by Nivia Borell
I stare right back at her and snarl, “How would I know, Bria? You may tell the truth, but on that day, I saw what I saw, and it was you, the woman who supposedly couldn’t live without me, spread out on a bed, naked, with another man by her side. And here you are blabbering if I have forgotten the love you had for me. Don’t you think it’s rather twisted and contradictory? Your love feels more like an oxymoron. Which should I believe when there are two sides of you, and I witness both of them?”
She places her head in her palms as she whines, and a wrenching echo encompasses us. “You are entitled to doubt everything. I don’t even try to change your mind. I just hope you find it in you to accept the truth of my words. Ever since I can remember, it was all about what I felt for you. It consumed me.”
I raise my hands in the air, as I choke on my misery. “But I did believe, Bria, not only in you but also in your feelings for me. I wouldn’t have wanted to go down on my knee and ask you to share your life with me, otherwise. Do you think I would have thought of it at all if I hadn’t believed in our love, that what we had was real and strong enough to last a lifetime? I wanted to put a ring on your finger, goddammit, because I never questioned, not even for a second, whether your feelings were real or where your loyalty was. But reality spit in my face the moment I caught you with him. Bria, I can’t erase it. I would sell my soul to forget how your betrayal shattered me, and most of the pieces still lay scattered on the floor of the hotel room numbered 422, downtown.”
This is too much, and I switch our position without even looking at her. She slumps on her back, hands folded on her chest, eyes focused on the ceiling. I rest my head against the headboard contemplating whether I could just bang on it until it clears.
In the vacuum of my madness, I hear her next words, “I’m sure I would have loved the ring and your choice of design. Wearing it would have made me ecstatic. Damien.
“I recall you had this aura of secrecy surrounding you, like I know something you don’t, and did I hate it! But I was smarter than to interrogate you. I knew I’d have to wait until you spilled it out. You never lasted long when you were keeping something from me”
Hmm, right. And still it didn’t deter her to snoop around as if she’d been trained by the best detective alive. The sweeter the smile she gave me, she was thinking of a hundred ways of how to find out what I was keeping from her.
She grabs my shoulders and shakes me as I suppress laughter, while her eyes scan me. “Where did you hide the ring? I searched everywhere to find my present. Like a mad person, I rummaged in every spot I could think of.”
See, she can even admit it. I call it progress. A few years ago, she would have faked the most innocent look in history and turn it against me somehow.
“I kept it with me at first, but after two days with my nerves strained to the maximum you might feel it in my jacket or it would drop out or someone else would spot it, I handed it to Dad to put it in the safe.”
Realization dawns on her, and she asks, “How did Andrew react when he realized what it was?” Her voice cracks with the question, and I resume my story.
“He congratulated me and patted me on my shoulder. And when he left the room, he said something I’ll never forget. ‘Son, I couldn’t be prouder of you, and I love you both with all my heart. I’m glad you found each other and rather quickly. Not many have this privilege. Your responsibility toward your future bride and the family you’ll start together will make you an honorable man and me a proud father. God bless the two of you and your beautiful love.’ He also stated part-time was over, and he would expect my full involvement in the company.”
Silence follows as we stare at each other. Bria grips my hands and raises them to her heart. “You may believe me or not, Damien, but I never wanted to cause you or our families any harm, and I have to live with the guilt. It was not how I wanted things to develop, either between us or the entire family. You lost only me. I lost everyone and everything.”
I push her hands away and grit my teeth. I lift her and place her beside me as I shift to a sitting position, my head resting on the bed frame.
“You lost no one, Bria. You departed, and we all had to clean up after your mess while you moved on with your life as if nothing had happened. They only had me left because you decided to bail on the entire family. So, you’re right. You can’t blame anyone. Three long years, Bria, and what did you expect when you came back? A warm welcome? That we might have found the ability to forget everything and start all over? Everyone was just overstressed with you being home again. You were the precious glass that might crack if not handled carefully and bent on leaving again. I never complained, I clenched my teeth and stitched the gaping wounds.”
She supports her face in her palms, and then she cranes her head and says, determination filling her words, “You misunderstood me, Damien. I know what I left behind, but it was not in my control to remain and delve into the consequences face to face. You think it was an act of cowardice, me disappearing, but it wasn’t. When I got myself under control, it was a year later. It was my decision, and maybe the most selfless thing I’ve ever done to stay behind and let you re-tie the family knots I had ruptured.”
“You were just egotistical, Bria. No excuse will ever be good enough. You taking off was never for our benefit, but for your own. I don’t know how we would have pulled through it, but I feel sure we wouldn’t be in this situation right now with unfinished business between us and trying to tether up our wounds.”
“I don’t regret it, Damien. It was the least I could have done, and it was for the best of all of us.”
Her words reek of stubbornness. I massage my temples and say, “Yes, it surely was for you. You quickly found a replacement family. I guess we weren’t good enough for you anymore, Bria.”
She dangles a threatening finger in my eyes and utters, “Just stop with the nonsense. I never wanted another family, but the thought I caused the split was bad enough. You’ll never know how it gnaws at you to be a stranger in your family, in your own fucking body. But I dealt with it as I did with everything else.”
