by Dave Daren
I drove out to the O’Brien mansion, this time alone. Vicki didn’t need to be there, although she was enamored of the idea of watching the O’Brien children bicker. Whatever was in the will, we would sort through it together in the coming months.
My phone buzzed with a text from Phoenix. “We still on for this afternoon?” He was leaving tomorrow, and Vicki, Harmony and I were all going out with him on a desert ATV ride. I was really going to miss him. After our trip to L.A., we had gotten closer, and I was just starting to get to know him.
During my L.A. years, Harmony had been my only real connection to my family. Since I had been back, she had been so busy, I hadn’t spent a lot of time with her. But I started connecting with Phoenix. I texted him back that we were still on for the afternoon.
As I passed through the desert, I started thinking about this past week. AJ had come back from Chicago, with a few stories and some fresh Landon conspiracy theories. I tuned her out somewhere about a whole theory about Hillary Clinton drinking blood because she was a Satanic robot.
“AJ,” I said as I rubbed my eyes. “Do you really believe this stuff?”
She got about as serious as I’ve ever seen her. “I don’t know if it’s true, but if it is true, then people need to know. What if it is true?”
She sighed and looked at me, her dark eyes brimming with sincerity. “What would that mean for all of us? What if everything you’ve been taught and understand about the world is a lie? What if there is no real America, and it’s all just theatre?”
I sighed and chose my words carefully. “Okay, what if it is true? What do you do about it?”
“I don’t know,” she said. “Do you think it’s possible?”
“No,” I said. “I don’t think there’s a grand government conspiracy to control the people. Because, I look at the government, and they are all a bunch of lying, cheating, bumbling bureaucrats who are so obsessed with being right, that they can’t pass a budget or bill to save their lives. And, I don’t know when they would have time to pass a bill anyway, because most of the time they can’t even keep their pants on.”
“That is true,” she laughed.
“So,” I said. “I have a hard time believing that they could collude with each other enough to follow some sort of manipulative conspiracy to enslave the American people.”
That gave her enough of a nugget to think about. In the last couple of days, however, I had noticed that with Landon gone, she started to get more focused, and less distracted.
The other item I had rolling around in my head was Vicki’s parents. They would be arriving from South Korea tomorrow. They had rented a room at a luxury bed-and-breakfast, but they would be spending most of their time hanging around with us.
Vicki had been edgy on and off for the last few days. She had also scrubbed every inch of the house like a maniacal neat freak, convinced that every piece of dust would be an indictment on her sense of personhood from her parents.
The whole thing was odd to me. Parental disapproval I could understand. But, bending over backwards to make them think you’re something you’re not? I couldn’t get that. Then again, with all the issues in my own family, who was I to judge?
I was coming up on the mansion now and I got a good view. It was just up the hill, a shining beacon of desert opulence. I buzzed in through the gate, and a security guard let me in. Last time we had been here, the drive was full of cars. Now, it was a circular drive with perfectly landscaped lawns and empty of vehicles. I suspected the various O’Briens were parked in private parking areas. As I pulled in, Earnie Green was hot on my tail in his silver Porsche.
He exited the vehicle and saw me. We both exchanged knowing glances and smiled at each other.
“This is going to be fun,” the tall, lanky Grecian said with a grin.
“Yeah,” I said. “Keep telling yourself that.”
He laughed. “I have. The whole way over.”
We laughed together and headed up to the front door. A portly Hispanic woman let us in and showed us into the great room. As we passed through the foyer, I sighed and glanced back up at the wildlife fresco on the ceiling. The place did seem sad and lacking soul without its patriarch.
I hadn’t gotten a good look at the house when I had been here earlier. But now, in the quiet of the mid-morning, the great room was beyond impressive. It was an oval shaped space, and one side was covered with windows revealing a pool.
