by River Savage
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, bringing my hand up to touch his face. His weight shifts, leaving me feeling cold.
“It’s okay.” He stands, looking unsure.
“Come back,” I plead, needing his touch. I knew just by looking at him, my insecurities had passed onto him and I don’t know how to fix it. What I do know, is that I don’t just need my husband. I need the biker who pushed his way into my life. Somewhere along the way, I’ve lost him. I had pushed him away.
“I’m gonna go check on the kids.” He steps back and my heart hurts.
“Don’t leave. I’m sorry,” I try again. “I need you, Nix.”
“Not tonight, Kadence.” He picks up his shirt and throws it in the basket, leaving me alone on the bed.
“Fuck!” I curse and sit up to replace my shirt. I should go after him, but knowing the type of man he is, it wouldn’t be wise. I have to give him space and sort my own shit out. As much as my fears and insecurities are something I need to work through, I need him more. But to have him, I would have to let go and trust. Trust that Nix would have me.
I don’t know why it’s so hard.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Nix
“Where the fuck is he then?” I ask the table of my brothers a few days later at one of our weekly club meets.
“He had a pick up, but Tiny says he’s yet to show,” Brooks explains.
Beau, like all the boys, is required to show up on time, but for some reason, we can’t get a hold of him. Something’s up. Beau has never missed a club meet.
“Well, someone better fuckin’ find him.” I try to let his fuck up slide. It’s not like Beau fucks up regularly, but his not being here puts me on edge. If I was being honest, I know what’s really putting me on edge. It’s not because Beau is late. It’s because of Kadence. I don’t know what is happening between us, but it’s fucking with my head. It’s like every time I touch her and she flinches, I suffer a blow to my self-esteem.
“I’m worried about him,” Sy speaks up. “He’s getting attached.”
“He’s fuckin’ Beau. He doesn’t get attached,” I counter.
“You didn’t see him with Mackenzie. I’ve never seen him like that before.”
“You think this new gig is getting to him?” The club has taken on a big role in helping Tiny get women out of abusive homes, especially Beau. I know that shit can be tough. I’ve been on a few runs, but Beau is fucking solid. Isn’t he? I try to think of anything that I might have missed. Could his past be coming back to fuck with him?
“He’s holding onto something that might be too close to home. I think the business with his sister fucked him up enough. He’s reliving it over and over and he’s gonna fucking snap. I can see it,” Brooks says, giving his opinion.
“He’s late for one meeting. He probably has a perfectly good reason. Let’s not fuckin’ lose our heads,” I try to reason this time. Beau might be attached to this, but he would never jeopardize the club. He just wouldn’t do it.
“Hunter, head out to the meet point. Keep Tiny updated.” The rookie stands and nods, leaving without a word.
“Let’s start. Got fucking shit to do. So how’s Liquid? You get the staff all sorted?” I turn to Jesse. Dealing with his staffing issues is going to fucking kill me.
“Got a new girl.” He nods.
“You gonna fuck this one?” Sy asks, trying to get a reaction.
“Fuck off.” He smiles, but I ignore it. He’s probably had her and her fucking best friend already. “Just because you three are fucking whipped.” He nods to the remaining three of us left at the table.
“We’re not fuckin’ whipped,” I snap. I don’t hold back my attitude, or the fact he is pissing me off.
“Hey, I’m just saying. I’m not tied down. Don’t have to deal with a tired wife, screaming kids. It must be hard. No wonder you’re all cranky fuckers.”
“Shut the fuck up, Jesse. You got no idea.” I rub my face, his words hitting too close to home.
“I know the pussy I get never says no.” He throws in and my fist clenches in my lap.
“Jesse, I suggest you shut the fuck up right fuckin’ now,” I warn, close to losing my shit.
“What’s the matter, boss man? Your dick not getting wet?” My ass leaves the seat and my hands find his cut. I don’t care if he’s fucking with me, or just trying to get a reaction. I have him out of his chair and down on the table in less than five seconds.
“Whoa, whoa.” Sy tries to pull me off, but I’m so close to punching this fucker; I won’t be talked down.
