by Nana Malone
I should be worried about that. I should be scared. But I wasn’t. Clearly, she’d fucked me until I had no working brain cells. I’d fucked her… in my office… without a condom. Who the fuck was I anyway?
I had no idea how long we’d stayed braced to the door. What I did know was that as soon as I set her feet down on the floor, she gathered her clothes and went into my bathroom. When she emerged ten minutes later, she was completely composed as if that wasn’t fucking unbelievable.
My balls ached just thinking about it.
But she’d walked out of my office like none of that shit had mattered.
What was worse, I knew the Spanish Inquisition was coming. There was no hiding her reemergence from East. And East gossiped more than any woman I knew, so he’d tell Drew and Bridge immediately today at our weekly team meeting, and they wouldn’t hold back.
Surprisingly though, it wasn’t East who started in with the questions. It was Bridge.
The moment I walked in, I could practically see them mentally clapping their hands together, rubbing them with glee at my impending discomfort. “Mate,” Bridge said, grinning. “First of all, you shagged her?”
I gritted my teeth together. “Honestly, are we going to gossip like schoolgirls?”
East chimed in then. “Yep, he’s shagging her now.”
I rubbed the back of my neck. “You two are wankers. Do you know that?”
Bridge shrugged. “I’m happily coupled. I need my gossip from somewhere.”
Shaking my head, I slouched in my seat. “Don’t we have clients to discuss?”
Bridge shook his head. “No client we have right now is as important as this information. She’s well and properly miffed with you, mate.”
“Did you really not tell her?” East asked as he leaned forward, his elbows on his knees.
I wanted to crawl out of my own skin. As angry as I was with her for copying the drive, Livy was right; I had kept the details from her. I hadn’t told her even half of what was truly going on. I kept her in the dark. At the time, I’d told myself I was keeping her in the dark for her own safety. But I knew better. I’d been covering my tracks. And now those ambitions had come back to bite me in the arse. “Yeah, I didn’t exactly tell her.”
East sat back. “Mate, I’m not the wanker. You are.”
I scrubbed a hand up my face. “Yeah, I know. I fucked up.”
Bridge just chuckled and twirled a pen between his fingers. Dexterous and fluid, he didn’t drop it. Hell, he wasn’t even looking at his hand or the pen. That ability had made him a particularly skilled pickpocket when he was young. “The question is, now will she ever let you shag her again?”
“You know, that’s not helpful.”
He shrugged. “Helpful or not, that’s the truth of it. How are you going to fix it?”
Wasn’t that the question?
Because that angry shag in my office yesterday certainly wasn’t going to fix things. All it had done was make me want her more with the kind of fiery burning in my lungs that I couldn’t escape. I’d managed to avoid her this morning, but that was sheer luck. Subconsciously, my body and brain sought her out. I’d walked by her office on my way down to this meeting, and I’d sent her several emails without even intending to, really.
I deliberately delayed getting ready this morning to try to leave with her, only to find that she’d left without me. And the worst part of it was that I basically had a semi-erect cock ninety-nine percent of the time. Always primed and ready for action on the off chance I got to see her in the coffee room, or the kitchen, or when she was bent over her desk in her office. God, what the hell was wrong with me? “There is something I need to tell you though.” East and Bridge both leaned forward, hoping for something juicy to sink their teeth into. “She made a copy of the drive.”
East’s eyes went wide. “Come again?”
Bridge’s gaze narrowed to slits. “Livy, our Livy, made a copy?”
I nodded slowly. “Yep. Apparently, she didn’t trust me about what information was on the drive. So she made a copy and had her friend Telly, who owns Brinx Technologies, try to take a look at it.”
East ran his hands through his hair. “Jesus fucking Christ. That drive has all the names of the Elite. The potential names of the Five. Important information that certain people don’t want to get out. Fuck. There are tripwires all over that damn thing. You go snooping on the wrong area and it either erases the drive or sends some kind of alert somewhere.”
