I hold back a smile and silently curse myself that I react this way at the thought that he seems to always want me to know that he’s thinking of me when he’s most likely with someone else. He knows how much I love that song. He also knows I know every word and that by texting that song, he’d be making me wonder things I don’t want to wonder.
I decide not to answer this time. Maybe in the back of his mind, he’ll wonder why I didn’t send a song back in return like usual. I know he’ll think I’m with someone, and I like it that way. He needs to think I wasn’t hoping to hear from him. He can’t know that his texts are something I secretly look forward to each and every day. I can’t let him know how much I love the idea of thinking that maybe, just maybe, I’m on his mind as much as he’s on mine.
Why do I always let him get to me this way? Why do I care if he goes out with another woman or goes home alone? I know I could be his one-night stand any time I want. But I don’t want that. I’ve never wanted to be Joey McMillan’s one-night stand. I’ve only ever wanted to be his happily ever after. That’s just a fading fantasy. He’s always made it clear I never will be, and I’m too proud to give in to desire in times like these, no matter how goddamned sexy he looked tonight.
I mean, it’s like a test of wills every time I see him, and unfortunately our time together happens more often than I’d like now. When he showed up at Holden and Cam’s tonight, wearing those dark fitted jeans that were worn in all the right places and casual combat boots that looked as if he could have possibly just worn them saving someone from a fire, I had to turn away and gather myself before greeting him. He broke down my barrier in a second, though, because just as he always does, he came straight up to me and wrapped me in his muscular tattooed arms and kissed the top of my head. He relaxed against me, taking a deep breath, like we belonged together this way. And for a moment, I let myself imagine it. No one seems to think it’s odd he treats me this way. He’s affectionate with all three of us, but with me, he holds on longer, lets his body fold in my every curve and relaxes into me intimately in a way that is much different than when he’s with Cam and Jess. When we are together with our best friends like we were tonight, we always seem to easily fall into a mixture of comfort and flirtatious behavior, acting more like a couple than we should. The others don’t even call us out on it anymore, and seem to accept our odd closeness much the same way we both have. No one asks questions, and neither of us ever discuss it. We just always seem to find our way together, even in a crowded room.
I can’t hide the fact that my heart flutters every single time he takes my hand in his when we are out together, as if to stake his claim when there other men looming. I should be annoyed that he could be possibly scaring off any men from me that I could actually have a real relationship with, but I’m not. It is in those moments that I let myself imagine a relationship with Joey and have to remind myself there can never be a future with Joey.
Ever.
When I hear his ringtone again, I know he’s wondering why I haven’t responded. It pisses me off because I’ve told him before that if I don’t answer, it’s either because I’m asleep or I’m on a date, and on either occasions, he shouldn’t bother me. I’ve told him before that his messages have pissed off many dates I have been on, even though they are mostly with my ex, Kevin. Joey loves the fact that he knows he can get under my skin by sending these texts and probably keeps sending them tonight so that he can ruin my nonexistent date. He’s such an egomaniac.
Get out of my head, Joey!
“I’m not playing your games tonight, Joey,” I yell into my empty house. I toss my shoes in the corner and walk down the hallway to my kitchen to get some water before I find solace in my dreams.
It’s still weird for me, living in this house all by myself. When Jess’s parents died in a car accident when we were young, my parents decided to move in here so that Jess didn’t have to move out to Cherry Hill in our house. I remember being really upset at the time because I was going to have to leave my boyfriend, Kevin, and move to a place where my only friends were Jess’s four best friends, and they were untouchable to me back then. All of them had larger-than-life personalities with movie star looks. Joey’s bad-boy persona was evident even back then. But once I moved to the picturesque shore house, and the others welcomed me into their group with open arms—although no one could ever truly penetrate the connection the five of them have—I began to fall in love with this place and the five of them.
Jess, Dave, Cam, Holden, and Joey were the friends that everyone wanted, and I never took for granted that they considered me one of them. None of them ever seemed to notice how their friendship was envied by everyone growing up. They were all ridiculously popular and friends with virtually everyone, but no matter where we were, or who we were with, the night always ended with just the six of us together. None of them ever seemed to care how popular they were—they just cared about one another, and I so badly wanted to be a part of that kind of friendship. And in a lot of ways I was, but what they had was something so unique and special that I’ve always felt on the perimeter of it all.
