“Yes, it is. I want a divorce.”
“You tell me this over the phone?”
“You never made the time for me when I asked to talk to you. I’m sorry it came out this way. This is for the best. For both of us.”
“Is that it, then? I don’t get a say?” The venom has been masked. He’s softer in his words, but it’s not hurt, not the emotional kind, anyway; it’s his pride that’s damaged.
“I’m not happy, Phil, and I haven’t been for a long time. You’re cheating and won’t even admit it to me. We’ve been fighting, arguing. I’ve been telling you that things aren’t right between us but you’ve continued to ignore me. Not anymore. You knew this was coming. You are as absent from this marriage as I am.”
“Where is this coming from, Izzy? You’ve never complained before. We’ve been like this for years and you’ve never complained. What’s different about this time?”
I don’t know why this should bother me now, but it does. His wording ‘this time’ implies his behaviour has been like this before. I consider something I hadn’t imagined before now. Sophie is not the first time. He’s cheated before. He’s had affairs in the past, and I’ve not noticed. I feel sick—physically sick at the prospect that my marriage was always a sham, that I was so blinkered to it. God, did I ever know him at all? This is the man with whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life, have children and grow old and grey with.
“You really have some nerve to expect me to stay with you after this, even though you won’t admit to your affairs. It’s over. I’m divorcing you. I’ll be in touch regarding how we proceed from here.”
“Eleven years, Izzy, and that’s it? You finish us over the fucking phone. You really are a cold-hearted bitch.” The line goes dead.
“Seb…?”
“I’m sorry, Izzy, but I can’t do this.”
“No…” My mind panics. “I love you, Sebastian,” I blurt. He turns to face me.
“I know you do, sweetheart. Thank you for telling me, but that doesn’t help. You still return to Phil. I think you should take some time and think about what you want, Izzy. Really think.” He looks at me, my dress half on, half off from his impatience to fuck me, to claim me. “I think you need to leave.”
“No!” I scream, but it has little effect. The aquamarine of his gaze is tinged with pain and darkness rather than the bright blues and greens that normally shine back.
He doesn’t say anything further, just leaves me and closes the door behind him.
“No!” I scream and bolt upright in my bed, pulling myself from my dream. I’m breathing hard and I’m sticky with sweat, although it feels like I have an ice block in my chest, chilling me from the inside out. My dream is still a vivid image in my mind, Seb walking out on me all over again, the cold look in his eyes, telling me that we can’t be together. It turns my stomach, and I feel a roll of nausea that I fight off. I take a few moments to familiarise myself with the surroundings. I’m at Jess’s place, in what will be my bedroom and home for the next, well, I don’t know how long. Rolling to the side, I reach for my phone. It’s 3:10 a.m. I slump back down. I’m cold and scared. More than scared—terrified. With my dream so fresh, I can’t keep the hurt and pain and feeling of utter loss at bay. All my tears let loose at once, and they overwhelm me.
I cry. I cry so hard I can’t get in a breath to fill my lungs. A tight pain bands my lungs, squeezing them tighter, and I start to panic.
“Izzy, what’s wrong?” Jess’s concerned voice fills the room. She’s standing at the bottom of the bed. Light spills from the hallway, throwing her into shadow. “Oh, hun, what’s wrong?”
“I… I… I can’t. He said… I don’t… I don’t…” I know I’m not making sense, but I can’t speak the words. My tears consume me.
“Shh.” Jess sits down next to me and gathers me to her like a small child, letting me cry it out. Her embrace is like a lifeline and I cling to her, desperate to find my way back to safety.
I wake again. Jess and I must have fallen asleep. She’s lying next to me, and I try not to wake her as I extricate myself from the bed. Checking my phone again, I see that it’s nearly 6:00 a.m.
“Can you speak now?” Even her soft voice makes me start.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you—either time. I’m sorry, Jess.”
