“So you feel like everyone was put here for a specific reason?”
“Yes, I do.”
“It will come to you. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life, either. But I don’t think we’re required to know right now. We probably have a lot of fucking up to do before we figure it out.”
“It’s funny,” she said. “I used to feel badly for my mother—that she never got to go to college and was stuck cleaning houses. But the more I watch her, the more I realize she’s damn good at what she does. She’s not just cleaning. She’s running a whole house most days and doing it with a smile. So maybe that’s her purpose. And there’s nothing wrong with that.”
I knew my father really respected Renata. I’d overheard enough conversations between them to know they were fond of each other. I didn’t think anything inappropriate was going on, but I knew there was mutual admiration.
“I know my father thinks your mom is the bee’s knees. Pretty sure it makes my mother a little jealous.”
“My mom is pretty great.” She smiled. “She really wants me to find my calling, to take a different route than she did. She’s worked hard so I can have opportunities she didn’t.”
“You said you wanted to be a nurse, right? Are you having doubts about that?”
“I think that’s the major I’ll choose, because I have to choose something. But whether it’s my calling, I’m not sure. A purpose is not necessarily about a career, but more about your impact on other people’s lives. I just want to have an impact. And I want to be happy. Those are the main things I need.” She turned to me, and the sun caught her eyes. “I don’t want to waste my life, you know?”
I understood exactly what she meant. So many of the people I knew couldn’t have cared less whether they wasted their lives away, basking in the sun all day with no real purpose. That was the essence of what had always bothered me about the entitled people I grew up with. Money bought them opportunities they didn’t even appreciate. Raven wanted her life to mean something.
“You know,” I said. “My parents and so many of their friends have all the money in the world, but they’re not happy. My mother drinks herself to sleep some nights. She doesn’t think I know, but I do. My father and she...they don’t even sleep in the same room anymore. So, what good is all that fucking money if you’re miserable half the time? It’s all bullshit, Raven. All of it. Take it from someone who’s rich—happiness does not come from money.”
She nodded. “I bet not a lot of people ask you about your problems. They probably assume you don’t have any. I can see how much pressure your mother puts on you.”
“My mother thinks I need to replicate my father’s success in order to be something in life. I’ve never agreed with that. Yet, here I am, going to Yale Law School in the fall and still feeling pressured to meet certain expectations. I feel too guilty to turn down the opportunities afforded me, because I know so many people don’t have them. But deep down, all I want is pretty much the same as you: to be happy and feel like my life means something.”
I could have sat here in this car all day talking to her. Her scent was killing me. That, coupled with the sheen of sweat on her forehead, reminded me of all the other ways I wanted to make her sweat. Every second she looked in my eyes, she owned a little more of me. These feelings were not going away.
Her voice snapped me out of my thoughts.
“I would imagine,” she said, “the more you have, the more you want, and then there comes a point where nothing is good enough. Nothing can make you happy.”
I nodded. “I’m only twenty-one, and I’ve driven the best cars, eaten the best food, traveled—lived a life most people dream of. There’s nowhere to go but down. And I don’t feel anywhere near fulfilled. I want so much more—connections with real people with similar interests, things money can’t buy.”
I want you. The sentiment felt like it was bursting from my chest.
“I’ve made no secret of the fact that I want more with you, Raven. But this right here? Just talking to you like this…someone I can relate to? Fuck, I’d rather have just this with you than nothing at all. I mean that.”
She challenged me. “But can we really do just this?”
Though I wasn’t sure I believed my own words, I said, “Not everything has to be about sex.”
“I’ve never had sex,” she countered.
My body stiffened. “You’ve never...uh...you’re...you mean you’re a…”
“A virgin.” She nodded. “I’ve never had sex.”
That blew me away. “Wow.”
“Not sure why I just admitted that. I guess I didn’t feel like I could agree or disagree with your statement if I didn’t have the experience to back it up.”
That truth was a wake-up call, and one more reason it would be better if nothing sexual happened between us this summer. There was no way I wanted to take Raven’s virginity and then leave.
Most of the girls our age I knew weren’t virgins. I guess that made me jaded. But it wasn’t just that. Raven was so fucking sexy it was hard to believe she’d never had sex.
“I’m sorry if I seem surprised. You have a certain sexual energy about you. And I just assumed…”
She cocked a brow. “A slutty energy?”
“No. Not at all...just this inexplicable sexual energy. I would’ve never guessed you hadn’t done it.”
“I’m quite aware that most of the girls my age have had sex by now. It’s not that I’m saving myself for marriage or anything. I just want to make sure that when I do it, it’s with the right person. I don’t want to have sex just for the sake of it. My mother got pregnant with me when she was my age, so I’m conditioned to believe sex can lead to things I’m not ready for. Nothing is foolproof. I think people take it too lightly.”
“I’ve gotten so used to girls giving it up freely, that hearing you say you haven’t had sex came as a shock. But the truth is, you’re still young. We both are.”
“How old were you when you first had sex?”
