When the CD ended it went right to the radio and an ad for something called Relaxacil. The sudden noise startled me and I sat up. The parking spot was open. It was after one. I turned off the radio and pulled out. There were less people on the street then. I pulled into the spot and heard a loud car horn. Then a giant car with fins pulled up alongside mine. The driver was yelling at me. The passenger leaned forward and yelled too. He balled his hand into a fist and pointed. The driver threw something in my direction and wondered why I didn’t get out of the car.
I got out of the car and walked toward them. It was almost one-thirty. There was no one else around. I told them that if we got into a fight, the three of us, it was possible the two of them would emerge victorious and maybe even kill me but that it was certain that one of them would lose an eye. I explained to them that if we engaged in a fight I would dedicate myself almost exclusively to achieving the removal of one of their eyeballs. I said that I would do this with little consideration for my own safety or the ultimate result of our battle and I added that once I took that tack I would almost certainly achieve my goal because that was the type of person I was. I told them I thought that whichever of them lost an eye would later feel the whole thing had been a bad idea regardless of my condition. Neither of them got out of the car. They drove away yelling.
I was finished with the car. I put the key in my front pocket where it couldn’t be misplaced and walked to a nearby supermarket. Except for the people working I was the only one there. I walked down every aisle grabbing things and stacking them in my hands because I had not taken a basket from the front. I went to the cashier and paid for a large bag of candy and a magazine. I put everything else back.
I bought a one dollar scratch-off lottery ticket at the register and scratched it off with a dime I had received as change. I won a free ticket. When I scratched the free ticket I won five dollars. I started to leave then went back and bought five more tickets with my winnings. The last one of the five made me a two dollar winner so I bought two more. I only opened one of these and it too was a winner entitling me to another free ticket. I placed the winning ticket on the counter told the girl to keep it and split.
I sat on a bus stop bench and read my magazine. I threw the candy away. The bus schedule was taped to a post. Every time it said a bus would appear one did, precisely as predicted. Then the bus would open its mouth and release someone in sibilant exhale. Four times this happened then I saw it was two-twenty. I got up and went to the bodega. A half a block from the bodega I saw Dane walking towards me. He was the same distance to the store but from the opposite end. We met at the door. We spoke then walked in. It was two-thirty.
Dane went right over to the fridge on the side. He slid the door open and pulled out a can. He turned towards me spun the can in his hands and showed me its face. It was a yellow can with brown letters. A Yoohoo.
“I thought you were kidding about that,” I said.
“Fuck no,” he said. “I love Yoo-hoo, reminds me of being a kid. The key is to not shake the bottle or in any way disturb the chocolate sediment contained therein. What are you getting?”
I didn’t get anything. I had rolled the magazine into a tube and was smacking it against my right thigh. We walked out.
On the corner of 1st Avenue and 123rd Street we made a left and walked toward the front of 402 from the same side of the street. Dane looked skyward as we walked.
“What are you looking for?” I said.
“Just making sure nobody’s watching us from up there,” he said.
“Did you not do what we said?” I asked.
“I did,” he said.
“Exactly like we said?” I asked.
“Yes, exactly. I went on the roof of the tallest building in the area and looked down on these roofs. I did not see anyone anywhere until sixteen minutes ago when Heckle and Jeckle took their places on top of 410,” he said.
“Good,” I said.
“But it doesn’t hurt to make sure one last time,” he said then he took the gold key out of his pocket and held it up for me to see.
“So they’re on the roof?” I said.
“Yes,” he said.
“So it’s definitely happening then,” I said.
“Happening,” he said.
“And the cops went to the other place on Saturday right?” I said.
“They were there,” he said. He gave me the gold key. “How do you feel?” he said.
“Anxious,” I said.
“Like sportscaster anxious meaning eager?” he said.
“No,” I said. “Like O.E.D. anxious meaning apprehensive.” I went down the outdoor steps on the side of 402. I turned the key and opened the door. We went inside the basement. Nobody saw us.
It was very dark. Dane switched on the light but it immediately sparked and went off. The bulb was dead. I felt my way to the staircase that led up and out of the basement. The light on the first floor worked.
We went to the top floor. I wore tight black leather gloves. I put on black overalls over my clothes. I put on a transmitter. I grabbed my sword with one hand and hung the stun baton from my belt with the other. I checked the time. It was 2:38. I slid the sword into my bag then strapped the bag to my back diagonally like a guitar. I told Dane the time and we sat down.
Dane looked at me and spoke. His lips moved. I had earphones on. I was listening to music. The obvious thing by who else with Fate knocking on my door. I stared back.
Later Dane pointed at his watch and stood up. I took the music off and stuck it in the bag on the floor. I stood up.
“Let’s go,” he said.
I pulled a black mask down over my face then tapped the exposed sword handle, driving the sword further into the bag. Dane went up the stairs. I followed him.
On the roof we stayed low. I left the door open. We crossed quickly to 404 then 406. I looked around and saw no one. Dane said he saw no one either. It was 2:51.
On the roof of 406 near the ledge was a rope. Dane took the rope and slung it over his shoulder. Then he took a black cowboy hat out of his bag and dropped it on his head. He looked at me.
