by Sean Kennedy
But you know what? Joel wasn’t dumb. He probably knew all along. And a lesser person might have decided to sabotage me and get on camera and out-camp Julian Clary and Tilda Swinton at an underground Vogue-Off, but he didn’t.
Part of me had always wanted to hate Joel because he had no problem being who he was. I was jealous of him, but I couldn’t hate him. I just treated him as if I hated him.
But maybe I had now twisted the knife too perfectly and pushed him away permanently.
It was what I deserved.
“Well?” Dev demanded. “Why did you do it?”
“He was on my case about… stuff. He just wouldn’t let it go. So I got back at him the way I knew would hurt him.”
“That makes you sound like a sociopath.”
“Maybe I am.” He couldn’t hate me any more than I hated myself.
Then suddenly he was defending me. “That’s bullshit, Steve. You’re no sociopath. You feel plenty. You just ignore it.” He paused. “Maybe that’s worse.”
Great, somebody else to psychoanalyse me. I jumped up, but he pulled me back down. “What did Joel say to get you so upset in the first place?”
“Don’t try that,” I said. “You know what.”
“Then say it.” There was a firmness to the set of his jaw, and his eyes pierced mine. His grip on my wrist was painful, but I wasn’t going to complain. This was the one person in my world who wasn’t letting me go and giving up on me.
“I don’t want to talk about it.” Why was everybody so obsessed with making me say the word?
Dev didn’t let me off the hook. “You obviously do, or else you wouldn’t have come here.”
“Maybe I just came here to fuck you.”
The Achilles heel thing again. Except, unlike Joel, who hated confrontation, I could see Dev steeling himself for a fight.
His mouth twisted. He recognised what that sentence was about and wasn’t going to let it get to him. “Oh, so you want to drive me off just like your brother, huh? Well, go on, try.”
“Take your clothes off,” I demanded, unable to back down.
He leant in close to me. “No.”
“Fucking’s the best thing I get out of you,” I countered. I’d once thought that was true, but only in the darkest nights and the tiny part of me where I allowed the truth did I admit that fucking Dev was nowhere near the most important part of our relationship to me.
His gaze hardened. “Then take your clothes off.”
I wasn’t used to being told “no,” and I wasn’t used to being told what to do. I started to take off my jacket, thinking maybe he was acquiescing through commanding me, then stopped. I looked at Dev again. He sat back, arms folded, and stared me down.
“Keep going,” Dev said. “Then I’ll fuck you, and take my time wondering whether to kick you out at the end of it. Or maybe I’ll just get you naked, wank off at the sight of you going unfulfilled, and kick you out afterwards.”
I had never heard him sound so callous and unfeeling. Was this what I had caused in him?
“What, you don’t like being treated like a doormat?” he asked. “Or even worse, an inanimate object? Shit, sometimes when you’re here you’re so not here that I think I might as well be a sex doll.”
“At least then I would get less grief,” I said.
“Well, you know where the door is.” He gestured carelessly to the door behind me.
But I didn’t leave. I couldn’t.
“Joel told me I had to be true to myself,” I admitted in a small voice.
“That bastard,” Dev said with a touch of sarcasm. “I can totally see now why you reacted the way you did.”
I slumped back against the couch arm and bowed my head. Dev moved, turning more fully towards me but not reaching out to touch me like I so needed him to do.
“Just say it, Steve,” he whispered. “What’s so fucking bad about it?”
I swallowed hard and forced the truth out. “Because I’ve spent so long trying not to say it, I can’t actually say it now.”
His hand was on my arm again, and I could have cried. “It’s just you and me here. So tell me.”
“I can’t.” I knew the words, but they were stuck inside me where I’d denied them for so long.
“Just pretend I’m a sex doll again,” he suggested.
“That’s not funny.” And it wasn’t. I hated the thought of Dev feeling like I treated him as a sex doll.
“Isn’t it?”
“No, you’re so much more than a sex doll.” I wanted to tell him every thought I had about him, but repressed. It wasn’t fair to him. To be selfish, it wasn’t fair to me either, as I had been denying myself a guy who made my life better in so many ways. Hindsight made me see times spent with Dev were the best times in my life—better than performing, even. Performing hadn’t been giving me much joy lately, but that was probably down to being inauthentic. How could you be genuine and make lyrics mean something when there wasn’t any truth behind it?
“Thanks for the compliment,” Dev said dryly.
“You know what I mean.”
“No, I actually don’t. Because you’ve never talked to me like this before. Oh, sure, sometimes we’ve gotten close to it, but it’s always been like pulling teeth, and you never give me much in return.”
What did I have to lose?
Everything. That’s what it felt like. The final blow-up with Joel had given me a vision of my future, and I had to stop it from happening—if it hadn’t already.
I pushed past the fear and reached for the truth I’d never told him. “You mean so much to me,” I said. “And Joel…. I’ve failed him on so many levels. He’s not the King of—”
Dev winced. “Please don’t say it.”
I closed my eyes with the pain of reality. “I really fucked up, didn’t I?”
