I couldn’t explain why without her I was so bereft. Even when she was less than a foot away…I craved.
It was wrong.
It was unhealthy.
It was as essential as my beating, beating heart.
Thump. Thump.
Thud.
Yet her father…
My brain started to shut down at the thought of him.
The coal black eyes.
The star on the arm that hung out the window.
My sister running away. Running to him.
I was a mess of contradictions. I wanted Layna.
I loathed Layna.
I loved Layna.
I’d die.
I’d die for her.
Because of her.
Without her.
I.
Was.
Lost.
I pulled into the parking lot of the Best Western. We rented a room. I didn’t see anything. My eyes focused only on…
Layna.
“I think I want to get a shower.” She sounded so tired. Her body slumped. Touch her.
Feel her.
Please…
But I didn’t. I kept my distance. Now that we were here. To see her father.
To see the devil.
“Okay,” I replied. I heard the water turn on. The light was gone. The sun had set and the dark had settled in. Like a familiar stranger. Comfortable. Edgy.
My phone vibrated in my pocket. My heart leapt.
It had been so long since I had heard from her. Since I had gotten her call. I still waited for the texts every single night.
I tried not to scream when they didn’t come.
I pulled my phone out and grinned like a fool.
It was her.
Love, pure and genuine, all consuming. Lightness and immensity. In the center of my chest.
I didn’t answer.
Not since that one time.
I couldn’t stand the sound of her voice.
After so long.
It rang. And it rang. It stopped. Then it rang. And it rang. And it rang.
Then it stopped.
Finally my screen lit up with a text.
Never waste your tears, Elian. Keep them for when it counts.
I tried to swallow around the lump in my throat. Too tight. Couldn’t breathe.
The relief was overwhelming. The despair was debilitating.
“Did you get a text?” Layna asked, startling me. I hadn’t heard her come out of the bathroom.
I didn’t look at her. She’d distract me. I stared down at the message on my phone, not wanting to sever the connection. For just a few more minutes.
“Who is it?” she asked. Her soft voice too loud.
Never waste your tears, Elian. Keep them for when it counts.
I wouldn’t. I made her a silent promise.
I shoved the phone back in my pocket and finally looked at Layna. My heart still in my hands. Ready to throw it at her.
“How was the shower?” I asked. Avoiding. Evading.
Layna stared at me a while longer. Seeing too much. Not enough. She was perfect. So perfect.
“I feel better. Maybe you should get one. It might clear the cobwebs,” she suggested.
I laughed. Weak. Ineffectual.
“Are you saying I have cobwebs that need to be cleared?” I teased. So fake. So, so fake.
“Don’t we all?” Layna asked, opening her suitcase to pull out some clothes. I watched her as she dropped the towel and dressed.
My eyes traveled the length of her. Always hungry. Always desperate.
It was exhausting.
The way I loved her.
“It’s a clear night,” I observed, turning my face away. Feeling hot. Bothered. Wanting to be inside her. All. The. Time.
Layna didn’t say anything. I could see her in the reflection of the sliding doors. Distant. But there.
My phone vibrated in my pocket again. I was surprised by her tenacity. She never called after sending the text.
Why was she calling?
Did she know?
Where I was?
When Layna was finally dressed she came to stand beside me. Her hand on my back. Over my star.
Over the star just like the one on her hip.
The star that bound us together.
With our demons.
I shivered at her touch. Not burning. But freezing. From the inside out.
Tomorrow was the day.
But tonight was about other things.
“I think I need some air,” I said, pulling at the collar of my shirt. Feeling strangled.
Too tight.
“Okay.” She breathed. In and out.
We stepped out onto the balcony. The air was crisp and cool. Autumn was coming. Where would we be when the leaves died?
“Look up,” Layna instructed, sounding strangely hard.
I did as she told me to. All I saw were stars. Lots and lots of stars. I frowned, not sure why they would make her sound like that.
As though she were angry.
Disgusted.
In awe.
Contradiction.
“Imagine that all the stars are people. What stories would they tell?” she asked, smiling wide. Smiling high. To reach the moon.
“Imagine the stars are people?” I asked. Confused.
What was she talking about? I had the feeling I was missing something. Something important. Something for her, and her alone.
Then she was frowning. No longer smiling. Looking defeated. Upset.
Then…blank.
“Did you bring your pills, Elian?” she asked. The pills. She had asked me about them several times now.
What pills?
Those pills, Elian…
The voice drifted in from all sides. Into my ears. Willing me to remember.
“I don’t know what you’re—”
“Yes you do, Elian. Think. Think about what you’re taking them for. Tell me. I want to know. I don’t like you keeping secrets from me,” Layna scolded and I almost snorted.
She didn’t like me keeping secrets?
Yet she kept hers close. I couldn’t see them. She’d never share.
Pills. Pills. What were they for?
“The Risperdal?” I asked. Clarifying.
