by Nivia Borell
Of two things I am still certain. First, my heart’s giving up on me. A conscious decision I made a year ago, and I’m sure it’s too severed at this point to be of concern anyway.
Why am I contemplating the damage to my heart now, anyway? I shake my head to clear my wayward thoughts as I twist to my back, my eyes boring into the ceiling.
Second, Damien hates me. His words cut me deep, the last fuel for my fall. He has always been my weakness, and he will always be the love of my life, the father of my only unborn child, and the master of my destruction. The one that for one night jolted my heart, a heart I hadn’t felt beating in six long years only to thrust me right back in the arms of numbness.
I have two more things to do this evening before bed, and then I pray for some much-needed sleep. I need to call Reception, get aspirin, and then call Quinn.
Five minutes later, I hear a knock on the door and spring from the bed to open the door to Housekeeping with the aspirin. I thank and tip her and then go pick up my cell phone that lays abandoned on the nightstand and call Quinn’s number.
A baritone like but familiar voice greets me, “Hello, sweetie.”
Oh, not tonight, Dad. You can stop pretending.
“I know what you did, Quinn. Alex showed me the police video. Now, my curiosity is piqued, how did you think I would react?” I plunge on the bed, my elbow resting on my thigh and my palm supporting my head.
“Well, at least you answer with an unfamiliar fire in your voice. I did what I had to do, Bria. You won’t get any mea culpa from me.”
His voice exudes defiance. In and out I keep inhaling and exhaling. If I tried, I’m sure I could understand the reason behind his actions. If I were absolutely sincere with me, wouldn’t I have done the same? Probably, maybe, or not…
“Quinn, I’m not even mad at you, and I don’t demand a justification. I tried for you, and I made it so you can have some peace of mind, but I never wished to be saved. It was me who decided against it to begin with. That night took so much from me I can’t even begin to articulate the carnage. You know I struggled for you and Alex. I buried myself in work to feel some sort of comfort, but nothing offered me a reprieve for my blank heart and foggy mind. You gave me a purpose, but it didn’t fulfil me. It just kept me occupied until I could attain my goal.”
“No one deserves to be loved like that, Bria. Not him, and not anyone else, my dear.”
I leap to my feet as I pace around the suite and confess, “I don’t care, Quinn. Don’t you get it? I think I was crazy long before I became ill. The way I loved him, the way my whole body and mind and stupid heart still react to him, the power one look of his has to annihilate my walls, I never stood a chance.”
I purse my lips from going further and confess to Quinn the night we spent together last year, the things he said... I wanted for him to find it all, love and marriage, but not as long as I’m still around. His admission that he loves someone else—it severed me further. I can’t be here to see their marriage. And, yes, I’m relieved I will disappear in a while.
“So, Quinn, I ask you, are you happy you invested so much in such a broken girl? I never evolved into womanhood because I’m stuck in my past, and now I hurt so much you can’t understand it. It’s too much…” And I sob as I stumble on the edge of the creamy sofa, my head too heavy to keep it up any longer. Quinn’s mollifying voice worsens my state.
“Bria, when we first met, we were both broken inside. Instead of accepting our impending deaths, we kept each other alive. I could give you hundreds of reasons and alternatives, Bria, but you wouldn’t accept them because I am not your redeemer. There is only one you would accept to play this role, but he’s too occupied with making plans for another war session with you, instead of seeing you vanish right before his eyes. And you are so trapped in your head to realize you are your savior, and you and no one else has all the power.”
Through a hiccup, I say, “I am sorry, believe me I am because, in my numbness, I forgot both you and Alex have feelings, feelings I’ve never taken into consideration because I couldn’t. And please, you have to forgive me and everything I put you through and still continue to do.”
He sighs, and it affects me in ways I thought I overcame.
“You are like the daughter I never had, honey. You gave me more than you are aware of. I have nothing to forgive you for, Bria. It’s my burden to carry knowing I did everything to save you from yourself, and it was still not enough.”
