‘Where are you going?’
He barely stopped, just turned his head, the shutters completely down now, the glimpse of closeness completely eradicated by the cool look he threw at her.
‘That’s not your concern, Louise.’
CHAPTER ELEVEN
‘HOW is he?’ Maggie asked a few days later, appearing round the door of the side ward of the children’s ward with a bright smile, producing decent coffee and genuine warmth just when it was needed most.
‘Good. He took a good feed,’ an exhausted Louise replied, peeling open a brown paper bag and staring at the contents as if they were rancid.
‘Chicken and avocado foccacia,’ Maggie said. ‘Your favourite.’
‘I’m not hungry.’
‘You’ve hardly eaten for days.’ There was a slight edge to Maggie’s voice. At the beginning and end of each of her shifts since Declan had been hospitalised Maggie had been appearing with various delicacies from the café opposite the hospital, but even the mere smell of food was enough to make Louise gag, and with a tired shake of her head she put down the bag and gave a sigh. ‘Maybe I’ll warm it up later.’
‘Maybe,’ Maggie said tightly. ‘Or more than likely the second I’m gone you’re going to throw it in the bin.’
‘I’m just not hungry.’
Thankfully Maggie didn’t pursue it, just sat down on one of the plastic seats and gazed at the little guy who’d had everyone so worried. ‘Kids are amazing, aren’t they? They bounce back so quickly. Looking at him, it’s hard to believe just how sick he was.’
‘He still is.’ It was Louise who had an edge to her voice now. With each drip or tube that came down, with each gigantic step of progress Declan made, the more nervous she became, knowing that in a couple of days it would be time to leave the hospital, time to ‘get back to normal’, and it did nothing but daunt her. He’d spent two hellish days clinging to life in Intensive Care, his tiny body battling to cope with the massive assault that had been placed on it. But slowly he had responded and it was as if Louise’s own body had shut down—her breast milk almost drying up, her tears long since over, her emotions for everyone bar Declan put on hold. She just stared dry-eyed into the cot and willed him to respond, to pull through as an endless stream of people paraded in and out—nurses, doctors, physios, her family driving down from the country, Maggie, social workers and, of course, Daniel. With eyes only for his son, he avoided talking to her, any questions about Declan’s progress saved for the staff. But apart from his remoteness towards her, what worried her most was the proprietorial way he dealt with Declan. Picking him up uninvited when he started to wake, changing his nappy, even taking a bottle of expressed breast milk and feeding him one time when Louise had darted to the loo.
Letting it be known without words that he was very much in this little boy’s life.
As if on cue, Maggie asked about him.
‘Has Daniel been in today?’
‘Yep.’ Louise ran a tired hand through her rather greasy hair. ‘He spent an hour with him—he had the bloody nerve to ask me to leave the room, said that he wanted some time with his son alone.’
‘And did you?’
‘I didn’t have much choice—he can be pretty direct.’
‘He is his father,’ Maggie pointed out. ‘Has he spoken to you at all?’
‘No.’ Louise shook her head. ‘Apart from “Pass me a baby wipe” he hasn’t really said a word. You know, I don’t know how I ended up the bad guy here. He was the one who dumped me, remember—he was the one who said that the last thing on his agenda was settling down and having children…’
‘You know why now,’ Maggie said patiently. ‘Louise, even if you two were only together a short while, you were both incredibly close. It must hurt like hell to know that you chose not to tell him.’
‘He chose not to tell me about his cancer,’ Louise retorted. ‘He chose not to tell me things, too.’
‘Well, maybe he had his reasons,’ Maggie said. ‘And it’s good that he’s here to give you a break every now and then.’
‘Did you call the real estate agent?’ Louise asked, firmly changing the subject.
‘The house has gone, Louise. The new tenants have already moved in. Don’t worry about that for now—you know you can come back to the flat.’
‘Have you found someone?’
‘No.’ Maggie smiled, and even though Louise knew she was lying, she was too exhausted to care.
At least they had a home to go to.
‘What you need is to go home for a few hours and have a nice long bath and then go to bed.’