Layna took my hand in hers. Fingers folding. Palm to palm.
Under the stars that she imagined as people telling their stories. Stories I didn’t understand.
“Yes, the Risperdal. The empty bottle in the sink. The pills down the drain. What are they for? Tell me.”
I thought hard. So many parts of my past were hidden by the lies I had told and the fantasy I had created. As I became Elian Beyer, those part, the real parts, became lost. It was hard to remember what was truth and what was illusion.
“I saw a doctor,” I began, struggling for the words. My head pounded, my hands tightening around hers.
“I couldn’t cope after Amelia—”
“After Amelia,” Layna repeated.
“After Amelia,” I nodded. My phone buzzed in my pocket again. I wanted to pull it out and look. But I didn’t.
Not here.
“I couldn’t—”
I stopped. I didn’t want to continue. Why was this so hard?
Lanya ran her hand up the back of my shirt. Over inked skin and enigmas.
“You broke,” Layna finished for me.
I frowned.
Is that what happened?
“I broke,” I agreed, feeling the rightness of it.
I broke.
I broke.
I was broken.
“Where are the pieces, Elian?” Layna asked, looking up at the sky. The clear night sky full of stars.
Stories. Her stories.
Not mine.
I suddenly felt all alone.
Like she had already left me.
Sick.
And starving.
Lost.
“I don’t want you to go tomorrow,” I said, sou
nding like a child. Like a petulant, spoiled brat not getting his way.
Layna ignored me. There was no point in answering.
We were here.
He was here.
The choice had been made.
No matter how wrong it felt.
“Is this why you came to Virginia? To be closer to him?” I asked her, wanting the answer. Perhaps I already knew. She seemed startled though. As if she hadn’t really thought about it until that very moment.
Layna Whitaker planned everything. She wasn’t a woman who was blindsided.
But she seemed blindsided now.
“I—” she cut off. Detached. Finished.
“You did. That’s why you came to Virginia. Because even as much you hate him, you can’t stay away. Am I right?” I felt ill. Vomit rose in the back of my throat. Knowing she’d never be just mine.
This daughter of a killer.
This woman that I loved.
Loved to death.
“You’re broken, Elian,” she whispered, her eyes still trained on the stars that seemed to say things not meant for me.
She listened to the words that no one else could hear.
“But I’m broken too. Maybe together our pieces will make us whole.”
We were too far apart, even as we stood side by side. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her to my chest. I bent low and kissed the side of her neck. Inhaling. Deep.
“I love you,” I told her in tortured tones. It was in. Out. All over.
She didn’t say it back. She never did.
That was okay.
I felt it.
My eyes were wet, the tears dripping down flushed cheeks.
I wasn’t wasting my tears.
They counted.
Right now.
They counted.
I didn’t sleep. At all. I tossed and I turned. I listened to Elian’s soft snores. I watched the shadows on the wall.
I imagined stories.
I wrote them. But I didn’t put them down on paper. I kept them in my head. For now.
Morning came with little fuss or fanfare. The sun shone bright in the sky but the beginning of the day was otherwise calm and uneventful.
I waited for Elian to wake up so I could pretend to rouse.
He was fooled.
He kissed me on my mouth and ran his nose up along my cheek, burrowing into my hair.
There was a crackle of energy. An awareness that hadn’t been there before. After today, things were going to be…different.
I lay in bed most of the night doubting. Wondering if I had made a mistake in coming. In bringing Elian with me.
“Is this why you came to Virginia? To be closer to him?”
Elian’s question last night had thrown me. And I wasn’t a woman easily thrown.
Mostly because I hadn’t expected him to see. He thought he had it figured out. And he did hold the parts. The small, small fragments that I dropped from my fingers.
But that wasn’t all of it.
He didn’t see the big picture.
The real reason…
I let Elian hug me. Kiss me. Touch me.
I burned.
I was lit on fire.
For so many reasons.
None of them had to do with the man in the bed beside me.
I wanted it to be. I was feeling so much…shame.
Elian didn’t deserve this. What I was giving him.
But I was here.
This was a deciding moment.
Life or death.
Once and for all.
“I’m going to run out to get us some breakfast. Anything you in the mood for?” Elian asked, his fingers running up and down naked skin. Breasts. Legs. Lips. Eyes.
“Whatever you want,” I rasped. Wanting to feel what he felt.
Wishing it was there to erase all of this.
“Okay.” Kisses. Nose. Mouth. Forehead.
“How are you doing?” he asked, always concerned. Always worried about me.
I shrugged. Quiet. In my heart.
“I don’t know,” I admitted. Truthfully. Honestly.
We held each other. Cheek to cheek.
Was it enough?
Was it enough?
Then he left, and I was alone with my memories.
Old and new.
A beast that raged.
“I told you to wait in the car, Layna.”
I opened my mouth. A scream caught in my throat.
Was I scared?