“I’m tired, Dad. You have to let me go. I have no more energy, no more purpose, and not even the stupid walls around me, anymore. Do you want me to go to therapy? Having to undergo a surgery that speaks against the odds of survival. Everything I kept hidden for so long would be shoved in their faces. I know it’s not fair on you. At least I can see you never deserved to be secondary, but you accepted me the way I am. At least you had a part of me. I left my family with nothing. And the only reason I put them above you is my solidarity with them and my inability to put them through worse. Please realize, Quinn, you are not only like a father to me, you are a father to me.”
I rock myself, and the brief pause in our conversation throbs in my ears.
“Your words are balm to my heart, but Bria, if you could trust me enough to let me help you, if you could trust me enough just once to let me make the decision for you, everyone would receive what they deserve.”
“Don’t make me laugh. What do I still deserve? I am a pathetic, depressed coward who can’t even save herself.”
“You naïve and stubborn child, you deserve everything. You’re innocent, Bria. And even if you were guilty of something, I still would have fought for you. Just accept it and let me do what parents do… save their children. Together, you and me. And you know what a great team we are, or have you forgotten? And Bria, everyone is responsible for writing their own story. It’s never too late to become the person you want to be.”
I wave it off. Alone with my emotions scattered all over the place, I have no clue how to compartmentalize them anymore. It has become a handicap.
“I have to thank you for everything. I built my legacy because of you and all you taught me. But It’s too late, Quinn. I don’t believe in happy endings, and we both know by now the damage to my heart is irreparable. Hope is for those who don’t see their end clearly before their eyes, but I see mine, and I’m not afraid. On the contrary, the thought of something more awaits me if I wake up from surgery paralyzes me because by now surgery would include more risks than life-saving potential.”
“Bria, you can still choose in what is potentially your last battle, and you can win over yourself instead of choosing not to fight, leaving everyone behind believing the lie you have prepared for the last several years.”
Has he shut his eyes at my weakness?
“I am no fighter. If I were, I would choose myself. After so many years, I don’t even know why I won’t… I guess seven years of planning for this moment doesn’t allow me to reconsider.”
And now I view it as it is. My mind became my greatest enemy after all. I dwell if, in the end, my decision will make me happy or even more depressed, knowing I was the one who gave up on myself, rejecting help just to spite my wellbeing.
“There is always a way, but you have to want it…”
“It’s too late.”
“Stop allowing the blackness to control you, Bria. You have punished yourself enough. Let me help you…”
I massage my temples as I plead with him. “Stop it, please. Let’s end this conversation so we both can find a little rest tonight.”
“I have nothing left other than to agree with you. You’ve decided for me, as always.”
I can hear his frustration oozing in waves. It ignites the pile of guilt I hold onto. I dig my fingers into my palms and sigh.
“The limousine will pick you up at nine o’clock, Bria, and I’ll wait for you in the jet, which will take you to your final vacation or the destination you desire. Enjoy your time on the island I b
ought so I will still have a place where you found your peace, hopefully. Can ghosts hear us talking to them? If not, be an exception and entertain me. “
For you, I’ll find a way. I swear it. Instead, I say, “Enjoy the rest of what’s left from the oblivion theme party, Quinn.”
“Likewise, Bria.”
Hmm, not possible anymore, I think while fisting the edge of the velvet-like fabric of the couch.
“Oh, I’m past that. At the moment, I’m facing quite the opposite.”
“And I will live these next hours waiting for a wonder.”
Why can’t I find in me the resolve to stay. What is it that I need to break away from the darkness? I lean my head against the frame gazing at the powder-white ceiling.
“Wonders happen only to believers, Quinn. You taught me not to hope in vain, not to dream my life away, and not to procrastinate. If I desire something, anything, I do it myself, go after it, grab it, and bend it to my will. I would hate for you to be disappointed when you don’t get your wonder.”
