Forever More

by Rachel De Lune

  “Like crap. I need more sleep.”

  “Why couldn’t you sleep?” Seb asks once we’re heading to work. My head tips back and I take the opportunity to close my eyes for another few minutes.

  “It was a busy night, Seb. Lots to think about.” As soon as the words are out, I want to take them back. They sound like a brush off and I know Seb will see them as such. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap.” He doesn’t say anything else for the rest of the traffic-riddled journey into Bath.

  “Call me when you’re ready to leave and I’ll come and collect you.” His tone holds none of the warmth from this morning. I curse my tired brain for not choosing better words.

  I make it to my desk only thirty minutes late, but Mark isn’t anywhere to be seen. I head for some much-needed coffee and text Seb.

  I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking about what I was saying. I’ll see you later. Thank you for driving me. Love you. Izzy

  Seb’s been quiet all day, and I can’t escape the thought that my dismissive retort this morning might be the cause. He’s acknowledged my check-ins, but only just. I’m glad my brain isn’t functioning, otherwise I’d be right back with the issue of turning something that used to be fun and comforting into a chore.

  I pack up and head down to reception, and he’s waiting on the curb outside, his face still in profile, emphasising his gorgeous features. He doesn’t turn to me as I approach the car. After I’ve settled myself in, he pulls into the traffic and the car fills with the silence from this morning. I don’t want to fight. I’m too tired, but I hate when there is clearly something between us. I want to fix it, make everything right.

  Resting my head back and closing my eyes, I try to find the energy and the strength to talk to Seb openly and honestly, without reservation or hesitation.

  “I couldn’t sleep because I was trying to figure out how I was feeling after you took me to Solace. I was confused. I didn’t know what I should or shouldn’t be feeling. So I went to make myself a hot chocolate. It helped. Everything that was familiar to me has gone. Everything is new, which is exciting and brilliant, but intimidating, too, and that means that I retreat and let my insecurities get the better of me. I’m sure of myself, and of you, when you take control sexually. The full day yesterday led up to that, but I did find it hard. Finding it hard doesn’t mean that I don’t trust you. It’s just me trying to get used to all of this.” I peek to see Seb’s still focused on the road. The distance is helping me to talk. “The way you take control is sexy and comforting and makes me want to do as you say, but when you’re not with me, my head comes into play and that’s when I doubt what I’m doing.” I don’t want to say any more.

  “Was that so hard?” Seb’s voice is soft and soothing. Now he has me on the verge of angry tears.

  “Yes. Yes, it was. You know I struggle with being open about my feelings. I am trying. I’ve tried so hard today, when all I wanted to do was shut everything out and switch off. I didn’t. For you. I know what I said this morning was stupid but I’m shattered.”

  “Shh, sweetheart. You’ve done so well. Thank you. You even opened up to me without me prompting you. That is a great step for you. Don’t be upset.” His words send my tears welling over my lashes and my lip won’t stop trembling. I stare out of the window, shielding my face so Seb won’t see that I’ve cracked.

  I think back to this time yesterday. We were on our way to Solace. Now, I feel emotional and raw.

  Seb pulls me from the car, cocooning me as he walks me up to the apartment. I’m in a zombie state. My eyes are scratchy and dry, despite the tears, and I can barely lift my legs. He leads me safely into the bedroom and tucks me up into bed. I relax back on the pillow and fall straight to sleep, exhaustion overwhelming my body and mind.

  I wake and peek at my phone. It’s just after 8:00 p.m. There’s no sign of Seb so I assume he’s left me to rest. I stretch and climb out of my nest. I change and put some comfy PJs on then go in search of Seb. He’s not in his office so I venture to the kitchen. The apartment is quiet and dark, and I wonder if he’s gone out. My heart sinks.

  “Are you feeling better?” Seb’s deep voice shocks me and I reach for the breakfast bar in fright.

  “Jeez, Seb. You scared me.”

  “I’m sorry.” He comes out of the shadows to stand next to me.

