by Nivia Borell
DAMIEN
My whole core balances on a rope suspended over a crater. I almost confess I had the privilege to see the traces of her tattoo last year, but something halts me. It concerns only Bria and me. It’s personal and intimate before I tarnished it. The guilt still chews on my insides. I could have saved her from herself one year ago if I wasn’t blinded by selfishness and pure hurt, but I didn’t. Instead, I shoved her further on a path of no return. My fists dig into my temple in an attempt for physical harm and maybe a lobotomy. There is no excuse for what I did and said to her.
I ache to take my shirt off and show Alex the same tattoo displayed over my heart. I got mine, for the same reason, so I would never forget what we had was true. Both Bria and I had craved our forever since we spoke our first words. After we lost it, we paid our respects by getting a painting of a lost love. When we are just shadows of our past selves, we may regain a piece of our souls when we can look at what is inked over our hearts.
No one can understand us or our love for each other—not even us. Everyone should be excused from the devastation a great love can leave behind. You give your all to one person, granting total power over you forever. Is the risk worth it? The answer is yes. It is tattooed on my skin, unaffected by the passage of unforgiving time. If not for Bria, I would never have known what it felt like to be on top of the universe, connected to absolution, bathed in divinity, and carried by wholeness. I let her have my all for a kiss, a smile, and an embrace from her because not having loved her and known her at all seems unbearable.
I could grasp Alex’s infatuation with Bria behind his scorching eyes whenever he spoke her name. He’s put her on a pedestal where he could look at her but never touch. An unrequited love is no love at all because love needs two hearts to claim it and become enslaved to the feeling of it. Everything else is a mere unfulfilled desire and material for improbable scenarios.
Alex says, without looking at me, drumming a finger, deprived of a rhythm on the polished bar, “You know, Damien, she longed to earn something back with her hard work. She became a workaholic and desperate in her attempts to regain at least your respect for and trust in her work ethic. Bria craved it more than her next breath, although I’m not sure she wanted her next breath more than regaining your trust. Can you remember how you’ve challenged her, the numerous extra hours she had to work so you would have the satisfaction of having control over her? She developed plans for not just one drugstore opening in a month, but twenty, per your request. The amount of work she had to do in such a short time was barbaric. From the beginning, you set her to fail, but then again it was the only way to show you she is a force of nature.
“For four years, you’ve treated her not as your equal, but as your personal donkey. Lately, though, you’ve adjusted your strategy, haven’t you? You couldn’t get to her with these demands, could you? Do you realize you have given her what she wished for? Hasn’t she always had control by stroking and blinding your ego to give you the false impression you had of it? Of course, you won because that’s what she always desired… for you to win.”
Oh, I flash back to those times as if it were yesterday. In the beginning, I didn’t trust her, not at all. I had entrusted her with my heart and where had that gotten me? I couldn’t risk expecting her to be trustworthy again with the only other thing I was living for. I longed to test her, know her level, what she could do, and what would make her break. I was rendered speechless fast as she managed everything I cast to her. I ordered her to come up with plans for our rapid growth in a few days. No sane or normal person could have handled it, but she and her chosen team succeeded so we expanded into ten different countries, adding one thousand seven hundred thirty-five branches in the last four years. It hasn’t even been amusing because we communicated only through our assistants. Poor Luisa and Emma, two innocent people caught in the middle of our mutual tantrum.
After a few months, I knew this woman could do my work and everyone else’s in a heartbeat. But I couldn’t admit it, so I kept forcing her to do more. I expected, at some point, she would crumble. Any other person would have, but not Bria. After a while, something unbelievable happened. She pressed me back, and my team had to negotiate harder contracts creating a better competitive landscape both internally and externally. I was constantly on the search of expansion, markets, and developments. I worked due to her challenges more productively and with even more determination than in the past. We took the next step and entered the online market and also implemented a grocery delivery service. She made me a better CEO for the people who work for us, more available and attentive. I created a familial atmosphere starting by allowing employees to choose how their workplaces should look, ergonomic chairs both in offices and in the shops, and implementing a daycare center for our employees’ children. I began to take into consideration their opinions on how to improve the internal and external aspects of M&S.
