Feeling so much better for getting it out in the open, I grabbed a tissue and wiped my eyes then curled up on the sofa and gave Hannah a grateful smile.
‘Is that the only reason you don’t want children. I’m not saying it’s not a significant reason because it absolutely is, but is there anything else?’
I shook my head. ‘Isn’t that enough?’
‘I’m just trying to establish if there’s anything else so we can address it.’
‘There’s nothing else. I just couldn’t put a child through what my mum put me through.’
‘But you wouldn’t do that.’ Amelia cried out and Hannah swiftly scooped her up onto her knee and kissed the top of her head. ‘You know how shitty it feels. It’s not in your nature to be cruel like your mum. You are the kindest person I’ve ever known and you’d be a wonderful mum.’
‘Do you know what my dad thought of my mum before I came along?’
Hannah grimaced. ‘The same?’
‘Exactly the same. He said she was the kindest, sweetest woman he’d ever met.’
‘I still maintain you’re nothing like her.’
We sat in silence for a moment. I wanted to believe her but there were no guarantees in life. Mum changed when she had me and I couldn’t risk doing the same.
‘I’m going to have to nip to the loo.’ Hannah stood up with Amelia. ‘Are you okay to look after her while I’m gone? You won’t morph into your mum and accuse her of making too much noise or mess?’
I rolled my eyes at her. ‘Hand her over.’
‘Are you going to be a good girl?’ Hannah swooped Amelia into my arms, making her giggle. ‘Back soon.’
I cuddled Amelia to me. ‘You have rice cake in your hair. You smell like popcorn. Can I gobble you up?’ She squealed with laughter as I made chomping sounds and pretended to eat her.
‘Should we go and see the baby in the mirror?’ I stood up and carried her over to the mirror on the wall in the dining room. ‘Who’s that, Amelia? Is that the baby in the mirror?’ I turned her to face her reflection and she giggled as we moved closer, then I turned away. ‘Where’s she gone? Where’s that baby?’ I turned back to the mirror. ‘There she is!’
We repeated it several times, each as funny as the time before. She got the hiccups which made her giggle even more.
‘You’re so beautiful.’ I stroked her hair then kissed her soft cheek. ‘Although that baby in the mirror might be more beautiful. What do you think?’ She giggled helplessly as we returned to the mirror. ‘You’re both beautiful and I love you very, very much.’
‘How can you possibly think you wouldn’t be an amazing mum?’
I spun round to see Hannah leaning against the doorframe. ‘How long have you been there?’
‘The whole time. You’re a natural, Sam. If you don’t want children, that’s fair enough. That’s your choice. But don’t remain childless because of your mother. I know five minutes with Amelia is hardly the same as twenty-four hours with your own baby but if you can feel and demonstrate that much love for a baby not connected to you by blood, imagine how you’d feel towards your own child.’
‘But my mum—’
‘Was a poorly woman who needed help as we’ve already established.’
Amelia pulled at a lock of my hair and tried to stuff it into her mouth. As I extricated it from her hand, she wrapped her fingers round mine and I felt a rush of love for her. Could Hannah be right? My heart said she was but my head was buzzing with memories of the past – the harsh words, the hateful looks, the indifference and rejection – and they seemed so much stronger than the sliver of self-belief that I could rise above it and do things differently.
43
Josh
Lottie looked so tiny lying in her incubator. There was a tube up her nose and she was attached to a multitude of wires and cables.
‘It’s not as scary as it looks,’ said a nurse checking on a baby in the next incubator. ‘The tube up her nose is for feeding her and the rest of the wires are for monitoring things like heartrate. She’s small and she’s early but she’s doing great.’
‘Thank you.’
The nurse left the room. I felt a bit helpless just standing there so I only stayed a few more minutes then returned to the waiting room.
Dad was hunched over in his seat, his hands between his legs nursing a half-drunk paper cup of coffee. He looked up as I approached. ‘Did you see her?’
