by Kirby Elaine
“I understand.”
“You say you do but you’ll never get it, Liam.” I rolled down the window to let in air. I knew coming back home would be an adjustment and a challenge not to use again. And that went for alcohol too. I sucked in a breath. “We can talk later.”
“That’s fine with me. Just go easy on Krish, she’s been taking your vacation a little hard. Her with three children, you’re lucky she’s still functioning. Nanny or not she has been overwhelmed.”
“I hate myself for leaving her. I hate myself for staying pass the time that I promised her but—”
“—but you had to get better. And she and I have talked about that. She just misses you, Michael.”
“I miss her too. I can’t wait to see her.” I smiled thinking about my wife. I had been selfish in asking her not to visit, in keeping our Skype conversations non-existent and phone conversations short. I didn’t want to be pulled back into reality until I was ready. I knew that if I stared into her blue eyes for more than a second I would fall apart and pack my bags and go home before I was truly ready. I just have to keep telling myself that I did the right thing.
We pulled up to the beach house. I could see that Alexandria, SIP, and the kids had come down too and I was happy for that, I wanted to see Daniel, I missed my son and I know it was a struggle for him to understand why I had gone away for so long. When I had spoken to him over the phone he had cried much of the conversation. It was a reminder to me that my son, despite his advanced maturity, was still just an eleven year old kid.
I grabbed my bags from where the driver sat them on the plank path and followed Liam into the house. The house looked the same as it did every year. I hightailed it up the stairs to our bedroom and put my bags down at the foot of the bed. The curtains in the bedroom were drawn but from the small slit of light I could see Krishna’s face, my Krishna. I sat next to her on the bed watching as she slept before running my finger through her dark hair. She squirmed and smiled lightly before coming to, opening her bright blue eyes.
I waited for her eyes to focus in on me. I went to my knees on the side of the bed. She was gorgeous. I wanted to kiss her lips, pull her into me and have her body beneath mine for the first time in ages. But I was too scared of rejection. I didn’t deserve her affections. But she wrapped her hand around the back of my neck and pulled my lips to hers.
Her lips were warm and so unfamiliar. I tried a hundred times to remember what it felt like to have her lips pressed warmly against mine, to have her beneath me, to be inside of her. But with everything that was going on, my imagination couldn’t map out that scene. I crawled on top of her relishing in her love as she worked to rid me of my shirt. I helped her, sitting up briefly to pull the worn vintage tee over my head. She made quick work of my jeans and pulled me back down on top of her. She was hot and wet and wanting me to put out the fire that was burning inside.
I took a deep breath and with my jeans and briefs still around my ankles, I plowed into her, soliciting a loud moan. I pressed my lips to hers to quiet her as I stroked her heat with mine. It was a struggle not to come immediately from the moisture that had begun to pool. Her lips tasted sweet as I urged my tongue inside of her mouth, savoring the taste of her, noting it to memory for future reference. Her hips rose with every stroke allowing me to fit completely inside of her. I felt redemption when she kissed me back. I felt forgiven. And why shouldn’t I be forgiven? I pressed forward pounding into her until her back arched. She moaned against my lips, clawed at my back, and pulsated around me and I finally released the months of the desire I had to be with my wife.
I rolled off of her pulling her closer to me. But she pulled back. Turning onto her side she rested on her elbow.
“Six months, Michael.”
“Shit, here we go.” I stood up and pulled on my briefs and t-shirt. “If you’re mad at me, Krishna, why did you just let me make love to you?” She laughed. Not an entertained laugh. She was mad and I had to answer to her now.
“Because I’ve been forced to please myself for the last six months, Michael. You told me eight weeks!” She screamed.
“I didn’t mean to stay so long.” I attempted to get close to her but again she pulled away from me.