Regarding work accomplishments, Bria and I have been the perfect team. We wrote history when it came to the achievements of the business being unstoppable in our pursuit of greatness. Our earnings rose to $75 billion yearly. We breathed for the high of a new success but never celebrated it together. We’ve challenged each other every day to the point of exhaustion, but neither of us ever gave the other one this impression. She gained my respect and my trust, which she yearned for, and what did I gain in return? Nothing, because she isn’t mine anymore.
Sometimes, nostalgia rammed me, and like a fool, I would daydream about us, about how we could have had everything, both in private and at work. These thoughts cut deep because people assumed I had everything. And I did, on the outside. Well, everything except the love of my life at my side. Nothing could compare in worth.
So, although I had no option but to trust and respect her, I’ve made a promise, and I have to keep it, so I don’t end up losing my mind.
Thankfully, I like to observe people when they are engrossed and unaware of being watched. Thinking themselves alone, they let their masks slip for a few seconds. And in those seconds, I always find my answers. This is how I found out nothing could bring Bria to her knees through work because work seemed to be cathartic for her. But on the few occasions we saw each other, I had the latest supermodel or actress at my side. Bria gave me what I was desperate to gain—a reaction. She started showing up with that ape at her side, so pardon me if I didn’t give a fuck how my numerous affairs would be regarded.
I have had one purpose and only one—the downfall of Bria du Mont, to see her at my feet, begging for forgiveness. It began when Chloe, my friend came to visit from abroad, and I invited her to our parents’ annual Christmas party. She presented the perfect solution for my plan, because I caught a glimpse of the pained look in Bria’s longing eyes. After that, my chosen game in the world has been to invite the most beautiful woman I know to be my date for the night. Not even what we have achieved with the company has it filled me with as much satisfaction as Bria’s fleeting response every time we met.
The look in her eyes switched from pain to consent and forgiveness over time as if I had somehow made the mistake of my life by cheating on her. But leave it to Bria to still find a way to make me feel bad. It was my life, and I could be with and fuck anyone I wanted. And still, her display of virginal innocence had me simmering with rage because she was constantly at the side of her boyfriend as if they were grafted together. So why the beaten glances, then?
The women came and went, but nothing did the trick. I pondered what would be certain to make Bria crumble, and I had my answer the moment I saw her gazing at her family with something resembling remorse, guilt, and a glimpse of hidden yearning and had my answer—her family. I surveyed the only person who could help me was her cousin, Monica, and so I formed a plan of putting Bria in the hole she deserves—alone and shattered.
Using Monica as a tool for my vengeance made everything easy. I read you like an open book, Bria. You should have fought. But I would have won either way as I had gained some st
rong friends in your absence—patience and observation. So, don’t be mad about losing. You never had a winning chance, my love.
I catch myself talking in my head for the umpteenth time this evening, and blink to ground me to the here and now. I feel Alexander’s stare in the corner of my eye. It seems just for a while we would indulge in some silent reprieve.
ALEXANDER
For some time during the night, we remain alone in the bar. I believe the bartender had enough of our display of emotions. Is it after or during the third glass? Who cares, dammit! We are both sprawled on the barstools gazing at nothing in particular. One could say two buddies on a night out. I cringe at the visual. I scrub the three-day stubble before I resume talking, almost laughing at the irony of how I’ve spoken the most about my life to the person I can stand the least. I shake my head to break the unpleasant train of thoughts.