‘I’m not leaving him,’ Louise insisted, knowing what was coming next because Maggie had been pushing the point for a couple of days now, insisting that she go home for a few hours.
‘So you’re just going to sit here getting thinner and smellier?’
‘There are showers here!’ Louise pointed out.
‘Ah, but no razors—’
‘I’ve got more important things to do than shave my legs’ Louise snapped.
‘Look.’ Maggie was completely unfazed by her snappish response. ‘Declan’s long since out of Intensive Care and everyone says that he’s doing marvellously. Why don’t you go home for a few hours—have a nice shower and a change of clothes and grab some sleep. I’ll stay with him, I promise, and if anything happens—’
‘I don’t want to leave him,’ Louise said again.
‘Well, I happen to think that’s a very good idea.’
A deep voice filled the room—and that distinctive aftershave—and Louise jerked her eyes to where Daniel stood, his immaculate and polished appearance only exacerbating how truly awful she must surely look. ‘In fact, I think you should go home for the night and have a proper rest.’
‘No!’ Immediately she shook her head. ‘Absolutely not.’
‘I’ll stay with him,’ Daniel said, equally firmly.
‘I’ve never spent a night away from him,’ Louise argued, ‘and I’m certainly not about to start when he’s in hospital!’
Utterly unmoved by her statement, he turned to Maggie, who was fiddling with a cup of water and trying to pretend she wasn’t listening. ‘Maggie, could I have a word with Louise alone, please?’
No!
She didn’t want to be alone with him, didn’t want to hear whatever it was that he had to say, because she knew, just knew that she wasn’t going to like it. But even faithful Maggie was deserting her. With a tiny shrug her friend picked up her bag and the coffee and the chicken and avocado foccacia, and headed to the corridor outside, clearly expecting Daniel to talk her around, clearly expecting Louise to join her in a couple of moments.
Well, no way.
‘Here.’ Unlike hers, Daniel’s hand was completely steady and with a frown deepening on her face Louise took the cheque he was holding out to her and stared at the ludicrously large sum.
‘What’s this?’
‘Child support,’ Daniel clipped. ‘I’ve spoken to my lawyer and it’s been back paid from the day he was born.’
‘Your lawyer?’ She gasped the words out, scarcely able to believe it had come to this, that he’d really thought it was necessary. ‘What the hell did you go and see a lawyer for?’
‘Do I really need to tell you that?’
‘Daniel, I’m not going to stop you from seeing him—I’d never do that!’
‘But you did.’ Utterly unmoved, he stared back at her. ‘And I’m not prepared to take any chances, Louise. I’m seeing my lawyer to hopefully sort this mess out and in the meantime I’ll pay—’
‘I don’t want it.’ She tried to push the cheque back at him, but Daniel just stood still, his hand loose by his sides. ‘And I don’t want to leave him tonight—’
‘Let’s get one thing clear, Louise.’ Those gorgeous blue eyes that had once adored her were cold and direct as they stared back at her, that gorgeous body that had, just a few nights ago, been pressed against hers now stood remote and ten
se just a few feet away. And the abyss between them widened ever further as his clipped, measured tones spelt things out. ‘This isn’t about what you want and it isn’t about what I want—it’s about Declan. And whether you like it or not, Louise, he has a father, a father who will support him and spend time with him. You can’t work at the moment, so you clearly need some money, so why not spare us both the pointless arguments and cash the cheque?’
God, she wished she was in a position to refuse, but Daniel was right—she did need the money. As full as her head had been with Declan’s health, as he had started to improve, the practicalities of being a casual worker with no income had started to impinge. Sick baby or no sick baby, the rent still had to be paid, nappies needed to be bought. The world didn’t stop turning just because Louise’s had.
‘Thank you.’ With an attempt at dignity she placed the cheque in her bag. ‘But—’
‘No buts.’ Still he stood resolute. ‘I’m staying with him tonight.’