On another end, two winding wooden staircases led to a second story that overlooked the first. I could see bedroom doors and hallways over the railings. The ceiling was ornate wood moulding shaped in a wheel formation. Between the two staircases, there was a floor to ceiling tranquility fountain. In front of the fountain was the largest grand piano I had ever seen. All around the room were multiple couch seating areas in florals and solids.
In one area, however, sat the eclectic group. They all looked up expectantly when they saw me. Showtime. It had been a while since I had had to command a room like this. The cases I had done since being back in Sedona had all been settled out of court, so this was as close to a courtroom jury as I had seen in six months. It felt good. With heavy steps of confidence, I strode to the front of the room, and shot a winning smile over the gathered.
On one couch Shannon sat primly in an oddly cut blue dress that looked more like a concept piece than actual fashion. Daphne wore a tank top with suspenders, and a bottom that looked like it was designed to be shorts, but honestly, was shaped more like underpants. Gareth’s look channeled Kurt Cobain today, with 90s retro ripped jeans, flannel shirt and Doc Martens.
Mila and Emily, Alister’s girlfriends, looked stunning in skin tight dresses, candy red and bubble gum pink respectively. Their matching heels genuinely made them both look like life sized Barbie dolls.
“Good morning,” I said smoothly. I rubbed my hands together to start the meeting. There wasn’t much chit chat in the first place, but now you could hear a pin drop.
“I’m glad you all could make it,” I said.
It was a sarcastic remark, but I hid my tone well. “On behalf of our legal team, myself, Vicki Park, and AJ Castillo, we extend our deepest sympathies and condolences for the loss of Alister O’Brien.”
The tension in the room was so thick, it would take a knife to cut it. I was enjoying the rush a bit of toying with their emotions. I noticed the girlfriends literally were sitting at the edge of their seats. If I made them wait any longer, I wondered if they would fall on the floor with the anticipation.
I decided I would extend my opening remarks just a couple of minutes longer, because this was just too much fun.
“I didn’t know Alister that well,” I continued, “but I know he meant a lot to this town, and he will be sorely missed. I--”
“Blah, blah, blah,” Shannon interrupted as she snapped her thumb and forefinger in the accompanying blah-blah gesture. “I’m sorry, just some of us have a plane to catch.”
I raised an eyebrow, and Earnie cleared his throat.
“There you go again, Shannon,” Gareth whined. “Making this all about you.”
“I am not making it all about me,” she said. “It’s just you know, let’s get on with this.”
“Well, we would if you would shut up,” her brother replied.
“I am trying to, but you keep talking to me,” she shot back.
“Omigod,” he said. “Just stop talking, Shannon, for like, fifteen minutes. It is seriously not that hard.”
“I’m only talking because you’re talking to me,” she said.
“Well, I’m only talking to tell you to shut up,” he said.
“No, you shut up.”
“No, you shut up.”
My mouth dropped, and I tried desperately to hide my amusement.
Finally Mila stood up and stamped her hot pink Barbie heel into the rug. “Both of you shut up!” She yelled. “Just stop!”
“Whore,” Shannon retorted back at her.
“At least I don
’t have herpes,” Mila shot at Shannon.
“Omigod,” Shannon jumped up, and then the next thing I knew the two women were catfighting in heels and couture dresses.
Between squealing and hair pulling, they tried to assault each other, while simultaneously trying not to fall over in their five inch shoes, nor ruin their expensive clothing. Accomplishing all of those goals together was nearly impossible, so watching the attempt was quite mesmerizing.
“Should we stop them?” Earnie whispered to me.
“I’ll give them a few,” I said. “This is amusing.”
Earnie snickered. After a minute, it appeared Shannon was winning, and then Emily jumped in the fray. At that point, it ceased to be funny, and I decided to get control of the room.
“Hey,” I yelled.
They all stopped and looked at me, disheveled hair and dresses.
“Ladies,” I said gently, “Let’s put our differences aside long enough to take a seat and listen to Alister’s last words.”
They all looked at each other with disgust and then reluctantly sat down.