  “Are you hungry? You’ve not eaten.” Seb moves past me and into the kitchen, opening the fridge and pulling out some leftovers.

  “A little. I’m sorry. I’ve slept the evening away.”

  “You needed the sleep, and I don’t mind. You’ve been through a lot. Are you feeling better now that you’ve got your feelings out in the open?” His question draws a frown to my face. I don’t feel any better. My worries are still there and I take a deep breath.

  “What if I’m not enough? What if I can’t be the submissive you need?”

  “You are, Izzy. I don’t know what else to say. You need to start believing in us.” He’s not cross, but his tone tells me that he’s exasperated with me.

  “I do. I’m trying.”

  “Then what’s the problem?”

  “Can’t you understand that this is happening really fast for me and I’m struggling to adjust to the changes? They might not seem like much to you, but they are for me. The small piece of independence I regained after leaving Phil is evaporating. I don’t feel comfortable with that. I want to be the woman and the submissive you need, yet I want to keep my self-sufficiency as well.”

  Seb’s quiet for a while. Something has shifted. He heaves a deep sigh and I hold my breath at what he’s going to say next. “Come on. I’m going to run a bath for you. You need to relax before going to bed. I don’t want you up all night again.” He disappears into the bathroom and I hear the water begin to fill the tub.

  I follow after him and wait in the bedroom. I’m not sure if he understands my point, but at least we’re talking. He walks back from the bathroom and places a gentle kiss on my forehead. Tucking a lose strand of hair over my ear, he cradles my face in his palm. His soft smile tells me he’s not mad anymore.

  Slowly and sensually, Seb pulls my pyjamas off and leads me into the muggy bathroom. The tub is filled with bubbles and the scent of citrus lingers in the air. Seb takes my hand and helps me in. I lie back and relax into luxury.

  “I’ll be waiting for you when you’re out.”

  “Thank you.”

  Seb leaves and I tap down the twinge of disappointment that he didn’t join me. I should have asked him. Years in a bad marriage where it was easier for me not to express my feelings or desires have made it hard for me to voice my wants. I want our connection, his touch and his control to help me gain an understanding of my feelings, to help me understand him. I sink under the bubbles and dunk down into the deep water. The quiet swamps my senses and clears my mind. I concentrate on letting go of all my doubt and fear, to look for the positives and move forward. I emerge and let the water splash around. Be positive. Don’t let fear and doubt in.

  I leave the bathroom and towel dry my damp hair. The fluffy bath robe calls to me, so I slip it on and head out to Seb. He sits in the lounge with the lights on now. There’s a small platter and two mugs on the table.

  “All relaxed?”

  “Yes, thank you.”

  He lies back on the sofa and pulls me between his legs. I snuggle into his chest. Being close like this immediately soothes me and I repeat my mantra from the bathroom—be positive. Don’t let fear and doubt in.

  “I’ve got an overnight stay in Manchester this week. I think the space may help you, ease the pressure you may be feeling.”

  He’s right.

  “But I don’t want you to stop keeping in touch. That won’t change, Izzy. You know that it’s as much for me as you.”

  “I know.” Seb leans over to grab a few grapes and feeds them to me. It’s too late for a meal, but a few bites are very welcome, especially from his hand.

  “You may feel this is too soo
n, but I’ve been waiting for you for a long time.” When he says things like that, I feel like a stupid girl. Why can’t I relax about all the changes that he’s introducing? Why can’t I go back to how I felt when we only had a few stolen moments together?

  “I know, but please… Please try and see it from my side as well. My entire world has changed. The routine I’m used to, what I can and can’t do, having someone who actually cares for me. It feels overwhelming, Seb. I love you—so, so much, but perhaps we can slow down?”

  “We’ll find our way, Izzy. Talk to me, and tell me your fears. It’s the only way I can remove them.”

  “It’s not just about my insecurities. I have to learn to be the Izzy I want to be with you. Being with Phil was all I knew. Please be patient with me.”

  “Let’s focus on communicating with each other. I know you’ve learned to bottle up and not speak your mind. You don’t seem to have any problem when I dominate you at home so I’ll continue to do that.”