“But it’s what I have left, so let me have it, Bria. Let me envision a wonder occurs and tomorrow I lead you to a new beginning and not toward your end.”
I seal my eyes and utter, “Good night, Dad, and dream sweet dreams.”
“Good night, angel, until tomorrow. I love you, kid.” Quinn hangs up, no doubt knowing better than to wait for a response I can’t bring out of my mouth. My hands drop at my sides, and my cell tumbles to the floor. Restlessness jolts me out of my limp state, and I stretch to the window and lean on its frame. I see the last party guests scrambling to find their way to their cabs and let tears roll down my cheeks. I look out, waving from the privacy of my room and say my final goodbye wishing them a long and happy life.
There is an urgent and incessant knock on the door, startling me out of my stupor, and so I shout, “Alex, just go… please. I want to be by myself tonight.”
The knocks keep up, and I’m not in the right mental and emotional state to tolerate Alex’s insistence. I venture to the door, swing it open and halfway yell, “Alex, stop it. What…” but my words get caught in my throat. Standing in front of me is the one person I thought I’d never see again. An eerie and pale Damien warped with a great pained expression and disheveled hair meets me.
What happened to my beautiful Damien? His rosy glowing skin looks as if it’s aged overnight, deep lines crease his forehead, hooded and sunken lids, and white-purple lips replace the carnal reddish ones. I am rendered immobile and stand there like a statue until he marches toward me, and I have to backtrack. His steel-blue eyes bore into me as he shoves the door shut behind him. He collapses at my feet, his head leaning against the wooden frame. With this one action and in one moment, my heart gallops in my chest and reminds me I’m still alive.
Just why? I glance up at the ceiling and whine.
All this lost time, and now self-doubts crawl over me as I call on a self-preservation instinct I smashed long ago.
BRIA
“I am done, Bria,” he says, his bloodshot eyes sealed on mine, his voice cracking. He raises a hand exposing the inside of his palm as I gawk at the fine and long lines carving it. “I have to give you something. Here is my bleeding heart. It has ceased beating in my chest, Bria. It’s yours and always has been. Mend it or smash it!”
His words and torn expression snap something inside me, but before I sink to the floor, he grabs me and scoops me into his lap. Tears run down his pain-distorted face, and I can’t take it any longer. I join him, and we weep in earnest for what feels like an eternity. Then, with my head resting on his chest and his arms wrapped around me, we sit here on the floor, an entangled mess of broken hearts and bodies and sad sounds.
I feel a strong urge to caress him, but I halt my attempt to comfort him. Maybe I am completely mad because I’ve always felt this aching need to be there for him, to ease his pain. I can’t rein in myself even after everything that’s happened. He’s the one I can never turn away from, my other half. I feel truly possessed and under the spell and power of something that, although it feels foreign and distant, is still strong enough to make me surrender my all to him. I am far from caring or cringe he will hurt me anymore. I’ve been on the receiving end for a long time now, and it has never deterred me from trying to mollify his pain. Yes, I suppose he might show some sort of disturbed rejection and hurl cruel words my way, but, as always, I will take it for what it is—his particular coping mechanism.
“How can you even touch me?”
I freeze with my hand midway in the air because the last time we were together, he said he despised and loathed me, so, of course, he will not like my caress. Likely sensing my turmoil, he clasps my hand in his and trails kisses down my wrist. His gesture has something reverent in it, and the moisture he leaves on my hand mesmerizes me. I can’t seem to peel my eyes away.
“Bria, how can you wish to touch and comfort me? How can you caress the same person who caused you the most pain? Comfort the one person who’s not at all worthy of it? How can you touch the same person who said those horrible things to you back then, terrible lies out of the mouth of a complete sinner?”
I just stare at him in disbelief, and a fine line spreads on his forehead. Maybe I’m already dead and haven’t noticed it. Perhaps I took too many aspirin with too much wine. I look at the aspirin foil. It is intact. My body trembles with Damien’s closeness, but my mind is far away. He snatches the packet from my hand, and his brows snaps together.