“Yes, don’t bother. We all received the vibe, Bria, loud and clear.”
She grips my chin and dips my head as her eyes bore into mine. “Well, I wanted to protect myself just a little bit. I came home with just one goal… to build something all of you would be proud of, to leave something behind besides destruction.” Bria drops her hand, hides her face in her hair, and chews on her bottom lip.
“Well, we accomplished your goal, so why are you still here?” Frustration twinges in my question, and my heart hammers in my chest waiting for her to answer.
With hooded eyes, she peers at me and mutters, “My time is not up yet. There’s one more thing left on my list.”
“And what will it be, Bria?” I grab her shoulders, as she eyes me with round and glossy eyes.
“For you to find love and happiness and start a family.”
My insides hurl. One could say the whole night has been an emotional rollercoaster per se, but her admission accompanied by the sincerity swirling in her eyes makes my jaw drop. I stare at her in utter disbelief, shocked to my bones. “You must be joking, right? You can’t be serious. Fuck, Bria!”
She places her hands over mine. I intertwine them and set them between us.
“But I am, Damien. It’s the only thing I still wish to see happen.”
“And then what, Bria?”
She seals her eyes, a lone tear rolling down her cheek. “Why would you care anymore? When I receive a wedding invitation from you, my wish will come true, and after a very long time, I will be able to breathe again admitting you found your way back to light. Love has to be the answer to restore every single fractured tissue.”
By now, I have no clue which of us is crazier. To be honest, it’s close. Is there any doubt that instead of putting an end to this madness, I dive in a little more?
“It should have been you, Bria. You’re in so deep in my cells, you assi
milated them. Your face will pop up in my mind when I ask another woman to become my wife.”
Those hazel eyes that have haunted me for years open, and my heart squishes under the gutter. They gleam with an untold plea. Are you sure this is really what you want from me, Bria? I question, bitterness gnawing at my limbs.
“You’ll be in love, Damien. You could never ask someone to be your wife if love wasn’t a part of it, and I will be the last person on your mind.”
Yes, as if I’m that lucky. I ball my fists at my side and snarl.
“Maybe I have already found her.”
“Then I’m happy for you.”
Her head hangs, eyes squeeze shut, fighting to hold back tears, lips quivering. If it’s true, her voice wouldn’t have cracked. Sobs rock her body, and her nails jab into the cushion. If it’s any indication, she would die sooner than accept I forgot about her. It would tear her apart, limb from limb. Her whole façade would shatter. Her reaction elevates my spirits but damages me further.
Oh, baby girl… what you do to me… you pump my ego and drain my heart. Shouldn´t it be the other way around?
“Do you know why this is my second treasured memory, Bria? Because that ring held our whole future. A platinum ring encrusted with diamonds representing our soon-to-be union and our love and hopes for the future. So much power in such a tiny thing.” As I’m very selfless with my suffering, I grip her hand in mine as I circle one particular finger as she eyes me through glossy lashes. “It would have looked stunning on your finger.”
Her lids sink, and then she hides her face behind her cascading hair. I drop her hand as I run a palm over my face.
“Why don’t you celebrate your birthday on the eighteenth of August anymore, Damien?”
I thought the silence would go on for a while, but I guess she’s as desperate to chase the pain as me and not to forget that time is not on our side. I offer her a half-hearted answer, “Let’s just say I prefer to lose consciousness and tussle with an old tree, and that keeps me occupied for the entire day.”
“Damien…” She pauses. “It’s not a healthy tradition, and you should quit it.”
Anger courses through my blood. I can’t believe her nerve.
“Who do you think you’re to tell me what I ought to do on my birthday or generally with my life? But I should ask you the same question, Bria. I mean, you owe me now, after I confessed to you something everyone else ponders about. So, why don’t you celebrate yours anymore?”
Her head snaps to me, fierce eyes boring into mine. “Why should I celebrate the day on which I destroyed my future, lost the love of my life, and disappointed everyone in the family? I could go on, Damien, but I’d rather stop because the other reasons are just too macabre.”
An ice-cold bucket floods me as she deadpans. “I’ll celebrate it again when I have a good reason, the best reason of my life… when I can let go. When no promise or deal or guilt will still restrain me, Damien. Maybe I’m not worth much, but I deserve, like every other person on this earth, to find my peace.”
I raise an eyebrow as she tilts her head to the side, her eyes downcast. “So, it sounds like I should worry when you celebrate it again. You talk like a lunatic, Bria, and to be honest, I don’t understand a word you’re saying.”
She waggles her head from side to side as she pulls at her lower lip, and it doesn’t reassure me at all.
I cross my fingers behind my neck and groan. “This whole memory-lane trip we’ve taken has drained me, mentally, emotionally and physically."
Her face pops in my vision, and her golden hair caresses my chest sending thrills all over my skin. Bria’s eyes swim with unshed tears, and emotions tug at my heartstrings. I fold one strand of her hair between my fingers, and she whispers, “I know you’re unaware of what this means to me, but this whole night smoothed the blackness. In a few hours, it will be as if it never happened, but I will treasure it until the end. Would you hold me, Damien?”
