Cimmerian Shade: A Limited Edition Paranormal Romance & Urban Fantasy Collection

by Kiki Howell

  “Aaron, you’re not hurting me.”

  “But you looked like you were in pain. And I never want to hurt you.”

  She closed her eyes. “I...it’s a kind of pain, I guess. But it’s an ache I’ve never had before.” She opened her lids and her golden hazel eyes shone bright. “I ache for you...to touch me...to touch me more...to...I don’t even know what I want from you, but I ache with it. I can’t even articulate what it is. And it’s not that I’m a complete prude and don’t know how to say the words. Although, I am a bit of a prude, truth be told. But that’s not what this is about. I have such an ache for you that it’s bone-deep.”

  He stopped breathing as she talked and couldn’t find it within him to gasp for another breath. He wasn’t sure he wanted the seconds to tick by because while she’d been talking, her words had been so heartbreakingly honest, so full of passion, that he didn’t want the moment to stop. He also was scared because as she’d talked, it was as if she were unleashing something wild and animalistic within him. Every word undid a chink in a chain he’d kept to hold himself back.

  He was shaking as she slid even closer to him, her belly against his.

  “Aaron, you aren’t making me sick. You aren’t hurting me. I thought about it last night because I can’t stop thinking about you. And whenever the ache gets bad, especially deep in the bones of my back, that’s because you pulled away. Or I did. I think the only time I end up hurting is when we stop.”

  “Stop kissing and...?”

  She nodded. “It sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? But I think we should experiment.”

  He smiled, not able to help it, even as he shook from wanting her so much, as his cock grew harder and harder. “What kind of experiment are you talking about?”

  “Tonight, I don’t think we should stop kissing.”

  He straightened a little over her, not sure if she was teasing him or not. “Just kiss until the end of time?”

  “Or...” She bit her lip again, driving him crazy, which she knew as she wiggled her stomach against his hardness. “Or we could kiss until we...make love.”

  His solar plexus exploded with fantasies of being inside her, of making her come, of coming himself.

  He had to clear his throat a few times before he said, “But what if—”

  “I know you don’t want to hurt me.”

  “Yes, I never do. And what if...see, from my point of view, every time you stopped things, you had this terrible look.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “I don’t want you to be sorry. That’s the point. I never want you to be hurt or sorry you did something with me.”

  “I don’t think—”

  “Well, what if I’m averse to taking this risk for this experiment?”

  She wiggled against his erection again. “Are you sure you’re averse?”

  He smiled but put his hands on her shoulders, pushing her away. “My body isn’t exactly under my control right now, but, yeah, I’m averse. I never want to hurt you.”

  Her teasing, playful smile waned as she smoothed her palms against his face. “You beautiful man. Never did I think I’d find someone like you.”

  He closed his eyes, loving the feel of her soft hands against his cheeks.

  “Aaron, what if I promise to alert you if something hurts?”

  He opened his eyes, looking down at her. Damn, her eyes seemed even brighter. More breathtaking than ever. After shaking his head, she frowned.

  “What if I told you I thought something might hurt but doesn’t yet?”

  He inhaled.

  She giggled and jumped on her toes. “You’re considering it, aren’t you?”

  He licked his lips, wondering how he found the strength to say what he needed to. “But Adala, we can take things slowly. We don’t need to—”

  Her face twisted, turning sad again. “I know.” Then she shook her head. “No, I don’t know. I can touch you. I don’t know how or why, but I can touch you without killing you. And I love touching you. I want to touch you all the time now. When I’m not with you, I think of touching you. It’s such a little thing, being able to sweep my fingers through your hair. But it means so much to me.” She did exactly as she’d just said.