After Gage and Jess got engaged and moved with Charlotte into their house across from the bed and breakfast they run, Jess insisted I move in here when I got a teaching job at St. Peter’s in Point Pleasant. Jess didn’t want to sell the house. It holds all her memories of her parents and Dave, but she also knew she couldn’t start her new life with Gage with the ghosts of her past everywhere she looked. I insisted on paying Jess rent, but she refuses to take it, and makes me put it into an account that she says will be for my first-born child. At this rate, it’ll just sit there forever because I’m almost thirty, and my only prospect of marriage has been Kevin, and he’s broken my heart more times than I can count.
Just the thought of Kevin makes me want to cry. We broke up again only two weeks ago, and this time I’m afraid it’s for good. I can’t explain the hold he seems to have over my heart any more than I can explain why I can’t get Joey out of my head tonight. Kevin was my first love—my first everything, for that matter. We met my freshman year of high school and began dating by our sophomore year. When I moved to Mantoloking, he came down to the shore every chance he had and was always at my side for every special event or dance. Then, my freshman year of college, after being together for four years, I walked in on him making out with some girl in his dorm room when I decided to drive out to Seaton Hall to surprise him. I’ll never forget the life-altering feeling of betrayal I felt that day.
I never saw it coming.
I didn’t see the signs of his faltering love at all, and I felt quite simply stupid when I caught him with a mouthful of someone else’s tits in his face. I was strong at first and broke up with him, refused to even talk with him or give him a chance to apologize. Kevin spent the rest of that year doing everything he could to win me back and prove to me I was the only one he wanted. He would show up at my house every Friday and Saturday night in Mantoloking until I graduated, to show me in every way he could that being with me was all he wanted. I remember looking into his sad blue eyes, thinking he meant every word he said, and to this day, I still do believe he meant it. I think, in his mind, he loves me. But is his love enough if I can’t trust him with my heart? After almost an entire year of his repentance and my resistance, I decided to believe that he was sorry for breaking my heart and losing my trust; I forgave him and tried to believe that I was the only person he wanted to be with. I tried to believe that I was enough for him.
When Kevin and I were together, he was the most attentive, loving, thoughtful person I could hope for. He always left little love notes around my house; he’d show up at work with flowers or a box of candy. He always took the time to make sure I never doubted him again after we got back together. Things were perfect for a while again. Or so I thought.
The next time I found out he was cheating on me, I was in my mid-twenties and thought he was close to proposing. We even had looked at engagement rings togeth
er. That time, Holden, Dave, and Joey caught him with another woman. All I know of the incident is that Joey almost beat Kevin to death after he saw Kevin’s hands up some girl’s shirt at some dive bar in Hoboken. He and Joey haven’t liked each other from day one, and I have no doubt it was the moment Joey had been waiting for. We broke up again after that night, and for the past four years, he has continued to do everything he can to prove to me again that I’m the only girl for him.
After Dave’s death, Kevin came back into my life and was there for me in the darkest moments, showing me how good it felt to be loved and cared for. In my grief, I let my heart think Kevin was the one to heal the hurt and emptiness it was feeling. When Kevin asked me to be his again, I went against what my heart told me and I took him back. I spent less time with my friends, and more time with him; he convinced me that my close relationship with them was part of the reason for the trouble we’ve always had in our relationship, and that it seemed I wanted to be with them more than him. He was particularly unhappy with my close relationship with Joey, and texts like the one he sent tonight would often lead to fights. More and more, I’d find myself defending Joey rather than asking him not to text me anymore. Two weeks ago, he was drunk and we got into a fight about one of Joey’s texts and broke up.
I wasn’t devastated like I thought I would be when it ended this time. I was almost relieved. The truth is, I don’t think I can be with someone I can’t trust, and I don’t think I can ever trust him again. Every time I think that I should give him a chance again, that maybe we are meant to be and just got together too young, I pull away again and shut him out, remembering all of the hurt he’s caused me over the years.
