Dad gave me a shaky smile.
Beth returned to the room, holding a whimpering, sleepy Archie against her shoulder. ‘Has stubborn dad accepted stubborn son’s help?’ she challenged.
I raised my eyebrows in Dad’s direction and he sighed. ‘Okay. Yes, if you’re sure you don’t mind. But don’t get your hopes up, either of you.’
Archie reached out his arms towards Dad who took him from Beth, held him close and kissed his messy hair.
‘Thank you, Josh,’ Beth said. ‘I can’t tell you how grateful I am.’ She pressed against Dad’s side and kissed his cheek and suddenly the scene of family devotion was too much for me.
‘I’d better head back home,’ I said.
Beth frowned. ‘But you’ve only just got here.’
‘I know but Sammie needs help with the hoglets and you’ve got Archie to see to.’
Dad passed Archie back to Beth. ‘I’ll walk you to your car.’
‘There’s no need.’
‘I want to.’
We walked down the two flights in uncomfortable silence. Every footstep and every breath echoed off the grubby walls. Why had he been so insistent on accompanying me to the car? Possibilities raced through my mind. Was he going to tell me he’d been lying on his voicemail and he didn’t really want me back in his life? Was he going to tell me that the cancer was terminal and he hadn’t told Beth the truth? My heart thumped and my stomach churned in anticipation.
‘How’s your mum?’ Dad asked as soon as we stepped outside the building.
I stopped, a little astonished that it was the first thing he’d asked. ‘She’s doing well. She told me to pass on her best wishes to you both.’
It was Dad’s turn to look astonished. ‘She actually said that?’
I nodded. ‘She’s in a really good place right now. She asked if you want to meet up for a coffee at some point. She’s keen for you both to get closure.’
Dad stared at me open-mouthed for a moment or two then seemed to gather himself together. ‘That would be amazing. I’d really like that. Tell her yes.’
We set off walking.
‘And what about you?’ Dad asked. ‘Are you in a good place?’
I chose my words carefully. ‘It hasn’t been easy but I’m getting there.’
Silence fell once more.
‘This is me.’ I jangled my car keys.
‘I’m sorry for my reaction at the hospital.’ Dad thrust his hands into his pockets. ‘I was bang out of order.’
‘Yeah, well, the first time we saw each other was never going to be easy after what happened. I gave as good as I got.’ I couldn’t bring myself to apologise in return because I’d meant what I said.
He nodded. ‘I know. Where do we go from here?’
His expression was so hopeful but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t pretend that him being ill obliterated all the hurt because it didn’t.
‘I don’t know.’ I shrugged. ‘I’m still pissed off with you.’
He flinched. ‘So why did you come tonight?’
‘Because it’s the right thing to do.’ The words spilled out without any thought and, even though the pain in his eyes made me wince, he needed to know that the impact of his actions had been deep and lasting.
‘You know what, son. If I could turn back the clock, I’d still choose Beth, but I’d have been honest about that choice right from the start. We’re not time-travellers, though, and life’s about learning to live with the decisions we make and the impact of those decisions. Beth and I both know that the things we did were unforgiveable and that’s why I begged her not to tell you I was ill. When the truth first came out, all I could think about was how I could rebuild a relationship with you. I knew it would need time but then I got this diagnosis and I vowed that, when I was better, I’d make it happen. But I didn’t get better and I was stuck. If we were to patch things up, it had to be because you were ready, not because you’d discovered I had cancer and felt some sense of duty to give it a go. That’s why I begged Beth not to tell you.’ He sighed and shook his head. ‘It was great to see you tonight and to have a conversation. Yes, it was awkward and stilted and uncomfortable but it wasn’t raised voices and insults. I’m thrilled you’ve found someone special and that the practice is thriving. You deserve those things. You don’t deserve what I did to you and I don’t deserve your forgiveness for it so let’s say goodbye and forget about the stem cell test. It’s a long shot anyway.’ His voice cracked and tears glistened in his eyes. ‘Send my love to your mum and tell her… tell her to be happy.’
