There are many sexualities people can define themselves as. Pansexual as loving and being in a relationship with more genders. Demisexual as being a person who has strong emotional connections with someone in which then there follows a sexual attraction because of it. Then there is queer, an all encompassing umbrella for people’s sexualities and how they identify. But the ones I am most familiar with is being lesbian or being gay.
But it is a privilege to live in a country where LGBTQ+ rights are not harshly discriminated against. In some countries, liking the same gender can get one persecuted or even jail time. It is in these moments that having that type of privilege makes me aware of the place I am living in but also the struggles others fight just to live out that part of themselves. But just because this country does not have harsh laws against LGBTQ+ people, does not mean discrimination does not still happen. People still get persecuted for who they love, trans people get murdered for changing their identity and some even get denied marriage services. It is all still a visible reminder of what could happen.
* * *
I was always in the room after a long day at work. May and Jenny usually stayed in the living room to watch Bones, their ritual every evening. As they begin to talk about their day, I overheard them talking about sexuality. My ears perked up.
“I guess you can never tell what someone’s sexuality is unless you ask.” Jenny quips.
“Well, I do not know her sexuality. I looked on Facebook to see and I get bisexual vibes.”
Who were they talking about? Was it me? Was it someone at work? I decided to tune it out eventually because I was half beet red from insinuating it was me to wondering what other clues they were going to give to see who it was. But whoever it was, they were already Facebook friends.
Seven
The Second Person I Told
Grandmother, it was important to me that you knew that I was a lesbian.
You may not have been the first, but you were just as important in knowing and being a part of this process of coming out.
* * *
I called on a Friday. Maybe the last day of the week won’t seem so bad as everyone is winding down from a hectic work week. You answered the phone, having just finished another customer in your beauty shop before retiring for the day.
“Grandmother” I say. “I have something to tell you. “
“Okay. What is it?”
With my heart beating as fast as a drum, I spurt out, “I like this woman and I am a lesbian. “
Silence. Felt like eternity even though it was five seconds.
“Okay. Let me take some time to process this. How long have you been feeling this way?”
I tell you for awhile. But truth be told I have always been this way since I was a kid. It just happened to come all at once and seemingly all of a sudden when I met this woman.
“I still love you. ” You say.
And with that I shed a tear. Knowing that I had your support means the world to me.
It won’t be until years down the line that me liking a women settles, but in that moment hearing you say “I still love you” was icing on a chaotic cake.
Eight
Thank You For Understanding Grandmother
Even if you do not agree, thank you for understanding.
It must have been difficult for you to deal with hearing the news of my sexuality , but I am sorry you had to know by a phone call instead of in person.
Thank you for instilling values in me.
It is much appreciated.
Thank you for instilling in me wise decisions.
Grandmother, thank you for being there and here to listen to what has been going on with me.
It is great to know that you are one of the people I can talk too.
Grandmother, it must have been difficult to hear the news, let alone take it all in over the phone. But I am happy that you listened and told me about wise choices.
Thank you for letting me know that you still love me at the end of the day.
Thank you for saying to me to be myself.
You are a great person! I am grateful for and to you for taking the time to understand my feelings about my sexuality.
I just hope when I see you in person, that you will still look at me like you use too
I love you too, Grandmother.
Nine
Not Knowing the Person Will Reciprocate
In a relationship there are ebbs and flows. It could be in personality, a lifestyle or both.
But already being near you for at least two months now has shown both personality and lifestyle differences.
You are outgoing, love getting to know people. I am more reserved and it takes me a minute to warm up.
You love to read in the living room and cook food. I love to order in and stay in my room.
But there is always an ebb and flow in a romantic relationship.
And I wondered if I read the wrong signals or that your stares meant something more. At the time, I was pretty rigid, scared of letting people in. You were more open to the experience overall and looked at the positives.
Our relationship ebbed and flowed by being opposite.
And I am always worried if I was reciprocating in the right way. And if you picked up on it.
* * *
“Thank you for the note. It made my day.” The messenger beeped on the computer at work and I see that the message was coming from May. Yulonda, May, and I communicated through the messenger provided on the computer. It was just one of the ways to communicate how I was going to get a car ride home that day or any other important changes.