One year earlier…
“I admit you have been resilient in your pursuit of revenge and still most of your attempts were futile. Not the enormous and agonizing tasks you gave her and not even the parade of women you brought helped your cause. I concede, in the beginning, you gained some fleeting reaction out of her, but it was ineffective regarding the big picture. Your master plan wasn’t working until Bria’s twenty-fourth birthday when you arrived hand in hand with Monica and introduced her as your girlfriend. The du Monts and du Skys had organized a family day to celebrate, and it should have been carefree, if you could ignore the same hopeful looks from her parents, the same sad expression in Filip’s eyes, and the same questioning one on Sophia’s face. Her parents were searching for the girl she had ceased to be, the familiar one but never trying to get to know the one she became. She gulped any laments under fake smiles. Bria was always there for them when she had to be, even though she would have preferred to work or stay at home locked in her mind.
“As dutiful parents, they accepted the family-only birthday non-party. But your arrival stole the show. It was like a cheap slow-motion display as you rendered everyone speechless when you came hand in hand with Monica to the table set outside on the porch overlooking the lake, plopped on a seat, and appeared to be glowing with happiness over your newfound love for Monica. I couldn’t believe how low you’d sunk. You proved to me there’s no limit to wanting to hurt someone.
“Being warm outside, your people placed the table on the back porch, everything festive yet intimate.
“I recall Bria didn’t seem so caged in her mind and forlorn as usual. It would happen once in a while. I never understood from where this sudden and short-lived moment barged in, but I learned it wouldn’t last, it never did. But the instant she saw you with her cousin at your side, it flew away setting a record for how soon her mood could shift. She clenched my hand, and I thought the blood quit circulating there. Her chest hammered, the vibrations jolted me. Then she went poker-faced, and it obscured the battle inside her. A trace of wellbeing had been such a welcome sight, and I was enjoying this new Bria as long as it would last. She was always present, but never more than physically as if her mind wandered through time and space, in her eyes a draining longing etched. Do you know she’d never taken my hand before, voluntarily or not? I had the distinct feeling unless I were holding her hand, she would crumble. But you, being the blind and enraged dick you are, you had to shove and crush her. I still recollect the satisfaction marring your face, the smirk plastered on your mouth.”
The idiot’s jaw twitches. I rein myself and visualize instead how I slam his audacity in his face.
“‘Hello, family,’ you cheered. Then, you added, ‘Bria, Alexander’ dividing her from the family. I’m positive you beat your chest when you saw a flicker of pain flash in her eyes. It was the fuel you needed to keep going with your charade of a plan.
“You wished her a happy birthday, but you said it as if you were chastising a dog who had peed on your shoes. Bria only murmured a thank you.
“Then, you put your hands on Monica’s shoulders and leaned in as if whispering to her like a love-struck teenager. Monica blossomed under your attention and caresses. Our mouths all hung open. Rebecca was the first to regain her composure and find her words. She crackled at such a surprise.
“You had been waiting for the perfect moment to reveal your good fortune, and your mother offered it to you.
“You croaked we’d all adjust, and you and Monica had simply embraced your mutual feelings.
“Meanwhile, Bria grappled for her next breath.”
His breath shakes, and he winces as I add, “Your mother again spoke first. ‘I am certain we all agree at this table that if you two are happy, so are we. It just never occurred to us you might have feelings for each other.’
“You poured it on thick saying Monica’s beauty and goodness had made you fall in love with her. Worse, you said, ‘Just look at her!’ and went on about how adorable she was. And then you cupped her face as she squealed and pecked her on the corner of her mouth. Your words and flaunting of affection stabbed Bria in the chest, and it was exactly what you craved. You elevated one woman whose eyes lit up and blazed with delight and hacked at the other.
“Katherine beamed when gazing at you and Monica. Everyone bobbed their heads except for Sophia and Filip. They looked at each other with disbelief etched on their ashen faces as if they were in the wrong place and didn’t know how to run for the hills. Your actions reeked of desperation, Damien, and like every desperate man, you took extreme measures for your own salvation.
“But your master plan had a flaw in it because you couldn’t keep Monica from piercing Bria even more. You were so wrapped up in your bitterness you couldn’t stand it if someone besides you upset her.
