Page 3
The cons? Every day that I allow this pattern to occur, I’m only reiterating to Matt that this relationship—or lack thereof—is acceptable. I am giving him no reason to want more with me, because frankly… he’s getting everything he desires.
I have to ask myself, What do you really want, Mac?
Figure it out and go get it. And if you can’t get it, cut ties and run.
So with a burst of renewed spirit to take the bull—which is Matt—by the horns, I open the door and say, “We need to talk. ”
There’s no panic this time, just a self-assured confidence as he steps through my doorway. He sticks the tips of his fingers into the waistband of my shorts, giving me a small jerk to make my body press up against his. He inclines his head and whispers against my neck, just after he flicks his tongue out. “Talk later… I want you too much right now. ”
My knees turn to jelly just from that small touch, but he doesn’t have me completely under his thrall just yet. I give myself a mental shake of the head and push back from him.
“No. Talk now. Sex later. ” I give him my most-determined look.
He appraises me, and then his lips curl upward in a challenging way. “I tell you what. If you can carry on a rational conversation with me for just thirty seconds while I try to seduce you, I’ll give you my undivided attention for the next two hours. You can talk until you’re blue in the face. Deal?”
Hmmmm. Could I keep my head on straight for thirty seconds? For the opportunity to get two hours of talk time with Matt? I’m practically drooling over the prospect of having his attention for that long.
“Deal,” I say emphatically, confident I have this in the bag. How hard could thirty seconds be?
Matt lunges at me, and I don’t even have time to prepare. In fact, his sudden move shocks me so greatly that all of my thoughts scatter to the wind. Within the first five seconds, he picks me up, tosses me on the couch, and pulls my shorts and underwear off. His hands are quick and assured when he drops to his knees in front of me and spreads my legs.
He gives me one look… filled with challenge. “Come on, Mac… you have about twenty seconds left to carry on a conversation. Let’s make it easy. Tell me about your favorite movie. ”
Then Matt dives his mouth between my legs. He goes straight for the main attraction, clamping his lips on me tight and sucking hard. My h*ps buck up so violently that I almost throw him off, but his hands grip me tighter and he doesn’t let go. This is an all-out attack by Matt, and he is utterly merciless.
I’m experiencing the most intensely erotic thing he’s ever done to me so far. I know I’m supposed to be talking about something, but for the life of me, I can’t remember what it is. I can only think of his tongue, his fingers, his lips… and the way the stubble on his cheeks rubs the insides of my thighs because my legs are practically clamped onto his head.
I can’t think… I can only feel, and I start to think… maybe this is best. Maybe I should only feel with Matt and quit trying to out think our relationship.
I fail miserably at my task. I am doomed. I can’t even say one intelligent word while Matt feasts, causing electric pleasure to explode within me.
Still floating among the stars from my orgasm, I’m vaguely aware of Matt pulling me up, walking me around the other side of the couch, and bending me over it. I can hear the pop of his button and the zip of his pants coming undone, and then he’s plunging into me while I hang practically upside down.
It’s wildly intense what he’s doing to me, and he manages to bring me to another quick orgasm before he’s shooting into me while he groans, “Mac… Mac… Mac…”
When my heart rate returns to normal, when Matt lets me up off the couch… when I manage to get my legs underneath of me to stop shaking, I practically cry with frustration. “I can’t do this anymore, Matt. ”
He grins at me.
Yes, the son of a bitch grins at me and says, “Yes, you can. Want me to prove it to you right now?”
“No,” I say firmly. “I’m tired of being controlled by you sexually. I’m tired of this… this… I don’t even know what this is, but I’m tired of it. ”
Matt doesn’t believe me, and he still wears that cocky smile as he steps forward and reaches out to me. His fingers are just inches away, when fury rolls up inside of me.
“No!” I yell, but then I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. I look him dead in the eyes and say more calmly, “No. I need you to leave. ”
Matt stares at me for a few minutes, and the smile never leaves his face. He still doesn’t believe me. I can see an almost-indulgent look in his eyes as he zips himself up and heads toward my door. He doesn’t even look back at me as he walks out, saying, “You’ll never be able to give this up, Mac. Not for long anyway. ”
“That has to be the most pitiful display of happiness that I’ve ever seen,” Cal says as he glances at the menu. We decided to meet up at a Greek restaurant today. I had high hopes I could lamb kabob my way out of despair, because yes… they are that damn delicious.
My gloom-and-doom attitude has apparently taken over every facet of my personality. I thought I had on a bright smile when I responded to Cal’s question of, “How have you been doing?”
I told him I was fine, even though I knew my smile wasn’t really all that convincing.
“Spill it,” was all he says as he puts the menu aside.
Taking a deep breath, I bare my soul to him. I tell him that I still go to bed every night with a deep hole in my heart now that my mom is gone. I lament that I’m in a job where I feel completely in over my head. And most importantly, I tell him about Matt.
I don’t get into the nitty-gritty details of our sexually depraved lifestyle, but I do tell him that I’m just not cut out for a sex-only relationship.