“Too far?” he asks, a fucking grin on his face.
“Get the fuck out and go find Beau.” I pull him up by his cut and push him toward the door.
“Got ya, but I just want to say, I didn’t know Kadence was holding out on you.” He smiles, fixing his messed-up shirt.
“Jesse, I swear to fuckin’ Christ, get the fuck OUT!” My fist comes down in front of me. He shrugs, laughing as he leaves.
“Jesus, what the fuck was that?” Brooks asks, sitting back down.
“Nothin’,” I reply, picking up the turned-over chair.
“You still haven’t sorted business between you two?” Sy observes, hitting the nail on the head.
“Fuck.” I shake my head. Not in the mood for this conversation.
“Jesus, I feel you brother.” Sy sighs like he feels my pain.
“What? You haven’t?” I count back the weeks since X was born.
“No, but it’s been seven weeks this week. Gonna sort that shit out soon.” He folds his arms across his chest like a smug bastard.
“Well, it’s been eight fuckin’ months.”
“Fuck.” Both men share my sentiments.
“No wonder your ass is fucking cranky.” Brooks smirks.
“Not even a blow job?” Sy questions, still holding out hope for me.
“Fuckin’ nothin’.” I think back to the last time I tried to jack off. Got me no-fucking-where.
“Well, what the fuck is going on?” Brooks folds his arms, settling in for a good conversation. “Thought things were good?”
“Things are. She’s doing a lot better. She’s still on her meds, but it’s like I got my Kadence back.”
“Then what the fuck?” Sy looks as confused as Brooks.
“Don’t know, but it’s messin’ with my head. She fuckin’ tenses up and then I can’t do it. Just can’t fucking go through with it.” I rest my elbows on the table, rubbing my hands over my face.
“What does she say?” Sy asks, looking concerned. I didn’t think I’d be overly comfortable with talking about my shit, but if anyone can empathize with me, it’s these guys. Brooks has been married the longest, and Sy brought Holly back when we thought we’d lost her forever. Surely, their experience amounts for something.
“Nothin’. We don’t talk about it. She wants it and God knows I do, but she tenses when I touch her and I fuckin’ lose it. Can’t recover.”
“You go hit the head to get your shit to wake up?” Brooks asks. As if I haven’t tried that already.
“Believe me, I fucking tried. Can’t even get it half-awake. It’s a blow to my confidence, and then I’m like fuck it. I’m done.”
“Shit.” Sy whistles, learning the shit I’m dealing with.
“So fuckin’ tell me how do I deal?” I ask, needing something.
“What are you afraid of?” Brooks asks this time.
“Not fuckin’ afraid.” The man in me stands up to his question, but something else tells me he’s right. I am fucking scared.
They both look up; they know I’m full of it.
“Fine. I’m scared I’ll fuck it up. She says she needs control, but I can’t fucking hand that fucker over.”
“Then don’t!” Brooks practically shouts. “You fucking own that. Find a way to give it to her, in a way she thinks she’s getting control.”
Sy nods, agreeing with him.
“How the fuck do I do that?” I sit forward, i
nterested in what he has to say. I can’t help but think is this what chicks do with their fucking girly shit they talk about? I didn’t know, but I was curious. I need to know how to fix mine and Kadence’s problem, and I needed to fix it soon. I’m not gonna last much longer like this.
“I don’t fucking know how. Let me know what you find out.” He shrugs, shattering me without even knowing it.
“What about Viagra?” Sy asks.
“I’m not fuckin’ takin’ a blue pill, asshole.”
“Why not? You have the problem with it staying up; there’s your fix. Pop your pill and bend her over the kitchen counter. Problem solved.” He nods, proud of himself, thinking he just fixed my issues.
“I’m not fuckin takin’ it. I might have a problem gettin’ there, but I’m not eighty fuckin’ years old,” I still argue as the seed of doubt is planted. I could take it and wouldn’t have an issue with worrying about losing my hard on.
“He’s fucking thinking of taking it.” Sy smirks.