“Hey, don’t worry. I’m here for you, but it would help if I knew exactly what we’re dealing with. Is it Seb?” She sits up, leans back against the headboard and pulls the covers around her to keep warm. I turn and climb back in beside her, tucking the covers in. At this point I have nothing to fear. I’ve said my piece to Phil, even if it didn’t go the way I wanted it to. Jess isn’t his biggest fan, so I’ll have her support on that front.
“I told Phil I want a divorce. My words finally seemed to get through to him.”
“Asking for a divorce was a huge decision. You’ve been together for a long time. But I agree it’s the right thing for you to do. It’s been a long time coming and I can’t say I’m sorry.” She smiles and reaches out to grasp my hand.
“Thank you. I just, I think it took meeting Seb to make me see everything, or at least to help me see what I want. Jess, how did I let things get to this point? How could I not see? Phil said something on the phone that suggested he’d cheated on me before.” Jess and I are cuddled under the covers, like we used to do years ago when a good evening ended in a sleepover.
“What did he say?”
I bite my lower lip. “He asked what had changed this time, implying that he’s cheated before. I never noticed.” Saying it aloud makes me feel like a fool all over again. I’ve been blind.
“I’m sorry, Izzy. I am.” She doesn’t sound surprised. “You really are best without him. I know divorcing will be hard. You loved him for so long. What about Seb? Where does he fit in?”
“Well, isn’t that the big question? I don’t know myself.” I shrug. “It wasn’t supposed to be serious with Seb. Honestly, it wasn’t, but it grew into something I never thought could happen. He made me feel more than I could have ever imagined.” Giving words to the feelings inside of me helps me to think of the positive. Jess remains quiet, happy to let me finally talk this out. “It’s been… You know when you work something up in your head? A problem or something you hope will happen.”
“Like overthink it?”
“Yes, you think about it for hours and hours until you’re obsessing over how to achieve your goal? And then you finally reach it. Jess, being with Seb is like that. It was such a relief. Seb desired, wanted and valued me. After having none of those affections for so long, I was intoxicated. The warmth and love I felt was everything that I’d forgotten about, and was missing with Phil. I love him. I love him more than I ever thought I could love someone, even though we’ve only been together for a short while.”
“That’s great, hun.”
“I really hope that he’s in my future. We’ve not had a usual start to our relationship. We don’t really know each other. I want us to be together, but…”
“But what? What’s stopping you now?”
“Well, I’m scared. Scared of a lot of things, actually. How do I know these feelings can be true? That everything between us is real? I spent twelve years with Phil and our relationship amounted to nothing. Seb fulfils a fantasy of mine. What if things with him seem real because of the situation we’re in? Seb and I are new and fresh. What if my feelings are simply reflecting that? How can I trust what I’m feeling?”
“Hey, calm down, Izzy. Seb certainly didn’t seem unsure when he took you off me at the bar. Have some faith and believe in how you feel.”
“Perhaps. We had a fight. Seb said he wanted more than what was happening between us. I just… I don’t want to rush a relationship, yet I’m desperate to see him and work things out.” My eyes burn as the tears fall again, but I don’t worry about them now. I can cry because I love this man and I want to feel everything, including the hurt.
“Well, have you
spoken to him since the other night?” I think back to the last moments with Seb, telling him how I felt after all the hurt and confusion of the evening.
“No, I haven’t. I told him that I love him, but he wanted more. He said he won’t keep seeing me if I continue to go back to Phil.”
“Well, why don’t you talk to him?”
“Do you think? I don’t want to seem like I’ve only finished with Phil because of what he said. I want him to know that I want him for him, and for what we are together. I need to try and separate the two.”
“Then you need to tell him. He should understand if he knows you at all.” She delivers this with a small smile and another squeeze of my hand. I let her words sink into my foggy brain. Maybe she’s right.
“Okay, can we talk more later? I’m still so tired and my face hurts.” We both giggle. I’m suddenly so weary. I’ve been through the week from hell.