  “And I know there’s time. I know all about time. But, Aaron, I’ve waited to find someone like you for more than nine hundred years, someone who wouldn’t mind talking about elements of the mind and psyche, someone who would like to listen to all sorts of music and be as entertained as I am, someone who would read to me, someone who I could talk to all night. And I found you. I found you. I don’t know how or why, but here you are. Here I am. And time...there’s not enough of it, Aaron. There’s never enough of it. So maybe that’s why I’m greedy for you. Maybe that’s why, when you stop touching me, like yesterday, I hurt because I know there will never be enough time for what I want to do, which is just enjoy you, enjoy every inch of you, not just your body, which I do want, but also your mind...and your gallant heart.”

  He rushed down to meet her lips with his own. There was no more fighting it. No more waiting. No more talks of slowing down after that.

  She was right. There might never be enough time for enjoying her, for enjoying not just the pleasure they could have together, but the company of each other too. And why not start now?

  But he did pull away enough to say, “If something nags at you that you might be in a little bit of pain—”

  “Yes. Yes.” She lifted on her toes to be back at his face’s level. “I’ll tell you. But don’t stop. It hurts too much when you stop.”

  He lunged for her lips again, pressing them against hers almost in a bruising manner. But she didn’t protest. He tried to lighten up, but she held onto the back of his head, kissing him as hard as he’d done. He opened for her, her tongue in his mouth in a heartbeat.

  Vaguely, he recalled how she hadn’t exactly reciprocated his feelings. She hadn’t said she wanted to be with him. But she wanted him.

  Was it because he was merely the only man she could touch?

  He forced that thought away, remembering that she had said how much she appreciated him, a guy like him. He felt a little odd that it was him searching for confirmation about how she felt, rather than the other way around, which seemed to be a reversal of most male-female roles. Then again, since Adala was so much older than him, did any of that matter? After a few hundred years, were similarities and good sex the only things that mattered?

  He tried to concentrate on her kiss as she wrapped her arms around his neck again. It wasn’t hard to do. God, her enthusiasm for kissing was contagious.

  Maybe he should get to the bottom of if she wanted to be with him too, more than just sexually. But that kind of question could wait, he supposed.

  He adjusted her body, slightly turning hers away. She gave a protesting moan, but he reached down quickly, almost never breaking the kiss and scooped her in his arms. It was she who broke the kiss as she giggled.

  He strode to the stairs.

  “Where are you taking me?”

  “My lady wants me to never stop kissing her, so I’d better take her where we can keep kissing.” He paused as he glanced outside. Gus was in the shade of the shed, looking like he was napping where he stood. “What about Gus? He’ll be okay?”

  She shuddered. “You care about Gus. That’s so sweet.” She sighed, making him glance down. Her nipples were poking through her shirt, making him forget what he had been doing, what he’d even asked as she said, “Gus’ll be fine. We’ve talked for long periods before. So I’m sure, whatever it is we’ll be doing, however long, he’ll be okay.”

  “Sure?” Aaron’s voice was hoarse and raw. He wasn’t exactly certain he was talking about Gus any longer. Just one more time he needed to ask if she really wanted this, really wanted him. Yeah, him, of all men.

  It boggled the mind.

  She nodded and reached up to kiss his ear, pulling on his lobe between her teeth. He stumbled as he took the stairs, trying not
to moan too loudly as she kissed and bit him.

  As much as he was thinking about making love to Adala—to sexy, sweet Adala, who had waited hundreds of years for him—he couldn’t seem to stop thinking about the fact that he felt foolish. Because...he was still broken. He had panic attacks, but he hated even calling them that because, yeah, he had a hard time breathing in spaces, but it was so much more than that. He no longer wanted to be in public spaces. He no longer was himself.

  “I think I’ll take both jobs,” he said as he rounded his way to the top of the stairs, holding his precious cargo even closer, hoping she wasn’t noticing his worrying about himself.

  Her hands were in his hair and they stilled. She pulled away to look at him. “They both offered?”

  He nodded. “Yeah, I’ll be working a lot. But...I think that might be good for me.”

  Inside his room that wasn’t even his room, he set her back on her feet, feeling more embarrassed. This wasn’t his house. He didn’t own it. He wasn’t even paying rent. Hell, he didn’t own a car but walked everywhere.

