“Where the hell are we?” Kevin shivered against the sudden chill in the air. The downside to naturism.
“I don't know,” I admitted. “Never been here before. This is two steps away from my world.”
“What do we do now?” Tania asked.
“We wait,” I said. “We wait them out. They'll search the cottage we came into. Hopefully they'll only use the front door as we left it open for them. They might go out the back but they'll most likely search the back by going round outside from the front. They'll want to encircle the building.” Secure the perimeter, I thought. Like on Hawaii Five O. That was what they did, they secured the perimeter.
“I need a piss,” said the Pope.
“You'll have to wait,” I said. “Wait until they decide we've given them the slip and they've gone home.”
“This is like the orc tunnels on Golbanio,” Simon said. “I wonder how far this goes?” He started down the passage.
“Wait,” I said. “We need to stay together.”
Simon shrugged and stopped, his hand tracing the shapes in the walls.
We settled down on the floor and tried to relax. I figured a couple of hours would be all that was needed. The police could do a thorough search of Blair World Cottage in that time and they must surely decide we'd slipped away unseen. A couple of hours laying low then I could go round through the cottage twice and I'd be back where I belonged.
“I'm going for a piss,” announced the Pope and headed off down the passage.
“Wait,” I said. “Just a bit longer.”
“You can't negotiate with a bladder my age.” He disappeared round the slight bend in the passage.
“I'll go with him,” Simon said with barely concealed enthusiasm.
“Fine, but don't be long.” I gave up. They weren't my responsibility. If they wanted to disrupt the space time continuum by installing a Spiritist Pope into the Goblin Vatican then it wasn't my problem. I'd explain it to Aunt Flora later. I'd done my best and now they could all just get on with it.
We waited. We waited for ten minutes that became twenty minutes,
“They're not coming back, are they,” said Tania.
“Looks that way,” I said. “But they're not my problem.”
“You can't just leave them.”
“It's a cottage,” I said trying to convince myself of that fact as I stared down the strange passage. “Just a cottage. How does one get lost in a cottage?”
“Oh, I don't know,” Tania's tone dripped with sarcasm. “How about shoving your one-time lover through a door then abandoning her to the vagaries of an insane universe until she's convinced she's lost her mind and nobody seems to believe her and she ends up staring at the walls and screaming?”
I got the impression this was no longer about the Pope or Simon.
“Okay.” I stood and started cautiously down the passage. The walls continued to glow just enough to see where I was going. It twisted slightly to the left and continued its gentle downhill trajectory. I guessed I must have travelled further than the full length of the cottage. I paused. “Hello?” I listened. Nothing. I should just go back and leave them to it. I shuffled forwards a bit more and noticed the passage split in two. Oh, wonderful. “Hello?” I repeated then strained my ears at the silence. Nothing. I stared at the two passages. Were they just different areas of this place or did each lead to yet another universe? Which one? My hand folded instinctively round the little stone. It felt warm. I withdrew it from my pocket and studied it. The glow was brighter, more intense. Very odd. I moved my hand around and noticed the intensity changed as I moved it. Why hadn't I noticed that before? Perhaps it was the very low light here that made it more evident. I held my hand towards the two entrances and the glow held stable. I turned and held my hand to the passage I had just left, the glow brightened. I was just trying to fathom what this meant when I heard a noise behind me. Running feet. I turned and nearly collided with the Pope as he rushed headlong out of one of the passages.
“Quick!” he yelled. “Get out, quick. They're coming!”
“Who? And where's Simon?”
He pushed past me and headed up the passage that led to the front door. A moment later Simon appeared, not quite so panicked but still showing signs of alarm.
“We need to get out of here,” he said.
“Why? What is it?”
Simon followed the Pope while I stood for a moment staring into the passage from which they had just appeared. I saw nothing but I heard a faint sound, like someone slurping tea. It grew louder and I turned and followed the others.
“What on earth is that?” I asked as I caught them up by the front door.
“I'm not sure,” Simon said. “But I need a goblin net and some Witch Bane, preferably picked under moonlight.”
“No problem,” I said. “I'll just pop down to Tesco's.”
Simon scowled at me. “I think we should leave.”
“But there are police SWAT teams swarming all over the place out there.” I peeped out of the door to confirm my fears but couldn't see any Police. But it was so dark I don't think I'd have been able to see them if they stood two feet away.
“Well, do you want to argue with that thing without some Witch Bane handy? 'Cus I sure as hell don't.”
“Simon?” Tania said. “You do know that World of Warcraft isn't real, don't you?”
“So some say.”
The slurping noise behind us increased and was now accompanied by a snuffling noise. I pushed open the door again. Venture out there with the police possibly waiting to ambush us or stay here and face the tea-slurping snuffle monster?
“Come on.” I pushed the door open. “We can't stay here.”
We filed out quietly and I closed the door firmly behind us.