  “That sounds good.” He rewards me with a bite of chocolate.

  “Izzy, this report makes for great reading. You’ve made some great percentage increases from the stats six months ago. Well done.”

  “Thanks, Mark.”

  “Keep up this work and I’ll talk to management about making you a senior account manager.”

  “Really?” I’m scurrying to pack my bag. At his words, I stop and look at Mark.

  “I’m serious, Izzy. Well done. Your added hours and effort haven’t gone un-noticed.”

  “Thank you. I know I’ve been a little… inconsistent.”

  “As long as your work doesn’t suffer, I’ll put up with your inconsistent attendance. Now, go home. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  My smile is completely genuine. Mark wanders back across the office and I continue to straighten my desk. My phone vibrates with a reminder to text Seb. I hastily fire off a quick message, eager to get home and tell him the good news. I stuff my iPad and a few files into my bag and nearly run out of the office. It’s about time I had some good news to tell Seb.

  The last few weeks have been a mix of trying to find the right balance between us. While he’s been away, I’ve had to focus hard and not go to my dark place. Seb’s been aware of that and has helped by phoning me regularly. Work has been a fantastic distraction and my hard work has paid off.

  I can’t stand the checking in via text message. I understand that he’s concerned for me and my texts reassure him I’m safe, but it doesn’t help. All of the personal detail, the cheeky and often blatant sex texting has dried up. I miss it.

  I march down to the car park, eager to get home. Being away from Seb always exaggerates my feelings. His presence grounds me and offers the reassurance that other forms of communication can’t.

  “Izzy, can we talk?”

  “Phil!” I’m startled, dropping my car keys as I approach my car. “You scared me.” My eyes search the car park, looking for witnesses.

  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to.” He sounds defeated, sombre even. His change in mood sets off every suspicious fibre in my body. He was shouting his demands the last time we spoke. What’s changed?

  “What do you want, Phil?” I grip the keys in the palm of my hand, feeling certain his anger will show any minute.

  “Please, Izzy. Hear me out. I’m not here to fight. I promise.” Him saying he’s not here to fight doesn’t help my nerves. In a matter of weeks, he’s gone from someone I shared a house with to a man that I’d cross the street to avoid.

  “I need to get home, and I’m not happy about you just showing up like this at my work.”

  “I’m sorry. Look, I’ve been thinking and I’ve made some bad decisions. I wanted to apologise.” His face sports a five o’clock shadow of scruff and the bags under his eyes rival mine at their worst. Despite his sorry appearance, I can’t let him talk his way out of everything he’s done.

  “I don’t have anything to say. You refused to talk to me, to hear me out when I wanted to do this amicably. My solicitor told me you’ve acknowledged the divorce petition and that you’ll be defending it.” He can’t expect me to just forgive and move on.

  “I’ll withdraw my defence, or whatever I need to do. I won’t fight the divorce, but I hope that it won’t come to that. I want another chance. I want us to work. I miss you, Iz. I’ve been a wanker.” His outright apology floors me. What? Why couldn’t we have had this conversation months ago, when I needed him to listen to me and admit that things were broken? I stare in shock, not sure what I can say. “Iz, will you give us another go?”

  “Another go? Are you serious? After everything you’ve said and how you’ve treated me? I wanted us to end as friends. We’ve spent nearly half our lives together, but you couldn’t respect that enough to come clean to me. I needed you to be there for me and you chose to give up.” My forgotten hurt and disappointment at the failure of our marriage is now vibrating through me. “I’m not innocent in this either, Phil. I’m seeing someone and I’d like to be able to move on. I should have asked for the divorce a long time ago, but I didn’t have the courage.”

  “I don’t care what you’ve done. We’ve both been bad, but I need you, Iz. I love you. Please… I’ll do anything.”

  “No, Phil. Stop. I don’t love you anymore.”

  He’s getting agitated, desperate to make me listen to him. “I’ll do the bedroom stuff. I’ll tie you up and spank you. I’ll make it good, for both of us.” He grabs for my wrists, pleading with me. I shake him away and back up against the car.