“I’m glad you liked it. :)” I wrote back. It made me happy that she was happy. It made the day just a little brighter and less stressed out. But as the day wore on I realized, I felt uncertain about how I was going to get home. Then I started to feel bad about asking May if she would take me home because I was unsure if Yulonda was unavailable or not. It felt like bad timing.
Later on I rode with Yulonda as seeing she was available that day.
Ten
Just A Crush Or A Full Blown Relationship
I never felt this way about someone. You are the first person I can see myself being happy with. You make my heart flutter and I get a good nervous feeling being beside you.
I tend to keep eye contact just a little bit longer with you and I get excited when you are safe at home. I laugh just a little bit louder at the jokes you tell, hoping that you pick up that I like you.
But is this just a crush or is this turning into something more? If it is something more than that is a good thing. That means there is something between us. If it is a crush, than the feelings would be kept to myself. But I never felt this way about someone before.
* * *
“There is not a love triangle.” May said one day as we were sitting in the room together.
I could not process it. I did not ask why it was said. But I knew full well why it was said and could not ask out loud. At the time it was two months into the program, almost the middle of July. At that point, we all have settled into knowing each other, well at least knowing each other’s living habits and personalities. And I could not help but have a sigh of relief that there was nothing going on between Yulonda and May. It was an insecurity I had because deep down I was still unsure of the relationship between May and myself.
Eleven
Showing That I Care
I may not talk much, but talking is not the only way to care.
I may leave little notes,ask you about your day, or make you coffee in the morning just the way you like it.
It’s always in the small things that I am showing that I care. There does not have to be a big grand gesture, just a way for you to learn that you are special to me.
And you are special to me because of remembering your small details as well.
How you do not like your coffee too sweet because it gives you a headache or that you like to bake mostly, even though you are a fairly good cook.
How you like watching CSI shows and The Hobbit because there is mystery and magic in both.
How you know music like the back of your hand and how it does not take you long to learn a lyric or two.
These are just some of the ways I am showing you I care by remembering small things about you. Showing you that I care by writing cheerful notes and placing them on your dresser first thing in the morning.
I may not talk much, but talking is not the only way to care.
* * *
May had another hectic work week stuffed with analyzing languages and going to meetings.
This was on a Friday night and we were just going to bed, and she turned off her light to go to sleep. I kept my light on and pulled out the color pencils. Right then and there, I decided to make her a card and write her a personal letter of wishing her well into the next week and putting pictures of coffee and a smiley face.
Once the note was finished, I placed it on her dresser so it was the first thing she sees in the morning. That Saturday morning, I headed out the door to grab some donuts to eat and walk to the grocery store that was not far from the apartment. Once I had gotten back, she was on the phone with a friend talking about the note. I caught the latter end of the conversation, but when she turned around, she was very excited. You could see her eyes beaming as she set the note down.
But when she had gotten around Jenny, that is when things changed.
“Did she change?”
May shakes her head no.
“Than leave her alone”
To say the least I was crushed when they had that conversation right outside the bedroom door. I was trying to show May I liked her the best way I could. I already was not a very open person to begin with. I found comfort in writing and trying to show May I liked her in that way, than to just blurt out and say it. Maybe I was doing this backwards? Maybe I was supposed to tell May first and then provide all the notes later.
Twelve
Accepting My Own Sexuality
It may take me awhile to accept my own sexuality. But everyday it feels like the biggest thing to me. I question if God could see me clear as day now. A bright red bulls-eye across my heart, and His Word being the dagger.
I questioned how could I like other women. That what made my sexuality so special to me was that there was clarity in seeing who I really was for the first time. Maybe I have always liked women but could not find the words to describe the feeling. That maybe accepting my own sexuality was the key to unlocking my true self.
My feelings for May were tried and true. No one could tell me I was not in love with her. But I was always worried because her and Yulonda had a lot of similarities in hobbies, like reading. Yulonda was a pretty cool person. She was an avid swimmer. She happened to be around the same age as me, just about to graduate college. She was very smart.