Cal actually winces when I say that, and I flush with embarrassment.
“I’m sorry,” I say quickly. “I probably shouldn’t talk about sex with you. Especially not sex with Matt. ”
Cal’s eyes smile at me… truly smile at me. “It’s okay, Mac. You need someone to vent to, and remember… I know Matt way better than you do. ”
Our waiter chooses that moment to interrupt my whining, and we place our orders. I double up on the lamb kabobs, telling myself it doesn’t matter if I get a fat ass. It’s not like Matt will be looking at it anymore.
Once the waiter leaves, I let out a heavy sigh. “Why am I such a girl? I mean… why can’t I just accept great sex? My roommate Macy lives her life that way, and she’s one of the happiest people I know. ”
It’s with great wisdom that Cal says, “McKayla… I’m betting Macy isn’t as happy as you think she is. As humans, we are wired to need social interaction and intimacy. Most people are happiest in a relationship. I know I am, and I can’t wait to be in one again. ”
Now I wince, because I’m not sure if that’s a pointed reminder that Cal had perhaps looked at me in that light. “I’m sorry,” I say again. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. ”
Chuckling, Cal reaches across the table and pats my hand. “You didn’t hurt me, Mac. Honestly… we didn’t know each other all that well when I realized you had it bad for someone else. I’m just making a general comment that I’m a man, and I want a relationship. I’m ready to settle down. Some men do want that type of thing. ”
“So, you think what I did… breaking things off with Matt, was the right thing?”
“I think if you were unhappy with the way things were, then yes, it was the right thing. You can’t wait for him to change because frankly… I don’t think Matt wants to change. ”
This is what I don’t get. I saw a glimmer of true caring and openness in Matt when he came to Nashville. He has the ability… hell, he’s a f**king natural at taking care of people. Why doesn’t he open himself fully to it?
“It’s because he was hurt so badly. ” Cal’s voice cuts into my thoughts.
I l
ook at him in surprise. “What are you? A freaking mind reader?”
“I just know that look. It looks like you’re trying to solve a great mystery, and the greatest mystery in your life right now is Matt. ”
“How badly was he hurt?” I ask softly, not really wanting to know the answer, because I’m afraid it will soften my resolve to stay away from him.
Cal is so very sad when he says, “I damaged him badly. It’s my greatest shame. But Marissa, his ex-wife, what she did to him… I think that was the destroying factor. I was not the first person she cheated on him with. In fact, I was the last. Matt had a private investigator following her for weeks before I ever slept with her. He protects himself now. I guarantee you Matt thinks it’s better to be alone than to open himself up to hurt again. ”
We chat a little bit more about Matt, but then our food arrives and we move on to other, more amiable things to discuss. We finish with a promise of getting together the following week, and I find myself looking forward to it. Cal has become a very good friend to me.
Back at the office, I struggle with the Jackson case. The other side has served me with Interrogatories… a long list of questions about the case that I have thirty days to answer. My palms get moist as I look them over, and I seriously start to question my sanity in taking this case. Hell, I seriously question my sanity in wanting to be a lawyer sometimes.
At the end of the day, I start getting more melancholy. It’s getting to be that time that Matt normally stops by my office and asks me what I want to eat. It fuels the anticipation that, within a few hours, I’ll be wrapped up in his strong arms.
I won’t be getting that today. After asking Matt to leave last night, I am in no way surprised when seven PM rolls around, and there is no sign of him.
But this is for the best, I remind myself.
This is what I wanted.
I don’t f**king believe it.
I go a solid week without seeing or hearing a peep from Matt. The first few days, I would sometimes stare longingly at my office door, hoping he’d come through it and tell me that he saw the error of his ways. But then I started to settle in to my new life without Matt Fucking Connover in it.
Even when I had some questions on the Jackson case, I was able to pick a few of my colleague’s brains and save myself from having to deal with Matt at all.
But this morning, he walks into my office at eight AM and hands me a folder. He tells me that I’m going to argue a Motion to Compel for him in court and that I have thirty minutes to get ready for it. He tells me this is in a calm voice… no menace and no anger, so I don’t think he is doing it to punish me. In fact, he assures me that this is a slam-dunk motion. He points me to the actual rule on civil procedure that will, in fact, win the motion for me, as long as I argue it properly, and tells me that he will be by my side if I run into any trouble.
Then he walks out of my office after telling me to be ready to go in half an hour.
I then commence to have a full-blown freak out. I think I even start hyperventilating. Handing in my resignation is the only way out of this, and that scenario is looking pretty damn good.
But then… after about five minutes of spazzing out, I remember that Matt said this was a slam-dunk motion, and he wouldn’t have given me something I couldn’t handle. So I log on to our legal library, pull the rule up, and read it. I print it and read it a second time. It looks pretty straightforward, but I still manage to memorize it in my allotted time frame.
Now, here we sit in front of the Honorable Jericho H. Stanback, a kindly looking judge with snowy white hair and wire-framed glasses, and my armpits are pouring sweat. I feel a little light-headed actually, and try to take a deep, calming breath.
Mitigation Page 3