I nodded. ‘She’s beautiful. Any more news on Beth?’
‘Still waiting.’
‘How are you holding up?’
‘Honestly? Never been more scared in my life. Beth thought my cancer was our punishment for what we did to you and your mum. Now this. Makes you wonder if she could be right.’
‘No! Oh, Dad, you can’t think like that. The cancer and Beth’s accident are not the universe’s way of judging you.’
‘I’m not so sure anymore.’
‘Well, I am. Good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people and, despite everything we’ve gone through, you still reside in the good person camp. You just detoured a bit on the way back from the shower block.’
Dad’s shoulders shook as he laughed. ‘That sounds like something your granddad would have said.’ He sat up straight and drained the last of his coffee. ‘It was good to see your mum yesterday. I still can’t believe she was willing to look after Archie like that. She’s an impressive woman.’
‘She is and she surprises me every day with it. Do you know what the strange thing is? What you did turned out to be the making of her. I’ve never seen her as strong or as happy.’
Dad smiled. ‘Has she met anyone else?’ His voice sounded hopeful.
I shook my head but then thought of her eyes shining when she’d started to tell me about how she knew Alex. I pictured them laughing together at the barbeque. ‘No. Nobody since you but I think there may be a possibility.’
‘I hope he appreciates her more than I did. I took her for granted. I know that now. I did love her, though. I still do.’
‘She knows. And she’ll be fine. I don’t think she’d put up with another man for long if he didn’t appreciate her.’
We sat in silence for a few minutes.
‘Is your oncologist based here?’ I asked.
‘He’s in the main building. Why?’
‘You’re scared of losing Beth but she’s just as scared of losing you. We can’t lose sight of what you’re going through. We should make an appointment for me to get tested for a stem cell match while we’re here.’
‘We’ve already talked about this. You’re not likely to be a match.’
‘We won’t know that for certain unless we try.’
He sighed then nodded slowly. ‘I’ve got an appointment with him on Tuesday morning. You’ll be working, though.’
‘I’ll have a word with the boss.’
Dad smiled and the relief was obvious in his expression. ‘Thank you.’
44
Samantha
Shortly after Hannah left, I was called out to rescue a hedgehog stuck down a drain. My first ever rescue! It all went smoothly and I was able to reach him fairly easily. We’d had another six new arrivals across the week so Barnum – named after the lead in my favourite film, The Greatest Showman – became our thirty-fifth adult patient.
My heart leapt when I returned to Hedgehog Hollow and spotted Josh’s jeep parked in the farmyard. I needed to get Barnum cleaned up so I texted him after I’d opened the barn:
✉︎ To Josh
Great to see you back. I’ve been out rescuing a hog from a drain. In the barn cleaning him up xx
Fifteen minutes later, Josh appeared. ‘So the badass hedgehog saviour was called out on her first rescue mission, was she?’
I smiled as he approached the treatment table. ‘This is Barnum who took a tumble down a drain on Adlington Row. He was covered in cooking fat so I’ve cleaned that off and I’ve just finished cleaning up his wounds.’
‘Deep ones?’
‘Superficial. Give me thirty seconds and you have my full attention. You can add him to the Happy Hog Board if you want.’
Josh busied himself doing that while I finished with Barnum then placed him in a fresh crate to heal.
‘How’s everyone?’ I asked as I washed my hands.
‘I’ll tell you in a minute but there’s something I have to do first.’
I didn’t get a chance to pick up the towel before Josh took my face in his hands and kissed me with longing. I snaked my arms round his neck. His hair was damp from the shower and I breathed in the scent of lime from his shower gel.
I was out of breath when he stepped back, smiling.
‘What was that for?’ I asked. ‘Not that I’m objecting.’
‘I missed you and I wanted you to know how much I love you. I know I stayed at the hospital but that was for dad. It’s not because I still have feelings for Beth.’
I stroked his cheek and gave him a gentle kiss. ‘I know you don’t. I’m not worried about that.’