“Have you seen the kids?” She sat up and asked. I shook my head. I had been waiting until morning. “They’ve changed so much and you’ve missed it all. The twins are probably unrecognizable. You haven’t been around for any of it. And how hard do you think it was to explain your absence to Lincoln and Daniel? I can’t just forgive you for abandoning us.”
She was right. My own issues with abandonment and rejection had pushed me to put my family through the same issues I had been battling. I shook. The possibility that Lincoln and Daniel wouldn’t forgive me or that the twins, Torrin and Tristan, wouldn’t remember me made me sick.
“How was I supposed to come back here and be a father and a husband when I was so fucked up, Krishna?” I sat on the edge of the bed. “You have no idea how bad it was, Krish. The amount of pills I was downing could have put down a horse, I’m lucky I was able to get help. I’m lucky you, or God forbid one of the kids, didn’t find me lifeless on the bathroom floor. I know I’ve been gone for too long. Don’t think I haven’t felt like shit every second.” She just watched me silently, her body stiffly pressed against the headboard, her legs wrapped in the white sheets. Even angry she was the most beautiful woman in the world.
“I know you were getting help but it doesn’t change the fact that you promised that you’d only be gone a short while. And then you refused phone calls and visits. What were you thinking shutting me out like that?”
“That I didn’t want to burden you.”
“Well, the burden of raising three children without their father was burden enough, so I guess what you did was for the best.”
“Krishna, don’t—”
“—don’t what? Tell you that I hate you? That I want out of this marriage? If I was going to leave you, you’d already have been served the papers, Michael. I just want things to go back to normal.”
“Things aren’t going back to the way they were before. I was an addict, Krishna. Do you understand what that means? For the last two years I have been popping pills just to sleep, just to function at work. I did a damn good job hiding it but I was not a good person, Krishna. I can’t go back to that. I want it to be better. I want to recommit myself to you and to my family. But I can’t do anything without your support.”
“I’ve done nothing but support you. You have your entire family’s support. But it’s time you give us something in return. Get your shit together.” She laid down turning her back to me and yanking the covers up over her head. I pulled on my jeans and left the room.
In the bedroom next to ours, Torrin and Tristan slept together in the large round crib. It was insane how much they had grown and changed in my absence. But they still looked just like me; midnight hair, thick brows and my nose. I leaned against their crib watching their chests rise and fall in unison.
“Daddy?” A sweet voice called from the toddler bed across the room.
“Linc.” I went to my baby girl scooping her into my arms. She smelled sweet like bubblegum bubble bath as I inhaled her warmth. “I missed you baby girl.” I knew I had to be holding her tight but I hadn’t realized how empty I had been without my children.
“Where were you, daddy?” Her blue eyes stared at me. It was like looking at Krishna all over again.
“Daddy wasn’t feeling well. I had to get better so I could come back home to you.” I whispered kissing her temple. “I’m all better now; I’m not leaving you ever again.”
“Good. Because you missed all of my fancy tea parties. And you missed my birthday, Daddy. I had a birthday right after you left.”
“I’ll make it all up to you sweetheart. I got you a special gift. Let’s go get it.” We went back into the bedroom where Krishna laid, her eyes opening to catch mine before closing again. Without putting Lincoln down, I
dug through my suitcase for the purple jewelry box. “For you.” I handed the box to my smiling toddler and she opened it slowly.
“It’s a necklace, Daddy. It’s just like Mommy’s.” she shrieked. Krishna opened her eyes and watched me secure the necklace around our daughter’s neck. She smiled despite herself.
“I love you, Sweet Pea.”
“I love you too, Daddy.” She hugged me tightly around my neck. “Can I sleep with you and Mommy, Daddy?” I glanced to Krishna and she nodded.
“Sure.” I lifted her from my lap to the bed and went into the bathroom and changed. I returned to find her already asleep against her mother’s chest. I lay down with them. Krishna stared at me without saying a word. “I’m so sorry.” I whispered fighting back the urge I had to let it all out. I had cried a lot in the last few months, more than any man should. Krishna reached across Lincoln and found my hand. She pulled my palm to her lips and pressed her lips firmly against my skin. She mouthed ‘I love you’ and let her tears fall.