  He was getting to a point of accepting who he had become after Afghanistan. But he couldn’t when he thought of making love to Adala, and how he couldn’t possibly be good enough for her.

  Yeah, he’d been living in a fairy tale, all right. Mack would call him out on it, and—

  She gently held onto his cheeks, making him look at her. “Where are you?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You’re not with me. I see that in your eyes. You’re somewhere else.”

  He gritted his teeth, backing away from her. “I can’t do this.”

  She pulled away from him, wrapping her arms around her middle, looking small and vulnerable. “You don’t want me?”

  He ran his fingers through his hair, wishing they were her fingers, loving her touch, yet feeling ashamed because he wasn’t who he should be for her. “Fuck, of course I want you. I just...”

  She shook her head, looking impatient for him to talk.

  But he couldn’t figure out the words any longer. With her, he’d told her everything. He’d trusted her instantly. He’d never done that before, trusted another so soon. But she listened to him. She’d been so good to him, for him.

  “Do you want to ride Gus with me? Maybe talk about it on the ride?”

  He glanced at her. She still had her arms around herself, as if she were hurting and needed to console herself. Maybe she was. It might look like he was rejecting her. But that was the furthest thing from the truth.

  He gently clasped onto her arms. “I’m thinking too much.”

  “About your jobs?”

  “About the fact that right now I don’t have a job. I don’t have anything.”

  “I don’t care.”

  “I do. I’m supposed to give you things. Provide. Make you feel protected and safe. But I can’t.”

  “What? Why do you say that? I can protect myself, Aaron. I just touch a human and they die. Except you.”

  “That’s not what I mean.”

  “Tell me—” She gasped, interrupting herself. Her eyes were big and round. “Wait, you said you want to provide for me?”

  “Yes.” He scrubbed his hands over one side of his face, feeling his whiskers although he’d shaved a few hours ago. He’d shaved just for this, thinking with his dick like he was sixteen instead of in his thirties. He’d been living like a teenager too, living in a huge and beautiful house he hadn’t worked for, hadn’t earned. “It’s just that a man needs to—”

  She touched his chin, startling him for some reason. “I’ve been an outsider to your human world for so long. I’ve looked in and watched you, watched the patterns, wondering why you do the things you do. So please know that I don’t mean any disrespect for my lack of understanding. But I have to ask—because you seem so far away from me right now, not like you—do you think me someone different from who I am? Now that we’re contemplating making love?”

  He swallowed, not sure if he understood, afraid he knew exactly what she was asking too.

  Because maybe from her point of view it was simple. They were attracted to each other. They liked each other. What more to life is there than that?

  She shrugged. “I don’t own any land. I’m sure if I asked the Norns, they’d offer me something. We don’t exactly buy things though. I’m not sure how the Norns do what they do. They bought Sam her house, where she and Luke are living now. I’m accustomed to your human ideas about money, but I’ve never had to worry about it. So maybe I’m not understanding on that level.”

  He gritted his teeth, watching her try to figure him out when he wasn’t sure what his deal was himself.

  She took another step away, wrapping her arms around herself again. He felt cold with her distance.

  “Maybe I don’t understand humans enough.” She looked away. “I’m sorry for rushing things.”

  He sighed. “No, I’m sorr—”

  She glanced up, her face stern and...maybe angry. Her black brows furrowed with two tiny lines above her nose. He loved those lines. Adored everything about her. God, why the fuck was he fucking this up so badly?

  “No, I’m not sorry.” She pointed a finger at him, her face getting more cross. “I know you. I know you’re being...different right now. Why? It’s just me. I want to make love to you. I think you do too. Why are you making this so difficult?”

  “Because, it’s not that easy.”

  “Oh, yes, it is.” She took a step closer, her finger still pointing at him, accusing him. “I’ve watched you humans. When you want something, you don’t let much stand in your way. Why are you trying to put something between us?”