‘Then what are you worried about because I know something upset you yesterday?’
I gazed into his eyes and felt the love emanating from him. I owed him the truth but it wasn’t going to be a quick conversation. ‘Are you home now or did you just pop back to get changed?’
‘I said I’d meet Dad at the hospital this evening so I’m all yours for a few hours.’
‘Okay. We’ll go over to the house and I’ll tell you what’s on my mind but I need a full update first. How’s Beth?’
We took mugs of tea out to Thomas’s bench and sipped on them while Josh filled me in on Beth’s progress. She’d regained consciousness late morning and was coherent but she needed significant pain management and kept drifting in and out of sleep.
‘Dad phoned Mum while I drove him back to the flat to freshen up. She’s on her way to the hospital now with Archie so that Dad and Beth can see him but she’s going to look after him for a bit longer. Dad was going to pack some stuff for Archie which he can give to Mum.’
‘Your mum’s amazing.’
‘Isn’t she just? I don’t think many women would step in and do what she’s done. Really puts my behaviour to shame.’
‘Hey, don’t beat yourself up about it. What’s important is that you’re there for your dad and his family now when they really need you.’
‘I can’t help thinking it’s too little too late.’
‘No, Josh, it’s never too late to start over.’
He looked at me thoughtfully. ‘If your mum turned up and asked you to start over, would you?’
I didn’t even need to think about it. ‘Yes. I must be a glutton for punishment but I’d grab the chance. It wouldn’t be easy. I’d probably be setting myself up to get hurt all over again but I’d give it a go.’
‘Why?’
‘Because I don’t want to live a life full of regrets.’ I looked towards the meadow. ‘Thomas gave up on life the day Gwendoline died and he regretted it. He used to talk about how disappointed she’d have been that he cut himself off from the world, let the farm decay around him, and didn’t fulfil their dream of running the rescue centre. He left me this place so I could do what he wasn’t able to. I know Thomas was an extreme case of what grief can do to a person but it’s a valuable lesson around how important it is to accept that bad things happen and move on instead of letting the bad stuff eat away at you.’
‘But wouldn’t letting your mum back in be a bad thing?’
I shrugged. ‘Potentially but the difference here is that she’d be the one who initiated it which would mean she’s finally made the decision that she wants me in her life. Previously, it’s been me pushing against a closed door.’ I gave him a wry smile. ‘And the door has been a foot thick, made from reinforced steel and someone’s lost the twenty keys needed to unlock it.’
Misty-Blue jumped up onto my knee and I stroked her warm back. ‘I’ve done my bit and I’m not going to try again but, if she approaches me, I’d hear her out. I wouldn’t want to get a phone call from my dad or Auntie Louise one day to say something’s happened to Mum and I have to live with the regret that she offered an olive branch and I didn’t take it.’
Josh shuffled along the bench and drew me into a gentle hug. ‘That’s why you were so keen I reach out to Dad.’
‘The regrets would have been far greater than the discomfort of tackling the hurt and betrayal.’
‘You’re not wrong there. I’m already feeling that because of Dad’s cancer. I feel so helpless and wish I could do more but I’ve arranged to get tested to see if I’m a stem cell match. He’s got an appointment on Tuesday and I’m going with him.’
‘That’s brilliant news.’ I twisted to look at him and frowned. ‘Why the anxious face?’
‘Dad said that children aren’t often a match and I thought he was just saying that so I wouldn’t get my hopes up but I Googled it and he’s right. Siblings are more likely to be a match but Dad hasn’t got any.’
‘I’m sorry. It’s worth trying, though.’ I squeezed his hand, feeling his worry. ‘Could I get tested? Could my dad? Your mum? Lauren?’
‘You’d really do that?’
‘Without hesitation. Surely the more people we can get tested, the more likely we are to find a match.’
‘The website I was looking at said the best matches are aged sixteen to thirty.’