The night was absolutely silent and very dark as we felt our way round the walls to the rear patio doors. The lights were still on inside flooding the lawn as effectively as daylight. I crept as close to the patio doors as I could without stepping into the pool of light. A policeman stood in the centre of the room, he appeared to be trying to get his radio to work. I pushed myself back into the shadows. I just hoped that those inside would assume that the outside was being searched by those from the front. The patio doors slid open and my heart tightened as the policeman stepped out and into the garden. We all forced ourselves into a tight bundle against the dark wall, not daring to move.
A flare of light lit the policeman's face as he held a match to a cigarette. We waited while he stared into vacant space and smoked. The radio crackled and he threw the cigarette into the bushes near us then went back inside, closing the doors behind him. I risked peering through the glass doors. He had just finished playing with his radio then clipped it to his lapel and left the room.
We waited for about thirty minutes before venturing inside. I motioned for the others to stay back but they pushed so close behind me that I felt like I was leading a school outing crocodile.
We crept through the house. Everywhere was crisp and modern. An obscenity of stark lines and with minimalist art chosen for style rather than beauty graced each wall. We checked all the rooms and all seemed empty. The front door was still unlocked and I risked a peep outside. A police car sat in the drive and I briefly wondered how they'd managed to get it there. Two officers sat inside it illuminated by the courtesy light. They were facing the drive rather than the house. I shut the door again.
“It looks like they've decided we're not inside and seem to be waiting outside either for us to come back or a full search team to arrive. Dogs and stuff.” Something else I'd learned from Hawaii Five O.
“What do we do?” Tania asked. “We can't stay here.”
“We'll wait a bit longer,” I said. “At some point they'll wander off to stretch their legs or something.”
And so we waited. And waited. But the police vehicle sat stubbornly outside. Probably racking up lots of lovely overtime. Eventually I pushed the door open just enough to slip through. I star
ted as I felt something brush against my legs. A black cat slipped between my legs and disappeared into the garden. No monsters.
“Come on. If we're careful, we should be alright.”
The right side of the cottage was bathed in moonlight so we decided to go round the other way. We resumed our crocodile, this time adding our ninja creeping skills, and headed for the rear of the house. All was quiet and no sign of anybody. I unlocked the patio doors and they swung open. I pulled closed the doors and locked them then drew the green curtains. I scanned the room and my eyes took in the welcome sight of my lounge. A white cat nudged at my ankles and made the hungry, pathetic meow. The one that goes with the face that says, 'I've not eaten in a week.'
“I'll find you some food in a minute.” I turned to the others. “Make yourselves at home.” I glanced at my watch, would Saphie still be up? “I've a phone call to make.”
I picked up the phone and dialled. Tania flopped into the large leather armchair with a sigh while the Pope announced he was going in search of a beer and headed into the kitchen.
“Fetch one for me as well,” I yelled after him as I waited for the call to be connected. As I thought of Saphie my hand instinctively closed around the little stone in my pocket.
The phone squealed in my ear. I must have misdialled.
“Where d'ya keep your beer?” the Pope yelled from the kitchen.
“There's a case by the back door.” I redialled, more carefully this time.
“What back door?”
What back door? Silly old sod. The phone squealed again. That's strange. I resigned myself to trying again in the morning and headed into the kitchen to help the pope find the beer. I stalled in the kitchen doorway. I appeared to be one back door short. My new back door which I distinctly remembered creating myself. My back door, the cause of so much of my recent troubles.
“That's insane!” I pointed at the blank wall where my door had once been. I ran my hand over the wall just in case my eyes were playing tricks on me. No. There was no door there. Not even an invisible one.
“My door's gone,” I said. “It can't be gone. That's where you came from? You remember coming through that door, don't you?”
“Not really. But then I can't remember what I had for breakfast. Did I have breakfast?” He looked around the room. “So, where's your beer then?
“What? I don't know.”
I headed back into the lounge. “My door's gone.” I announced.
Tania stirred in the leather armchair and yawned. “That's a shame. Never mind, you can get another one tomorrow.” She curled up in the chair.
The leather armchair. The leather armchair that I don't have. I have a futon. A nice blue futon. I stared around the room again. It was nearly right, but not quite. The curtains were wrong. I struggled to remember what colour my curtains were supposed to be. Blue and yellow stripes. These were green. My hand found the small blue stone and I pulled it clear of my pocket and stared at it. The faint glow more subdued than it had been earlier and I suddenly realised what that meant. All the times I'd watched this seemingly random glowing, meaning dawned.
“Err, guys,” I called. “We're in the wrong place.”
“Really?” Tania said sleepily.
“And you should be on a futon.” I told her.