“I can’t believe you have to ask, but yeah, you did.” Dev’s honesty would have broken my heart again if there had been any remains.
“Do you think Joel will forgive me?” Did I even have the right to hope he would, again?
“Whether he should or not, he probably will. Because that’s Joel for you.”
“It’s like all the good went into him, and all the shit into me.” I honestly believed it.
“Don’t start that self-pitying bullshit,” Dev said. “You can pity yourself when things are unfixable. You’re not at that point yet.”
They weren’t? Dev was ever the optimist.
“So what do I do?”
He sighed. “Do the thing you’ve been avoiding since I told you two minutes ago.”
Even subconsciously I’d managed to manipulate a situation to get out of doing something I didn’t want to do. I hadn’t even been aware I’d avoided the question, but Dev looked like he’d known all along.
Looked like? He totally knew.
Okay. Everything to gain and nothing to lose. My shoulders were so tense it physically hurt to draw in breath. I wondered how much the next bit would hurt.
“I’m gay,” I said softly.
“A little bit louder now,” he sang.
Fuck. How did he know to draw me out using music?
“I’m gay!”
“Hey ay ay!” He pumped his fists in the air, and I had to laugh.
“I’m gay,” I said, one more time. As if everything would finally click into place.
“Jesus,” Dev said with fake annoyance. “Do you queers have to make everything about being gay?”
My stomach turned over. “Shit, Dev, that isn’t funny.”
He leaned in and kissed me. I didn’t understand him. Moments ago he had seemed like he hated me and forgiveness would never be an option. But I relished his kiss. In that simple, passionate movement he let me know everything he felt about me. There was forgiveness, acceptance, tolerance, and dare I even say it….
If it took me this long to say the word “gay” in conjunction with the word “I’m,” I knew I couldn’t even touch the L-word.
“Wh
at was that for?” I asked as he sat back. A smile was playing around his mouth. It was an attractive look on him and my stomach turned over again. Why did he have to be so good-looking?
“What do you think?”
“Are you thinking of giving up nursing and going into psychology? Why do you answer every question with a question?”
“Do you realise you do the same thing as well?” he pointed out.
I thumped his chest, and couldn’t let the contact break, so it rested there. I flattened my hand so that it covered his entire heart. Or at least where I thought the heart was. Dev would know, of course.
“Can I ask you something?” I wanted his shirt off so I could see my hand against his skin.
“Sure. But you may get a question in return.”
“I’m being serious,” I said with a frown.
He sighed, as if being serious was the hardest task ever. “Shoot.”
I looked solemnly at him. “Why have you put up with me all this time? It’s not for fame, because let’s face it, I’m a has-been. It’s not for my sparkling personality, because you’ve even told me I’m an arsehole. It’s not my talent, because if I really was talented I’d be doing something other than little gigs in little pubs.”
I wondered if I was fooling myself that there was compassion in his gaze. “That’s quite a list. And I disagree with a lot of it.”
“But I mean it,” I said with determination. “There is so much to like about you. You’re a good man, Dev.”
“Thank you.” He gave me a steady little bow, as much as he could while still seated.
“Will you please take me seriously?”
Dev took my hand off his chest, and intertwined his fingers with mine. “To be honest, I didn’t really like you when I first met you.”
I try to free my hand, but he didn’t let it go.
“No, hear me out. I thought you were a jerk. But I thought you were hot. I was horny and a little bit desperate—”
“Oh, this story just keeps getting better and better.” If this was how bad I felt now, I could only imagine how Joel felt once I’d attacked him earlier. Dev just continued on with his story, his tone low and steady.
“So, we, you know, did it, and then something strange happened. With no lights on in the room, and being unable to see anything, you started to talk. And I realised there was more to the arsehole exterior. So I hoped I would get to see more of it if you wanted to hook up again.”
“I don’t think you ever did, really.”
“Bits and pieces,” Dev admitted. “Intermittently, and always in the dark. Always when you couldn’t see my face. It was like you were in confession. And I found myself starting to like you more, and I thought you must have seen something in me if you were confiding to a certain extent.”
The truth was wrenched from me, whether I wanted it verbalised or not. “I liked you more than I let myself know,” I said, glad his hand was still in mine. “And then I made you aware you were actually wasting your time.” The feeling of self-loathing was back.
But Dev shook his head. “No, you backslid a little—a lot, actually. But I had hope you would crawl your way back over the edge and start to stand again.”
“That’s an awful metaphor,” I told him.
He had the honesty to chuckle at that. “Probably.”
“Am I standing now?” The hope in my voice was pathetic.
“No, you’re kind of crouching in exhaustion.” He smiled encouragingly. “But you’ve got to stand. You’ve made it over that ledge.”
That made me feel a lot better. Dev was still cheering for me. He hadn’t given up on me.
“Hey, Dev?” I asked lightly.
“What?”
“I’m gay.” My voice was finally stronger, more confident.
“I’m very proud of you.” There wasn’t any condescension in his voice; he meant it. Maybe he’d never thought he would hear it.
“And I’m extra special gay for you.” I still couldn’t say the L-word.
