by Sean Kennedy
It turned out honesty could relieve your burden.
WHEN SAM had arranged previously to pick him up from the airport, Micah bet he didn’t know what was awaiting him as they drove home. They ended up pulling over on the Reid Highway, the cars whizzing past them at frightening speeds as Micah told him the same (almost entirely honest) story of his life since the beginning of the year.
“Please say something,” Micah said, when Sam remained silent.
“I am supposed to be your… mentor, for lack of a better word.”
“I know.”
“Do you?” For the first time since he had come to stay with the Mitchells, Micah saw an angry Sam. Sure, he had seen “angry” Sam on the field, but it had never been directed at him. “Because I have done everything I could to make you feel at home, Micah, ever since you got here. You’ve been slipping by the wayside, and you’ve never come to me for help.”
“What could you have done?” Micah shot back. “This was my own self-destructive shit. There’s nothing you could have done to stop me.”
“That’s bullshit. If you’d told me what you were struggling with, I’d have found ways. That’s why we signed up to take you in, so you wouldn’t have these problems. Or if you did, we’d get something sorted to stop it from getting so bad.”
“None of this is on you.” Micah released his seatbelt as it was digging into his neck. “It’s all me.”
“Nice words, but they mean nothing.” Sam sounded tired. “When you’re in my position, whether it’s being a mentor or being a captain yourself one day, I hope you never feel like such a failure in looking after your charge like I do now.”
“It’s not about you.”
“That’s something you have to learn, Micah. No matter what you do to yourself, it affects others.”
Micah stared out the window. The cars on the freeway were just streaks of light and noise, and they never stopped coming. Sam’s words sunk in, as they were so painfully true. Right now, his parents were probably still talking about him, and mulling over the logistics of everything they had said to him that afternoon.
“You’re right,” he told Sam. “Because my family are thinking of moving here.”
“What?”
“They’re going to talk to Alex about it. They think if we’re together that maybe I won’t be as fucked up.”
“That’s huge. They really love you.”
“I don’t deserve it.”
“That’s ridiculous. Of course you do.”
“I don’t feel like it.”
“Well, that’s another thing you’re going to have to work on.” Sam started the car again.
Micah put out his hand and rested it on Sam’s arm, to stop him from putting the car into gear. “Wait a minute. You say I never came to you for help. I’m asking now.”
Sam leaned back into his seat. “Okay. Shoot.”
“I was talking about it with my mum and dad today. Even if they move out here, I want to stay with you.”
“Isn’t that kind of defeating the point of them moving to Perth?”
“They agree, if you do. I think I should live out of home, but I still need stability. And I love your family. You’ve all been so good to me.”
“Except Dane.”
“That goes without saying.” Micah gave a small grin.
“Just one thing. When Dane was saying I didn’t know what you were getting up to, how did he know?”
Micah shrugged. It was a mystery that was bothering him as well. “Maybe it was easier to pick up on it because we shared the same space. Your parents are on the ground floor and you and Maia have your own space. Dane’s room is right next to mine practically.”
Sam shrugged. “Dane keeps things close to his chest.”
“Yeah, well I know a lot about that.”
“I don’t think I need to state the obvious here. So. A new start, huh?”
“Yes.” Micah clicked his seatbelt back into place. “I will finally let you be my mentor.”
“What an honour,” Sam said. “Can we go to our home now?”
His emphasis on the word gave Micah the response he needed. It was the first time his smile had felt genuine all week. “Sure.”
THEY HAD sat talking in the car for a little while longer after Sam had pulled into the driveway, but tiredness soon overcame them and they said their good nights before heading for their separate parts of the house.
Music was coming from Dane’s room, and the light was still shining from beneath the door. Micah couldn’t help thinking of what Sam had said, and how he and Dane were quite similar in bottling things up and revelling in their own self-destructiveness—the major difference was Micah usually internalised it (quite different to last year) while Dane was taking it out on the people around him.
So he knocked on Dane’s door, and the music was immediately silenced.
“Who is it?”
“Your most favourite person in the world,” Micah said blithely.
The pounding of footsteps, and the door being flung open. “What do you want?”
Micah took the opportunity of the door being opened more than a crack, and pushed his way in. “Do you know, the whole time I’ve lived here, you’ve never invited me into your room?”
He was expecting Dane to fight with him, but he only glowered. “There’s a reason for that.”
But Micah’s attention was captured by the poster hanging to the left of Dane’s unmade bed. It was Sam in full flight, the purple of his Dockers’ guernsey glinting in the sun as he ran with a Sherrin clutched underneath his arm. He turned back to look at Dane in wonder, a new side of his grumpy housemate revealed to him. It was actually rather sweet he looked up so much to his brother, even though Micah had only ever seen him in conflict with Sam.
“Does Sam know about this? Or is he never let in your room either?”
“I like my room being my own.”
“You haven’t chucked me out yet.”
“You’re in here now. And like I’d be able to chuck you out.”
That was true. Micah was taller and heavier than Dane—all he’d really have to do was sit on him to restrain him.
