mrs Davies to spank him with the whip, much to the dismay of Mr Davies. ‘I don’t remember him being quite this intense when you started going out.’
‘I know he can be a loud-mouthed shit sometimes,’ she said, tilting her head and considering her husband with softer eyes. ‘But I do love him. And he loves me and he’s obsessed with Gus. He thinks he needs to prove himself to everyone all the time and I don’t know why, but he won’t be happy until he’s got everyone’s approval. Mostly, I just let him get on with it. He’s not like this when it’s just the two of us, he’s – you won’t believe it, but he’s so quiet.’
‘No, I get it,’ I said, still looking around for Floyd the Younger, wanting to see him and hoping I didn’t at the same time. ‘Adam does the same thing, just in a different way. He gives it a lot of “I don’t care what people think” but really, he’s terrified of letting people down. I always assumed it was because he’d packed in law school but maybe it runs in the family.’
‘I blame their parents,’ Cassie replied, watching her husband turn a very unflattering cartwheel in front of the neighbour’s children. The children immediat
ely began to cry. ‘Their dad is so easy-going and their mum is all “Be whatever you want to be!” No one ever told the pair of them no or that they couldn’t do something. Their parents are literally undisappointable and the boys can’t deal with it.’
‘They messed up their kids by being too good at parenting?’ I laughed. ‘You really can’t win, can you?’
She pulled up the strap of her pink sundress and scratched her shoulder. ‘That’s the conclusion I’ve come to. I apologize to Gus every night when I put him to bed.’
Nodding, I took in the rest of the scene. Everything was shiny and bright, like it had been coloured in with felt-tip pens. The red and white bumper cars, the golden horses on the carousel. There were so many flashing lights, so much music and everything smelled like popcorn, it was like being in a five-year-old’s fever dream, only with adult beverages.
‘Where is Ming?’ I asked, realizing I hadn’t seen my godson since we arrived back at the house. For all the banners and balloons and inflatable signs declaring it his day, there was no actual sign of the baby. ‘Dodgems?’
‘In bed.’ Cass rubbed her thumbs into her temples. ‘Where I wish I was. My mum and dad are upstairs with him – this isn’t entirely their cup of tea.’
‘Ooh,’ I pouted, my stomach grumbling loudly. I hadn’t been able to eat all morning for nerves. ‘I’d kill for a cup of tea right now.’
‘We could always nip in and put the kettle on?’ she suggested, looking more excited at the prospect of a custard cream than a turn on the Ferris wheel. ‘It’s not like anyone would miss us for ten minutes, would they?’
I turned to look for Abi and David and saw them clapping in time as a beautiful woman in a sequined bodysuit lit a three-foot rod on fire and swallowed it whole.
‘Let’s do it,’ I agreed. ‘We’ll be back before anyone’s even noticed we’re gone.’
‘Cassie! You must meet Chris and Andrew!’ the ringmaster bellowed across the garden, his arms thrown around the shoulders of two very confused-looking men in heavy suits.
‘Oh god, I think they’re his investors,’ she winced, pulling up the errant strap once more. ‘Come with me, please? I hate talking to work people.’
‘Fine,’ I said, following her across the lawn. ‘But you will officially owe me more than a cup of tea.’
‘All right, Liv?’ Chris took off his top hat and gave a shallow bow as we approached. ‘Good to see you’ve untwisted your knickers.’
‘Very funny,’ I said through a polite smile. ‘Nice hat. You had that already, didn’t you?’
‘Ah,’ he placed it back on his head and began to loop up his whip. ‘Knickers still twisted?’
‘Please shut up.’ I kept the smile on my face while Cass made awkward small talk with his investors, one eye on our exchange at all times. ‘I’d like to get through this afternoon without a scene.’
‘Who’s causing a scene?’ he bellowed, clapping a heavy hand on my back and almost knocking me to the ground. ‘Just because you and Nutsack aren’t together any more doesn’t mean you aren’t family.’
Recovering my footing, I stared as a marching band appeared from the side of the house and began circling the garden, serenading us with a rousing rendition of ‘Oops, I Did it Again’. I blinked up at Chris, his cheery face so at odds with everything I was feeling.
‘Did you tell him?’ I asked. ‘Did you tell Adam I was supposed to go on a date?’
‘Why?’ He cracked his whip loudly at the man who ran the chip shop. ‘Was I not supposed to?’
The thing that annoyed me the most was the fact I was still shocked. Of course he had told him. I bet he couldn’t wait to tell him. He’d probably driven over to deliver the news in person, just to see the look on his face. I didn’t care what Cass said or how many times Adam defended him, Chris Floyd was a complete and utter tosser.
‘Why would you tell him?’ I asked, mad at Chris, mad at Cass and, more than anything else, mad at myself. ‘Why can’t you just stay out of things?’
‘If you didn’t want me to tell my brother that his supposed girlfriend was going out with another man,’ he replied simply, ‘then you shouldn’t be putting it about on Tinder, should you?’
