by Reid, B. B.
Mary kept speaking despite my lack of response, and the more she talked, the more I began to contemplate calling my dad and telling him that I wasn’t coming home for winter break. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t go back to Blackwood Keep and face all that I’d left behind and the people I pushed away. All because of him.
Vaughn.
What if he also went home for winter break? How could anyone expect me to breathe the same air as him after what he’d done and who he’d done? Already feeling like I was suffocating slowly, my breaths became short and rapid.
“Are you okay?” my roommate paused long enough to ask. She rushed over to me, concern in her wide-eyed gaze. “Is it—”
“I’m fine.”
Like my classmate, she immediately backed off, and I started grabbing shit. I didn’t care what as I threw them inside of my open suitcase.
“Do you need help?” she asked as if I were a fucking invalid. “My cab is already on the way, but I can—”
“I said I’m fine.” Jeez, relax your tits, Bradley. She’s just trying to help. Except, I’d already learned the hard way what letting people in got me. Sighing, I forced my tone to sound more pleasant. “But thank you, Mary. You go,” I insisted. “I’ll be okay.”
She stood there watching me for a few seconds longer before grabbing the handle of her suitcase. “Okay!” Her tone was cheerful again, though, for the first time, it sounded forced. “Try not to have too…much…fun…” She faltered, her gaze dipping briefly, and then her cheeks turned tomato red before she made a break for the door.
I sighed.
Thirty minutes later, I got a text from my dad telling me he’d arrived. Grabbing my suitcase, I locked up and stubbornly dragged it downstairs despite his offer to come up and help. I didn’t know if anyone was left in the dorm. I couldn’t risk anyone witnessing my father go ballistic when he finally saw me for the first time since August.
Here goes nothing.
A mere two days after my arrival, Four had shown up unannounced. My father turned her away at my bidding, but he hadn’t approved of me taking the coward’s way. Considering the circumstances, however, he had no choice but to relent. I knew when I watched from my bedroom window as she roared off on her Café Racer that I wouldn’t be able to hide forever. I missed her so much my heart ached, but it was also because the spring semester wouldn’t begin for another three weeks. That gave her plenty of time to corner me, and I knew she wouldn’t give up. If you looked up stubborn in the dictionary, you’d find Four with her middle finger up.
To delay the inevitable, I didn’t leave the house. Not even to check the mailbox or to celebrate the new year. I’d spent the entire two weeks since my return to Blackwood Keep—or, more accurately, the outskirts since my father’s salary wasn’t high enough—holed up in my room. I wasn’t sure how much more of this I could take before cabin fever got the best of me. For some reason, I’d already cleaned and rearranged my bedroom from top to bottom three times and was fighting the urge to do it again. I needed it perfect and could only assume it was out of boredom as I slowly tore my hair out.
It was barely dawn when I gingerly walked into the kitchen and found my father staring into his coffee cup for the third morning in a row. Brynwood Academy was still closed for winter break, so it had been just the two of us. Our reunion had gone about how I expected only a thousand times worse. My father hadn’t been able to look at me, so I wasn’t surprised when he didn’t acknowledge my presence. He didn’t stir when I tossed his cold coffee in the sink and poured him a fresh cup. I wasn’t sure what stage of grief he was in for his little girl right now, but I had a feeling we were a long way from acceptance.
Not even I had gotten that far, and I’d known for months.
With the school’s approval, I’d stayed on campus for Thanksgiving, and now my father, who was disappointed at the time, knew why. He’d screamed as much at me during the long drive home.
I’d stayed silent the entire way, letting him have his anger because I understood it and refraining from offering excuses when he demanded answers. I had none. And when the tears came, and I heard my father cry for the very first time, I broke, too. Suddenly, I was back inside my dorm bathroom, confused, terrified, and holding a little white stick again.
What had I done?
“Tyra.”
My head shot up, and my heart started pounding, seeing my father’s red-rimmed eyes watching me. His gaze didn’t waver, and neither did mine even when I recognized his disappointment.