“Ready pardner?” he said. I shook my head in disbelief.
He started swinging the rope in a circular motion above his head. He threw the rope across the alley towards a pole on the roof of 408. The end of the rope bounced off the top of the pole then fell bouncing off the ledge of 408 and swinging down until it crashed into a window of 406.
“No,” Dane said.
“Fuck,” I said. Dane looked at me and pulled the rope up. We said nothing.
“No one’s home,” he said. “Perfect,” he added. Dane swung the rope again then threw it. It stuck barely to the top of the pole then quickly came off when Dane pulled on it. I looked at my watch. It was 2:54.
I looked at Dane and started slowly walking back towards 404. He had pulled the rope back up again. I motioned to him to follow me.
A third time he swung the rope over his head. Then he closed his eyes and threw it again. The hoop at the end of the rope perfectly encircled the top of the pole then quickly descended to the base of its three feet.
Dane pulled hard on the rope securing it tightly to the pole. Then he tied the other end to our pole at about eye level. The taught rope extended from our pole about four feet from the ledge to the slightly higher pole located atop a block structure on the roof of 408.
Dane looked at me. I went over to the rope. I lifted myself off the ground by pulling on the rope and it held. I dropped down.
Dane took a gold pulley-type hook out of his bag and attached it to the rope. He walked backwards to where the rope was tied, a hand on each of the hook’s handles. He took a breath. Then he ran to the ledge and jumped off towards 408. He covered about two thirds of the distance between the buildings without really implicating the rope. Then the hook pulled violently on the rope momentarily warping it. The hook’s two handles were separated by ball bearings in the middle. Dane slid towards 408. Just befo
re hitting the ledge he lifted his lower body forward and up becoming almost perfectly parallel to the ground below. He cleared the ledge and landed softly on 408. He slid the handle back to me and I caught it.
I grabbed each handle tightly and walked to the ledge. I stood on the ledge looking at the street below. I rocked my weight back then forwards. I slid across the rope quickly at first then slowly. I stopped just short of the ledge of 408 and started sliding back towards 406. I quickly swung my feet forward and managed to just catch the ledge. Dane lunged forward and grabbed my ankles pinning them to the outer side of the ledge. My left foot slipped off. My mask had twisted and covered my eyes. I let go with my right hand and tried to adjust the mask. It fell out of my hand and landed in the alley below. I grabbed the handle again. I slowly bent my right leg until I slid to 408 and sat on the ledge.
I dropped off the ledge onto the roof and, not thinking, let go of the hook. It slid away from me before I could grab it. Slowly it slid away from me and beyond my reach stopping just past the ledge of 406.
“Oh shit,” I said.
“Why didn’t you jump like we said?” Dane said.
“Oh fuck,” I said.
“We said jump because of the incline remember?” Dane said.
“We said jump,” I said.
“Jump we decided,” Dane said.
“I lost my damn mask too,” I said
“That’s all right,” Dane said.
“If it’s so all right why don’t you give me yours? Wait . . . where the hell’s your mask?”
“I decided against it,” he said. “I don’t like anonymity.”
“What are you talking about? We’re going to let these guys see our faces?” I said.
“Yeah fuck them I don’t care what they see, I just want my money,” Dane said.
“That’s insane,” I said.
“There’s nothing insane about it,” he said. “Even with the masks only one guy was supposed to see us anyway and he doesn’t know us from a hole in the wall and will be in no position to remember anything at any rate.”
“I guess,” I said. “But—”
“There’s no guess about it,” he said. “C’mon let’s go.”
“Go where?” I said. “Besides the masks, how are we supposed to get back across?”
“I have an extra hook in the bag,” Dane said. “I planned for this contingency.”
“What are you fucking smart?” I said.
“Let’s go,” he said.
“I don’t know without the masks,” I said. “But connect the hook now anyway to save time later.”
“True,” Dane said. He started connecting the replacement gold hook to the rope then he stopped.
“What’s up?” I said.
“Can you believe I needed three attempts to lasso this shit?” he said.
“You got it though,” I said.
“I know but I still haven’t sorted out what that means. And like just now when you almost didn’t make it across and then we lost the hook. It’s like what in the holy hell is going on?” Dane punched the pole. He looked down then up.
“It’s 2:57,” I said.
“I’m furious as I’ve ever been,” he said.
“It’s late Dane. Let’s go,” I said.
“Fucking life Casi,” Dane said.
“Let’s go Dane,” I said. “Look you missed twice but then you got it. A fucking impossible million to one shot and you made it with your goddamn eyes closed. And I almost didn’t make it but I did. I should’ve jumped like you said. That was my fault. And I lose the fucking hook and you have a crazy backup? Who thinks of this shit? It’s 2:57. Three minutes.”
“Fuck it,” Dane said. “Let’s go get our money. I’ll think about this later. But I’m in no mood I’ll tell you. Someone’s going to pay for what I’m going through right now.”