‘Then we can ask our friends and get them to ask their friends. Put a poster up in the practice. Hedgehog Hollow is online now so I could put out a plea there. We haven’t got many followers yet but it’ll grow. Look at how the community pulled together to rebuild the barn. They’re kind people. They’d respond to this.’
Tears glistened in Josh’s eyes as he leaned forward and tenderly brushed his lips against mine. ‘Your mum’s missing out on so much by cutting you out of her life. She should be so proud of you.’
We sat in contented silence for a while listening to the relaxing sounds of the countryside accompanied by Misty-Blue’s gentle purr. Was I disillusioned to keep hoping that Mum would change her mind about me one day? I sometimes wondered if all I needed was to hear her saying ‘well done’ one time, her voice warm with pride, a gentle smile on her lips. Would that be enough? Or did I need an apology?
I placed my empty mug on the bench beside me. ‘You haven’t mentioned Lottie so I’m assuming she’s doing well.’
‘I got to see her this morning. She’s tiny but she’s so cute…’
His eyes shone as he spoke about his first glimpse of his baby half-sister and how he’d been able to reach into the incubator and stroke her hand. It warmed my heart to hear him talk about his new family like that – the family he’d been adamant he wanted nothing to do with. He’d made incredible progress in such a short time. I knew he’d regret that it had taken a potential tragedy to let them into his life but I’d help him focus on the positives instead of the regrets. As a district nurse, how many family feuds had I seen cast aside when illness or injury struck and everyone rallied together? Equally, I’d seen families destroyed by siblings squabbling over decisions around care.
Josh’s family scenario had shown a family pulling together whereas mine… I could have died and Mum hadn’t come to say goodbye. I should hate her for that. I should be able to cast all thoughts of her completely out of my mind. Yet I felt empathy for her. She’d been ill and things could have been so different between us if she’d had some professional help.
‘Are you ready to tell me what you’re worried about?’ Josh’s gentle voice cut across my thoughts.
I lifted up my mug. ‘I think so, but only if you make me another cuppa.’
He took my mug with a smile. ‘Your wish is my command.’
Misty-Blue jumped down off the bench and trotted after him, presumably hoping she could wheedle a few treats out of him.
‘I have to tell Josh I don’t want children,’ I said, looking towards the meadow. I’m scared
of being like Mum. What do you think about that?’
I could imagine Thomas’s response: ‘Nonsense. And this place is perfect for kids. Should be teeming with them.’
After I’d found Thomas collapsed and he was taken away by ambulance, I’d searched the farmhouse for pets. It felt tired and unloved and I remembered thinking what amazing potential it had to be a happy family home.
Thomas had told me over Christmas dinner – our final meal together – that he and Gwendoline had longed for a family but she’d been unable to carry a baby to term. With a boy and girl stillborn at eight and seven months respectively, he’d said, ‘I sometimes feel comforted knowing those babies have their mum back.’ If the Micklebys had been able to have children, they’d have been in their late teens or twenties by the time they moved to Hedgehog Hollow but, within a few years, there could have been grandchildren running round the grounds.
‘Are you okay? You look confused.’
I turned to see Josh standing to my left, a mug in each hand.
‘Sorry. Miles away.’
‘Talking to Thomas?’
I nodded and smiled.
Josh sat beside me and passed me my drink and we both gazed out across the meadow.
Despite my doubts about whether I was the right person for the job, I’d found the strength to set up the rescue centre. Could I cast aside my doubts about motherhood and let the farm ring with the sound of children laughing? My children? Could I fulfil another of Thomas and Gwendoline’s dreams?
I’d talked to Josh earlier about not having regrets. What if I said no to children out of fear of being like Mum then regretted it when I was older? What if Josh stuck with me and we bumbled round that enormous house on our own, torn apart by our regrets?
I was going to have to let him in. Deep breath. Out with it. ‘I’m not pregnant.’
New Arrivals at Hedgehog Hollow Page 23