“Alright,” I sighed. “Now that we’re all peaceful, let’s get down to business. Alister’s will was done mainly on this video cassette tape. His instructions were clear, that this tape should be watched together, and that none of us know what is on this tape.” I looked around for a television. I didn’t see one in the room.
“Where would we watch this?” I asked.
“There’s a VCR in the theatre,” Mila’s tone was impatient and irritated.
“Great,” I said. “Mila, would you kindly show us the way?”
Mila stood, and she led the procession up the stairs. I was concerned about the delicate balance of peace we had just achieved and how it would be affected by the changing locations. I stayed between Shannon and Mila, but those weren’t the only feuding parties.
I eyed Earnie as we walked up the stairs.
In a barely perceptible whisper, he said, “This is what I was telling you that night on the phone.”
“Geez,” I sighed. I glanced around for any broken windows. I didn’t see anything.
After a trip down a long hall, we ended at the theatre. It was a spacious room and mounted on the wall was the single largest television I have ever seen in a private home. It took up the whole wall, nearly floor to ceiling.
The rest of the room had sectional leather reclining couches arranged in a U shape, with plenty of throw pillows and a couple of blankets. Shannon brought the dimming lights to full capacity. Since everyone but Earnie, Cindy and I, either lived here, or had lived here, most of the party silently folded themselves into the couches.
“Where’s the VCR?” I asked Cindy.
“Allow me,” she said.
She took the tape into a closet, and then the television flickered blue, and then black. Then, Alister’s face came into the room, beamed in a full color light. I turned the light dimmer all the way down, so that the viewers’ attention would be directed to the screen, and not on the other parties in the room.
Alister was in an old fashioned gray suit with a red and white striped tie, and he had white whiskers and white tufts of hair coming from all sides of his head but the top. He sat at a desk in a library that didn’t really match the decor I had so far seen in the mansion. I actually recognized a couple of the law dictionaries on the shelf behind him. It was clearly the office of his old lawyer, Thomas Earhardt.
I perched on the arm of the couch and Earnie sat next to me. Everyone in the room watched the only thing we all had in common: the man whose image filled up the wall. His voice was low and gravelly.
“Hello all of you,” he said. “If you are watching this, I am gone. My life has been good, and I bid this world farewell.” He then launched into a chorus of an Irish folk song.
“Ugh,” Mila moaned. “Can we please skip this part and get to the good part?”
“Shut up, you cheap skank,” Shannon said. “That’s my father up there.”
“Oh, like you give a shit,” Mila said. “How often did you visit in the last…I don’t know…ever? Meanwhile, I’ve been by his side, sickness and in health. Where were you when he--”
“Oh, no beyotch,” Shannon interrupted. “You are not the little wifey, you are just some nasty little--”
I paused the tape. “Hey, hey, guys,” I said. “Let’s show some respect. If not for each other, then for the man up there. This is literally the last time any of you will hear his voice. So, just hear him out, and then…you can…kill each other afterward.”
“See, look what you’ve done,” Gareth suddenly piped up. “Now this nice man thinks we’re a bunch of spoiled barbaric assholes.”
“We are a bunch of spoiled barbaric assholes, Gareth,” Shannon said.
“Well, yeah,” he said. “But he doesn’t have to know that. Can we just be civil for once?”
“Oh my God!” Daphne finally stood up. She had been so quiet I forgot she was there half the time. “I can’t take it anymore! You are all driving me insane!”
She stormed out of the room. Earnie and I looked at each other. We were legally obligated to have everyone in the room to play the tape.
“Someone go get her, please,” my tone was starting to show my thinning patience. “We can’t play the tape unless she is in here.”
Shannon groaned and left the room in search of Daphne. While she was gone, Gareth leaned back into the couch and mumbled obscenities, and Emily pulled a bottle of whiskey from the couch cushions. She took a long swig and then passed it around.
