In my bedroom, the annoying voice is telling me I'm a moron. Having Willow in my room is probably the only idea worse than twerking. My need to calm her and silence her fears is overruling my own logic. Sometimes it takes stepping away from a problem to gain a new perspective. She's too focused on the details that it’s causing her to miss the bigger picture.
I'm just finishing up getting ready when a knock sounds at the door. I pull it open to find Willow in my doorway. She’s pulled her long hair up into a ponytail since I saw her a few hours ago. Her eyes are big and bright, looking up at me in apprehension.
"Come on in," I say and step back to let her pass.
"So, what are we doing?"
I reach my hand out to her and she takes it instantly. I pull her toward me and pull the blindfold from my back pocket. Her eyes go wide and I hear the breath catch in her throat.
"Don't be scared," I whisper. "Do you trust me?"
She looks up into my eyes before nodding. "I do."
"This is to block out all visual distractions, that's all."
Willow lets me wrap it around her eyes and I brush my fingers down the side of her face when I'm done. Her chest is rising quickly and she nibbles on her bottom lip. Before I do something more stupid, I turn her and start to walk her down my hallway. Her feet freeze momentarily before she decides to follow.
I guide her into the bedroom and in front of the bed. The air is tight with anticipation and tension. There was a reason I blindfolded her before we got to my room. A bedroom is a private and intimate place. Knowing I was taking her to my room would only heighten her nerves. Even if she knows where we are, blocking the visual clues will still reduce her apprehension.
"I need you to lie on your stomach," I say into her ear from behind her.
Willow uses her hands to feel her way onto the mattress. She's on her hands and knees in the middle of my bed with a blindfold on. I want to smack myself for not knowing how much that sight would turn me on. It's an image I will replay in my head for a long time. I watch as she slowly lowers herself down. I'm glad she can't see how hard she makes me and I think about crawling behind her and pulling her hips back into mine.
"What are you going to do?" she asks. Her voice is breathy and I summon all my willpower to stay on task.
"Relax," I tell her as I come over to the bed. It's astonishing the trust she has in me. She's putting herself in a position that I could do whatever I wanted to her. Placing my hand on her back, I guide her to lie down on her stomach.
I grab the headphones and iPod from the nightstand. I select a song and place one ear bud in her ear. "This is music from your computer. I want you to listen, forget everything else for a little bit, and relax."
"Okay," she whispers into my quilt.
I put the other ear bud in and turn up the volume. A faint smile graces her lips and I grab one of the oils from my dresser. I pour some in my palm and take one of her small hands. The lavender scent fills the room as I rub and massage her hands. Willow makes little grunts when I press deeply and sooth the muscles. I work my way up her arms, leaving no skin untouched up to her sleeves.
I walk around to the other side of the bed and untie her shoes, letting them fall to the floor with a thud. Her feet feel small in my hands when I hold them. Willow moans as I work the ache out of her heels and toes. The sounds she makes are driving my mind to places I have been trying to avoid. I'm imaging the sounds she would make naked underneath me.
"Can I lift your shirt?" I ask in her ear after pausing the music.
"Yes."
I crawl over and straddle her, careful to keep from pressing into her ass. I slide the shirt up to her shoulder blades. Smooth and pale skin is revealed with a red bra strap. I groan and squeeze my eyes shut. I'm an idiot if I really thought this wouldn't jeopardize our professional relationship. Willow lifts slightly on her elbows.
"Off?"
"Sure. I'm already in hell," I grunt. She can't hear me over the music so I look to the ceiling and lift the shirt the rest of the way off. Because I like to torture myself, I unsnap the bra once she’s rested back down.
My oiled hands move easily over her back. Her body is small beneath my large hands. My thumbs dig into her shoulders and work down her spine. I can feel the tension slowly easing out of her. The once rock-hard muscles turn to jelly under my touch. Willow's face eases and her eyes stay shut.