“Sophia rested her cheek on her elbow on the table, and poked, ‘So, when exactly did you two discover these feelings for each other?’ It was the first time someone in your family gained my limited respect. Her tongue dripped with mockery, and her eyes burned with ire.
“And then Monica interrupted you to answer Sophia and deliver a low blow. Remember, Damien? Monica said something like, ‘Well, Sophia, Damien and I have had a thing for each other since we were little, but it was not the right time for us to delve into it. We’ve waited patiently for our time to come, and now we have agreed to embrace the feelings we have for each other.’
“Your parents raised their brows right at that moment. Filip spurted, and Sophia passed him a tissue. I developed a sense of regard for them all. It was clear they had a problem with what she had just said, which was hurtful to Bria and inconsiderate to them on her behalf while Monica stuck her nose in the air. Their eyes on Bria shone with enough love and sympathy to melt an iceberg, acknowledging maybe for the first time you two shared a common past. Meanwhile, Monica ruffled the tablecloth as her eyes narrowed, and Bria, well...
“I thought I saw the life draining from her. I looked at you and noticed your brief glance of horror at your new love. Didn’t expect that coming from your sweet and beautiful girlfriend, did you? I hoped Bria would see what a waste of a human being you are, beyond repair and without any sense of morality. With two sentences, Monica had annihilated your love story with Bria and its meaning by making it sound superficial and destined to fail while batting her lashes. Your fiancée kept it up by asking Bria if she was happy for the two of you.
“Bria’s eyes went wide, and then, something dawned on her as acceptance washed over her.
“She said as she faked a smile, ‘I’m content Damien has found his happiness and glad you can have the man you love, Monica. If you’re asking for my blessing, you have it, cousin, even though I gather neither of you need it. To you two!’ she hissed, and pride flooded me how she had spun the power balance at the table with her answer, forcing you to clink with her raised champagne glass. I assume you gulped more than a sip of champagne, maybe a chunk of your own heart and possibly a lump of guilt.
“Bria was in control for a passing moment, and you had to suck it up unaware it was also the last nudge toward the abyss f
or her.
“It was a strange situation to contemplate as the awkwardness stretched. If it hadn’t been for the business and philanthropic issues being discussed, I would have thought I was having lunch with strangers which has to say something as I never had the distinct impression I was among friends. By the time the cake was served, Bria’s lids sunk, and she swallowed a yawn. She bent over, settled her hands on the table, bent, and blew out her candles. Everyone kept buzzing she should not forget to wish for something. For one second, her eyes flashed to you before shutting them and blew out the candles. Then she gripped the knife to cut the cake, but her fingers trembled as she let a sigh slip her. Shock engulfed me. You darted from the seat as you placed your hand over hers, mouthing to allow you to do it in her place. She nodded, and you took the silver knife from her and cut the cake, serving her the first piece of the layered chocolate-raspberry cake. I wished to poke my eyes out witnessing the moment passing between you two, her murmuring a thank you and the pain flashing in your eyes.
“Afterward, she leaned toward me and whispered, ‘I’m exhausted, and you have work to do, so leave without me. I need to take a nap, and then I’ll come home, okay?’”
“I didn’t know if I was comfortable to leave her alone there with you.
“She chirped her answer so I would stop worrying. She said she had everything under control and she’s a big girl and waved me away with her hands.
“I had one condition. I would pick her up after the conference and organize everything for my father’s visit the next day. She agreed with a roll of her eyes, but added, ‘Like you’d give me a chance not to accept it.’
“Bria stuck out her tongue at me. My body quivered with laughter with her trying to be entertaining. I didn’t want to delve into how desperately she wanted me gone so she could rest. Everyone looked at us with mixed emotions flashing in their eyes, but the predominant ones were confusion and wonder. Only you, Damien, furrowed your eyebrows, ground your jaw, and squashed the cutlery as your knuckles whitened.