He turned and walked away.
I should have shouted. I should have run after him. But my feet wouldn’t work and my voice caught in my throat. Why couldn’t I let go? My dad had cancer. He could be dying. Yet I was still clinging on to all my anger and hate. Why?
36
Samantha
When he’d returned from Wilbersgate last night, Josh had been in a dark mood. He’d eagerly accepted my hug but was adamant he wasn’t ready to talk about it so I didn’t push. I figured he’d process things overnight and then he’d let me in.
Sure enough, when he arrived home from work tonight, he strode purposely down the barn, hugged me tightly and suggested we take drinks to Thomas’s bench so he could tell me what had happened.
‘I’ve got you a gift to say sorry for being a grump.’
‘You weren’t a grump. You just had a lot to process.’
‘Thank you, but I know I was a grump.’
He handed me a gift bag and I smiled at the collection of four hedgehog mugs inside.
‘They’re not the same as the one that got broken but I thought you’d like them.’
‘They’re gorgeous. Thank you. I’m going to need to make my tea in one of these.’
We’d no sooner sat down with drinks in my new mugs than Misty-Blue launched herself at the bench then clambered onto my shoulder.
Josh ran his fingers through his hair and shook his head. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t tell you everything last night. I wanted to but I couldn’t bring myself to say it.’
‘Why? What was stopping you?’
‘I messed it up.’ His shoulders slumped. ‘I hate myself and I didn’t want you to hate me too. I couldn’t bear to lose you.’
He looked so defeated and I gave his arm a gentle squeeze. ‘You’re not going to lose me,’ I said keeping my tone calm and reassuring. ‘It’s pretty obvious things didn’t go well but you’re not going to turn me against you for telling me what happened, no matter how badly behaved you think you might have been.’
I listened intently as he ran through the evening. It hurt to see how much he was beating himself up about what he’d said in the car park and how badly it had ended.
‘Have you called him today?’ I asked.
‘I’ve tried a couple of times but he hasn’t answered. I’ve tried Beth too but she’s not answering her phone either. I haven’t left voicemails. I don’t want to apologise to a machine.’
‘But you do want to apologise?’
He nodded. ‘It’s funny that he talked about turning back time because I’d love to do that and change everything about last night.’
‘If you could do it again, what would you say to your dad?’
‘I’d ask him how he is. I didn’t even do that. I’d ask if he was in pain or if he needed anything. And I wouldn’t tell him I’d visited because it was the right thing to do.’
‘So why did you visit?’
‘Because he’s ill.’
‘That doesn’t sound much better than what you actually said.’
Josh sighed. ‘Because he’s my dad.’
I wrinkled my nose. ‘Getting warmer. Try again.’
‘Because I was worried about him.’
‘Ooh, that’s a much better lukewarm sentiment. Come on, Josh, you can do better than that. I know the real reason and I know you know it too and I think you need to acknowledge it out loud. Why did you visit your dad?’
&n
bsp; ‘Because I don’t want him to die,’ he cried.
‘Because…?’
‘Because I still care about him.’
I raised my eyebrows, determined he’d admit it.
‘Okay. You’ve got me. I still love him and I miss him being in my life.’
I didn’t say anything; I just held him.
Josh released a long, slow breath as he pulled away. ‘If you get bored of the hedgehogs, you could have a great career as a lawyer or in the police. That was one heck of an interrogation.’
‘Sorry for pushing but—’
‘No, you were right to push. I guess it’s true what they say about love and hate being close together.’
‘They certainly are.’ Look at me and my mum. Oh, except I love her and she hates me. ‘What now?’
‘I’ll keep trying to call.’
‘I’ve got a better suggestion. Why don’t you go there after work tomorrow and say what you’ve just said to me? I can come with you if you like. Dad’s already scheduled to have the hoglets. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind seeing to the adults too. What do you think?’
‘I think I should probably have taken you last night. Then I might not be in this mess.’