“Yes, Daddy?”
“We need to talk about this,” he decided, waving toward my oversized Harvard sweatshirt and what was hidden underneath.
My next breath shuddered out of me, and then I felt a cramp preventing me from taking another. It was all the same. Talking was the last thing I wanted, but I nodded anyway. I wasn’t naïve enough to think I had a choice in the matter. Besides, I couldn’t find it in me to be defiant when I’d ruined everything. I’d spat on my dreams and crushed my father’s hope. I’d never been so cruel or careless.
“What do you want to talk about?”
“I want to know who did this to you.”
I immediately turned away from him, ignoring the dull ache in my lower back that had kept me up half the night to pull the milk, butter, and eggs from the fridge. I couldn’t remember the last time I had the luxury of an appetite but making pancakes sounded like a good distraction. Pulling the mixing bowl from one of the cabinets, I faced my father again. “I can’t tell you that, Daddy.”
“Why the hell not?” he roared, making me flinch.
I wanted to tell him that if anyone got to kill Vaughn, it had damn well better be me. I cracked an egg on the rim of the bowl and pretended that it was his skull. I wasn’t sure when the majority of my fantasies became so morbid, but I found that I didn’t mind them so much. They kept me warm at night during the rare and shameful times I actually longed for Vaughn. “Because it doesn’t matter.”
“The hell it doesn’t, young lady. He needs to be held accountable!”
“I don’t want him to be.” It seemed remorse had taken a back seat as some of my defiance returned. “I don’t want him anywhere near me.”
“Well, here’s some news for you,” my father scolded as he stabbed the countertop with his finger, “you don’t just have yourself to consider anymore.”
Guilt made me look away, but then I gripped the countertop and winced as another sharp pain, this one lasting longer, ripped through my stomach. What the hell?
“Yes, I do,” I pushed through gritted teeth. My father was too wrapped in his despair to notice mine. The pain shooting through my abdomen didn’t seem to be going away. In fact, it was happening more frequently and lasting longer. Just then, my phone chimed on the countertop, notifying me of an incoming email.
Coach blinked at my announcement before recovering quickly. “And how do you figure that?”
“Because,” I slowly answered while panting, “there’s someone out there better suited for this. Someone who wants this.”
While my father was shocked into silence, I seized the opportunity to check my phone. It was an email from the Theodore Lidle Foundation. Feeling my hands shake, I plucked my phone from the counter and abandoned the pancake batter. I was slightly bent over, and each step felt impossible as I slowly made my way toward the stairs. My mind was in two places, and I couldn’t decide which crisis to focus on. Thinking it would distract me from the pain, I shifted my mind toward the email.
It couldn’t be good news if they were emailing me.
My heart began pounding faster in anticipation of the bad news while my breaths grew shorter. By the time I finally made it upstairs, I was clutching my belly. Another cramp hit me that nearly doubled me over. My gaze widened in alarm as the pressure in my pelvis increased, and the world seemed to spin. I’d read about this happening but never thought it would be this intense. The Harvard clinic doctors had even made them sound harmless.
; Something’s not right.
Passing my bedroom for the bathroom down the hall, I stumbled inside, and just as I reached for my leggings, I felt fluid gushing down my thighs. My lips parted in horror. Unwilling to accept it, for months I’d distanced myself from reality to the point that I’d been almost cruel. My callousness was the reason for my surprise when the wail that ripped from my chest a moment later wasn’t from physical pain but an emotional one.
It was much too early.
THE SNOW MELTED, AND INCH by inch, it revealed the world I’d left behind buried underneath. I didn’t recognize any of it, not after being away for so long. My nostrils flared as I inhaled the fresh, frigid air and wondered if it had always been this heavy. Even though I wasn’t kept in a dungeon or anything quite so dramatic, my eyes had trouble adjusting when I stepped through the iron doors.
Freedom.