Her shoulder blades are oiled and liquefied after rubbing out the tension. I work my way down her body, pulling out more moans. My fingers glide down her sides and I watch the goosebumps trail behind. Willow arches slightly and she gasps when I rub circles into her lower back. My own body is wound tight with restraint as I dip my fingers under the top of her jeans.
"Red panties?" I ask.
"Someone pointed out I only owned black and I looked good in color," she replies in a lazy voice. I didn't think she would hear me.
I play with the red lace and take in all of her exposed skin. It's impossible to focus on my good intentions anymore. All logic is flying right out my window. Something about the idea that she was wearing something just for me was breaking down every reason I should leave this room. Underneath her armor of clothes, there's something only for me. Something the world doesn't get to see.
I lean forward and press my lips at the base of her neck. The skin is warm and smells like vanilla masked in the lavender oil. Willow holds her breath as I kiss down her spine. Every kiss is a forbidden taste. I run my hands over her body and touch as much as I can.
"Landon?" she whispers in question. "What are you doing?"
"Kissing you. Kissing reduces anxiety and stops the noise in your head. It increases the calming hormones in your body and produces a feeling of peace," I say against her skin.
"Is that so?" The words flutter out of her mouth with a soft moan.
"It's a fact," I tell her as I kiss her shoulder and move to her neck.
"Shouldn't I be kissing you since I need the peace and calm?" she asks, and I see the edges of her lips tip into a smile.
"Seeing you like this, in my room half-naked, I think I need to calm down, too," I whisper in her ear.
Willow turns under me and holds her arm across her chest to keep her bra in place. Her other arm snakes around my shoulder. With her hand in my hair, she pulls me down to her lips. A sound of relief comes from her throat when I kiss her. Our mouths are frantic and hungry when they connect. Finally losing my fight, I ease down on top her.
Our bodies are touching as my tongue dips into her mouth. She tastes like coffee and cinnamon. It's intoxicating and I can't get enough. I press into her and swallow the gasp that leaves her. My hand explores her exposed stomach and I feel her muscles ripple under my touch. Willow breaks away for breath and I gently bite the side of her neck. She arches into me as I kiss and lick the bite away.
"You need to stop me," I say against her collarbone. I know I'm not capable to do it on my own.
"I can't," she moans and wraps a leg around me. I moan when I feel her pressed against me and I curse the invention of jeans.
Willow eases her arm out from between us and I start a collision course down her chest. I feel every gasp, pant, and moan under my mouth. I kiss over the swells of her breasts. I want to suck and leave a mark to claim her as my own. Willow is trembling under me as I ease away the lace blocking me.
"You are absolutely perfect," I say as I stare down at her topless figure.
Her lips are pink and swollen. Her chest is rosy from the rush of blood under the skin. Small and perky nipples harden in the air-conditioning and my mouth waters thinking about licking them. Leaning down, I flick my tongue over one nipple. I take it in my mouth while she squirms against me. I'm lost in her and loving that she looks like a different person in my arms.
I freeze as she stiffens against my body and pull my mouth off to look up at her. Willow's eyes widen and her mouth drops open. The haze is lifted and the rest of the world filters through the fog.
"I sh
ould go," she says with a shaky voice. "I need to go. I'm sorry."
I jump off her like she's on fire and Willow frantically covers herself back up.
"Are you okay?" I ask, knowing she's clearly not. Her eyes that were filled with lust and need have gone dark and stormy.
Willow stands and looks back at me on the bed. "I don't know."
I don't stop her as she flees from my room. I don't chase her to the door or try to stop her. Instead, I hold myself back as her footsteps race across the apartment and the door slams shut behind her.
I wake with a start. It's early and the sun is rising outside my windows. I'm sweaty and breathing quick. I throw off the covers in frustration. Dreams of Landon have been haunting me the past few nights. Avoiding him hasn't seemed to have helped either. I head to the shower, hoping the ache and wetness will wash away. It's a distraction I can't afford right now. At night, when my brain shuts off, my memories filter in. That's not happening anymore because Landon and his naked body have been dominating my dreams, leaving me feeling aroused and more confused. I need all the functioning brain cells I can muster.