Again she wished she was in a position to argue, but it was as if all the emotion she had struggled to keep in check over the past few days bubbled to the fore. Tears that had been swallowed down were brimming in her bloodshot, exhausted eyes, the adrenaline that had fizzed through her veins, that had kept her going, was turning off as easily as a tap. Overwhelming fatigue set in in an instant and, whether she liked it or not, Louise knew that he was right, knew that if she was going to be any good for Declan tomorrow, tonight she needed her bed. But, most surprisingly of all for Louise, she knew that if it had been anyone apart from Daniel, she’d have refused. Her mother, her sisters and Maggie had offered endlessly to stay with Declan, practically begging her to go home for a few hours, and she’d always refused. Yet here she was saying goodnight to her son and knowing she wouldn’t see him till the morning. It could mean only one thing—she trusted Daniel.
Completely.
And as she watched Daniel walk over and sit beside the cot, watched as he stretched his tired body out in the chair beside his son’s cot then pulled down the side and closed his big strong hand around Declan’s tiny one, Louise knew something else.
That despite the distance he had from the start placed between them, still she loved him—always had and always would.
Maybe he felt her eyes on him because he looked over and she braced herself for a few sharp words, but they never came. Instead, he gave her a tiny ghost of a smile, eyes that had been so cold now bordering on compassionate as she stood there. ‘He’ll be OK, Louise, and you know if there’s a problem, I’ll call you.’
‘I know.’ Her voice was small.
‘You really do need to get some rest.’
‘I know that, too.’ Louise nodded, tears swimming in her eyes as she stared at the two men she loved most in the world, hovering on the outskirts of their closeness as if staring through the window of an intimate party she hadn’t been invited to. She’d never felt so useless in her life, so utterly and completely replaceable. She turned to go, but just as she did so he called her back.
‘What do I need to know?’ As she frowned, he elaborated. ‘What are you going to remember in a couple of hours and panic because you didn’t tell me?’
He knew her so well.
‘My milk’s in the fridge—the nurses will warm it up. And he likes his blanket right up around his shoulders,’ Louise said hesitantly, grateful, so grateful that he wasn’t taking over completely, was acknowledging that she knew Declan best. ‘And sometimes when he starts to wake up it’s not because he’s hungry, just that he can’t find his thumb. If you pop it back in his mouth for him, he sometimes settles back to sleep, and he likes to have his forehead stroked…’
‘I’d worked that one out already,’ Daniel said, but without a trace of malice. ‘You have a good rest and don’t race to get back here in the morning—I’ve arranged some cover.’
He turned back to Declan then, two dark heads close together, two people who belonged to each other no matter how much she’d tried to convince herself that they didn’t.
‘I am sorry, Daniel.’ He stiffened but didn’t turn. ‘I know now how wrong I was not to tell you…’
‘Let’s just leave it for now.’ Still he didn’t look at her. ‘Let’s just get through the next few weeks, shall we, and concentrate on getting Declan well.’
Again, it wasn’t as if she had much choice.
CHAPTER TWELVE
‘I’LL just have a quick shower,’ Louise protested as Maggie guided her to the bathroom.
‘You’ll do no such thing,’ Maggie chided, opening the door on a scented, steam-filled room and a bath that was barely visible, overflowing with bubbles. ‘You’re going to soak till the water goes warm and you’re going shave your legs and wash your hair and not come out till you’re all shiny and wrinkled, and then you’re going to eat something.’
‘I just want to sleep,’ Louise protested but, as gentle and as kind as Maggie could be, right now she was wearing her strict I will not be argued with psychiatric nurse’s face. With a rather feeble sigh Louise nodded, closing the door on her and peeling off her clothes, before sinking into the way-too-hot water and finding it was actually rather nice after all.
‘Better?’ Maggie asked much later when a yawning Louise appeared, wrapped in her bathrobe and rubbing her hair with a towel.
‘Much! And you were right.’ Louise even managed a smile. ‘I did need to shave my legs!’
‘Now you can eat,’ Maggie instructed, and heaven knows what had happened to her because, instead of a pizza box or shiny take-away cartons, there was a huge bowl of creamy mushroom soup and a mountain of crusty bread, and as Louise started to eat, she found out that she actually was hungry after all. Starving even!
