by Alice Moore
“It doesn’t sound stupid, James. And for what it’s worth, I don’t really notice your leg. And your buddies- your tours- they make you who you are. That’s nothing to be ashamed of, so there’s no reason to pity you for it.” Truth rang in my voice, and James glanced up with a bit more of a genuine smile. My chest tightened, and I lifted my camera to capture the moment. He was sweet, and his eyes searched through my lens before he returned to his work.
James
“-ames! James! Wake up!” Jerking up to sit, I sucked a sharp, ragged inhale as Caroline’s concerned face filled my vision. Her firm hands cupped my cheeks, and I bit down hard on my inner cheek as my teeth chattered wildly. Gasping for air, I blinked hard as the vestige of my nightmare clung to the darkness at the edge of my vision. “You’re okay… deep breaths. It was just a nightmare, James.”
Licking my dry, cracked lips did nothing to moisten them, and I wrapped my palm around my neck to feel my burning throat. Sweat slickened my skin, and Caroline cooed and shushed softly as she held my face with her gentle touch. Her words didn’t really breach the fog in my mind for a few seconds, and I shook my head hard as I tried to calm my racing heart.
“It was real- Caroline, I-“ Taking a huge breath through my nose, I let my hand fall only to start shaking, rattling all the way to my elbow. “I- It was real. I was there- here- t-“
“Shh-… Relax, James. I’m here.” My bedroom lights were on, dull and a dusty gold, and I stared at Caroline’s pale face. Despite how empty my mind was, my fingers found their way around her waist. Sitting on the edge of my bed, she stroked my cheekbones with soft thumbs that helped me regain some control.
Letting my head fall on her shoulder, I relished her heat against my forehead while her fingers swept into my hair. The comforting gesture made my eyes sting and my nose clog, and I tightened my grip on her hips and clenched my jaw tightly.
“… Do you have nightmares every night?” Caroline’s gentle probe caused my lungs to stutter, and I hiccupped a breath in answer. Stroking my head soothingly, she hummed softly in my ear before her voice wrapped me in its cocoon again. “I heard you talking in your sleep… about someone torturing a woman… you said something about a baby. Is that what happened, James? In that room?”
“Sh- she… she was a druggie… and Frank- Frank is a fucking psycho, Caroline… He- he did… things- he k- killed her…” I realized in some small part of my mind that I wasn’t making sense to her, but Caroline still acted like she understood. Scooting closer, she wrapped her arms around my shoulders with a small sigh that dried the sweat on the nape of my neck.
“That’s not your fault, James.”
“But I knew…” Slithering around her waist, my arms trembled almost as badly as my voice, and I took a shuddering, shallow breath. “I knew- I knew he was messed up… but… but I did it anyway.”
“But it’s not your fault. Sometimes good people can’t help but do terrible things, but that doesn’t mean you’re terrible, James. It was this Frank guy’s baby, right? It’s his fault- he made the choices, not you.” Finally, my heart didn’t feel like it’d squeeze between my ribs, and I dug my forehead into Caroline’s shoulder in a bare nod. “Do you want to talk about it? I get the general gist of it, but if you want to talk, I’ll listen.”
“… I- She… she detoxed h- here. And the screaming- I never… I never heard anything like that... Always screaming… constantly unless Frank knocked her out because she couldn’t sleep…” Sputtering slightly, I sniffled hard to catch a whiff of Caroline’s natural body odor. Taking a deeper breath, I held her smell in my lungs before my body couldn’t handle the pressure. “A whole week it took her t- to detox completely… I had to be here… I- I didn’t want Frank to hurt his baby… or her. But… in the end… he- he just stabbed her in the neck… I’ve heard that before- the gurgling and gasping… but that was different.”
“Oh, James…” Carefully Caroline lifted my head, and my quivering muscles did nothing to resist her. Tilting into her touch, I gulped down the tight, burning lump in my throat as her breath flowed down my cheeks. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that.”
