Whatever the specifics of the case – and none of us knows what really happened and why – there can be little doubt that Speed took his life while the balance of his mind was disturbed. Gary Speed was, by all accounts, a proud and devoted family man. Yet, in his final moments, nothing could reach him – not love, not fear, not the thought of the abyss of pain he would leave behind.
It’s been pointed out that professional sportsmen have form when it comes to suicide. Some 2.7 per cent of Test cricketers have taken their own lives – more than two and a half times the British male average. In his autobiography, published earlier this month, Jonny Wilkinson summons up a rare candour and eloquence for a top sportsman when he confesses that his fear of failure and obsession with perfection caused him to harm himself off the pitch. Good man, Jonny. Hard to own up to such vulnerability in a game where the one rule you must never break is: Big Boys Don’t Cry.
When I read that article I did cry, and as I see it there is no shame in that. I doubt it will be the last time I shed a tear, either, as I’m sure in the future there will be times when things get to me. I just hope I have good people around me and that I have the balls to open up and talk to them. That is all it takes to pull through – support and guidance from the people close to you. Those simple things could prevent those who love you having to live with the pain and suffering that’s left behind if you reach the point of no return … just like I almost did.
One of my first ever tackles playing for Arsenal Juniors.
A photocall for Birmingham City in August 1982.
© Press Association Images
Everton win the League! Celebrations in May 1985.
Man U’s Norman Whiteside ruins our dream of the Treble.
© Press Association Images
The Wales line-up in September 1985: (left to right) Kevin Ratcliffe, Neville Southall, me, Mark Hughes, Ian Rush, Kenny Jackett, Peter Nicholas, Robbie James, David Phillips, Mickey Thomas, Joey Jones.
With the gaffer, Howard Kendall (centre), and Ian Snodin in 2012.
© Press Association Images
With Terry Venables and my beautiful daughter Gemma.
At home in Cape Town with my wife Carolyn and close friends John and Lynne Smith.
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First published as Psycho Pat in hardback in 2012
This edition published in 2015
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