“What the fuck are these, Bria? What are these pills?” He shakes me, but I still can’t utter any words. “Answer me, Bria, or I’ll force you to retch! Do you really enjoy making me lose my damn mind? I am on the brink of my sanity here, and you are not helping.”
The force of his voice rattles the walls. Is he for real? I manage to find a few words. “It’s aspirin. I have a headache,” I lie.
“Stop deceiving me, Bria. It kills me how easily you can lie while looking me straight in my face.”
He clenches my upper arms, and I tilt my head up.
“When did it become so effortless for you, my sweet baby? Can you remember the day I told you I wanted to corrupt your innocence but hoped it would still be there shining in your hazel eyes? What have I done?”
His voice falters, and I’m taken back by his words. My heart hammers in my chest, a wild animal cornered. And I wonder what he’s talking about. He can’t know I’m lying now, can he? It’s aspirin. In normal cases, people take it for minor aches and not for preventing blood clots.
Innocence. What is it, anyway? I am incapable of reliving a day in which anything he saw in me was pristine. I was never exemplary or angelic because I have desired everything from the day my life began. Such a demanding and selfish person can never be called pristine.
A sigh erupts from his core, and I shiver.
“You’re ill, Bria. I know you have a heart condition and the reason you’re taking aspirin right now is, if my information is accurate, you are trying to prevent a heart attack and not a headache, so you can still live for… how long, Bria? A few months, maybe? Well, for the rest of the world, me, your family and everyone else, you’ll be dead by tomorrow evening, right?”
My eyes pop up. He grits his teeth before continuing, “Please feel free to contradict me, or just lie outright to my face since you have become an expert in the matter these last few years. But I still see the truth behind them all, and I always would have if I had just paid sufficient attention instead of being this absolute monument of imbecility.”
He can’t know any of it, can he? And now, for the first time, it feels like the last seven years were a castle made of cards, and Damien, the villain in disguise, with a simple gesture of his hand, has scattered them at my feet as I take the devastation he causes with a maddening calmness and stoic acknowledgment.
I mumble, “What? How? It’s impossible unless…” And then it dawns on me. The traitor. I’m not sure I will ever forgive him. “Alex.”
&nbs
p; I untangle myself from his muscular arms and dart to my feet. I find the aspirin package lying on the floor and swallow one with some water. I stride to the window and lock my eyes as I shift my weight from one leg to the other. What have I ever done to deserve to be punished like this, I keep asking myself? I just want a clean break from everything and everyone, so why am I in this position of being not only consumed whole because of how much I feel at the moment but also am left with no control over the situation. My plan has a backup plan for every possible scenario except this one, not for Damien knowing everything I’ve tried so hard to protect him from and not for him being so close to me in this hotel room.
A simple hotel suite, and once again, everything I have worked for and dreamed of is being butchered. But this is not the right moment to accept defeat, not this time. Life has taught me well these last years. I’m not that naïve girl he left behind alone, confused, sobbing, and curled into a fetal position for God knows how long in another cold hotel room. Tranquillity envelops me as I formulate a new plan in which he can let me go and not try to salvage the unsalvageable. Damien is way too dangerous to my poor heart, and he can annihilate my decision, so I have to play dirty. It is the only way he won’t be able to get through to me again, with or without my walls.
“What are you scheming, Bria?” I hear his hoarse voice behind me.
Using the most indifferent and crisp tone I have in me, I ask, “What exactly do you know, Damien? And why are you here? Can you leave, please? I’m tired and in no condition to go through another heart-wrenching session with you. One was enough, don’t you think?”
He boosts up to his feet and begins to clap as he strides toward me. I shudder when I feel his hot, ragged breath caress my ear as he says, “I don’t even touch you, and you react. You didn’t stand a chance when you had your Chinese wall around you, but I assume from the state you’re in, you’re frail, Bria, and I have to take my chance with you. It’s the only way, and between us, I am a far better and dirtier player.”