“Fine by me, but I’m not leaving. My bed’s cold and I’m nice and comfy here.” Jess snuggles down just to make her point. “Besides, I’m not sure I’m ready to leave you alone just yet.” With that, she turns over and goes back to sleep.
On Monday I contact a solicitor recommended by the firm we use at work. If I’m serious about leaving Phil, I need to show it. The solicitor, one Mr. Osbourn, goes through the process of the divorce, which seems fairly straightforward. I give him the outline to our relationship and that he’s cheating on me with Sophie. He asks me if I’ve discussed the divorce with Phil and if he might cause any problems. I tell him that I want to end things amicably, which he is pleased about. I fill out the details he’s asked for as well as a cheque to cover his fees and the cost of the divorce. The only thing I need to forward on is our marriage certificate. For the first time in almost a week, I feel lighter. I stop to grab a bottle of wine on the way home from work and text Jess to say that we’re staying in tonight.
“Cheers!”
We clink glasses, cuddling up to each other on the sofa.
“So what grounds did you state on the divorce? Did you put Seb’s name on the paperwork?”
I’m momentarily stunned. “No! It doesn’t work that way. I outlined everything to the solicitor. About Phil, that he’s been cheating on me. Phil’s adultery will be the grounds for the divorce. Him finding out about Seb would complicate things. I’ve put up with his behaviour for so long, but the solicitor said that this is the best way to go. I’ve got to get my marriage certificate and try and find Sophie’s details somehow, still. Then the solicitor can send off the petition.”
“Why do you need Sophie’s details—she’s Phil’s bit on the side, right?”
“Yes, I want to name her as the co-respondent.”
“Really? I thought you wanted amicable?”
“I do, but at the same time, I want Phil to hurt for what he’s put me through. I’m pleased I’ve done it, Jess, but can we not go into the details right now?”
“Okay, okay, I’m sorry. Please, you know I was trying to be nosey. Change of subject. What are you doing next week?”
“You mean Christmas? Nothing. I’m working right up to it. You?”
“I’m around but will be at my folks’ on the day. You’ll be more than welcome.”
“Thanks, can I think about it? I want to contact Seb. I need to make the first move, and I’m… hopeful.” I smile to myself, thinking how good it would be to spend Christmas with Seb. As my wine goes down, my mood goes up.
“I’m proud of you. I know this hasn’t been easy on you. I might remind you that if you’d not bottled up your feelings, it might have been easier.” She smiles at me and quirks her head to one side, teasing me again.
“Thank you. Are you still okay with me staying here? I’m not sure how long it will be before I’m ready to move out. I need to start paying you rent.”
“We can deal with all of that after Christmas.” She looks at the empty bottle on the table in front of us. “Do you want more wine?” Her mischievous grin has spread across her face and I can tell she’s hoping I agree.
“Sorry, I really shouldn’t. Half a bottle is my limit. Any more and I’ll have a hangover for work.”
“Fine. I suppose it is a school night. See you tomorrow.”
“Good night.”
It’s the first night that I want to hear Seb’s voice more than I don’t want to pick up the phone.
He always had the ability to calm and soothe me as well as command and control me with his words.
Making my way to my room, I sit on the bed and scroll to Seb’s number. My pulse kicks up a beat and my stomach knots with anticipation. I press call. It rings. And rings and rings. As the voicemail kicks in, I’m rewarded with a few brief words: “Sebastian York, leave a message.” At the beep, I shock myself and actually speak. No more easy Izzy.
“Hi. It’s me… I’ve wanted to call before today. Every day, in fact, but I’ve had some important things to get in order first. Can we talk? I miss you.” It’s all I can say. I pause before hanging up.
I hope he’ll talk to me, so that I can explain how sorry I am. Then, hopefully, we can look forward. I want to offer Seb the ‘more’ that he asked for, to be able to reciprocate what he’s done for me. I cling to that hope as I try to find the sleep I’m always in need of.
I get up early the next morning and stop by my house before going to work. Phil hasn’t contacted me and hasn’t returned any of my texts attempting to start talking our separation through properly. Why should he change that habit now? We need to talk about the divorce settlement and what we do with the house.