“I chose to… I could’ve said ‘no’- should’ve said ‘no’.” Mumbling softly, I cracked open aching eyelids to stare at Caroline’s sparkling orbs. “I chose it. I- I wanted to know the worst parts about Frank… I thought I could handle it… but- but he’s…”
I couldn’t even think of a word to describe Frank, and Caroline nodded with a slight frown dragging down the corners of her mouth.
“Don’t worry, now. He’s not here anymore, James. How about I go get you some water, okay?” Leaving my face, Caroline’s fingers wrapped around my biceps to push gently, and I forced myself to relax my grip. Slowly she shuffled into her wheelchair, and I reached to rub my face with the butts of my palms as she wheeled herself out of my room.
This was getting out of control, I realized. If Caroline heard me all the way from the living room, beyond my closed door, I had to be yelling.
“Fuck-“ Swiping back my hair, I tossed off the blankets and threw my legs over the edge of my bed. Propping my elbows on my knees, I held my face in my hands to contemplate the shit storm I’d made of my life. Not to mention I dragged Caroline into my shit…
“You might not feel all that great right now, James, but you’ll feel better in the morning. Talking helps, no matter why you don’t want to share.” A cold bottle pressed against my forearm to accompany Caroline’s soft words, and I lifted my heavy head. Her small smile was almost heartbroken, and my heat squeezed at the sight. She couldn’t understand, but she knew that; she only felt what was in her capacity.
Taking the bottle with an unsteady hand, I twisted the top and let it fall to the floor. The cold water gorged my taste buds, banishing the dryness in my throat as I chugged half the contents. Heaving a sigh, I shook my head absently as she watched me intently.
“Thank you, Caroline.” Croaking out my gratefulness, I caught her gaze and held it. Caroline only smiled a bit wider, and after a moment I leaned back to roll my shoulders. Hundred-pound weights had been lifted from my chest, and I took a deep, steady breath through my nose.
“You’re welcome, James. Do you want me to stay with you?” Reluctance seeped into my bones, and I pursed my lips together before nodding slowly. Caroline smiled wider, and she reached for the brakes of her chair and spoke up. “I’ll tell you one of my favorite stories. It’s Jack and the Beanstalk.”
“I’m not a kid, you know.” Saying those four, tiny words made me feel small and childish, and Caroline arched both her brows. Rolling my eyes, I set the water bottle on the floor to shuffle onto my bed.
“You want me to just sit here awkwardly in silence, watching you try to fall asleep, like a creep? No. Now shut up. It’s story time. One day, in a magical land, there lived a boy named Jack…” Staring at my pointedly, Caroline smirked widely as she began her story. Laying down stiffly, I covered my lower half and propped my head on my arm before closing my eyes. “He lived on a farm, and was very poor. All he wanted to do all day was dream about being a knight of his kingdom, and having all of the glory that came with it…”
Caroline’s voice washed away my episode, as if it’d never been. No ghosts clung under my eyelids, and my ears didn’t buzz with phantom screams. Slowly my muscles unwound as she described her characters with an ease that came from practice. Goosebumps rose on my skin when I heard a dreamy lilt in her words, as if she wished she had such a fanciful life.
“… and Jack had almost made it to the market square before he saw the princess’s procession. Everyone around him ducked their heads, but he craned his neck to catch a glimpse of the woman inside the litter. He saw dark curls and a face that was smooth and the color of cream. He tightened his grip on the rope keeping his cow from running away, and in that moment, he made a decision. His desire to be a knight peaked when he saw who he could be protecting…”
My scope of comprehension narrowed as
Caroline weaved her tale, and I found myself missing small portions.
“’Beans?’, said Jack. ‘I don’t need no beans. I need money. Unless you got five silver pieces, go away.’ But the man only smiled and shook his head. ‘No, boy. I got magic beans. Worth more than a hundred gold pieces- a thousand silver pieces. I’ll trade you my beans for that cow.’…”
Caroline
Breakfast was quiet, and the Army ration tasted worse than usual. Staring blankly into space as I shoveled food into my mouth, I couldn’t seem to get rid of the frown on my face. Sitting next to me on the couch, James was tense and distracted, and I swallowed my bite harshly before opening my mouth.