“Yeah, tell me about it.” I pushed to my feet and started pacing the length of Bridge’s office. “I’m so fucking angry with her.” I blasted out a frustrated sigh. “It doesn’t stop me wanting her though.”
Bridge gave a mirthless chuckle then. “Yeah, welcome to the world of women. Sometimes you want to choke them and fuck them at the same time.”
East lifted a brow. “Mate, neither one of us wants to know about your kinks. No judgment, but asphyxiation? Come on.”
Bridge sputtered. “Arsehole, you know that’s not what I meant.”
East held up both hands. “Like I said, no judgment.” Then he waved his hands in front of his face and winked. “Except all the judgment.”
Bridge scowled at him and said, “For all we know, she could have brought this on herself. Tripped something that she wasn’t supposed to.”
East frowned. His brow furrowed as he thought it through and rubbed the stubble on his jaw. “I don’t know. Telly, hasn’t had any problems, right?”
I shook my head. “No. Not to my knowledge. She seems perfectly safe.”
“Yeah, and if something was tripped, they’d be all over her.”
I winced. “Well, actually, she had a friend help her.”
Both of them cursed then. Bridge’s voice was barely above a growl when he said, “Jesus fucking Christ, how many people are up in this business now?”
“She knows some proper white-hat hacker with black-hat skills. It’s not like he’d be careless, and Telly didn’t report anyone being all over his arse either. So I don’t think it was the drive.”
East sat forward. “I mean, are we back to the suspicion that Livy’s dangerous to us?”
I frowned at that. The thing was that I knew her. To the bone. To the core. She wasn’t after us. She was just looking for her own insurance. “No. She made a dumb mistake, but she was just looking out for herself, covering her arse. After all, she didn’t know us. She didn’t know she could trust me. I had put her in danger. How was she supposed to trust me?”
East nodded. “Yeah, I suppose you’re right. All right, I’ll just do a quick look-see at Telly Brinx. I also need the name of her mate.”
I shook my head. “All I know is that it was Matthias something or other. That’s all Telly told Livy.”
Bridge raised his hands. “All right, so East will look into Telly Brinx and see if he can find out anything about her friend, I guess. Then where does that leave us and everything else we have planned?”
I shook my head. “We have no choice; we have to keep going after Van Linsted. Keep moving the plan along as much as we can. We don’t have much time left.”
He nodded slowly. “We need another meeting with Lucas.”
“I agree. Jessa’s due back here soon. I’ll get her to bring Roone. Lucas is already coming, so we’re going to move this forward as quickly as possible. Roone is skilled in surveillance. I want him keeping tabs on Marcus Van Linsted. I don’t trust the old coot.”
Bridge’s voice was low when he spoke. “Mate, at this point, we can’t trust anybody. Including the one person you’re protecting. We need to watch our backs, you, most of all. Because right now, it looks like she has you in the palm of her hand.”
“I’m not in her palm.”
Yes, you are. She owns you.
I shoved that thought aside. “I guarantee you she’s not involved in this.”
Bridge shook his head. “I’m not saying she is. Hell, I don’t think she is. But every move she makes
, someone somewhere is watching. We just have to figure out who because we’re missing a key piece. Sure, she could be in danger because of us. We accept that. We understand that. But what if that’s not the complete picture? Some action she’s taken could be causing all this. We have to protect her against an unseen enemy, which is going to be one hell of a task.”
He was right. We still weren’t sure of anything. “We need to figure it out. She’s counting on us.” I’d already let her down once. I didn’t have any intention of letting her down again.
The two of them exchanged glances.
“What are those looks for?”
East just grinned. “It’s just nice to see you care about another woman again. It’s been a long time.”
“Shut it.”
And then they both started humming a nursery rhyme about Olivia and me, kissing in a tree. Jesus Christ. One of these days, I was going to upgrade those two for more mature friends.