At least the locks haven’t been changed. I let myself in and take a tentative look around.
“Phil?” I call. His car isn’t in the drive, but I don’t want to get a surprise and find him here. I go to the spare room and pull open the draw with all our important paperwork. I take my passport and marriage certificate out. I go into the kitchen and take off my wedding bands. My eyes tear. They were a symbol of everlasting love and marriage. Now they only hold the memory of what went wrong.
I leave the rings on the kitchen sideboard. I don’t leave a note.
I arrive at work and grab a cup of coffee before settling down at my desk. It’s my little ritual. I phone Phil and leave a short, polite message, informing him that I’ll be filling for divorce.
“You’re getting divorced?” Mark’s question makes me jump out of my skin and I die a little on the inside. I’m absolutely clear that divorce is the right thing for me, but I’m not sure I want to share it with the world just yet.
“God, Mark, you scared me.”
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop. It’s quiet in here and I was getting a drink.” He sounds a little embarrassed.
I relax and try to talk about it. I’m going to have to at some point. “It’s alright. I should’ve been more private. I didn’t think anyone was in. And yes, I’m getting a divorce.”
“Is that why you were off for those weeks? I know you said it was an emergency.” I give Mark a rather frosty glare. I’m not comfortable talking about this or explaining myself in any further detail to my boss.
“Yes. I’m sorry, but I’d rather not talk about it any further.” I raise my eyebrows and nod to my desk, indicating that the subject is closed and I want to get back to work.
“Of course. I’m sorry you are going through such difficult times, Izzy.”
I post my marriage certificate to Mr. Osbourn over lunch. I don’t hear from Phil for the rest of the day, which is his usual MO. However, I don’t hear from Seb either. I text him before I leave the office. The whole journey home and the rest of the evening I wait for that little bing. Each email, every social media notification raises my hopes, but no contact from him comes.
While I’m waiting, I do a little investigating. Pulling up Facebook, I do a little stalking until I find what I’m looking for. Sophie Trent’s profile. The only person I know who might know where she lives is Jackson, Phil’s friend. I scroll through my numbers and h
it call.
“Hello?”
“Oh, hi, Laura. It’s Izzy.”
“I don’t think Phil’s here, I’m sorry.”
“No, I was actually after Jackson if he’s home.” My voice has a squeak that betrays my nerves. If I can’t get an address then I won’t be putting Sophie’s name on the paperwork.
“He’s not home either. Can I help?”
“Well, actually, do you know Sophie? Sophie Trent? She was at the Christmas party.”
“Sure, she’s been friends with Jackson for ages.”
“I’m trying to get in touch with her. Do you have her address?”
“Why do you need her address?” Maybe the truth would help here. It does sound a stupid request, and if any of my friends gave out my address as easily as this I’d be livid.
“Look, I know she’s been seeing Phil. I’m leaving him. I just need to clear the air with her. You know, face-to-face.” I grit my teeth, not wanting to give away the real reason behind the call.
“That bad, huh? She lives on Upper Camden Place, although I’m not sure of the number. I’m sorry it didn’t work out.” Laura doesn’t sound at all surprised.
“That’s fine. Thanks for your help, Laura.” I end the call and Google a search for the postcode. With my newfound knowledge, I fire off an email to Mr. Osbourn.
A loud bang and the sound of movement wakes me. It’s 2:30 a.m., and I think I hear Jess giggling downstairs. She’s not alone. The giggling dies but is replaced with low moaning.
I squeeze my eyes shut and bury myself under the covers. I cannot deal with hearing Jess get frisky with a guy. Way too much information. I hear more banging and footsteps.
“Which door, Jess? Mmmm… which door?”
“Right, right, this one.” Another bang and then silence. I pull my head out of the duvet and wait. Nothing. I relax and thank Jess for having thick walls. At least she’s having fun.
Forever More Page 2