37
Josh
My stomach churned with nerves as I pulled my jeep into the car park behind Juniper House. The rain battered against the windscreen.
‘We’ll have to make a run for it and hope they’re in,’ I said.
Sammie pulled the hood up on her jacket but I didn’t have one with me and shivered as the cold rain trickled down my neck.
I was about to press the intercom when the door opened outwards and a couple of teenaged kids sprinted out of the building, rudely shoving past us. I grabbed the door and we stepped into the lobby, shaking the rain off our arms.
‘That was lucky,’ Sammie said.
I looked up the stairs. ‘It’s the top floor. Stairs only.’
‘How does Beth manage with the buggy?’ she asked as we reached the first floor.
‘I never thought about that.’ Guilt stabbed me again for refusing to let them have Alder Lea.
We continued up to the top floor and stopped outside number twenty-two.
‘You can do it,’ Sammie whispered when I hesitated.
I rapped on the door and waited. Silence. I gave it twenty seconds and rapped again even louder. Nothing. ‘They must have gone out.’
‘Try ringing them.’
I tried Dad’s phone, then Beth’s, but both tripped straight to voicemail. I knocked again. Moments later, a young woman holding a screaming baby to her hip poked her head out of number twenty-three.
‘Will you quit banging on that bloody door? You woke our Courtney up.’
‘Sorry,’ I said. ‘I was trying to get hold of my… erm… Paul.’
‘You could wake the dead with that racket. Ain’t it obvious there’s no bugger in?’
‘You don’t know where they might be, do you?’
‘What do you think I am? Their bloody social secretary?’
‘No, it’s just that I—’
‘Jesus! The racket from the ambulance was bad enough and now you’re giving me earache,’ she snapped.
My stomach lurched. ‘Ambulance?’
‘Are you dense or summat? Ain’t that what I just said? He’s gone to hospital, if you must know. Now sod off and bother someone else.’
‘Which hospital?’
‘Hull.’ With a curl of her lip, she slammed the door shut making baby Courtney screech even louder.
I raced down the stairs and out into the rain. When I made it to the jeep, I beat my fists on the roof then sank down onto my haunches, fighting the rising nausea. Too late!
Sammie caught up with me, crouched down and gripped my head between her hands. ‘We don’t know that it’s cancer-related,’ she said. ‘Don’t assume the worst. You need to stay strong. Come on.’
She pulled me to my feet and thrust her hand out. ‘I’m driving.’
I handed over the keys without debate. My arms and legs felt like jelly and I wasn’t sure I’d be safe behind the wheel.
The journey through to Hull Royal Infirmary was agonising, the traffic being stop-start all the way because of flooded roads.
I kept trying Beth’s phone. No luck. ‘I should probably call Mum.’
‘And tell her what? Why don’t you wait until we get to the hospital and know more? The last thing you want is your mum racing to Hull in this horrific weather only to find that it’s nothing to do with the cancer and your dad’s stubbed and broken his toe.’
I nodded. She was right. I needed to stop speculating. Although who was to say their neighbour’s information was reliable. Talk about hostile. In fact, hospital could even be a wild goose chase although my gut told me it wasn’t.
‘I’m looking for my dad, Paul Alderson,’ I said to the receptionist. ‘I’ve been told he came here by ambulance but I don’t know when or why.’
The man gave me a gentle smile and tapped at his keyboard. ‘I’ll just check for you. Paul Alderson, you say?’
‘Yes. Paul Patrick Alderson.’
He shook his head. ‘I’m sorry. We’ve got nobody of that name registered here.’
‘What about Archie Alderson?’ Sammie asked. I looked at her frowning and she shrugged. ‘Worth a try.’
‘And Archie is…?’
‘My brother,’ I said, the words feeling alien on my lips.
‘No. No Archie either.’
There was only one more person to try and I was going to have to tell a whopper of a lie to get the information from him. ‘My mum? Beth Giddings?’
‘Giddings.’
‘Archie Giddings or Beth Giddings?’ Sammie asked.