My mind struggled to understand. We'd gone through the correct doors. The police car had been outside. They could only be outside the Blair World Cottage. And my cottage was through the patio doors behind Blair World Cottage. I'd drawn the maps and labelled each door with sticky notes. How could that work? I opened the curtains and stared into the darkness and was suddenly struck with a panic that I might never find the way back. Perhaps it depended not just on the door but also on how one approaches it? If that's the case how could I ever hope to find a way through. The stone! I opened the back door and stepped into the garden. Holding the stone in my open palm and feeling slightly foolish, I moved my arm from side to side. The glowing phased as I moved. Glowing brightly as I held it towards the direction from which we had come and darkening in the other direction.
I stuck my head back inside. “We've got to go back around.”
General grumbling from inside and I heard the Pope say, “I'm knackered. I'm staying here.”
“There'll be beer,” I said. “And a futon.”
We locked the door behind ourselves and once more did secret creeping between the garage and the cottage. The stone glowed in my hand. We came to the front of the cottage. The police car sat quietly in the dark drive. Two shapes silhouetted in the front.
I held my fingers to my lips and made a completely unnecessary shushing noise. We pressed ourselves tight against the dark wall and slipped around past the front door and back around the other side of the cottage. The stone continued to glow. I had a moment of panic as we passed the place where the kitchen back door should have been but remembered it didn't show from this side anyway. This time the lights were off as we approached the patio doors. I tried to peer inside but could see nothing against the dark. The key turned easily and I pushed the doors open. We filed inside and stood still in the dark, listening. Nothing. I closed the curtains and exhaled the breath I'd been holding since we'd left the front. And relax.
“Nobody move!” a voice boomed. “I'm armed.”
Oh, bugger.
The light came on, flooding the room and blinding me momentarily. I squinted into the unfriendly glare. A shape come into focus. A shape holding what looked like a pick axe handle. A shape wearing a green jump suit with an orange circle on the front.
“Eric?”
“Ian?” replied the shape. “You alright? Who's that with you?”
“Eric, meet Tania, you know George, this is Simon and Kevin.” I held my hand towards each of my companions.
“Why's he got no clothes on?”
“He's a... Naturist,” I said, pleased with myself. Kevin harrumphed a noise of mild approval at my memory.
“Isn't he cold?” Eric stood the pick axe handle against the wall.
“Don't know. We don't discuss it.”
“Eric? Is everything alright?” a female voice from the hallway.
“Stay there, Katrina,” Eric said. “There's a naked man in here.”
Either Katrina didn't hear Eric or her curiosity took over. “Oh,” she said as she came in. Katrina was tall and willowy, she wore blue overalls that clung to her figure like silk. Shoulder length dark hair fell untidily forward, concealing part of her deeply tanned face. She gave a coy smile as she studied Kevin.
“You got here out okay then,” I said, stating the blindingly obvious.
“Yes. And I've locked all the doors again. Only... erm...”
“Only what, Eric?”
“Only... some other Dopples might have got out. Only a few.”
Flora was going to kill me. “How many?”
“Only one or two. Well, thirty-one. More or less.”
“Thirty-one! Who are they?”
Eric shuffled uncomfortably. “They're Dopples of... of... It's a secret.” he said with an air of petulance. “He's a big rock star. He's already gone through three livers and five kidneys. It's not right.”
I decided I wouldn't tell Flora about those or she'd have me hunting them all down. They couldn't do any harm anyway. Could they?
“I need to close this door,” I pointed at the patio doors. “Permanently. Bricks and stuff.”
“Okay,” Eric said. “I'll make a list in the morning of what we'll need.”
“No,” I said. “I meant now. We need to close it now,” I stared at the doors expecting the full onslaught of Blair World's police force to come bursting through any moment. I glanced around the room wondering if dragging something heavy across the door would do the job. But the biggest item in the room was the sideboard and that was nowhere nearly solid enough.
We headed downstairs and gathered up the leftover building materials from the new cellar. I had to admit Eric had done a beautiful job. Fou
r doors now led from the freshly plastered room. Each door held a large brass lock and a series of deadbolts. I knew that one of the doors led to Eric's world but wondered about the others.
“Have you any idea where the others go?” I asked him as we dragged leftover bricks and timber upstairs.
“No. Don't want to know. Leave that sort of stuff to The Gatekeepers.”
We made a fair job of sealing the patio doors, bearing in mind the equipment we had. Part brick, part timber and lots of cement.
“I'll get some more bricks tomorrow and finish it off properly,” Eric said. “But that will seal it from the other side at least.”
I found a bed, mattress or patch of floor for everybody on which to settle for what was left of the night. I was tempted to ring Saphie again but felt that at two in the morning she probably wouldn't thank me. I settled into a pile of blankets and quilts in the lounge, having let Tania take my bed. I drifted into sleep the moment my eyes closed.
I slept soundly until the noise awoke me. And the shaking. The noise and shaking of somebody shouting at me and tugging my arm.
“You're under arrest!” The shouting cut through the last of my sleep and I forced my eyes to stay open against a sudden glare of light.
Schrodinger's Cottage Page 21