And that’s where we are now. I’m trying to cut things off between us for good so I can finally let myself open up my heart to the possibility of something real with someone it can actually happen with. For too long, my heart has been tied to Kevin, and I feel like I need to let myself dive into the dating world again so I can think of someone other than Joey and the fact that he’s so damn sexy. If I had someone other than Kevin to compare Joey to, maybe these ridiculous fantasies about a future with him would go away.
Just as I make my way upstairs to my room to get Joey and Kevin out of my head, I hear a faint rattling knock at my screen door. It’s nearly midnight, and there’s absolutely no one who would be here this late other than Jess or a murderer—and I don’t think a murderer would knock. I grab my phone and dial Cam and Holden’s number without hitting Send. They’d be able to get here much faster than a police officer, considering they live only a few houses away. I hold my phone up while I slowly pull back the white wooden blinds and discreetly look out the front window. To my surprise, Kevin stands there in a dark twill jacket, with just about the saddest look I’ve ever seen on his face. I immediately go to the door and open it, ready to comfort the only man I’ve ever really loved.
“Kevin, what’s wrong?” I pull him over the threshold. I can’t help myself, and glance down the street to Joey’s house to make sure he isn’t outside to recognize Kevin’s car. I know if Joey sees Kevin here, he’ll never stop bugging me with texts.
His usually bright blue eyes are bloodshot and his always perfect brown hair is tousled as if he’s been pulling at it, something I know he does when he’s upset. “I’m sorry I didn’t call first. I just needed to see you, Kat.” His voice breaks a little when he says my name and I instantly feel like that innocent fifteen-year-old who fell in love with the captain of the football team. He reaches out and pulls me tightly up against his muscular body and kisses the top of my head. “I miss you so much…it’s tearing me apart inside. I need you, Kat. My mom’s so sick again, and she wants to see you. I want to see you. I need to see you. You’re my air, and when you’re not here, I’m suffocating.”
His words touch me in a place that only belongs to him. I close my eyes; I wish he really meant it. He knows how special his mom is to me, and the fact that she’s deteriorating quickly in her third battle with brain cancer breaks my heart. She has always been such a kind and loving woman, and I know how much she’s always wanted me to end up with her son. Before I can let myself be swept back up into our past, I pull back a little; I can’t let him think he can have me any time he wants like this. If he truly feels this way, he can tell me in the morning. I can’t let him use his mother’s illness to weaken my resolve. He knows he has a hold on my heart that no one ever has, and I can’t ever tell him no. But I have to try. “Kevin, why did you have to come here unannounced at midnight to tell me this? If you’re drunk and looking to get laid, then you’re barking up the wrong tree. I…”
Kevin looks down at me and tilts my face so I have no choice but to look into his eyes. I can’t deny the sincerity in them. “Kat, I want nothing from you tonight but for you to let me hold you. I need to feel how perfect our bodies fit together. I need you to let me show you that we belong together.” He takes my face in his hands, as if they were made just to hold it and make me feel cherished. “I know I’ve fucked up in the past. But I was young, and stupid. I know now what I want, and there’s no doubt. There never really was. All I’ve ever wanted is you.”
“I know for a fact I’m not the only one you’ve ever wanted because there have been so many more than me in your life, Kevin.” I can see the way my words cut at him when his face contorts and he closes his eyes.
As if he’s guided by sheer determination, he leans down without another word and kisses me. My heart skips a beat, just as it always has when his lips meet mine. He has always been able to make me melt with just one touch, and as he moves his hands through my hair to pull me deeper into his kiss, a heady feeling of desire pulses through me. As if a guardian angel watches over me and pulls me back to reality, a strong knock vibrates behind us, breaking me from his intoxicating kiss.
We both stand there frozen for a moment, confused by the interruption at this hour. My questions are soon answered when another loud knock rattles the door, followed by a deep, husky voice that I know too well.