I taped the new hook to the pole to keep it from sliding away and we walked toward 410 together. I put my camera on the northwest corner of 408’s ledge and Dane put his on the southwest one. We met in the middle and sat on the roof with our backs against the ledge separating 408 from 410. I looked at my monitor. I saw no one. I used the joystick to scan the area with the camera. There was no one.
“You see anyone?” I said.
“No,” he said.
“What the hell?” I said.
“Well that makes it easy,” he said.
“Except where are they? You said they were there before,” I said.
“They were,” he said.
“So where the fuck are they? Because we have the whole roof covered and I don’t see shit,” I said.
“They must be inside somewhere,” he said.
“Yeah and with our luck they’re probably flanking Whale as we speak staring at the money,” I said. “Or better yet they’re right inside the door making sure no one comes in from the roof. Let’s abort this whole thing. Nothing’s going the way it was supposed to. Remember what we said about if things weren’t going well?”
“They’re going fine, here they are,” said Dane. “They must’ve gotten called down for something now they’re going back to their posts. It’s 2:57:53. Plenty of time. Look there they go, positioned exactly as we expected. Heckle on the North, Jeckle on the South. 2:58.”
I looked at Dane’s monitor.
“Oh man,” I said.
“What?” Dane said.
“I know these guys,” I said.
“Who?” said Dane.
“Heckle and Jeckle,” I said.
“What do you mean you know them?” he said.
“We got into it like an hour ago,” I said.
“Why?” he said.
“Parking,” I said.
“What?” he said.
“A parking space,” I said. “We were arguing. It was the kind of thing they would remember. I’m sure of it.”
“Let me think about this,” he said. “I don’t think it matters. They’re not going to see you anyway.”
“If they do they’ll know where I’m parked,” I said.
“Now you’re giving them way too much credit,” he said.
“A mask would sure come in handy right about now,” I said.
“Then you shouldn’t have thrown yours into the alley,” he said.
“I was trying to keep from plunging to my death,” I said.
“If you had jumped like we agreed,” he said.
“And if you had bought a mask like you said you would I could use that one since they haven’t seen your face,” I said.
“I have no response to that,” he said.
I laughed.
“2:58:32,” Dane said. “Almost showtime.”
“I’m not sure,” I said.
“What do you mean you’re not sure? In less than a minute and a half I’m going in. Are you coming?” he said.
“Let me think,” I said.
“You know David Lewis?” he said.
“Who?” I said.
“David Lewis,” he said.
“Yeah, I think, isn’t he a DA or a court reporter or something?” I said.
“DA?” said Dane. “I’m talking about professor David Lewis formerly of Princeton and recently admitted to the Great Nothing. Philosophy. Know him?”
“Yes,” I said.
“Didn’t think so,” he said. “But surely you know Leibniz and his concept of possible worlds at least as continually and disrespectfully alluded to in Voltaire’s Candide?”
“Yes and I know Lewis too. What’s your point?”
“2:59 even,” he said. “The point is that if we accept his form of modal realism as true, which we should, then since we both admit that it is possible we will turn around from here and abandon the plan, we acknowledge that there exists a world where you and I do in fact turn around from here and go home.”
“And?” I said.
“And there is of course likewise a world where we go forward and get that money,” he said.
“And?” I said.
<
br /> “And I have nothing but contempt for these people, if you can call them that, who will turn around at this point,” he said. “And when I think that one of them looks just like me and has the audacity to go around calling himself Dane it makes me want to draw blood from the anger. Remember that because right now it is certainly at least possible that you and I will go get that money, that means at least two of our counterparts will in fact get it. Don’t we need to be those two? Of course we do, it absolutely must be us. I don’t care what it entails. You have total power and control here. You just have to decide who you want to be and that’s who you’ll become.” He looked at me. “2:59:41 and it looks good,” he said holding up his monitor. “Ready?”
I looked at the monitor. Each of the guys was standing at his ledge looking up and down the block. Then Heckle in the front said something like here we go and spoke into his radio.
“Fine, let’s go,” I said.
“Good,” Dane said.
I spun over the ledge and landed softly on the roof of 410. I placed my monitor near my face staring at Jeckle on the screen as he patrolled the back of the roof. With my naked eyes I stared at the back of Heckle as he bent over the ledge looking down on the street and the surely approaching Nova. I took three long steps and stopped behind a heating duct. When I was sure neither had seen me I took another five steps then slid past the door and into the entryway to the top floor. I looked at the monitor and Jeckle hadn’t moved. I looked at Dane still at the ledge and he signaled that Heckle hadn’t seen me either. I waited.
Thirty seconds later Dane was in the entryway. “We good?” he whispered. I looked at the screens. “Yes,” I said. We walked down the six stairs to a landing. I positioned myself so I could see the second floor while not being seen. I saw the dorsal portion of a malicious entity as it stared out the front window. It was Ballena.
“Damn,” I said.
“What?” Dane said.
“I can see it,” I said.
“What?” he said.
“The Whale, I see it,” I said.
“So is it big?” he said.
“I wouldn’t say big. I think the word doesn’t yet exist for what it is,” I said.
“Let me see,” Dane said. I moved out of the way and he looked. Then we switched places back.
A Naked Singularity: A Novel Page 63