“Fifteen, I think.” I paused to confirm that in my head. “Yeah. Fifteen.”
“Wow. Who was it…your first?”
“The girl you saw at the pool that day. She was my first girlfriend and my first.”
“Green Bikini Girl.”
“Yep. She’s a year older than me, and she’d had sex before our first time.”
“I assume there have been a lot of others?” she asked. “You don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to.”
“I’ll tell you anything you want to know. I’m not hiding anything.” Damn, I had to actually think to answer her question, though. After silently counting, I said, “Nine.”
“That’s less than I thought.”
“What kind of a manwhore do you take me for?”
“I guess I have a wild imagination when it comes to you.”
“I can say the same about me when it comes to you, Raven.”
My imagination was currently envisioning what it would be like to push inside of her for the first time, how tight and amazing that would feel.
She could sense where my mind was. “You promised to be good.”
“I can’t promise not to have a dirty mind. I can try not to act on it, if that’s what you want.”
CHAPTER SEVEN
* * *
RAVEN
Gavin had actually stuck to his word about keeping things platonic. We’d hung out a few more times, and he never tried anything. We went to eat sushi with Marni and to City Place, where he’d had several opportunities to touch me or make a move, but refrained. We also did another improv show together, which had been even more fun than the first.
Maybe he’d freaked out when I admitted I was a virgin. Whatever the reason, it seemed Gavin really was okay with being just friends.
We’d managed to keep a low profile, too, not having any interaction while I was working at the house. Well, aside from his musical messages, which I loved. One afternoon he blasted Bob Marley�
�s “Waiting in Vain” to tease me.
Ruth appeared to have backed down on monitoring the situation. Gavin said she hadn’t mentioned me lately. I’d never been happier to be reduced to an afterthought.
Everything had been going smoothly, aside from the fact that the more time I spent with Gavin—the more we talked about our hopes and dreams and fears—the more I was falling for him. The more I wanted him in every way, longed to feel his lips on mine again, longed to feel other things with him. My physical attraction to him was at an all-time high. Just the way he’d look at me from across the room could make me shiver all over.
***
Tonight was going to be difficult. The Mastersons had called the full staff in for a dinner party to celebrate Gunther’s birthday. This would be my first evening party at their home, and I really didn’t know what to expect. I was always comfortable working during the day because most of my tasks were away from Ruth. But tonight we would be serving her frou-frou guests, and I suspected I would be under a microscope as she waited for me to mess up.
On top of my anxiety, just as I was getting into Mom’s car to head to work, a truck whizzed by, dumping a deluge of muddy water onto my white uniform. These were the only clean, white pants I had, and there was no time to throw them in the laundry.
“What the hell am I supposed to do now?” I asked my mother.
“You don’t have anything else that’s white?”
I took a moment to think. I did have one dress that was an eyelet material, but nothing that resembled a uniform.
“Just the white dress hanging in my closet, the one I wore to my graduation.”
“Okay, well, we’re already running late. Why don’t you just throw that on, and we’ll hope for the best.”
***
The Mastersons’ house was all decked out with bouquets of fresh flowers. The best china had been laid out, and the most delicious aromas from the kitchen filled the air. My job for the evening was to greet the guests at the door and take their coats, if they had them. Then I’d move on to passing out appetizers, which included caviar on crackers and tuna tartare. Later, I’d help serve dinner.
Ruth came up behind me as I was drinking a quick glass of water in the kitchen. Her voice shook me.
“Can I ask why you’re not wearing your uniform? That dress is not appropriate for staff. You’re not supposed to be dressed like one of the guests.”
I took a deep breath in and said, “I apologize, Ruth. A car drove by and splashed me with mud. I had no choice but to change out of my work pants and into this dress. It’s the only other white thing I own.”
“Next time, don’t bother coming to work if you don’t have appropriate attire,” she bit out.
For some reason, I found her attitude tonight particularly jarring, especially since I’d already been so worried. I felt like I was going to piss myself.
“I’m sorry. I figured you’d rather have me here than cancel. I—”
“I don’t have time for this. Our guests are arriving. Go to your post at the door.”
Her words felt like a punch to the gut. I liked to think I had thick skin. But she had managed to break through it tonight.
As I walked over to the front door, tears started to build in my eyes. I was so angry at myself for letting this happen. Deep down, I knew this was about more than what she’d just said to me. I had feelings for her son. To know she despised me so much and would stop at nothing to ensure I never had a chance with him made me feel so defeated. Hate was such a strong word. But I couldn’t think of another way to describe my feelings toward that woman.
Faking smile after smile, I felt like I was going to explode as I greeted guests and took their jackets to the coat closet. Everyone was dressed up. You’d think my dress would have helped me fit right in, but Ruth much preferred that I look like the slave she thought I was.
Gavin’s voice startled me. “Am I dreaming? Look at you.”
Hearing him say that only made me feel worse.
He wore a black, collared shirt that hugged his muscles. He smelled so good and looked amazing.