“What the hell is going on in there?” Joey’s voice is demanding and I have no doubt that if I don’t open the door, he’s going to bust through it. He always says he worries about my safety with Kevin, which I always think is ridiculous. There’s only been one time where I worried that Kevin’s anger could get the best of him, and ever since then he promised he’d never put a hand on me in again.
The thought of Joey’s overreaction to Kevin instantly makes me angry. I swing the door open. Joey stands there in his favorite gray hoodie with the hood pulled up over his blonde hair that I love so much, his hands fisted at his sides.
“Jesus, Joey, it’s the middle of the night. What are you doing?” My attention is drawn to a figure standing on the sidewalk behind him. Some young, hot brunette, in an adorable green dress, stands on the dark street, looking truly confused. I teeter from wanting to ask her where she got the adorable green dress she’s wearing, to being really pissed that Joey’s about to break my door down because I’m with Kevin and he has the nerve to bring his latest notch on his belt to my house while he does it.
At first, I think Joey can actually see the smoke steam out of my ears when he follows my annoyed gaze to the sidewalk behind him. He relaxes his stance and turns his attention from his bimbo of the night and looks back at me with regret. “You didn’t return my texts, and you always do…” His voice trails off weakly when Kevin walks up to my side and draws me possessively under his arm.
My conflicted feelings are annoying as hell when my first instinct is to move away from Kevin so Joey doesn’t get jealous.
Joey’s here.
With another girl.
He always has another girl.
I look up at Kevin and have no doubt he really does love me. And I know I love him. I know I can have a future with him, but is it the future I want? Is it the future I deserve? Right now, I really don’t care, I’m too pissed at Joey. I turn back to him and try to smile to make this a lot less aw
kward for all of us. This whole situation is nuts, and is another example why Joey and I shouldn’t spend so much time together. We are getting too involved in each other’s personal lives, just like Kevin’s been telling me. I’ve got to put a stop to this craziness. “Sorry I didn’t get back to you yet, Joey. Kevin stopped in and we were talking.” I say it slowly, as if I’m talking to one of my students, and I can see I’m pissing him off even more.
Kevin kisses the top of my head and I can feel his primal need to mark me as his, so that Joey has no question where my heart belongs. “Thanks for your concern as always, Joey,” he says sarcastically. “Looks like you have your hands full as usual. You should probably be on your way. I’ve got my girl from here.” He looks down at the girl on the sidewalk condescendingly and a part of me wants to push Kevin out the door for treating Joey this way; the other part is glad that I have him to set the boundary between us that has been stretched to its limit. “You guys have a good night.”
Kevin pulls me back and shuts the door. My eyes never leave Joey’s as his expression turns to a mix of anger and defeat when the door passes before him.
In an instant, Kevin presses me up against the cool door and has me forgetting the scene just seconds ago. Fiery desire pulses between us; he does his best to remind me that he’s the only man who I have ever loved, and who has ever loved me. “Let’s stop playing these games, Kat. Take me back and you won’t regret it, I promise.”
Before I can answer, his lips crash against mine, and I don’t stop him. The comfort and familiarity that I always feel when I’m with him are all I need tonight to let him take me upstairs and show me just how much he loves me.
Kevin left early this morning, needing to get back to the city for work. I didn’t mind because I need to get my act together before I go to Cam and Holden’s for our weekly Sunday breakfast together. It’s the one time a week we set aside to catch up with one another, although I can’t remember the last time I haven’t seen them several times a week. I wonder for a moment whether there’ll ever be a time that I bring Kevin with me to one of these brunches, if I do decide to take him back. He’s never come with me, and I’ve never thought to invite him. I’m still not sure where we stand because I never gave him an answer last night, and I don’t know whether I’m ready to actually have that conversation with him. My mind fights with itself, and I don’t know which side to listen to. A part of me thinks that if we truly were meant to be, I wouldn’t be having second thoughts. But that’s not my reality. Things with Kevin aren’t black and white. Just last night, I was convinced that I needed to explore being single for a while before committing to Kevin again. But after last night, I don’t know that I want to anymore. He was so tender and caring, making it easy to forget all the ways he’s shattered my heart in the past.
His Jar of Hearts (A Broken Fairy Tale #3) Page 2