“Are you going to be okay, James?” We’d avoided talking about my departure since we woke up, and I winced at how shaky my voice was. If I was being honest with myself, I didn’t feel comfortable leaving James alone. I’d only just began to scratch the surface of what haunted him, and now I was leaving. My gaze flickered to the satellite phone that sat on the coffee table, and I pursed my lips together.
Last night, after James fell asleep, I had half a mind to call my dad and tell him not to come. I couldn’t just abandon something I’d just started. James didn’t deserve that. Despite the guilt that ate away at my gut, I couldn’t find the courage to call.
It was such a shitty feeling.
“I’m 37 years old, Caroline. I can deal without being babysat.” James’ nasty tone struck a chord in me, and I sucked in a sharp breath. Twisting to glare at him, I watched through narrowed eyes as he scowled darkly into his ration bag. He had a rather large rod shoved up his ass this morning, and I wasn’t really in the mood to deal with it. Sleeping in a wheelchair wasn’t nearly as comfortable as it seemed, after all.
“That’s not what I meant, and you know it. Don’t be such an ass. I’ll come back if you want once my ankle’s better. Or did you forget that I have broken bones?” Shooting me a glare of his own, James scoffed as I tightened my grip on my breakfast. The bag squelched softly, but it wasn’t noticed under the hot, intense atmosphere that swirled between us.
“I didn’t fucking forget. Don’t get pissed at me for something that was going to happen anyway. You were never going to stay here more than a couple of days- we both knew that. If you weren’t so fucking nosy, I wouldn’t be pissed off.” Clenching my jaw, I couldn’t deny that James was at least partly right. This wasn’t a lasting arraignment, and we did know that, even if I didn’t want to acknowledge it. Letting out my breath sharply, I dropped my spork into my bag to set it on the coffee table.
“Well, sorry for trying to help you, James. You’re a grown ass man- you can’t blame this entirely on me. You’re just as capable of calling 911 as I am. If you didn’t want me around, you could’ve called at any time.” Snapping back, I crossed my arms over my chest with a huff. “I should’ve called when I woke up and spared you the misery of some fucking company.”
“Fuck you, alright? I brought you here out of my own volition and you fucking pick my brain like it’s your job.” A harsh gasp flew from my throat, and I clenched my hands into tight fists as James snorted. Red started to seep into the corners of my vision, a lump forming in my throat that labored my already hot, shallow breaths. “I could’ve ignored your damn dog and you would have one less foot right now. And you haven’t even thanked me. So, don’t act like you’re God’s gift to me to make me see the light.”
“You’re an asshole, you know that?” I was going to choke on my own anger if I spoke another word, and James rolled his eyes. Pushing himself up roughly, he snatched my discarded bag to storm into the kitchen. Squeezing my eyes shut tightly, I scrunched up my face in an attempt to calm down. Forcing myself to take big breaths, I counted slowly to ten before speaking up.
“I am grateful to you, James- I really am…” What else could I say? The question had no answer, and I unfurled my arms to rub my palms together while my brain churned. “I just… I don’t know. I don’t want to leave you out here with nobody. It’s not good for you.”
“I can leave whenever I want and rejoin society. Just because you know doesn’t mean you have an obligation to watch over me, Caroline.” James was right behind me, and I lifted my head as his hands came down on my shoulders to squeeze gently. “After my last deployment, I came home and did nothing for years. I bought this house because of Frank, but you said it yourself last night- he’s not here. I’m going finish what the people before me started. Who knows… maybe it’ll be something I’m good at?”
“I think you would be. And you can always call me if you want to. I can come ba-“ A shrill beeping cut me off, and I flopped my head forward to look at the phone on the coffee table. Rolling my lips between my teeth, I shivered slightly when James released my shoulders. Leaning to grab the device, my body ached in protest at the knowledge of who was calling.
My dad wanted directions, which meant he was on his way.
“Hello?” Part of me rejoiced to hear my father’s voice, but the soft creak of the floors when James walked around the couch staunched any smile that threatened to breach my lips.