“So what do you want?” Dane asked.
Micah rummaged through his bag, careful not to expose the giant bag of pills that weighed more upon his conscience than his shoulder. He produced a silver foil packet and presented it to Dane with a grand air. “There’s this little coffee shop in Melbourne. One of my favourites on Brunswick Street in Fitzroy, called Jasper’s. Which is ironic seeing I know a Jasper in real life who really isn’t one of my favourite people. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I know you like coffee, so I brought you some.”
Dane stared down at the packet, as if it would suddenly shed its exterior and become a nest of wasps. “Why are you being nice to me?”
“Shouldn’t we be nicer to each other in this crazy world? This fussin’ and a-feudin’ has gone on too long.” Micah couldn’t help being Micah and lapsing into humour.
“So you give me some coffee and we’re expected to be best mates?”
“You make it sound like I was the one giving you grief from the beginning. Face it, I’m here for the foreseeable future, and you can’t keep hiding in your room. They’re your family.”
“You’re damn right they’re my family.” A sudden flash of fury made Dane look more lively than Micah had ever witnessed.
“Then start acting like they are.” Micah yawned, wanting the comfort of his bed. “Good night.”
As he went to close the door behind him, Dane said, “Um, thanks for the coffee.”
Micah hid the smile that might have frightened Dane off, especially now that they had gained ground. “You’re welcome.”
They weren’t best mates by any means, but maybe the cold war was over.
READY FOR bed, clad only in his boxers, Micah stared at the handful of pills he had taken from their packets. He knew he was doing the right thing, even if his chances of contracting HIV ha
d been low. Sure, Paul had said he was “clean,” but he could have said anything. Ben had told him the odds were in his favour, but you never knew. The main thing was that he was doing the responsible thing.
He washed them down with a mouthful of warm Gatorade, which had been splashing around in his bag since the waiting terminal at Melbourne Airport; the pills felt bulky and almost caught in his throat but he swallowed another mouthful to get them down.
Micah didn’t feel any different: just another set of pills that could have been for anything. He hoped they did their job.
That night a fever developed and he got the runs. He had to beg off practice, but luckily he could blame it on picking up some sort of virus from the plane. It was a regular occurrence among the players, so there was no suspicion it could be anything else. By the second day he was feeling much better and managed to attend a shaky training session. The coach told him he still looked terrible, but that was it. Soon it was just like taking a vitamin, except there were tests coming up in the future. It was the best way to deal.
From the Reach Out, 25 June 2016
Out and About With Jasper Brunswick
A TALE OF TWO ATHLETES
MICAH JOHNSON and Will Deanes are examples of the highs and lows of pursuing the dream of athletic stardom. Will Deanes was to be placed in the draft for the AFL later this year. Micah Johnson was a success story of last year’s draft, finding a place with the Fremantle Dockers and relocating to Western Australia. He has proved himself a strong performer, and there is every expectation he will become better as he gains strength and experience to become a senior player in the future.
Will Deanes, unfortunately, has experienced all the lows. A bus accident that left his teammates with only slight injuries resulted in Will breaking his back. His career in the professional, even the suburban, leagues is over.
To such a young man that would be a devastating blow. But it could have been worse. Having now undergone another surgery, the future is looking a little bit brighter for Will. Once the swelling goes down, doctors remain hopeful that he could walk again. It will be a long, hard rehabilitation process, but Will may find himself on his feet once more.
Declan Tyler, mentor to Will, is visibly relieved at the latest news. “Will’s been through so many emotions the past few weeks, but finally he is happier. He’s had to accept that his life has changed, but it is looking a bit more hopeful than it was before.”
Will has every reason to be grateful. But he is still a young man who had his dreams crushed. And as Micah Johnson next runs out onto the field, Will may just be reminded of what he has lost.
Will Deanes was reached for comment, but did not respond.
Chapter 16
SAM WAS as good as his word, and since their talk on the Reid Highway, he had even entered into cahoots with Rick and Joanne, keeping them up to date on Micah and letting them know he was okay; in return, Sam seemed to be more in the know than Micah about how the Johnson family’s plans for moving to Perth were shaping up.
“Your mum might be able to get a transfer, and your dad’s handed in his notice,” Sam told Micah, after one such call. “He says he’ll just apply for lecturing jobs once he gets here.”
Micah had also been keeping in regular contact with his folks. It was Alex he was worried about the most. Alex, however, seemed to be pretty okay with it all. He was only in his first year of high school and the thought of starting a new one didn’t seem that traumatising to him.
“I’ll be the new kid from the big city,” he said one night on Skype, sounding remarkably upbeat. “Maybe I’ll even have some street cred. Especially with my famous footy player older brother.”
Street cred was the last thing anybody would associate with Alex, and being the younger brother of the gay Docker might be more of a hindrance than a help, but Micah wasn’t going to burst that bubble. He was just grateful that he wasn’t being thought of as a villain for totally upending his little brother’s life.
“Besides,” Alex continued, “everyone always talks about Perth’s beaches. Maybe I’ll learn to surf.”