“You want some? I got it at home,” Brooks offers, ignoring my scowl.
“Why the fuck do you have Viagra?” Sy asks.
“Thought I needed it few months back. Kelly was getting harder to keep up with.”
“You use it?” I ask, interested in it more if he has tried it.
“Yeah, couple times. Good shit, but that was just a phase. Don’t need it now.”
I nod, taking in my options. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. I’m fucking forty this year. Is this what it has come to?
“You should do it,” Sy encourages. “Take your old lady out, pop your pill, and claim your woman.”
“Yeah, you got anything planned for Valentine’s Day?” Brooks asks. Fuck is that this week? Jesus.
“I fuckin’ do this, you don’t breathe a word of it…” I can’t believe what’s coming out of my mouth.
“Scouts honor.” Sy smirks.
“Yeah, last thing you need is Jesse giving you a hard time.” Brooks laughs.
“I’m not fuckin’ kiddin’, assholes.”
“Relax, fucker. I feel ya. Fuck, eight months, man. How are you still standing?” Brooks jokes but I ignore their laughs and pull out my phone to make a reservation for Valentine’s Day. The boys don’t leave; instead, they watch me sweet talk the waitress into giving me a table on their busiest night of the year.
“Who’s gonna take the kids?” Sy asks after I start to feel good about my plan. Shit.
I pick up my phone and place a call to Red. He agrees to babysit which puts me back in a good mood. I grab my phone one more time and shoot Kadence a text.
Nix: You. Me. Valentine’s Day. Be ready at 7pm. You’re mine.
“Right, this better fucking work.” I look up at my brothers.
“It will, asshole.” Sy stands from the club table. Our club meet is now a waste of time with no one around.
“Well, I hope for your sake it does.” They both laugh, making their way back out to the bar.
“All right, back to business. You really worried about Beau?” I follow them out, done with talking about my less-than-stellar performance in the bedroom.
“You don’t see him, Prez. Each time we go on a pickup, he gets worse. I’m just saying we need to watch him.”
I nod, thinking back on the last few years. Since he lost his sister, he’s been fucked up, but he’s worked through a lot of his shit. We all have.
“Right, well, let’s find him.”
“Find who?” Beau walks in the door, right on cue and thirty minutes late.
“Where the fuck you been?” I turn to ask, but don’t let him give me an answer before I’m barking at him again. “Who the fuck is that?” I point to the small woman by his side. Her face is down, hiding her eyes, but from the angle, I can still see how fucked-up she looks. Her blonde hair is matted, with blood stained through it, but what freaks me out the most is the baby she’s holding in her arms.
“Fuck, Beau.” I shake my head. I don’t know who he brought into our club, but by the look on his face, we’re in trouble. A whole lot of fucking trouble.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Kadence
“So, what do you think he has planned?” Holly asks from my bed as I proceed to tear my closet apart. Both babies are sleeping: Low, in her crib, and X sleeping in the pack ‘n play next to Holly. Z is over at a friend’s house. Holly came over for lunch when I received the text from Nix telling me we have a date on Valentine’s Day. At first, I was shocked. Nix hasn’t spoken to me like that in months. His alpha-way of getting his point across has always been a weakness of mine, and reading it in his message, I could just hear his voice demanding that come Valentine’s Day, I will be his. Insecurities or not, the way things have been between us these last few months had me jumping off the sofa and running straight to my closet at just the idea of a date
“Dinner? I don’t know.” I shrug, still not finding anything decent to wear. “I won’t be going anywhere if I don’t find anything.”
“Oh, please. Have you seen your closet?”
“Oh, please. Have you seen my ass?” I counter, throwing a pair of jeans over my head.
“Jesus, did your ass ever fit into these?” Holly laughs when I growl. “Come on, Kadence, you look great.”
“Doesn’t change the fact nothing fits.”
“You’re being dramatic.”
I roll my eyes as Holly holds my small jeans against her. “I say, forget stressing over the clothes. Let’s talk about the lingerie.”
“Oh, God. No. I’m not even looking in that drawer.”