“Hey, CareBear. Do you have any way of getting me where I’m going? I’m about to reach the campsite exit in about a mile.” Glancing at James as he sat on the couch, I held my breath before lifting the phone from my ear. He took it wordlessly, staring at it to take a deep breath through his grim expression.
Drowning out their conversation, I stared at my lap as my mind worked at a steady pace. I shouldn’t feel so bad for leaving, I knew; James would’ve never came into my life if I hadn’t been stupid and left my tent after dark. It should’ve been easy to slip out of his just as I’d arrived.
But my stupid self went and made it complicated.
“He’ll be here in half an hour.” Humming softly at that, I clasped my hands in my lap while James set the phone back on the table. “Don’t feel bad, Caroline.”
“I promise to come back, though…” My response was pathetic, and James shuffled to sit directly next to me. His body was warm, the muscles in his arm hard against mine, and I rested my head on his shoulder with a sigh.
“It’ll take at least six weeks for that to heal. Your fractured ankle should be good in half that. Maybe I’ll call you up and we can make plans for the house?” Nodding silently, my heart squeezed at how long it’d take to fix my idiocy. Six weeks might as well have been a lifetime after what happened these past two days.
One moment I closed my eyes, and the next I heard the familiar sound of my dad’s truck outside. Stiffening, I opened my eyes to turn to James. His lips were a thin line, pupils restricted and face pinched, and I held my breath as he shrugged off my head.
Hauling himself off the sofa, James grabbed the grips on the wheelchair in front of me in silence. Shuffling carefully into the seat, my arms washed in goosebumps, and my fingers twitched as anxiety filled my veins. My heart beat hard, swelling and threatening to suffocate me even as I struggled to take even breaths. Kiki whined softly as she came up to me, and I pet her head gently before folding my hands in my lap.
“You never gave me your number.” Speaking up lowly, James’ voice wrapped around me to send a shiver down my spine. Licking my lips, I tried to keep my own voice from trembling as I rattled off my cell phone number. Slowly the wheelchair began to move, and my eyes stung lightly as he pushed me around the couch. My camera bag and back pack were already at the door, waiting, but I couldn’t do more than glance at them.
The finality of the situation hit me hard when James set my camera bag in my lap, and I clutched the canvas to my belly. I had over a hundred pictures of him on my memory card, and my mind sped to the future. These photos were going to be my treasure, my secret; even if James had given me permission to share them, I wouldn’t.
A hard knock on the door broke my trance, and I tensed in my seat as the barrier swung open. My dad wore a funny expression- something between anger and worry. Smiling up at him, guilt crept into my chest at how much I must’ve pu
t him through no matter how calm he’d sounded on the phone.
“You look like shit, CareBear.” Letting out a nervous chuckle, I shrugged at the observation before my dad turned his attention to James. Their standoff made me glad I was sitting; the hairs on the crown of my head stood up from whatever they were silently exchanging until my dad spoke up. “Thanks for taking care of her.”
“No problem. I set her ankle, but I’m not a doctor.” Those were the only words that passed between them, and my dad’s gaze flickered to me. Reaching for my back pack by his feet, he stepped into the house to take up position behind my chair.
The sun burned my face as I crossed the threshold, but I didn’t look back while my heart took up permanent residence in my throat.
Caroline
Four weeks later…
Rolling over in bed, I cracked my eyes open as my cell phone blared a shrill ring tone. The sound shattered the deep, still darkness of night, and I took a deep breath as I answered the call.
“Hello?” Even without reading the caller ID, I knew who had called me, and heavy breathing met my rasping greeting. “James… did you have another nightmare?”
Every night for the past month James called me, and I shuffled on my back to rub my bleary eyes. Sometimes, when he called, he didn’t even say anything; we were just quiet on the phone. Other times, he told me about his dreams, and there were times when I just told him that Jack and the Beanstalk story. The important thing was that he called, though; I didn’t even care that he woke me up. It wasn’t like I had a job I had to go to in the morning.
