The frustrating part was that neither of us acted on those feelings. And this lack of physical contact was driving me nuts. We’d only kissed a few times.
Kissed!
We’d come close several times lately but had always been interrupted, either by Mark and Sarah or by someone from the church. It’d happened a dozen times or more since I’d moved into the church apartment. Although he never spoke of it, I knew Drew felt as frustrated as I did. In some unexplainable way, I think we were both a little afraid of what would happen once we spoke openly about what we felt for each other.
I knew it would happen soon, though.
Loaded down with shopping bags, I plodded toward the church. As I started down the walkway to my apartment, I saw Drew walking between the church and the parsonage. Just from the way his shoulders were hunched forward, I knew something had happened. Quickening my pace, I hurried to meet up with him.
“Drew.” I called out his name, but he either didn’t hear me or had chosen to ignore my call.
Undeterred, I half trotted, the bags of groceries bouncing in my arms as I rushed to meet him.
“Drew,” I shouted, louder this time.
He looked up and seemed startled to see me. Right away he stopped and waited for me to join him. Pain was etched across his face.
“Shay.” My name was a tortured whisper.
I hoped he would share whatever had happened that had so clearly upset him. “I tried to catch you, but you didn’t hear me.”
He wiped a hand over his eyes. “Sorry…I’m a bit preoccupied.”
I hesitated, not wanting to pry but at the same time wondering if there was any way I could help. “Anything I can do?” I asked.
He looked as if the weight of the Great Wall of China was balancing on his shoulders. In all the time I’d known Drew, I’d never witnessed a look of devastation in his eyes, not the way I did now.
“I need to leave town for a few days.”
“Okay.” My biggest fear was that whatever this was, it had to do with what had happened to me. I shifted the groceries, their weight cutting into my forearms.
Automatically, Drew took the bags from me. I started walking toward my apartment. It was easier to ask when I didn’t need to look into his eyes. “This doesn’t have anything to do with Shooter, does it?” He placed his hand on my shoulder, stopping me.
“No. I just heard the news that a dear friend, a man I consider my mentor, has died.”
“Oh Drew, I am so sorry. Is this the man who you drove to Spokane to visit a few weeks back?”
He nodded and whispered, “Yes. Joe’s death was expected, but that doesn’t take away the shock of it.”
I unlocked the outside door and held it open for Drew. He set the bags down on the kitchen countertop. When he turned away, I saw tears glistening in his eyes. He pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’m grateful I had the chance to see Joe when I did.”
Clearly Joe was someone close and dear to Drew. It hurt me to see him in such deep emotional pain.
“Would you be willing to stay with Mark and Sarah for a few days?” he asked, making an effort to control his emotions.
“Of course.”
“Linda Kincaid would do it, but she’s done so much already for the children and me. I hate to rely solely on her.”
“Drew, I love Mark and Sarah. I’d be happy to stay with them.”
“Thank you.” The words sounded as if they were choked out.
It about killed me to see him grieving like this. Because I knew he was hurting, I didn’t question my actions and reached for him. I slipped my arms around his middle and held him against me, wanting to absorb his loss, take it away as best I could.
It took a couple seconds for him to respond. When he did, his arms circled me, crushing me against him, holding me so tightly that I found it hard to breathe. My ribs had healed, but his fierce embrace nearly caused me to gasp.
I felt the moisture from his tears against my neck and knew this show of emotion embarrassed him. That I could offer him comfort was enough. I gently rubbed his back, silently letting him know that I understood.
How long we stood with our arms around each other I couldn’t even guess. It might have been only a few moments or it could have been much longer. When he did release me, I noticed that his eyes remained red, but they were dry now.
“Thank you,” he whispered.
“When do you plan to leave?” I asked, brushing imaginary lint off his shoulders just for an excuse to touch him.
“As soon as possible.”
“This afternoon?”
He nodded. “I need to make a few calls and get someone to preach for me in the morning.”
“I’ll do it,” I joked.
That produced a smile, which was what I intended.
“Thanks for the offer, but I have a few contacts I’ll ask first. If all else fails, then you’re on.”
I knew he was teasing, looking for a way to lighten the mood. “Do the kids know?”
He shook his head. “Not yet. I got the word less than ten minutes before I saw you.”
“Go make your phone calls and I’ll pack up a few things to take over to the house with me.”
“Okay.” He started for the door, paused, and then turned back. His eyes were filled with purpose and intent. When he reached me, he gently took me into his arms and lowered his mouth to mine.
All these weeks I’d been waiting for this moment. Drew’s lips were on mine, warm, tender, demanding. I opened to him and wound my arms around his neck, standing on the tips of my toes, needing to be as close to him as possible. This was good. So very good. I twined my fingers in the short hairs at the base of his neck, loving the feel of him, the taste of this man who had my heart in the palm of his hand. I’d loved before, unwisely, and for all the wrong reasons. I’d never experienced love like this, a love that touched my heart but made its way into my soul. When he broke off the kiss, he braced his forehead against mine and looked deep into my eyes.
“I’ve wanted to do that for weeks.”