“Go away, Gavin. I’m already in enough trouble as it is.” Tears stung my eyes.
His face fell. “What are you talking about? What’s going on?”
Whispering, I said, “Your mother scolded me for showing up in a dress tonight. My pants got ruined with mud as I was getting in the car to come here. I tried to explain that to her, but she told me I should’ve stayed home if I didn’t have a uniform.”
Gavin’s face turned red. “I have to talk to her.” He let out a long breath. “I can’t just stand by and do nothing while she treats you like—”
“No!” I looked over my shoulder. “You’ll make it worse. Please don’t say anything. I shouldn’t have even told you. Just go.” When he lingered, I insisted, “Please.”
I walked away before he could say anything further.
When it came time for dinner, I was still on edge, but my weakness from earlier had transformed into strength—and into anger. With the sadness gone, I picked myself up and served with a new attitude.
I could feel Gavin’s eyes on me the entire time. There were several girls our age attempting to flirt with him, trying to get him to make conversation, but he only had eyes for me.
The scowl on his face also told me he was still really angry. In fact, I’d never seen him so unwaveringly mad. I knew he wanted to confront her. But nothing good would come from it, and he knew it.
As Ruth glanced over at me, I could feel pride bursting from my body.
After I placed some carrots on the plate of the man sitting at the head of the table, he looked at me and said, “My eyesight is going. Perhaps these carrots will do me good.” He turned to his wife. “Don’t they say carrots are good for your eyes?”
When she didn’t respond, I couldn’t help but comment.
“Actually, while carrots do contain vitamin A, their benefits are partially a myth popularized during World War II. Pilots were using new technology to spot and shoot down enemy aircraft. In order to conceal this new radar, the military conjured up a rumor about the carrots the pilots ate—that they helped them see better at night. People to this day still give carrots more credit than they’re due.”
Staff was not to talk to guests. So I knew what I’d just done would put Ruth over the edge. Yet somehow, I couldn’t stop myself.
“That’s very interesting,” he said. “Thank you for clearing it up.”
Ruth’s eyes landed on mine. “Raven, please don’t insert yourself into our dinner conversation.”
Gavin’s hand slammed against the table, causing silverware to go flying. “Fuck, Mother!” he yelled through gritted teeth. “Enough!”
The crystals on the chandelier clanked together.
“Ruth…” Gunther murmured.
Gavin looked like he was about to flip the table over. He stood. Before he could do anything rash, I held my hand out to him, put down the dish I was holding, and straightened my posture.
I turned to Ruth. “Mrs. Masterson, I may not have a lot of money or come from a world you find suitable enough, but I do have self-respect. I would rather clean dog shit at the race track than continue to endure being looked at the way you look at me or spoken to the way you speak to me. So before you can terminate my employment, I am respectfully resigning, effective immediately. Thank you for the opportunity.”
I looked over at Gunther. “Please see to it that my decision doesn’t affect my mother’s employment here. She loves working for you and has devoted so many years to the job. Please don’t punish her for my actions.” I nodded toward Ruth. “Have a lovely evening.”
Without looking back, I rushed into the kitchen and found my phone in the drawer where staff kept their belongings. I was pretty sure Gavin would follow me, so I ducked out the side door. I preferred to be alone. I thanked God my mother hadn’t been in the dining room to witness that. She was in the kitchen, occupied with helping the caterer pl
ate the desserts, and hadn’t even noticed me rush in and grab my phone. But someone would surely fill her in on the drama she’d missed.
Outside, the earlier rain had tapered to a light drizzle. I didn’t even know where I was going. I just needed to get away from the house. I decided to walk to Worth Avenue and call a cab to take me back to West Palm.
The sound of a speeding car registered behind me. It slowed as it approached.
He rolled down the window. “Raven, get in.”
“Go back to the house, Gavin.”
He continued driving alongside me. “Please.”
I kept walking. “No. I’d like to be alone.”
“No fucking way I’m letting you walk alone.”
“What, am I gonna get mugged by a man wearing a pink Brooks Brothers shirt?” I stopped for a moment, looking into his pleading eyes before deciding to open the passenger door.
“Thank you,” he said.
When I noticed he wasn’t driving toward the bridge to take me home, I asked, “Where are we going?”
“Somewhere we can be alone.”
He drove to the same inlet we’d visited before—his favorite place.
We parked and got out. Gavin was silent as he led me down the rocks to the water.
The ocean was particularly rough tonight, and that mirrored the mood of the entire evening.
We sat quietly for a while before he turned to me. “I’m so fucking proud of you for standing up to her like that. It should be really hard to hate your own mother, but she makes it easy sometimes. When you quit and walked out, this massive sense of relief came over me, because I never want to witness her treating you like that again.” His lip trembled.
“She left me no choice. There’s only so much a person can take. I just hope it doesn’t affect my mother. She really needs that job.”
“I’ll talk to my dad and make sure it doesn’t.”
Kicking some sand, I said, “The whole situation just sucks.”
The Day He Came Back Page 7