  Out it came. “Because I’m not good enough, okay? Damn it, Adala. Can’t you see that? I have no job. The money I have is because I served. I don’t have anything to—”

  She clutched at his T-shirt, her small fists wound so tight her knuckles were turning white. “None of that matters. None of that matters. And I think you know that. I’ve told you about the things I’ve gone through.” Her chin trembled, her luscious golden hazel eyes filled with moisture again. “I’ve told you about my fingers being cut off, cauterized. The helplessness I felt as I was held against my will. How long it took until I could even...feel again because that experience made me so numb.

  “How I feel like an outsider amongst my own people. Oh, they try. They really do. But they hold me apart from them. They see me and worry it could happen to them. Only my sister has ever made me feel...accepted. Until you.” A tear surfed down her cheek, turning into a diamond as it fell from her jaw, softly fading into the thick carpet underfoot. “You accepted me. As is. And I hope you feel that I accepted you, because I do. I don’t need things. If I did, I’d ask and the Norns would give them to me. I don’t need anything from you, except your acceptance. That’s it. It’s that simple.”

  Still holding onto him, she added, “I’ve watched the way men and women treat each other. Honestly, I haven’t understood much of it. Almost everywhere, you humans try to make your relationships dualistic. Female versus male. Race against race. Moneyed against poor. And so on. But you know—I know you know this—that it’s not at all about that. In the middle of a tornado, or when the fire is encroaching at your door, it’s about holding each other’s hand and getting through. That’s it. It’s not about roles. It’s not about shoulds. It’s not—”

  He wrapped his hands around hers. “I know.”

  She stepped away and covered her mouth. “Oh my goddess, I just lectured you. I’m so sorry.”

  He stepped closer, taking her hands away from her face. “I think I needed it. I just—” he sighed. It was her, so he told her everything. “I had this idea, this expectation, I guess. That I wouldn’t be...here if I ever got into a relationship. That I wouldn’t be fucked up any longer. That I’d be able to breathe in public spaces again. That I wouldn’t need an online job because thinking about being around other people...well, I can’t do it. And I thought I
would be fixed by the time I...we...”

  She placed her hands on his chest. “You are fixed, Aaron. You’re perfect.”

  “I’m far from—”

  “Listen, you whippersnapper.”

  He chuckled at the expression.

  “I’ve been around for a while, you know? I know perfect when I see it.”

  “I think you’re a little biased.”

  She smiled. “Maybe I am.”

  He smoothed the gentle curve of her cheek. “I’m a little biased too. Toward you.”

  Her grin grew wide. “I hope so.” She licked her lips. “Aaron, will you make love to me? Or should we—”

  She didn’t need to ask him twice.

  He bowed his head, nodding, interrupting her by kissing her quickly. “Yeah, honey, my princess. I want you.”

  Chapter Fourteen

  IT WAS HARD to think when Aaron took her lips and caressed them with his own. Oh, the man could kiss. He seemed to have infinite patience as she caught onto his rhythm and motions.

  She had nowhere near the same kind of patience.

  Plunging her tongue into his mouth, she was filled with happiness when he moaned his approval. His tongue met hers. She tipped up on her toes, making their faces more even, and it seemed the perfect opportunity to press her body against his. He wrapped his big arms around her and growled.

  At that, she lost all sensibility.

  With her body and legs, she pushed him back until he thumped against a wall. He made a grunting noise, but she kept kissing him, coaxing his tongue into her mouth. He complied and she hummed a happy note. Whenever he touched her like this, kissed her so deeply, the energy bounced into her back almost painfully, but he held her tight, which seemed to minimize the uncomfortable feeling. In fact, when he pulled her even closer, held her so tight she could hardly breathe, all the unease melted into pure ecstasy.

  She wrapped her knee around his hip, something she’d seen an actress do in a movie. And it felt so right. So good when her clit bounced against his hardness. She tipped her head back.

  “Aaron.” She ground against him, amazed her hips had a mind of their own.