I smiled, letting him know that I’d been waiting all this time. I kept my hands at the base of his neck, treasuring these moments.
“I might serve God and the church, Shay, but I’m still a man and I want you so desperately it’s eating me alive.”
I grinned and leaned my forehead back against his. “I want you, too.”
He closed his eyes as though relieved. “I’ve hoped you did.”
He kissed me again and again, as if he couldn’t get enough of the taste of me. I didn’t know how anything could ever be this good. Closing my eyes, I drank in the scent of him, the unique blend of citrus and wool and something else I couldn’t identify.
“I’ll let the kids know you’ll be staying with them,” he said, as he reluctantly released me from his embrace and stepped back.
I nodded. “It won’t take more than a few minutes to put together a few things to take to the house.”
“Sleep in my bed,” he whispered. “I want to think of you being there while I’m in Spokane.”
“Okay.”
He maintained eye contact and sighed. “I need to go.”
“I know.”
His eyes drifted shut. “You have no idea how hard it is to leave you right now.”
He was wrong. I had a very good idea of how difficult it was, seeing as I was experiencing the same reluctance.
—
Thirty minutes later I was at Drew’s. Sarah raced to my side as soon as I entered the house. “Dad said you’re going to live with us.”
“Just while your dad is away.”
Sarah’s face fell as she gripped hold of my hand. “Did you know my uncle Joe died? He was old, more like a grandpa than an uncle. But he loved us and we loved him.”
I wrapped my arm around Sarah, gave her a gentle squeeze, and told her I was sorry.
“Hey, Mark,” I said, addressing the teenager who was on the floor in the living room in front of the t
elevision. The TV was on, but he was involved with his iPad.
“Hey,” he returned, without looking at me.
“Anything special you’d like for lunch?” I asked them both.
He shrugged and continued with his game.
“Spaghetti,” Sarah suggested.
“I hate spaghetti,” Mark muttered.
Rather than get involved in a sibling squabble, I suggested, “Why don’t I cook a dish everyone will enjoy? What do you think of tacos?”
“I like tacos,” Sarah said eagerly. She was already in the kitchen and took out a large frying pan from the drawer next to the stove.
Mark remained silent.
“Mark,” I said, attracting his attention. I walked over to where he lay and saw that he was playing Candy Crush. “Tacos okay with you?”
He shrugged. “I guess.”
“Do you have a better idea?” I asked, hoping to draw him into a conversation.
“Not really.”
“Then tacos it is.”
Drew came out of the bedroom with an overnight bag. He hugged Sarah and patted Mark on the shoulder. “You two be good for Shay.”
“I’m always good,” Sarah insisted righteously. “Mark is the troublemaker.”
Mark tore his gaze away from his game long enough to glare at his sister. “Am not.”
“Kids,” Drew said stiffly. “Do as I say. Shay doesn’t need to put up with your fighting, understand?”
Sarah nodded and Mark did, too, but with some hesitation.
“I’ll call once I reach Spokane,” he promised as I walked him to the door.
It was hard for me to let him go. I delayed him with a question. “You found someone to preach for you Sunday morning?”
He nodded. “Kevin Forester agreed to step in.”
Knowing Kevin as I did, I suspected it would be a wonderful sermon. “Drive carefully,” I urged.
Drew stood by the door, suitcase in hand. He lowered it to the ground and hugged me. “Thank you,” he whispered softly. As he drew back, his look was tender and warm.
“It’s all right if you want to kiss Shay,” Sarah announced, coming over to stand next to us.
We broke into smiles. It was nice to know we had Sarah’s permission.
Drew took full advantage of it, lowering his lips to mine and leaving me with a kiss that would stay with me long after he was out the door.
Joe’s funeral took place on Wednesday and I was back in the church office Friday morning. It’d been an emotional time. I’d connected with Shay and the kids every day while I was gone. Our conversations were short, but exactly what I needed to see me through the loss of my mentor and friend. Joe left a legacy through me and the other pastors he’d mentored through the years. He would not be soon forgotten.
I’d been in the office less than an hour when Linda Kincaid paid me a visit. One look at her and I knew something was on her mind.
“Good morning, Linda,” I greeted. Mary Lou had alerted me to the fact that Linda had asked to be notified once I was back.
“Morning,” she said, crossing her arms and getting straight to the point. “I understand you had Shay stay with the children.”
“Yes. Is there a problem?” Not that it was any of her business if she thought so. I wasn’t looking to be confrontational, so I kept my opinions to myself.
“It probably wouldn’t have been a problem if Sarah hadn’t told half the church that Shay had moved in and was now living with you.”
“She said what?” I hadn’t heard about this.
“You heard me right. And let me tell you that news spread faster through the church than spilled milk on a marble floor.”
Although this wasn’t funny, I had the almost irrepressible urge to laugh. I could just imagine what people were thinking and, knowing human nature, how eager they were to think it.
Linda shook her head and sank into the chair across from my desk. “I did my best to quell the rumors.”
“I appreciate that,” I assured her, and I did, while at the same time finding it amusing. Leave it to my innocent nine-year-old daughter to misconstrue the facts and lead others down the path of speculation and gossip.
