The next morning the phone rings waking Billy up. Billy answers it.
“Are you ready for today?” Jack asks from the other end of the line.
“Hey, Jack.” Billy rubs his eyes, trying to wake up. “Yeah. Tia told me a lot of stuff, but I don’t know if I’m ready to ‘do’ Candy.”
Terror seizes Jack. “I looked it up. I don’t wanna do a Dirty Sanchez. Promise me I won’t have to do a Dirty Sanchez.”
“OK, OK. I’ll be ready.”
Billy hangs up the phone. He gets out of bed and goes to the bathroom to pee. Billy positions himself in front of the toilet, take out his pickle and pees. On the far side of Billy is the shower with the curtain partially open. As quietly as he can, Ferret leans out from behind the curtain. His eyes are fixed on Billy’s pickle.
Billy, still groggy, looks around the bathroom and sees Ferret staring at him. While still peeing, he turns and doesn’t notice the change of sound as his pee hits the floor. Being a shy pee-er, Billy’s stream stops.
Feeling he’s been caught, Ferret slowly looks up and finds Billy staring back at him. Not knowing how much Billy saw, he decides to pretend that Billy didn’t just catch him checking out his junk.
“Morning,” Ferret offers. “I was just wondering if you were planning on taking me to school with you today.”
“Pets aren’t allowed at school,” Billy replies.
“Oh, OK. Just checking.”
Ferret slowly leans back behind the curtain.
“Ah, what are you doing?” Billy asks.
“I’m taking a shower.”
“But I don’t hear any water running,” Billy asks confused.
A second goes by and then the shower turns on full force. Billy continues to stare.
In the hallway at school, Billy stands with Jack and Sandy. Jack is dressed normally, but Sandy is dressed as an accountant, and Billy is dressed as the performer Cher.
“I look stupid,” Billy protests.
“I think you look awesome!” Sandy says admiringly.
A group of 10-year-old kids walks by the boys wearing identical Marilyn Monroe wigs and white dresses. When the lead boy sees Billy, he turns to the boy next to him.
“He look’s ridiculous.”
“Yah, ridiculous,” the other agrees before the group continues on.
“See, even the Swedish exchange students think so. I’m goin’ home to change,” Billy decides.
Jack looks down the hall and sees Candy approaching. “It’s too late. Here she comes.”
Jack and Sandy walk off, and Candy stops at a distance in front of Billy.
“Hey, Candy,” Billy says, trying to appear confident.
“What are you wearing?” she asks with scorn.
“Oh, this?” Billy asks, losing his tight grip on his façade. “I just thought that I would pay tribute to one of the greatest singers who ever lived?”
“Who are you supposed to be, Cher? You’re such an idiot. That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. My god, you don’t know anything.”
Candy then moves inappropriately close to Billy and gives him a look that indicates that she has just fallen uncontrollably in love with him.
“Huh?” Billy replies, caught off guard.
Candy’s dad, Bruce, walks to the community center with Candy’s mom, Cream. Candy’s dad is dressed as Cher.
“Let’s make this quick, dear. I need to head to work.”
Candy’s parents take a seat. The auditorium is filled with all of the parents from Miller’s Grove, the neighborhood where the kids all live. In the front row are Sandy Grapes’ parents Steve and Pat. One row back are Molly Raspberry’s parents, Glen and Lady. Behind them are Jack Banana’s proud parents, Wendy and Sam. And Billy’s mom, Joyce, is behind the podium waiting for everyone to get settled.
“If everybody can settle, please, we can begin,” Joyce says into the mic.
The last few people sit, and Joyce throws on a big smile.
“Welcome everybody. Sorry for calling this neighborhood watch meeting at the last moment, but we have big news to share.” Joyce looks down at her notes. “First up on the agenda, we would like to congratulate Sam and Wendy. It turns out that their son Jack is the gay one. Where are you guys?
Sam and Wendy proudly stand up while the rest of the crowd applauds.
“He’s not out yet, but we’re close,” Wendy says with one fist held high in victory.
Numerous congratulations come from the crowd while Sandy Grape’s dad turns to his wife. “Why is it always someone else’s kid?” he says in disappointment.
“Next up, I would like to introduce you to Billy’s new pet. He brought it home from the woods and we couldn’t be happier.”
Sandy’s Dad sighs once again in disappointment over his son.
Ferret walks up to the podium and blankly looks into all of the excited faces staring back at him. After a moment of having nothing to say, he speaks.
“Did you know that all of your kids have been engaged in various sexual games that have resulted in at least three naked children and one inappropriate erection?”
The crowd looks at Ferret, stunned.
Jack’s mom turns to the mother next to her. “The erection was our son,” she says with restrained pride.
Not knowing what else to say, Billy’s mom leans into the mic. “Well, that’s good, right?” she says unsure. “We want our kids to grow up to be comfortable with their sexuality, right?”
“Yeah, right,” Molly Raspberry’s dad replies.
Unsure “yeahs” come from the crowd until Molly’s mom, Lady, speaks. She is also unsure.
“Or maybe we want them to be kids as long as they can be. Because, after all, there’s plenty of time for that other stuff, right?”
More confident “yeahs” come from the crowd.
Joyce speaks up again saying, “But even if we wanted to, there’s nothing that we could do to stop it... right?”
In the silence, Ferret speaks up, “Did you know that there is a procedure called the Michael Jackson?”
“Oh, the Michael Jackson,” Molly’s dad says. “Sure, I’ve heard of that. But that’s a little extreme... isn’t it?”
“But would we be good parents if we didn’t give them the opportunity to be kids as long as they could be?” his wife replies.
Seizing the opportunity, Sandy Grape’s dad jumps in. “And Michael Jackson did go on to win multiple Grammy awards and sell millions of records.”
More “yeahs” come from the crowd.
“You make good points,” Joyce responds. “Let’s put it to a vote. All those in favor of implementing the Michael Jackson on all of our kids, say ‘aye.’”
The crowd unanimously votes, “Aye.” Joyce smiles.
“Then we’re agreed. Does anyone know where we can find the necessary Michael Jackson device?”
Ferret clears his throat and everyone looks at him.
*****
Chapter 6
Everybody vs The Ferret 1: Give Me Your Pickle Page 4