It didn’t matter how harshly the sun stung or that each step strangely felt like learning to walk again.
I had freedom.
I only wondered why. I’d been told that it was never wise to look a gift horse in the mouth, but I couldn’t help questioning the reason my father had let me out of my cage. He wasn’t a benevolent man; he was a calculating man. He’d implied as much, mere moments ago, the conversation and its meaning still heavy on my mind.
Walking through the doors of my father’s office, I found him waiting for me with a drink in hand that he offered to me as soon as I stood in front of him.
“What is this?” I asked once the doors closed behind me. Jeremy was left outside, and I took pleasure in knowing how much that must have annoyed him. Antonov hadn’t been thrilled about being reduced to a glorified babysitter and made his feelings known, so I slept with one eye open. Or not all.
“A toast.”
Swallowing my pride, I accepted the glass. Even though I’d rather suck my own dick than share a drink with my father, I needed it. Feeling the alcohol burn its way down my throat, I snatched the crystal decanter from the sideboard and helped myself to more before asking the question foremost in my mind. “For?”
“Jeremy tells me you’ve been drinking more,” he observed as if this was a goddamn AA meeting. I needed therapy, all right, and my father was the reason.
“Did he also mention I shit twice a day, too?”
“Careful, boy. I still have eyes and ears everywhere.”
Recognizing the threat that had kept me under his heel for months, I took a deep breath and forced the anger from my tone. “What are we toasting?”
“Your recent accomplishments.”
“I have none. I’ve been here. What is this really about?”
“Exactly as I said, son.” Sensing the dread pooling in my gut as the wheels in my head turned desperately, he continued, “All will be revealed in due time.” With a dismissive wave of his hand, he started for his desk. “For now, you’re free to go.”
The part of me that wanted to stay and grill my father for answers lost to the part that didn’t give a shit and wanted out. I had my hand on the doorknob, ready to flee when he spoke.
“Oh, and, son?” I froze against my better judgment. “I wouldn’t wander too far if I were you.”
Peering over my shoulder, I expected to see the warning in his eyes, but all I found was smug satisfaction and a smile.
And now here I was, standing on the front lawn, my precious baby already idling a few feet away. Tearing my gaze from the Aventador blending into the snowy background, I looked around my father’s property. Even the armed guards he’d posted to keep me inside were gone. I took a deep breath when the churning in my stomach intensified to no avail. This all felt like a trap and one I freely fell into.
Though Ever had likely returned to Cornell, I found myself at the Manor anyway. Since it was a Saturday and Valentine’s Day had just passed, I had hope. Even back when Ever convinced himself that he despised her, my best friend could never stay away from Four. Not for long anyway.
“Where the hell have you been?”
I wasn’t quick enough to block the blow and grimaced as pain shot through my arm. For such a little thing, she could pack a fucking punch. “I see you still haven’t found any manners,” I griped as I rubbed my arm. There wasn’t as much muscle there as before, even though I’d had nothing but time. My brute strength would be one less weapon for my father to use.
“The fact that you’re alive is the only reason I’m even speaking to you,” Lou snapped, putting me in my place. She then slapped me with her ponytail when she pivoted on her heel, and I watched her storm back to the couch where Ever, Four, and Wren sat gaping in shock. I was relieved to see that none of them had changed, either. At least, not from what my roving eyes could see. Their feelings for me might tell a different story. Mrs. Greene had been the one to answer the door when I arrived, and after welcoming me warmly, she led me to my friends.
“Dude, is that really you?” Jamie shouted through the phone.
Lou had wasted no time FaceTiming him and shoving the screen in my face with a “Look who crawled out of his scum hole.”
Nice.
“In the bruised, fucking flesh,” I responded with a pointed glare at Lou. Giving me her profile, she stared at her nails in that way she did when she really didn’t give a damn. I turned my attention back to the camera and found Bee now staring at me through the screen instead of Jamie. Noticing her tears, I started to feel like a bag of dog shit set on fire.
“Hey, Bee.”