‘Yes! Maternity has a Bethany-Jade Giddings.’
‘The baby.’ I pressed my hand to my mouth. ‘She’s early.’ The relief I felt that it hadn’t been Dad whisked away in an ambulance was swiftly replaced by worry for my baby half-sister.
We thanked the receptionist and Sammie slipped her hand in mine as we left the reception and hurried towards the separate Women and Children’s Hospital.
‘Remember what I said about not assuming the worst,’ Sammie said as we dodged a large puddle.
To the left of the covered entrance, a man was resting his back against the wall, holding his head in his hands. Broken. My breath caught as I grabbed Sammie’s arm and pulled her towards him. ‘Dad?’
He looked up. He seemed to have aged in two days, his face grey and his eyes bloodshot. He squinted as though not convinced I was really there. ‘Josh?’
‘Is it the baby?’
Dad rubbed his eyes. ‘And Beth. She had a fall. She’s in surgery. It’s not good. Oh my God, Josh, I could lose them both.’ His voice cracked as he spoke and the last few words were barely audible.
I held out my arms to him – not because it was the right thing to do this time, but because I wanted to. There was no more anger. All I could feel was love and compassion for the man who was battling for his life himself and terrified that he might lose his girlfriend and unborn baby.
Dad clung onto me, his body shaking.
Several minutes later, with a deep intake of air, he stepped back and nodded at me. He didn’t need to speak. I knew he was grateful I was there. He glanced towards Sammie.
‘This is my girlfriend, Sammie,’ I said. ‘And my dad, Paul.’
He hesitated, as though he wasn’t sure whether to just say ‘hello’, shake her hand or give her a hug. She took the decision out of his hands by putting her arms round him. ‘It’s good to meet you. I’m sorry about the circumstances.’
‘Thank you. And you.’ He sighed. ‘I’d better go back in and see if there’s any update. Can you both stay?’
I nodded. ‘As long as you need us. Where’s Archie?’
‘In the hospital. He’s asleep. One of the nurses said she’d mind him for five minutes while I got some air.’
We followed Dad into the b
uilding and into a waiting room where a nurse handed over the changing bag and Archie in his carrier. His eyes started to flicker open and Dad looked at the nurse in panic. ‘I don’t know if I’ve got any food. It was all such a rush.’
‘Let me check.’ I took the changing bag from him and searched through the various compartments. I found a bottle of juice but no sign of food.
‘We’ve got some formula but no food here,’ the nurse said apologetically. ‘There’s a shop in the main building. It’ll still be open.’
‘I’ll go,’ Sammie offered. ‘What does he eat?’
Dad ran through a few suggestions and Sammie headed off.
The nurse left us and we made our way over to some seats. Dad released Archie from his straps and held him against his shoulder.
‘What happened?’ I asked.
‘The stairs at the flat. They’re a damn hazard when it’s been raining and she slipped and tumbled down about half a flight right in front of me. Scariest thing I’ve ever seen.’ He tightened his hold on Archie. ‘Luckily I had hold of this one or it could have been even worse.’
‘What have the doctors said?’
‘Not much yet. She hit her head and kept drifting in and out of consciousness in the ambulance. They believe she’s got a broken arm and a dislocated shoulder. She’s covered in bruises and cuts as you’d expect but the biggest worry is the internal damage and that’s what they’re trying to assess now.’
I hardly dared ask. ‘And the baby?’
‘Lottie’s still breathing but she’s in distress. They might need to do a C-section.’
‘You’ve called her Lottie?’ I asked, swallowing on the lump in my throat. ‘After Grandma?’ Dad’s mum was called Charlotte but Granddad had always affectionately called her Lottie.
Dad nodded. ‘Officially Charlotte but she’ll always be Lottie to us. If she makes it. Oh, God, she has to make it. They both have to.’
I thought about what Sammie had said on the way over. ‘Try not to think the worst, Dad. How many times have you operated on an animal with horrific injuries and it has pulled through? Keep believing.’
New Arrivals at Hedgehog Hollow Page 20