7
Livy
To say I couldn’t sleep was an understatement. With every whisper of the wind, every skittering sound in the townhouse, every honk of the cars on the streets outside, my adrenaline spiked. I knew what was happening. I was having some residual nightmares from the attack. It wasn’t so much that they were nightmares, but visceral mental images that didn’t allow me to close my eyes for very long.
I shoved the sheets off, refusing to go out into the main area for some tea or warm milk because…what if Ben was still up?
Your pride is going to get in your way.
God, I could handle this. So what if I’d had to run from his loft as if the devil himself was chasing me? So what if I’d come within scant centimeters of losing my life? I could take it. I was strong.
What I couldn’t take was the visceral, physical response to that memory. I could feel the hand over my mouth, pressing deep into my cheeks, threatening to tear flesh from bone.
I could smell the acrid blend of antiseptic-like soap, cologne, and sweat. With every sound, I relived the way my mind had slowed that night. The way my heart beat, every smell, every touch, every breath, every sense of him. That was the part I couldn’t let go of. I wasn’t even really afraid of being in Ben’s house, because a house was just a house, but the feeling that lingered and followed me was what I couldn’t shake.
As I paced, I tried to practice deep breathing like the therapist recommended after Mom died, tried to calm my mind, to tell myself that despite my racing heartbeat, I was not, in fact, going to die. Tried to calm the nerves that told me, yes, I heard scrapes and skittering somewhere in the house, but it was just Ben moving around, and not somebody coming to get me. That grip I felt on my cheeks and jaw, was a figment of my imagination. None of it was real. I had to breathe through it, realize that, and let it go. And I could do that myself.
Sure you can. How is that working out?
Oh, Jesus Christ, if I wanted sweet oblivious sleep, I was going to have to take a sleeping pill. As much as I didn’t want to, it was a necessity. Tomorrow was going to be a hell of a day. I had piles of work to do for Jessa. Not to mention, she was finally coming into the office. She only came in about once a quarter, so this would be my first time meeting her in person. I wanted to impress her, and walking around like a zombie was not going to cut it.
Ugh, damn it.
I grabbed my robe then eased open my bedroom door. As far as I could tell, it was silent in the house. There was no light in the hallway that led to the kitchen, which meant all the sounds I’d been hearing were imagined.
Told you so.
Sure, that meant that they weren’t real, but I still couldn’t help the feeling. The worry.
Was I going to get over this?
As soon as you accept that it happened.
I was dealing with it the best way that I knew how. Shoving it down and not talking about it because feelings weren’t on the menu right now.
Okay, if that works for you.
My subconscious was having a field day.
My bare feet made the trek from my bedroom into the main living area that included the kitchen, great room, dining room, study and library. The hardwood floor was cool as my bare feet made a slight shuffling sound with every step. I opted for the warm glass of milk, pouring a large glass and sticking it in the microwave. The chamomile would work just as well, but I didn’t want Ben to hear the kettle going.
While the milk warmed, I leaned against the counter, closing my eyes, trying to force deep breaths despite my lungs’ insistence that they stay shallow and panicked.
I knew what was coming. A panic attack was waiting for me. Waiting to grip me, immobilize me, and render me useless for however long it needed to, and I needed to fend it off. I was not going to be the one who broke down. I could do this. I had fucked up, and there was nothing to cry about.
Uh-huh.
The microwave beeped. I pressed the button on the console for the microwave to slide out. I retrieved my milk and set it on the counter. Then I reached in the pocket of my robe for the sleeping pills. I didn’t have to take a whole one, so I cracked one in half, and then half again and took that little sliver. I only needed a little bit of help falling asleep. Just enough to quiet my mind.
I washed it down with half the glass of milk and sighed, willing it to start working immediately.
“You know, gripping the counter like that while drinking warm milk sort of defeats the purpose. You need to relax.”