“This is nothing to laugh about, Drew.”
“Oh come now, Linda, you mean to say you don’t find this a little bit funny?” She was taking this far too seriously. I’d always known her to have a good sense of humor, if not a bit dry. She could take a joke as well as the next person, or so I thought.
“The thing is, Drew, you need to be more careful.”
“Careful?” We’d already had this conversation once. As far as I was concerned, Shay had more than proved herself. “What do you mean?”
Linda exhaled a deep breath. “Don’t you see? By asking Shay to stay with the children, you put yourself in a vulnerable position. I like Shay well enough, and you know I love Sarah and Mark like my own grandchildren and love you like a son. That said, I’m going to speak frankly.”
“I wouldn’t expect anything less,” I said and gestured for her to continue. “I respect your opinion.”
“Everyone knows how you feel about Shay. You haven’t made any effort to hide your feelings. I’m happy for you, Drew. There’s been a real change in you since you’ve met Shay. You’re happier than you have been since we lost Katie.”
“Thank you. You’re right, I am happier and so are the children. Have you noticed the way Sarah clings to Shay? She’s made a world of difference in my daughter and in Mark, too.”
“I have seen the changes, and that’s why it pains me to say this.”
I gestured for her to continue. If there were issues I needed to resolve, I would face them head-on. I trusted Linda to be honest and direct with me.
I read the regret in her eyes and the serious look about her. Whatever had happened had my friend worried. I couldn’t believe Sarah’s innocent ramblings could have stirred up a hornet’s nest.
“You’re the spiritual leader of this church and the congregation looks to you to be their guide, both spiritually and morally.”
“Are you seriously asking about my physical relationship with Shay?” I asked, finding it almost humorous. I didn’t see how anyone could fault a few stolen kisses and misconstrue those kisses as falling down the slippery slope of sexual indiscretion.
“Heavens, no,” she returned, aghast. “It’s the impression, the implication that your involvement with Shay is improper for a man of your standing. She presents the near occasion of sin.”
“What?” I couldn’t help it, I laughed out loud. Near occasion of sin?
Linda’s cheeks burned a bright shade of red. “Drew, please, this is no laughing matter. The bottom line is that Shay isn’t the kind of woman any of us expected you to show an interest in, especially after Katie…”
The humor in me vanished. I took in a deep, calming breath, doing my best to remain composed. “That was below the belt.”
“Was it?” Linda asked.
“What do you expect from me?” I demanded, losing my cool.
“Not her.”
“Why?” I asked, genuinely surprised that we were even having this conversation. “Isn’t Shay Christian enough for you? If Christ was standing here this moment, do you have any idea what He would say, because I do. He’d look you straight in the eye and ask whomever among you was free from fault to throw the first stone.”
“I know what you’re saying, Drew—”
“I don’t think you do,” I said, cutting her off.
“I do, but there are others and they are disappointed in you. When Katie was alive—”
“Katie would have loved Shay. She would have thrown out the welcome mat and taken Shay under her wing.” To remain seated was impossible, and I rose to my feet and walked around to the front of my desk so that we could face each other eye to eye.
“Do you seriously believe Katie would want her children associating with Shay? Seriously, Drew.”
I did my best to put my personal feelings
for Shay aside and look at this from Linda’s viewpoint. From what she was saying, she wasn’t the only concerned voice, either. When I first met Shay, well over a year ago now, I wouldn’t have introduced her to my children. At Shay’s graduation ceremony, I’d hesitated to include Mark and Sarah. The reason I’d brought them was because I’d made the mistake of mentioning it to Sarah and she’d been eager to go.
Searching for a response, I thought about Katie and how she would feel having Shay associate with our children, and in that moment, I had my answer. I knew my wife. I deeply admired the way Shay cared about others, her willingness to volunteer wherever needed. A sense of peace came over me and I relaxed.
“I believe Katie would be the first person to love Shay because she had the ability to look for the good in others. That’s something she taught me and, Linda, there’s so much good in Shay. It hurts me that you and others in the church don’t see it the same way I do.” And Sarah. My nine-year-old daughter had recognized it in Shay from the beginning. How like her mother my daughter was. Until that moment I hadn’t realized it.
“I do see the good in Shay,” Linda countered. “But I’m only one person. There are others who are blinded by the fact that she has a felony record and spent time in prison.”
“I feel sorry for them,” I whispered.
“Drew, do you think I wanted to have this conversation with you? I felt it was necessary because I’m afraid what will happen in the church if you continue your relationship with her.”
That gave me pause. I took in a deep breath and realized that if it came to choosing between my role as pastor at Seattle Calvary and having Shay as part of my life, then as painful as it would be, I’d choose Shay.
“I appreciate everything you’ve told me. I know it hasn’t been easy. But I’ll take my chances.” I trusted that in time my church family would come to love Shay the same way they had Katie.
Linda took a moment to absorb my words. “I know Shay is working hard to prove herself.”
“Perhaps too hard. In time the church will notice how much of herself she’s given to this congregation, all the volunteer hours she’s put in despite her work and school schedule.”
Any Dream Will Do Page 20