My body feels deliciously relaxed and the persistent ache in my feet are gone. Landon's hands worked magic on my body. After his fingers turned me into a pile of goo, his touch awakened every nerve. Without my sight or hearing, all I could do was feel. Every sensation and tickle was amplified. It was probably the most erotic and pleasurable experience of my life.
Dressed in a thick robe, I start the coffee and light a candle. It's taking days to rid the apartment of the floral smell. Despite the one flower-patterned dress I own, I don't really like flowers all that much. One bouquet would have been sufficient. Chocolates or an iTunes gift card would have been better. Maybe I made a misleading comment in the past to give the impression that grand gestures with an obscene amount of roses would melt my heart.
Unfortunately, not even the heat of the sun would melt the ice around my heart at this point. Noah may have given me lots of pretty and expensive things, but I would gladly give them all up if asked to. Instead, he wants to take the one thing that I want and hold close to me. The reasons behind my attachment to Landon don't really matter at this point. Before the kissing and out of control lust was support and understanding that I couldn't find anywhere else. It's not something you can buy or gift.
My front door opens and Noah punches in the alarm code with ease. I sip my coffee as he approaches me carefully. After his theatrical apology, he's been tiptoeing around me. I called him, furious, after finding someone had been in my home to leave the flowers. It's supposed to the one place I feel safe and some delivery man gets in without an issue.
"Darling," he greets me. "Good morning."
He looks handsome in his navy suit, ready for work in the corporate world. His golden hair is neat and his face is cleanly shaven. His smile is easy and carefree, but it doesn't comfort me like it usually does.
"Morning," I mumble back. I'm still not a morning person and I haven't had my coffee yet. Pretending isn't going to come easy yet.
"Have you thought about it?" he asks. After finding the ring, I told him I needed to think about it. A proposal is a big deal, but evidently not big enough for Noah to want to be present for it.
I nod and tell him, "I'm not ready to say yes yet."
The hurt that flickers on his face sinks my stomach. I hate doing this to him. Every thought has been about his question, but I can't say yes. I can't say no, either.
"You said yes before," he whispers. His eyes are pleading and I crumble inside. I rub my chest, trying to heal the hurt building up inside it. I remember his proposal from almost a year ago. The thrill and happiness I felt can't be mistaken.
"I know," I sigh. "That was when I remembered you and our relationship. You need to understand that I am starting over here."
Noah nods as he looks down at the floor. "Is this about Landon?"
Butterflies and nerves flutter in my belly. Hearing his name come from Noah's mouth sounds incredibly wrong.
"No." It's the truth. Landon or no Landon, I can't make myself love someone I barely know."
"If it helps you remember us, then continue to see him. I want you better. I want you back," Noah says.
I nod, unable to speak. There are no words in the English language I can give him that will fix everything. I'm a mess, and until I fix myself, I can't give myself to anyone. There's too much unknown and the fear and sadness I feel underneath it all won't go away. No matter how much comes back to me, I still don't have the full picture.
"Thank you," I whisper. I wish I felt better with his permission but I don't. He's relenting to make me change my mind about us. I doubt it has much do with anything more than that.
Noah smiles as his phone rings. Knowing he will take it, I leave the kitchen to get dressed. I'm off for the day, but I feel naked in my robe. It doesn't escape me that I was perfectly comfortable topless with Landon days before, but feel exposed fully covered in Noah's presence. There's still so much I don't know about the man I call my boyfriend.
I have yet to see his apartment and haven't met his parents either. If I'm starting over, these are things I would need to redo. I don't know any of his friends or any of the mutual friends we used to have. Everyone seems to have disappeared from my life when I need my friends the most.