“Why not?”
“Holly, nothing I own will cover my boobs.”
“Even better,” she smiles, bouncing her brows.
“I wish I was like you.” I drag my ass over to the bed and flop down.
“Kadence, I don’t know what the issue is. You had a baby. It doesn’t change anything. Nix still likes playing hide the salami.” I give her a look telling her there has been no hiding of any one’s salami.
“What is that look? You’ve had sex, right?” She drops the jeans, eyeing me closer. Well, there’s no point lying.
“No.”
“WHAT?” she shouts, stirring X for a moment.
“What?” I answer back.
“Kadence, what the hell is going on? How long has it been?”
“What, five months?” I shrug as if it’s no big deal.
“Don’t you dare lie to me.” She crosses her arms, waiting for the truth.
“Ughhh,” I groan, hating that I can’t lie straight. “Fine. Eight months.”
“Fuck, no wonder you’re a—” I don’t let her finish.
“A what?”
“Kadence, you have Nix, Nix fucking Knight in your bed every night, and you just shrug like it’s no big deal?”
“Well, there’s been a few things happening,” I snap. A part of me agrees with her, but I can’t help feeling defensive.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that.” She moves toward me, awkwardness growing in the air. “You’re feeling good now, right?”
“Yeah, we’re in a good place. Low is good. She’s doing really well. It’s been so long. I just don’t know what’s happening. Every time we try, I tense. Nix freaks out and then the moment’s over.”
“Oh, God, girl. You need help.”
“I know.”
“So what’s the issue?”
“I don’t know. I freak out about my body. Maybe he won’t find me attractive. I know he loves me, Holly, but I can’t control what I feel inside. I’ve tried.”
“Kadence, you’re so messed up.”
I look up at her, shocked she would throw that back at me.
“Oh, God, not like that,” she rushes out, and I smile carefully. Only she would put her foot in her mouth.
“I know it’s messed up. I just don’t know how to fix it. I can’t relax enough. It’s just too much pressure.”
“I understand pressure, Kadence. When Sy
and I first had sex after losing the baby, it was after a long build-up of sexual tension. I get your insecurities. I do. But Nix is your husband. Trust me. He’s not looking at you thinking your thighs are thicker. He doesn't count your stretchmarks, nor is he worried that your boobs are bigger. Okay, he is totally loving your boobs, but that’s not the point. He’s looking at his wife, the mother of his child. He loves you, Kadence."
“It’s more than all those things, Holly. I feel like it’s bigger than that. What if we can’t come back? What if we’re not those people anymore?”
“Why are you talking like you’re not the same person, Kadence?” she snaps. Her frustration isn't lost on me; I've seen the same look on Nix's face.
“Because I’m not, Holly. I'll never be that person again.”
“Are you sure? 'Cause the Kadence I know is still sitting in front of me. She might be scared, hell, even a little uptight, but she’s there. Don’t try to deny it. I’ve watched Nix bring you to your highest, hold you in your darkest, save you from your lowest and he has never faltered. He has never looked away, or said it was too hard. Your man worships you. How can you not see this? Open your eyes, woman. You are here. You are here and you are living it.”
She’s right. I do know this. Jesus, I live this. Maybe I just needed to hear it from a different perspective. Yeah, my body has changed, but it wasn’t perfect to begin with. The way Nix looks at me should be enough to prove how much he wants me, but I guess the last few months I lost a lot more than I thought I did.
“You’re right. I know that man loves me, Holly, but I’m afraid I’ve pushed him too hard, for too long.” I wipe at my face in anger, my tears failing to wash me clean of any wrongdoing. We’ve come so far. I know that connection we’ve always had isn’t lost. It’s just sitting hidden; hidden under my insecurities, under my own doubt. I’m the one holding back. How could I ever doubt Nix?
“Well, lucky for you, you’re married to Nix Knight, and you could probably push him off a cliff and he’ll come right back.”
I smile at her analogy because I know she’s right. Nix has proven himself over and over.
“Now, come on. We need a full makeover and we need to clean the cobwebs.”