My shoulders slumped as I watched her lips tremble. Her only response when she couldn’t seem to pull it together was to flip me off before dropping the phone and running off. Jamie picked it up a few seconds later and promised to kick my ass in a couple of weeks before hanging up. Naturally, consoling his girl took priority. Lou then slipped her phone in her pocket and rolled her eyes at me before returning to Wren’s side. Guilt shot through me when I remembered his engagement ring. I made a mental note to return it ASAP. I wasn’t sure how much of his plans I’d ruined, but I couldn’t help noticing Lou’s bare ring finger.
All my fault. And that bitch Selena’s.
“Would anyone else like to take their shot at maiming me, or should I just go?” I asked when they all continued to stare. This was getting to be uncomfortable as fuck. Maybe I’d overestimated how welcome I’d be after I’d ghosted them. Even while I stood there, seemingly free, my phone was still locked away in my father’s safe. He’d even been smart enough to change the code. None of my friends had heard from me, hadn’t known whether I was alive or not. I could imagine the worst part was knowing they knew could do nothing about it.
I was still grappling for some way to explain without putting them all in danger when Wren stood. I watched him approach, bracing myself just in case. I’d fought Ever and Jamie plenty, but Wren and I have never had the pleasure. When he hugged me, clapping me on my back, I breathed a sigh of relief. As soon as he let me go, Ever was there, and he embraced me just a little bit longer. He finally let me go only to shove me, and I laughed. Four was still sitting with her arms crossed, and when our gazes connected, she immediately looked away. I’d expected no less. I’d fucked over her best friend and used Tyra’s sister to do it. I’d be lucky if Four didn’t poison me first chance she got. It didn’t seem like her style, though. At least I knew Lou was more direct, which meant I would definitely see it coming.
“What the hell happened to you?” Ever demanded. “We didn’t know what to think. Where did you go?”
“Absolutely nowhere,” I confessed, letting them know I’d been right under their noses the entire time. “My father thought I needed some time alone to think about what was best for my future.”
“You mean he kept you locked up,” he retorted, reading between the lines. I didn’t respond. My attention had already shifted, my gaze wandering the room. Was she here? “Are you really going to work for him?”
“I don’t have a choice,” I mumbled, giving up the search and flopping down on the sofa. I
wanted to ask about Tyra, but somehow, I refrained. I wasn’t in the mood to have my eyes clawed out by Lou or my balls severed by Four for even daring to mention her name.
“What do you mean? You were going to play for USC. What the fuck happened?”
My fists balled at the reminder that someone else was living my dream. Even if my father did me the fucking favor and kicked the bucket tomorrow, I’d never get a chance like that again. My reputation was shot. College ball and the NFL had kissed me goodbye as coldly as I had kissed Tyra. I shook my head, wondering just where the hell I’d gone wrong. She started as a challenge and became a once in a lifetime opportunity. She’d been a shooting star, a goddamn miracle, and I let her slip through my fingers.
“Nothing happened,” I snapped before reeling in my anger. After what I’d done, it was the last any of them deserved from me. “It was just time I stopped living a lie.” Against my will, I met Four’s gaze again, and this time, she looked ready to skin me alive. Her chest rose and fell much faster now as she gripped the sofa underneath her. Any moment now, I expected to see the stuffing pour out when the fabric inevitably gave way.
I winced just as Lou’s scathing voice broke the trance. “Next time you feel like seeking some truth,” she scolded, “try doing it in a less skeevy way, asshole. You hurt our friend.”
My lips parted, but I had no retort, no excuse nor lie to make it all better. Luckily, Wren spoke, saving me from finding one. “Maybe now is not the time for this,” he said in a way that brooked no argument.
For once, she listened as her worried gaze shifted to Ever. “We can still call it off,” she whispered to him.
Ever didn’t respond, so I studied their uneasy expressions and the stiffness of their bodies, recognizing the tension that was there before I ever stepped in the room. “What’s going on?”