‘Have a glass of wine!’ Maggie offered, pushing a glass to her, but just as she was about to shake her head Maggie shook hers. ‘You’re not feeding him tonight.’
‘Don’t remind me,’ Louise groaned. ‘I’m actually really struggling to feed him—he’s being given too many bottles.’
‘Then give it up!’
‘I don’t want to—I’d miss it.’
‘What, miss leaking boobs and feeling like a walking cow?’
‘You have such a nice way of putting things,’ Louise answered tartly.
‘When do you think you’ll be back at work?’
‘A couple of weeks.’ Louise shrugged. ‘Certainly not before.’
‘If you need a loan to help with the rent or anything…’ Maggie offered, and Louise felt a stupid great lump in her throat. Maggie was perpetually broke, juggling credit cards with frightening skill and constantly hanging out for payday, and yet here she was offering Louise a share of what she didn’t have.
‘I’m OK for money,’ Louise said, but Maggie wasn’t having it.
‘Don’t go all proud on me,’ Maggie admonished. ‘I know things are going to be tight with you not working, but we will manage. I can—’
‘Maggie, look!’ Just to stop her worrying, Louise leant into her bag and pulled out the cheque Daniel had given her, chewing nervously on her bottom lip as Maggie’s eyes widened at the sum. ‘It’s child support backdated since Declan’s birth. I didn’t want to accept it but, as Daniel pointed out, I don’t exactly have much choice.’
‘You are entitled to it,’ Maggie said, and for the first time since Declan’s operation she said the wrong thing, hit a nerve that was so painfully raw Louise visibly winced, great salty tears welling up and spilling out onto her cheeks, followed by a strangled sob as Maggie, who was usually totally unfazed by emotional outbursts, sat reeling at the pain evident in her friend’s tears, her face visibly shocked as Louise cried as if she’d never stop.
‘You’re going to blur the ink.’ Maggie attempted a joke, took the cheque from Louise’s clenched hands and wrapped her arms around her friend. ‘Louise, what on earth is wrong? And, please, don’t tell me it’s nothing.’
‘Isn’t having a sick child and his father hating me enough to be
going on with?’
‘Daniel doesn’t hate you,’ Maggie insisted. ‘He’s just hurt and confused, but in time he’ll come around. Even if you two aren’t going to be together, I just know you’re going to make wonderful parents.’
‘He lives in England.’ Louise gulped. ‘He’s only supposed to be here for a year.’
‘He’ll probably relocate.’ But as Louise’s face crumpled Maggie got firm, held her by the shoulders and demanded to know what was going on. ‘Louise, just what the hell are you so scared of?’
‘Ruining his life,’ Louise muttered, words bubbling up in her throat. Taking a deep breath, finally she let them out and told Maggie what she’d been holding in since her pregnancy test had showed a little pink cross. ‘The same way my dad’s lover ruined his.’
Thankfully Maggie didn’t push things, must have realised the mammoth effort it had taken to unburden just this much. Instead, she guided Louise to the bedroom and drew the curtains as her exhausted friend fell into bed. Then she disappeared, only to re-emerge a couple of minutes later with a glass of water and a box of tissues.
‘I’ve rung the ward and spoken to Daniel. Declan’s just had his antibiotics and last feed and has fallen sound asleep. He says that you’re not to worry or rush in tomorrow, just sleep till you wake up.’
‘Did he say anything else?’ Louise checked. ‘You didn’t tell him anything I said?’
‘Louise, I was on the phone for thirty seconds, if that—hardly time for an in-depth discussion. And really you didn’t tell me anything I hadn’t already worked out for myself. Now there’s nothing for you to do now except go to sleep. Daniel’s taking care of Declan tonight—there’s nothing for you to worry about.’
There wasn’t, Louise realised as the door softly closed, and for the first time in ages there wasn’t the hiss and whir of an IV drip or the snuffly breathing of Declan to keep her awake, no nurses bustling in with torches blazing or phones going off at the end of the ward. Oh, sure, if she’d had the energy, there were no doubt a million and one things she could have concerned herself with, but tonight it was bliss just to close her eyes on everything and drift off to sleep, knowing that Declan was safe with Daniel.
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