  “No! This isn’t going to work. I won’t change my mind.”

  “Please, I’m begging you. I love you. I’ve been an idiot. Come on, just think about it. We love each other.”

  “I’m sorry, Phil, but it’s not that easy. I don’t want to be with you anymore. I want the divorce.”

  “That’s it? It’s over?”

  “It’s been over for a long time.” That I’ve not backed down seems to stump him.

  “Please, don’t do this. Give us some time. We can work it out.”

  “No. I’m not backing down. Are you still going to fight this?” It will be a hell of a lot easier if he doesn’t defend the divorce. We can both move forward. I wasn’t looking forward to having this strung out in court.

  My question hangs in the air and I hold my nerve.

  “No, I won’t continue to defend it.”

  “Thank you.” I release a sigh, relief draining me of all my nervous energy.

  Phil creeps backward, tentative in his steps, as if he’s unsure of what to do next. I watch him turn and leave without a backward glance. For the first time in months, I feel lighter. Things are finally going the way I want and I have some semblance of control over my life.

  I slump into the car and lock the doors. Adrenaline from my confrontation with Phil makes my body tremble. This face-to-face might have ended on a calmer note, but I’ve not forgotten how angry he was the other day. I text Seb to say I’m heading home. I don’t mention Phil. That information is better handled in person.

  The tremors finally cease as I pull into the parking space at Seb’s building. Phil’s behaviour didn’t show any of the aggression that I had come to expect from our previous confrontations. His lack of anger is unnerving all on its own. I’ve learned not to trust his word and I know I should take his visit with a pinch of salt.

  “I’m home,” I call as I push the door to the apartment open. It’s been a long and tiring day and I’d like nothing more than to soak in a bath under a mountain of bubbles.

  Seb’s sitting in his chair in the lounge as I walk into the apartment. He’s holding a tumbler of amber liquid and looks as tired as I feel. Seb doesn’t usually drink, so seeing him with a glass this early is different.

  “Good day?” I ask in a hopeless attempt to lighten the mood. I can already feel the tension sparking in the air.

  “Not particularly. You?” He doesn’t look at me and proceeds to sip his drink.

  “
As a matter of fact, yes. I have some good news and later I’m going to reward myself with a long soak in the tub.” Seb’s eyes flash to mine at my suggestion.

  “That sounds like a great idea. First, I want us to talk. Come.” He beckons me over to sit by his feet. It’s the place that I’ve always found comforting, and I know that I won’t struggle to talk when I’m there.

  I lower myself to the floor and let the familiar feeling at being in this position calm my nerves. As soon as I stop fidgeting, he starts to smooth my hair. His touch sweeps away all of my tension and stress. The gentle caress lulls me into a dreamy haze. My eyes drift close and my breathing slows. His touch is hypnotic.

  “I know you like this. Tell me your good news.”

  “Well, Mark is really happy with my work. I told you I’ve been doing more client work, and it’s paying off. He said if I can keep it up he’ll make me senior account manager.” With Seb’s relaxing caress and the good news, I feel blissful.

  “That’s fantastic news. I know how hard you’ve been working recently. Congratulations.” He places a gentle kiss on the top of my head. My body lights up with shivers. “Why didn’t you let me know earlier?”

  “I didn’t want to share the good news in a quick text. Plus Mark only told me as I was rushing out the door.”

  “They don’t have to be quick, Izzy. You’re choosing to see them like that because you feel you’re checking in. We’ve been over this before.”

  “I’m sorry. I know we have, but I still feel the same way about them. Texting used to be nice, and sometimes it still is nice, but not when I have to stick to a schedule.” My happy mood fades into the past.

  “I’ve been thinking about what will help you feel more confident about my feelings for you. I thought that telling you I loved you would be enough, but I know you still have doubts.”

  “I know you love me. I don’t have any doubts about that.” I’m quick to reassure him. I don’t want him to think I don’t believe him. I turn and pull myself up on to his lap. “I love you and I know you love me.”