I gulp. For just a second, I have the impression she’s pleading to carry her until her end. I shake my head to aid with the pain throbbing behind my eyes. But for a world deprived of her, there would be no relief. I heave her and settle her on my chest. I bury my head in her silky hair, breathe in her flowery fragrance, nibble her slender, pulsating neck, and shut my eyes. All the while she laces our fingers together sheltered in the crook of my neck and sighs one more time, too many for my liking.
DAMIEN
Nothing has ever compared, and nothing will ever come close to being enclosed in her soft flesh, addictive smell, sweet breaths, and incessant caresses. A small smile lifts from the corners of my mouth as the thought of Bria being unaware of her fingers stroking my body the moment they find my skin. And even after all these years of separation, the conditioned subconscious movements of her hand surface. Silence cloaks us, but the inevitable rise of the dawn, and cancerous divide between us will tear us apart, once again, in a bit. She peeks at me from under her lashes as her lips arch into a shy smile, and I entangle her to me. It is possible she melts into my being. I wish to stay with her cradled in my arms until the sun begins to circle the earth.
“And so we come to the number one of my top ten. My eighteenth birthday, a hot August day when you planned the picnic, and we spent the entire morning and early afternoon under the branches of our old friend, the oak, while swans glided by on the lake.
“I woke up to your lips pecking mine. You sang happy birthday, and I grinned from ear to ear like a love-struck fool. You flashed me your tits, swaying them in my face, and my jaw dropped, mischief shining in your eyes. You sprung from the bed as I hunted you to the shower as you squealed and shut the door in my face, echoes of your laughter followed my groans. The serious case of blue balls you caused was not funny.”
She giggles, and the movement of her lips on my heated skin makes me forget my own name.
“We were both on edge, Damien, our patience fading. I knew if you accompanied me in the shower that was it. And it was not how I envisioned our first time.”
The visual has me both groaning and rock-hard. I adjust my slacks and catch Bria flush. She averts her gaze the second I spot her eyes on my groin. I suppress a smirk and say, “You were wearing this long, white floral summer dress. You took my breath away. Your hair hung in loose curls over your shoulders and lay against your round breasts. You wore the gold necklace with your name on it, the one I gave you on your fifteenth birthday.”
Her fingers slide down my chest as she nuzzles her head on my shoulder blade.
“And you were wearing dark-blue summer shorts with a white shirt hanging down casually, giving you a sophisticated, sexy look. Your disconnected, undercut, side-swept hair, freshly rinsed and still wet fell to one side. I thread my fingers through it mesmerized by your potent allure and imprisoned by your steel-blue eyes.”
“Then, you wrote a note for the family telling them we’d be back in a few hours, and we went into the kitchen, grabbed the filled picnic basket, and snuck outside where we found a taxi waiting for us.”
“The sun beat us down, Damien, and I went barefoot on the grass tickling my soles.”
The dreaming gaze reflecting in her eyes does funny things to my heart. I swallow an imaginary lump in my throat and say, “What an amazing view I had, Bria. You barefoot, your sandals in one hand, and the other hand waving at me to hurry up. We spread out a blanket, and unpacked the contents, biting into mini ham and cheese sandwiches, popping grapes into our mouths, and gulping down a really sweet drink.”
She pokes me in the ribs and mumbles, “It was a healthy drink… hibiscus syrup mixed with fruit teas, a lot of ice, and garnished with lime and mint. I had to keep you refreshed as later that day, you passed your driver’s license test. Plus, after your party, you had to drive us to Lake Cauma.”
I kiss the top of her head, and she nestles further into my side. Every inch of my right side is hyperaware of her soft skin glued to mine. This, here with her, feels so right. The dichotomy be
tween the wish to hold onto her and the reality of leaving her punches me in the gut.
I notice the first shy rays of light infiltrating the room, and my Adam’s apple bobbles. Soon it will all be over. I need to gather strength to be the person I have to be for my own good.
“I loved you with a fiery passion, Bria. The whole time I was thinking how lucky I was to have you in my life. But you kept avoiding my gaze, so I knew something was up. You were fidgeting and playing with your sundress. I didn’t know what was wrong.
“I scooped you onto my lap. You straddled me, and I turned your face to me with my index finger. You kept chewing your lip until I kissed you to keep you from hurting yourself. Then your shoulders relaxed, and you kissed me back, but the kiss went deeper than usual, and your fingers slid under my shirt. I looked at you and saw in your eyes determination mixed with desire. It was such a hot sight. I stroked your delicate face, inanely begging you to say you were ready.”
“And you kept babbling about our first time being on your birthday and how you had started the pill so we could do it. You blushed, but when you peered at me again, confusion and insecurity etched on your expression, and I didn’t understand why. I questioned the truth behind your words. I remember you squirmed and asked what was wrong.”
My thumb follows the lines of her arched-shaped brows, down her cheeks, contouring her lips, and her body jolts.
“I was nervous, Damien. The whole first-time part made me all itchy. I just wanted you to do something and shut off my brain, Damian.”
I press her body to mine and succumb to the sensation of her enveloping all my senses. “I was nervous, too. I think you had forgotten it would be the first time for both of us.“