“Maybe I’ll learn along with you.”
Alex’s face brightened on the computer screen. “That would be cool.”
Yeah. It would be. Micah was already starting to feel much more at peace with himself, knowing that his family were on their way to be with him again. Once upon a time he would have been embarrassed at being seen as too reliant upon them, but he didn’t care. Maybe not caring was a sign of maturity?
Or maybe a lack of it. Anyway. It was what he wanted.
Even the Mitchells were seeing a difference in him. Like Dane, he was coming out of his room more often and joining them sociably of his own accord. He hadn’t even checked out Grindr—he was in self-imposed abstinence mode until he was through his testing period anyway, as his overworked hand would attest because the desire of a still-teenage boy continued no matter what other dramas were going on in his life. He was going to delete the app, but first he wanted to see if that boy he still felt guilt over—the lovely business student whose name he couldn’t even remember now, and it shamed him even more—was still on there once Micah unblocked him.
He even managed to keep his cool when Jasper Brunswick’s insensitive column about him and Will was released. He had been sent the link by Emma, who was always in the know before he was. He had fumed for an hour, and ranted at Simon over Skype. Simon informed him he had already had words with Jasper, and Micah could just imagine the screaming that would have taken place. As usual Jasper’s partner, and Simon’s friend and co-worker, Coby, would have been caught in the middle. Dec was also ropable, as Jasper had asked him for a general update on Will in normal conversation, and it now appeared as if Dec had been aware of the article’s true nature.
But when Micah spoke to Will, he was surprised by Will’s reaction. Maybe it was due to the fact Will was feeling better now his fate wasn’t so much up in the air, but his slightly pixelated face on the computer screen contorted with laughter when Micah asked him how he felt about Jasper’s column.
“It’s just representing the soap opera my life has become.”
Glad Will was looking for a funnier side to it all, Micah played along. “So is your evil twin going to turn up at some point?”
“He’s always been here,” Will replied. “I can finally admit it was him in that change room.”
“And I’ve been blaming you for knocking me out?” Micah punched his chest in sorrow. “I apologise wholeheartedly.”
After signing off from Will, Micah’s mood was so improved he finally opened Grindr for the first time in weeks. A wave of old messages filled his screen and he deleted them without mercy. He went into the list of blocked users and found the guy he was looking for—Pikachu95, man, he hadn’t even remembered him being a Pokémon fan—and unblocked him.
Pikachu95 wasn’t online, but had been on the day before so Micah knew he was still active.
I haven’t been around much, he said in a private message. Okay, it was a lie, but if this guy gave him a chance he would come clean about what he had done. I was hoping we could meet up again. But for a coffee.
Was it presumptuous to get on an app notorious for its promise of hook-ups and simply ask for coffee with a person you’d done the beast with two backs with?
Oh well. There was no going back now. The message was sent. All he could do was wait for a response if it was forthcoming. He had wanted to delete the app from his phone, but he really wanted to see this through first. It’s not like he thought Pikachu95 was pining away after him, but Micah knew he had been pretty coldblooded with a guy who had actually wanted more from him than Micah was willing to give at the time. And Micah could have been honest with him, but had basically treated him like a wadded tissue to throw in the bin after the deed was done.
That was old Micah. And yes, he had been old Micah before he had turned over a new leaf. So he was doing it again. This was new new new Micah.
Hope
fully new new new Micah was here to stay.
HIS ROUND of pills was almost finished, the Dockers won another game, and Micah was starting to feel a little more grounded now that his parents’ plans to move to Perth were firming up.
But there still hadn’t been a message from Pikachu95. And he had been online, because his status showed he was last on four hours before Micah checked for the thirty-second time.
So he was probably getting a taste of his own medicine. This was what happened when you treated people like shit. Karma, etc., etc. Even if he had told Will he didn’t believe in it.
He kept getting messages from other potential hook-ups, but he ignored them all. He was only on this for one reason at the moment, and seeing as he was still within the testing period, he refused to get naked with anybody else. New new new Micah was responsible, smart and safety-oriented. And much more emotionally open with people.
“Dinner’s at seven,” Sam yelled after him as he ran up the stairs to the floor he shared with Dane.
“Sure thing, Dad!” he yelled back to Sam’s laugh.
He had waited to get a shower back home after training. After a game, you always wanted to be clean straightaway, either to get the stink of failure off you or to look like a righteous avenging—and pristine—angel when you went out to bask in your success after a win. But he just wanted to get home tonight. He had showering down to a fine art; in five minutes he was flinging himself onto his bed, clad only in a t-shirt and boxers. Obviously he would put pants on to go down to dinner. He wasn’t that comfortable with the Mitchells.
Scrolling through playlists on his phone, he selected Sia and swung from a chandelier beside her as he checked his e-mails. Nothing that exciting, except for an e-mail from Emma about possible Halloween costume ideas. At the moment she was leaning towards Batwoman, lesbian superhero with fiery red hair. Nothing at all like me, she had written.