Mila sent me another smoldering look like she had that night at the party and seductively licked her lips. I cleared my throat and looked away in bewilderment and mild disgust. Finally, Shannon and Daphne showed back up. They wordlessly sat back down, and I held the remote up.
“Everyone ready for this?” I asked.
A resounding chorus rose from every mouth in the room, “Yes!”
Satisfied, I clicked the tape back on. I realized quickly that Mila had heard this one before. The Irish song lasted another mind boggling eight minutes. Somewhere in the middle of it, Alister closed his eyes and sang in Gaelic with a deep emotive expression.
Gareth was now asleep on the couch. The whiskey bottle now laid empty on the floor, and someone was blazing up. I couldn’t tell who in the dark, but my suspicions were on pretty much everyone. That is, except for myself, Earnie and Cindy.
Finally, the hymn was over, and Alister opened his eyes. The atmosphere in the room shifted as he moved in to the climactic moments that everyone had been waiting for over the last week. I even found myself sitting on the edge of my seat.
Alister cleared his throat and picked up a sheet of paper on the desk. He slipped on a pair of reading glasses, and then glanced back up and down, before finally reading from the page. “I, Alister O’Brien, being of free will and sound mind, do declare this to be my last will and testament,” he read. He cleared his throat again, drew a deep breath, and paused.
I heard a noise and noticed Emily actually did fall off the couch from anticipation. She smiled a little sheepishly, dusted herself off and sat back down.
Alister continued, “To my eldest daughter and first child, Shannon, I bequeath a legacy worth a one-year stay at the very same Amish farm that I spent a year at in my own youth. May she be blessed to learn the value of hard work, ceaseless toil, and selflessness.”
“What?” Shannon exploded. “You have got to be kidding me.”
My eyes widened, and my mouth dropped. Even I knew that was the lowest blow he could have possibly delivered to her.
Alister continued. “To my only son, Gareth, I bequeath two separate stays at the Promises Drug Rehabilitation Center in Holbrook. May you finally get your head out of your ass and turn into a real man you selfish, spoiled, pansy man-child. I also leave you a one year employment contract with the copper mill, in hopes that you will stop that ridiculous joke of a script writing career and get yourself together. Grow a pa
ir, son!” Alister pounded the desk with emphasis.
Gareth cursed a blue streak and threw his fedora at the television. Alister sighed deep and long and his face registered with genuine concern as he launched into his next paragraph.
“To my youngest daughter Daphne, you are the apple of my eye, but by God, child, I swear you are dumb as a brick! To you, I bequeath a permanent trust fund with an income of $150,000 a year, because otherwise…I…I…don’t know how you’re going to eat!” Alister shook his head, took off his glasses, furrowed his brow and rubbed his forehead. “Child, there’s just…no hope for you.”
Daphne cocked her head and looked at the television with a blank stare. “Huh?” she asked confusedly.
Alister shook his head of the thought, put his glasses back on, and went back to reading. “To my girlfriends Mila and Emily, you lying, manipulative, deceitful, cheating, drunk whores, I leave you nothing.”
Alister paused for effect, and rightly so, because an audible gasp emitted from everyone. I glanced around to see if this would result in another catfight, but everyone just looked shocked.
“The rest of my estate, the excess of fifty million dollars, I want all the assets sold, and the money to be left in trust to my prized zebra, Neptune.”
The room was dead silent as it all sank in. The zebra? Seriously? The zebra?
Alister continued, “A trust will be set up according to the documents laid out in the letter that follows, and the trustee will be my business partner and longtime friend and associate, Earnie Green, under the direction of my chief legal counsel. That’s it.”
The tape abruptly ended, and my mouth dropped in shock. I was the chief legal counsel.
I just inherited control of Alister O’Brien’s estate.
And the main beneficiary was a zebra.
Chapter 7
There was complete silence in the room for a full minute.
Then the explosion started.
“There is no fucking way,” Shannon started. “That the fucking zebra…”
“Was he drugged?” Mila said. “Because I don’t think he really meant to do that.”