I hated that I was the reason for her pain. Our marriage had been nothing but rocky. First, I find out I have a son with the woman I was supposed to marry. Then, I kiss that woman and confess to Krishna that I had done so. And on Alex’s wedding night. I made out with her in the bathroom of my brother’s mansion after she told me she had been raped by her father. I still hadn’t told Krishna about that. And looking at the pain in her eyes now, I knew it’d be best if I never did. Me, leaving for so long would cease to be the worse of our problems.
“I love you.” I said above a whisper. I wiped her tears away with my finger but for every one that I wiped away, two took its’ place. I looked at the kid between us and it hit me. I was no better than my father. I turned my back on my family. “I love you so much Krishna and I am so sorry.” I pulled my hand from hers and got out of bed again. I went into the bathroom. My chest squeezed. I didn’t want to be my father. I love my father but he was a screwed up man with more secrets than many of us cared to know. I looked at my reflection in the mirror. Krishna appeared behind me. “I’m nothing like him, Babe.”
“I would never accuse you of being like him. You were right, you went away to fix things, to fix yourself. I just didn’t think you’d need so long to do so. And I am going to work at getting over the fact that you were gone for so long.” She moved around in front of me and rubbed her hands up my chest under my shirt. “You’re here now. We have to bounce back.”
I pressed my lips against hers sweeping her wavy dark hair from her face. The place I was in before Krishna, healing. I was back there all over again but grateful that this time I was not alone. I had Krishna and I had my family.
***
Pulling into the long driveway seemed surreal at the time. At fourteen, it was a mature and life-altering decision to meet my father, mostly because I didn’t know what I was walking into. Choosing to go with my aunt would mean that I would forever be an outcast in my family. There was only so much I was willing to tolerate; being called “bastardo blanco” by my maternal grandmother wasn’t tolerable on any level, at any age.
The scariest part was walking into the unknown. Growing up I don’t ever think there was a moment where I was comfortable in my own skin. This was in part to me not knowing my make-up, not knowing the man who fathered me but still funded my well-being. It was because of his support that I had the best of most everything which also led to feelings of inadequacy. So stepping out of that car and banging on the massive wooden door, I thought, could only do one of two things; give me the wholeness I desperately sought or absolutely nothing.
I didn’t know that I had siblings, twin brother and sister, Liam and Leah Scott. Liam at thirteen was tall for his age. Unlike me, puberty had already hit in full force and when we were introduced, I was a stout, uncomfortable 5’2” while Liam stood at 5’6”. It’s funny to think about now since I have at least an inch over him.
I wasn’t immediately welcomed in and introduced to my “new” family. When my father, Michael Sr., appeared at the door he stood there silent, examining me before he finally broke down enveloping me into his arms for the very first time. He loved my mother and despite the fact that he hid us for fourteen years I believed he loved me too. But that was where the love stopped. I would soon find that I was truly just the bastard son of a hopeless man.
The day I walked into the house, my father sat with his wife behind the closed door of his bedroom. And for thirty minutes I waited on the steps pulling at the fringe on a nearby runner. And then Katarina Scott emerged from her room, a frail woman with glassy eyes and a steady limp. Her cheeks were sunken in and her eyes wore dark circles.
“I’m Katarina.” She stooped in front of me a welcoming hand extended in my direction. I took her hand and stood.
“I’m Michael, um, I’m Michael Scott Junior.” I tried to smile but even at fourteen I knew the error of my father’s ways.
“It’s nice to meet you Michael. Can we call you Mikey? With two Michaels in the house it might get a tad confusing.” She smiled warmly at me.
“No. I mean please just call me Joey or just Michael. My mother called me Mikey.” I responded and she simple nodded and returned to her room. After that she never made much contact with me. A few months after that very moment I was checking her pulse and pulling her cold body back into the bed where she had killed herself. Today, I see great irony in my drug of choice.