No.
Was I disgusted?
Maybe.
Was I enthralled?
Good god, yes.
I dialed my brother’s number and waited for him to answer. When he finally did, there were no formal greetings. There never were. There never would be.
“You’re there,” he stated. Didn’t ask.
“Yes. I’m here,” I replied. Ashamed. So ashamed. But…eager?
“You being there is a big mistake, Lay. I feel it,” Matt exclaimed, loud in my ears.
“I don’t know.”
I was crying.
Tears dripped down my face.
Like blood.
Staining my skin, soaking my shirt.
Tears.
Like blood.
“I brought him with me,” I admitted.
“You’re man?” Matt asked.
“Yes. Elian.” It was the first time I had told Matt his name. I shared Elian with my brother. He needed to hear all of it.
“What does he think about it?”
“Elian knows him,” I whispered.
Matt was silent for a long time. “How does he know him, Lay?”
I took a deep breath. Spilling out all my lies.
“His sister—”
“Oh god, Layna! Did you know? Did you know?”
Sweat broke out on the back of my neck. My hands felt clammy. I watched the door for Elian. Wanting him to come back.
I needed him.
“Of course I did,” I admitted. The truth. That’s all I had. So I gave it away. To the person I hoped wouldn’t judge me for it.
“What are you doing, Layna?”
“I don’t know.”
Silence.
Solitude.
I hated it.
I loved it.
Contradiction.
“You should leave. Go back to wherever it is you call home now. Forget about him. Let it go. Please,” Matt begged. He pleaded. He appealed to my empty, empty heart.
“I’m him, Matty,” I murmured.
Silence.
Solitude.
I loved it.
I hated it.
“You are not!” my brother seethed. Knowing exactly what I was thinking. What I was feeling. He felt it too. Sometimes.
Not all the time like I did.
“Go home,” Matt tried one last time.
“I plan to.”
Elian came back with bagels and fruit from the continental breakfast in the hotel lobby. I wasn’t hungry. My stomach was in knots.
My conversation with my brother still rang in my ears.
“Do you love him?”
I wasn’t sure who Matt was referring to.
“Elian. The man you have there with you. Do you love him?”
Do I love him?
“I love him in the only way that I can, Matty,” I told him, meaning it.
“I don’t know what that means, Lay. Why don’t I know what that means?”
“Some things were always just for me. You know that.”
“He always loved you best. But his love was the worst thing he ever gave you.”
Matt spoke with sincerity and I believed him. I agreed with him.
“Go home, Layna. Back to where you and Elian can have a life.”
“Can we have a life? With everything that I am?”
Matt sighed, and I could feel his frustration. With me. With what our father had left us with. For the blood that ran through both of our veins.
“It’s bec
ause of everything that you are that I know you can have it all.”
“You’re not dressed,” Elian noted, taking in my still naked body. I didn’t cover myself. There was no point.
Elian saw everything.
Everything I wanted him to see.
“I will,” I said, taking the bagel he handed me.
“If you don’t want to go, we can always head back,” Elian offered. I knew he was hoping I’d take him up on it. That we could get in his car and turn around. Head back the way we had come. Towards Brecken Forest and the dishonesty we built there.
A life built on lies was the only life we would ever have.
“No, I need to do this.” I broke off a piece of bagel and put it in my mouth. Not chewing. I swallowed it whole. Almost choking on it.
“Are you sure? We can—”
“Stop it, Elian. Don’t make this harder than it already is.” I was sharp as a knife. Cutting skin. Wanting him to stop.
I didn’t want his excuses. I didn’t want his well-intentioned words. Or his constant support.
I wanted him to let this be and let me do what was required.
Elian’s eyes were unreadable for the first time.
Not dancing.
Not dead.
Something else entirely.
“Well, I’m going to take a walk. I can’t just sit here and wait for you to go to see him. I’m crawling out of my skin.” He was so agitated.
He didn’t want to be around me.
Then I feared.
Was Matt right?
Was I making a mistake?
Was it even possible for me to go back to Brecken Forest and have a life with Elian? I knew the answer, why was I even questioning it?
Doubts were dangerous. They clouded the mind and dampened the soul with what ifs.
Elian stared at me for a while longer and I almost stopped him. I almost told him that we could leave. Forget about this ill-conceived trip into hell.
I almost allowed myself to forget about who I was and to embrace this world that he so easily offered.
But I didn’t.
I let him leave.
I was alone.
“Your dad’s a psycho!” Tasha was supposed to be my friend. We played together. We shared secrets. We had sleepovers and playdates.
But she looked at me like there was something wrong with me.
Daddy had gone.
The police had come to our house and taken him away. Mom had screamed and tried to stop them. They told her to stay inside or they’d take her away as well.
Matty hid upstairs, and I stood in the living room, watching my beloved father being put in the back of a police car.
The Contradiction of Solitude Page 21