He laughed. “I’m pretty gay for you, too. And I’m glad you can finally say you’re gay for me, rather than that ‘bros helping bros out’ shit.”
“There’ll be no more of that,” I promised, and began kissing him again.
He responded eagerly, pausing only when I pulled his shirt off over his head.
We couldn’t even wait to get to the bedroom. We were soon naked on the couch, Dev on top of me, his lips exploring every inch of my chest. When he took my cock in his mouth I cried out, scared I would come there and then, but he was slow, oh so slow and patient, licking his way down the shaft and rolling my balls with his tongue.
He could have just blown me and it would have been the best sex I had ever had. Something had changed between us—maybe it was just me feeling free because I had said the unthinkable and realised it wasn’t that bad at all. My emotions were bare, and I wasn’t scared of them. I lifted Dev back up to me, wanting to kiss him again. His cock scraped against my belly, nestling in the hair. I loved how his nipples were a darker brown than the rest of his skin, even the munted one, and he shuddered as I licked and tugged at them with my teeth, one by one. He reached between us and took us both in hand, rubbing them together. They were slick with sweat due to the heat of the night, and I could feel the build-up in my balls when Dev cried out and emptied himself against me. Mercilessly he kept pumping the both of us, his cries of ecstasy almost painful, but he took me to the edge and let me spill over as I called his name. I lay there panting, Dev’s weight heavy against me, and he gave a devilish grin as he licked his thumb clean and then offered me the rest of his hand. I tasted us mingled together and whispered, “More.”
He laughed. “We might have to wait a bit.”
I was still half-erect, and I ground it against him to show that I was kind of up for it already.
“Insatiable,” he scolded me.
I rolled slightly so he could lie next to me. I ran my fingers along his cock, trying to coax it back into a stronger work ethic. He took my hand away, laughing, and placed it against his chest, holding it down with his own.
“That was kind of quick and messy,” he said.
My heart was feeling lighter than it had in ages. I couldn’t help grinning at him, wanting to share my happiness. “But that’s still pretty good.”
“Yeah, but let’s make it last next time.”
We kissed, but there was something I needed to know. I pulled back from him with anxiety building in my mind. It was no longer the coming-out anxiety I was familiar with, but a newer, more pointed anxiety.
“Dev?”
“Yeah?”
I blurted my worry. “Can you really see us making it?”
“Are you asking to be my boyfriend?” He smiled, almost shyly, and the fact he was doing that instead of frowning made my heart pump faster.
“If you’re stupid enough to put up with an arsehole, yes, I’d love you to be my boyfriend.” And fuck, I meant it more than anything. I wanted to work at all my inhibitions so I could be the boyfriend he’d deserved all along. I wanted walks along the river, hand in hand. I wanted dinners at restaurants where we’d race through the food because we wanted to get home and fuck each other silly. I wanted him to know my family in the way he should have all along, as my partner and the man I loved.
I wanted to be able to say the word “love” without being scared.
“I’d rather you were a reforming arsehole,” Dev said.
“I’m definitely a reforming arsehole.” I had a reason to try. It was all him.
“Then I’d love to be your boyfriend.”
And I didn’t even know how the words spilled out of me, but they did. “I love you. I loved you all along, you know that, right?”
He kissed me, and rested his forehead against mine. “I didn’t. But I do now.”
Chapter Six
This time we made it to the bedroom. Now we were fused into one, not one centimetre of space between us as we clung to each
other, making sure it lasted this time, wanting to stay within each other as long as possible. Every inch of his skin was reacquainted with mine.
We were partners, not fuck buddies.
We had been all along, really.
Finally we could no longer hold back the tide and fell back, still in each other’s arms, satiated—for now.
“It feels like all is right with the world,” Dev said.
“Not yet,” I replied.
“What are you thinking?”
“I have to go and see my brother.”
“That’s something every guy wants to hear after sex.” I could clearly hear the amusement in his voice as he said this. But there was also approval.
“Look, everything feels right with you and me,” I reminded him. “So it’s time to sort things out with Joel.”
“I think, besides being my boyfriend, that is the best idea you’ve had in quite some time.”
I hesitated before crashing on with, “But one more thing.”
He frowned. “What?”
“Will you come with me?”
Now there was definitely surprise stamped across his face. He didn’t expect me to ask that. “You want me to come with you?”
I flicked his nipple. “Stop answering a question with a question! It was cute when we were being all coy with each other, but—”
“There was a time we were ever coy with each other?” This time there was definitely irony in his tone.
Maybe there wasn’t. We had jumped into sex almost immediately and then slowly got to know each other and like each other. Maybe it wasn’t the usual way to do things, but it seemed to have turned out okay in the end.
“I’ll come with you,” he said.
“Thank you.” It was heartfelt as well. I could be brave with Dev at my side.
“I think it’s best we clean up first.”
“Race you to the shower,” I said.
Dev drove us to Joel’s place, but as he threw open the door to get out, I stopped him.
“Don’t chicken out now,” he implored me.
I breathed hard, trying to steady my frantically thumping heart. “I’m not. I just need a minute.”
Dev sat back in his seat. I reached for his hand.