I dress in a white summer dress and leave my hair down. When I come down the hall, I hear Noah's hushed voice on the phone. It's harsh and angry so I slow on my way back to the kitchen. I pause before turning the corner.
"No, I'm sure," he says. "I will be there."
He pauses and I hold my breath.
"No, she doesn't know anything." Another pause. "I'm positive and if she does, I will take care of it."
I hear him curse and I round the corner as he slips his phone back in his pocket. "Everything okay?" I ask.
"Of course," he says. "Just finishing up some arrangements for the property next door."
I nod and carefully watch his movements. What don't I know? The obvious answer is everything, but I doubt that was what Noah was referring to. He appears completely at ease and open, showing no signs he's hiding something but an uneasy feeling falls over me.
"Just think about us, baby," he pleads. "I've given you everything you've ever wanted or needed. Do you really want to throw that all away?"
I stare at him mutely. Even with the genuine and gentle look on his face, his words sound close to a threat. It's a reminder I have nothing without him. I remember enough to know he built me into the pretty, rich girl that I was before being beat over the head with a blunt object and left in the middle of nowhere to die.
"I'll call you later, babe," he says as he kisses me quickly on the cheek. I watch as he leaves, unable to shake off the tingling in the base of my spine.
I wait a solid ten minutes before I throw on flip-flops and grab my purse. I need out of this apartment. I need away from everything that was given to me in exchange for being the girl on Noah's arm. Every date I can recall feels like I was on display and pretending to fit into a world I didn't belong in. I can't think when I'm surrounded by reminders of all the things I will lose if I end things between us.
In the streets of downtown, the sounds drown out the thoughts in my head. One thought is plainly clear to me. I need to feel safe and ditch this lingering fear and paranoia. Checking the time, I decide on my destination and grab the nearest bus. It doesn't take long to get to Landon's apartment, but I was too impatient to walk. When I knock on the door, Aaron answers.
"Well, hello," he says with a grin. "How can I help you?"
"Is your brother here?" I ask almost frantically. Aaron hears the pitch in my voice and concern takes over the cocky smile.
"No. He's down at the gym. I'll take you," he offers.
I nod and follow him down the hall. He doesn't ask what's wrong or why I'm here, but I know he's caught up on my current situation. I have a feeling Aaron is the only person Landon can put up with and talks
to. He's also been snooping around in my computer for weeks now.
"You ever shoot guns back home?" he asks once we outside.
"No. Why?"
He shrugs and stops in front of a door next door. The place looks dark inside, but Aaron pulls out a key and unlocks the door.
"Just wondering about your search history. The place is closed, but the owner lets us in whenever," he explains.
He gestures inside and I go in. I wave and thank Aaron before wandering into the empty gym. There are weight benches, treadmills, and punching bags setup around a boxing ring in the center of the room. It's quiet and I don't see Landon anywhere. I tip-toe across the room, debating on going back to find Aaron, when I hear an echo across the room.
Landon steps out with only a towel wrapped around his waist. His hair is wet and water droplets slide down his bare chest. He's running his hands through his hair when he notices me. He stops mid-step in surprise. I'm frozen and taking in his perfect body. A firm and defined chest with a tight stomach. The muscles tighten in his arms as he reaches to secure the towel. I frown in disappointment.
"Willow, what are doing here?" he asks as he strides over to me.
"I needed to see you," I tell him. I finally drag my eyes off his wet body to look into his eyes. His own gaze is traveling over me and heat flares over my skin as if he were physically touching me.
Landon stops just inches in front of me and I reach out to put my hands on his chest. He flexes under my touch and his strength comforts me. My palms slide over his skin, feeling the grooves underneath. Even in an empty building with no one around to help me, I feel safe.
"Why?" he asks.
I look up into dark and intense eyes. Water drips from the tips of his hair, but he doesn't notice while he waits for my answer.
"Because you make me feel safe. You make me feel like me," I tell him.
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