So along with loving someone and realizing that I am a lesbian, I found myself insecure in my relationship with May. If that is not a cocktail for disaster, I do not know what is.
* * *
“Hey, God. It’s Christine again. Please forgive my sins.” I said in a quick whisper while lying in bed.
“I am coming to You today about my job. I made some hiccups today and it is only been the fifth day of work. I had seen a list of possible allies that supported LGBTQ+ people. It’s nice to see that there are people who feel the same way I do going to work in a place so essential and intense. I just wish they had LGBTQ+ functions like they have the social functions for us interns to join and meet other interns. It would be awesome to talk with someone who could identify how I am feeling and juggling the job at the same time. I have to go now. But, thanks for listening.”
Thirteen
Background: Seeking Solace and Praying
At this point in the relationship, I was praying to God to help me calm down, help me steady my feelings and not get so carried away in my feelings. I thought about her a lot. She likes to spend time with people and so far we have been spending time with each other. It moved past how her day was and it settled.
I sought solace in praying. That God still understood this kind of love even though it was different. That He did not smite me for loving another woman. I had always prayed to God when going through a hard time and this was no different.
He was my best friend and still is. I would pray to Him about a good day or what went on in my day. It provided some sort of relief to have a Higher Power knowing everything about you, still love, and yet not judge you for what actions you may have committed that day.
* * *
Sunday rolled around and it was just another weekend spent inside the apartment. But in some cases all of the roommates would be gone from the apartment and I would be left by myself. Normally, when this happens, I take time to pray to God instead of writing my prayers in a notebook. This day offered that opportunity and I sat on my bed, closed my notebook, and begin to pray.
“God, I like this woman and I do not know what to do.” I started, only half whispering and half checking the door for when anyone showed up.
“I have feelings for her. But am uncertain how to be blunt in liking her. I find her staring at me sometimes or just wanting me to be more open and not so cold. But silence to me is me not being cold, just the way I am. So how do I warm up in the way that she will understand?”
I could not pray for long because all of the roommates would be back soon. It just so happens that weekend Yulonda went to see her parents and May and Jenny went to go looking for metro train tickets. May and Jenny were gone for only about thirty minutes because getting metro train tickets did not work out.
That day I spent gnawing at my insides for answers from Him and wanting to know how to approach being more open.
Fourteen
God and Christine
There was once a little girl who was lost and afraid.
God found her one day and saved her.
Their relationship was awesome.
They grew closer and it was good.
He forgave so many sins and loved her anyway.
He knew her for who she was before she even knew herself.
He looked at her with passion and said “This is good.”
Whatever sin was committed, He forgave.
Throughout their relationship, she learned how to be a friend, forgive and trust.
It may not have been perfect, but they worked out the troubles together.
He understood her, even through the silliest moments.
He understood her, more than anything.
She had to learn to trust Him, had to learn to count on Him, especially through the difficult times
She lost her way, but God never forgot her.
He placed her on her way, and kept her.
God never left her.
Fifteen
How Do You Show Love?
This writing comes from July 2015.
* * *
God, how do you show love?
I remember the things said on Friday.
It has gotten me thinking that even though the words said that day is someone else’s opinion of me, there is still something I can learn from being called these words.
Being called
Oblivious
Arrogant heart
Cold
Not budging
Makes a person sad
So how do I not be these things?
I want to be a person who is content within themselves, growing, learning, and loving.
Maybe this is a way I have to learn.
Maybe this is the time where I have to grow and learn.
So how do I learn to not be these things?
Sixteen
Today I Failed At Loving You
This writing comes from July 2015.
* * *
Today I failed at loving you.
Probably could have given you more attention.
Or could have shown I liked you more.
But it gets confusing, knowi
ng right from wrong or when to let you in.
But I am learning.
Maybe it is wrong to like you and to be around you.
But for me that is okay.
To think about you is okay.
I am just afraid what acting on how I feel about you would do to us.
Or how I feel about you would do for the other things going on, like having trouble fitting in to cultural differences.
But it is okay to think about you because at least thinking about you happens in my head, where my heart is not on my sleeve.
The First Feelings of Love Page 2