I whipped around, sloshing some of the milk onto the counter. “Jesus Christ, Ben!”
“Yeah, I didn’t know you were still up.”
I reached under the sink for a rag, wetting it slightly before trying to wipe at the counter. His hand reached out to stop me. “Livy, it’s not important. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong. I’m fine.”
His gaze searched me, as if looking for injury. Why did he always do that?
“You’re not going to see anything wrong with me. I am fine.”
“Yeah, that’s why you’re up at midnight drinking warm milk and, from the looks of it, taking a sleeping pill.”
“I don’t need your judgment.”
“I’m not judging you. I’m asking you what’s wrong.”
“And I’m telling you I’m fine. I just need to get some sleep.
I expected him to let go of my hand, to go back to his room and leave me be. But I don’t know why I expected that. This was Ben, the most stubborn man on the face of the planet.
“You can do that. Pretend you’re fine, hell, even lie to yourself. But know that I can see you. I know you’re not fine. I can tell from the tick of your jaw, the way you grind your teeth. I can tell by the way you’re distracted. Far away. You’re not okay.”
“What, so you’re an expert on me now?”
“No, I’m not an expert. I learn something new every day. But I know when something is wrong with you. Just talk to me. Look, forget everything that’s happening between us. Pretend I’m a friend if you have to.”
I needed to get away. I needed to walk away from this conversation and go cry in my room like a normal person. But those tears were now behind my lids, and I knew I wasn’t going to make it. I knew I couldn’t contain them. His hand was so warm, the heat of him emanating from him into me from that simple touch, and I felt safe and secure. And I was so tired of holding everything together by one thin thread.
And so I broke. First with one tear and then another. And then they flowed freely, streaming down my face onto my robe and my night shirt. At first, I tried to wipe them away. But there were too many of them. And then they couldn’t get out fast enough, and I sobbed and jerked as they flowed.
Before I knew what was happening, Ben wrapped me in his arms, tucking me into his body with a solid warm hug. I fought against him. I didn’t want his comfort, didn’t want his attention. I didn’t want any of this. I struggled in his hold, but he shushed me.
“Easy does it. I’m not letting you go. And this, this doesn’t mea
n anything if you don’t want it to. This doesn’t mean that I’m in control of you. This doesn’t mean you’re not strong. It doesn’t mean anything. It only means that you needed a hug and I was here. That’s all. Take the hug.”
I shook my head and tried to push him off. I wanted to be free. Free from him, from the pull he had on my body, my mind, and my soul. I wanted to be free of the fear. I just wanted to be let go. But he wouldn’t let me go. He wouldn’t walk away, and I wasn’t strong enough to either.
“That’s it. Let it out.” His big hands smoothed over my back, easing up my neck under the silk bonnet I had tied around my hair as he gently massaged the muscles up into the base of my neck, easing the tension, relaxing me. “I want to hold you, and I just need you to accept it. When you feel like this, I’m here. This isn’t about what happened between us today. This isn’t any different from the first time we went out when you needed someone to spread the ashes with you. This is a no-judgment hug scenario. So just let me take care of you.”
And because I was so damn tired, exhausted from the force of holding it all in, I let the thread snap and eased into his hold. And for the first time in several days, I didn’t feel completely alone.
Ben
The thing about having mates that knew you from childhood, was that they were impossible to hide from.
I left the house early, giving explicit instructions for Erik and his team to update me on Livy’s movements.
Stalker much? I might as well have put a GPS on her ass at that point before I lost my mind and we had another incident like the one in my office.
A hum ran through my body just thinking about it. Christ.
I hadn’t been kidding when I said that we weren’t done. But I knew Livy. She had to come to me. She was the one who had to come to the realization. And she was being stubborn at the moment. And then of course I still had to deal with my own irritation that she’d made a copy of the drive. What the fuck had she been thinking?
She was thinking that someone had slipped her something and she didn’t know what it was.