‘And you should just mind your own bloody business,’ I said, losing my temper with him once and for all. ‘You haven’t got a clue what’s going on, so stop interfering.’
‘Liv …’ Cassie placed a tentative hand on my shoulder. ‘Shall we go and get that cup of tea?’
‘I’m not much in the mood for tea now,’ I replied, the skirt of my pale blue dress spinning up around me as I twisted towards her. ‘You know he told Adam?’
‘You didn’t?’ She turned on her husband and his whip went limp. ‘Christopher Floyd, you promised!’
‘He would have found out anyway,’ Chris said, shrugging off any kind of responsibility like the man-child he was. ‘Don’t shoot the messenger.’
The worst part of it all was that he was right. And not only had I been considering a date, I’d actually gone on one, that was an indisputable fact. But the temptation to not only shoot but bludgeon the messenger to death with my shoe was so overwhelming I could hardly breathe.
‘Liv, are you OK?’ Cass whispered, wrapping her arms around me and pulling me away. ‘You’ve gone such a funny colour.’
‘None of this would have happened if you hadn’t told me he was going to propose in Mexico in the first place!’ I pushed her away as the people standing closest began to abandon their own conversations and tune in to our drama instead. ‘Why can’t you all just leave well enough alone?’
‘You told her he was going to propose?’ Chris yelled, dropping his whip in the grass. ‘Cass! I told you that in confidence.’
‘Says you!’ she shouted back as the crowd around us grew. I covered my face with my hands, trying to find myself while they shouted across me. ‘No one should tell me anything, I just had a baby! I hardly know what day it is, let alone who’s supposed to know what and who isn’t supposed to know anything. Now apologize to Liv.’
‘Honestly, Liv, you’re probably better off without him.’ Chris turned his attention back to me and tried to dig himself out of his hole before his wife went nuclear. ‘He’ll never grow up, he thinks he’s Peter bloody Pan. Let’s be honest, he hasn’t even really got a proper job, has he?’
‘He’s doing exactly what he wants with his life,’ I countered, my voice low and hot. ‘How many people really do that? How many people are that brave? What did you want, Chris? Was he supposed to carry on with something that was making him miserable just to make you happy?’
‘No, but he could have mentioned it before Mum and Dad spent half their savings putting him through law school,’ he replied, flicking an invisible speck of dust from his sleeve. ‘Maybe he can make them another coffee table to make up for it.’
It was at times like these I was so glad to be an only child.
‘Your parents want him to be happy,’ I pointed out. ‘So what’s your problem? Or are you just jealous?’
‘Please.’ He gave a braying laugh, genuinely stunned by the idea. ‘Why would I be jealous of Adam?’
‘I don’t know,’ I replied, going through the various options. The crowd at the bottom of the road had grown to include a number of village gawkers, along with the christening guests and three teenagers on push bikes, the closest thing we had to a local gang. ‘You’ve got a lot going for you but, well, he’s taller than you, he’s better looking than you, he’s certainly nicer than you. Or is it a penis thing?’
‘Ha,’ he replied, burning up. ‘Very funny.’
‘Well,’ I heard David somewhere behind me, ‘it’s clearly a penis thing.’
‘You know size doesn’t matter – Cass has always been a really understanding person,’ I assured him before glancing back at his wife. ‘Sorry, Cass.’
She spun her hair around her finger and kept her mouth clamped shut.
‘I’m not jealous of my little brother,
’ Chris said stiffly, bending down to pick up his whip. ‘And right now, I think he’s well out of it with you.’
‘Oh, OK.’ I started to cool down, keenly aware of my parents crossing the field towards us. ‘Whatever.’
But as I was wrapping up, Chris was just getting started.
‘Yes, I was annoyed when Mum and Dad gave him Granddad’s house.’ He emphasized each word by cracking his whip into the air. If I weren’t so mad at him, I’d have been quite impressed. ‘And I wasn’t impressed when he bailed out on law school and then sodded off travelling instead of getting a proper job to pay Mum and Dad back. If that were me, I wouldn’t have been able to face myself.’
‘Thank goodness he’s not you,’ I replied, taking a cool step back. ‘Adam works bloody hard and you know it. Sticking with law school would have been the easy way out. He took a massive risk, he moved halfway up the country, lived on next to nothing for six years, and now he’s finally getting somewhere, you want to be a knob about it? Your brother is the best man I’ve ever known. He’s caring, he’s passionate about what he does, and he always puts other people before himself. Even you.’
‘I don’t know why you’re so desperate to stand up for him,’ he went on, two red spots flaming in the centre of his cheeks. ‘He packs you in then changes his mind, then you pack him in and he’s got someone else lined up before his bed’s even cold. He doesn’t need you fighting his battles, Olivia, in fact, he doesn’t need you at all.’
Without moving an inch, I bit my lip, desperately trying to come up with something clever to say but Chris got there first.
‘Shouldn’t you be off cleaning up a dog’s diarrhoea or something?’