My brother, Liam, a few years ago sat down and thanked me for what I had done for him and our sister the day we found Katarina deceased in her bedroom. Carrying Leah from the room as she screamed in horror at the sight of her mother’s body, pulling Liam from the same room as he sat with his back against the armoire, his facing shielded by layers of sandy blonde hair.
I think I had so much to prove back then. I had to let everyone know that I was a Scott and worthy of the name. And Leah had come around more quickly than I had anticipated. I suspected she would have shunned me the same way her twin did. From the start, Liam refused to acknowledge me as his brother but Leah, she showed me the meaning of family. Sitting on the corner of the bed in my new room she ran down a list of family rules, traditions, expectations and everything else I would need to know. And before she left me alone in my room to unpack, she hugged me and said, “welcome home”.
It went from me knocking on the door to having all needed documentation filed in a matter of days and my aunt had delayed going back home until I was settled. She had asked me a hundred times if I was sure about the decision I was making and I told her that it was what my mother would have wanted. I honestly believed that it was.
Years later, I would find that my decision to seek out my father had lined up dominos over a course of nearly three decades; three decades that landed me in rehab for my addiction; my addiction to perfection, my addiction to belonging and my addiction to drugs.
***
The first thing on my mind when I rose that morning was Daniel. I peeled Lincoln from around me and slid from the bed. I hadn’t wanted to see Alex but I knew it was necessary. I ran a hot shower and stood under the stream mentally preparing myself to talk with my first born. He would require a better explanation than, “Daddy was sick”. He was too smart for me to slide by on a mediocre excuse. And Alexandria had promised not to tell him more until I came home.
That was the only contact I had with her while in rehab. When Daniel wanted to talk with me, Krishna was more than willing to contact me. He had even spent his regular days with her and I was thankful for the relationship my wife had with my son; a boy she called ours.
I turned the shower off and dug through my suitcase for clothes. I hadn’t been prepared for the beach house so I put on jeans and a t-shirt and slid into tennis shoes. I would have to go shopping later. I walked down the planked sidewalk to the beach house four houses down from our own. Alex had purchased it shortly after we met, when I was still at odds with my brother who had one-third ownership of our house. She had told me it was for us, when I wante
d to get away. In the end, when her father cut her off for falling in love with me, I had paid the house off and let her retain full ownership.
I opened the screen door and knocked on the white door behind it. It was only seconds before Samuel opened the door. Samuel or SIP as he was known was Alex’s husband and coincidentally Liam’s brother-in-law. The tangled web meant that despite my issues I would have to be okay with seeing Alex at every family function including vacations and Sunday dinners.
“Michael, Michael.” He said before shaking my hand. Samuel and I had become decent friends even before he met Alex. I was lucky in knowing him before he became my son’s step-father. He was a decorated soldier who now worked for the department of defense.
“Sam, nice to see you. Is Daniel up?” I stepped into the house when he held open the door and gestured for me to enter.
“Yeah, everyone’s in the kitchen.” I followed him to the back of the house.
The second Daniel spotted me he was up and out of his seat. His legs wrapped tightly around me when I picked him up, the same as I had hugged Lincoln the night before. Despite his size he was still my baby boy. I held onto him for a while before settling him back down at the table. Kin, Sam and Alex’s son sat in a high chair, I ruffled his hair before walking over to Alex who was standing at the stove.
She paused what she had been doing and hugged me. In spite of her belly she was able to pull me in pretty close.
“You look great.” She said releasing me.
“You look pregnant.” I laughed.
“Yeah, I thought you knew when you left. November baby coming, hopefully a girl this time around.”
“Well, congrats.” I smiled at her. “I just wanted to stop by and see Daniel. Maybe you can send him up to the house after breakfast? Or just meet us on the beach later?”
