There it was again—that feeling of urgency in my chest. I didn’t quite understand what it was trying to tell me, but I suspected it had something to do with Raven and the closure I was seeking before returning to London.
Paige and I had planned to skip the big wedding and fly to Fiji to get married. I knew she wanted that to happen soon. For all I knew, the next time I’d be back here, I’d be a married man. If there was any question at all left about my feelings for another woman, I needed to resolve them before the wedding.
My brother’s insistence that I talk to Raven once again came to mind. Weldon wasn’t generally the wisest person, but what he’d said to me had really stuck.
I drove around some more and ended up passing the jiu-jitsu studio. I remembered she’d told me she taught there on her day off. I had no clue what time her class was, but I pulled into the lot. If I saw her in there, I wasn’t going to disrupt or anything—just watch.
The entire front of the studio was glass, so you could see inside. My heart skipped a beat at the sight of Raven in her black uniform. She had always been in her element here, but something about witnessing her at the helm was really powerful. She’d come such a long way. I watched as she paced while she spoke in front of a line of teenagers dressed in white kimonos.
My heart felt ready to explode from my chest. But I had to see these feelings for what they were, didn’t I? An inexplicable infatuation. Had I truly loved this girl at one time? I thought so. But after all these years and the way things ended, that wasn’t what I was feeling now. It couldn’t be. You know how when people lose a limb, they say they can sometimes still feel it, even though it isn’t there? That happens with a broken heart, too. Sometimes you can still feel the love you had for someone inside your heart, even after they shattered it.
I kept telling myself to leave, but I couldn’t break away from watching her. Now she was on the ground, holding someone down as she described her technique.
When the class ended, the students dispersed, and Raven disappeared behind a desk.
Several minutes later, I was still standing outside. She was alone now.
I should leave.
Despite my brain’s recommendation, I opened the door to the studio. A bell dinged as I entered.
Raven looked up from her paperwork and seemed stunned to see me.
I placed my hands in my pockets. “Hey.”
“Hi. Uh…what are you doing here?”
“Would you believe me if I said I just happened to be in the neighborhood?”
She licked her lips nervously. “Probably not.”
“Good. I won’t feed you that line of bullshit, then.”
“Seriously, what are you doing here?”
“I don’t know.” I took a few steps toward her. “I wanted to clear my head, so I took a drive and ended up at the old improv club. Saw it all boarded up.”
She nodded sympathetically.
“I didn’t plan to come here, but I passed by on the way home. So I stopped and peeked inside, and here you were. Then I couldn’t look away—so I stayed and watched the class for a while.”
“I can’t believe I didn’t notice you.”
“Well, you were busy.”
“You watched the whole thing?”
“A good chunk of it. You’re as amazing as ever.”
A light sheen of sweat gleamed on her forehead. For some reason, that reminded me of being sweaty in my bed with her after having sex for the first time. I couldn’t help where my mind went.
“If I didn’t know better, I’d think you’ve been avoiding me over the past several days.” I smiled. “Could be my imagination, but…”
“I have been,” she admitted.
“I know.” A moment of silence passed. “Here’s the thing. I’m leaving in a couple of days. There are some questions and feelings I can’t seem to shake. I thought they were dead. But they’re not. I’m going back to England, and I’m getting married. So don’t worry, I’m not insinuating anything in saying this. I just feel like we need to talk before I leave. That’s all.”
She looked like she was on the verge of tears, and I wondered which part of what I’d just said had caused it. Did being around me upset her that much?
“Can we maybe go get a bite to eat?” I suggested. “I’ll drive you back here to get your car after.”
“I actually walked here. Old habit. And I like the exercise.”
“Ah, okay. Well, I can drive you home after we’re done.”
She thought for a moment before she nodded. “Let me grab my things.”
When she came back, she followed me outside. I opened the passenger door for her and got in on the other side. Having her in my car like this, just the two of us, felt surreal.
“Anywhere in particular you’d like to go?” I asked.
“Well, Steak ‘n Shake is still here. I know how much you used to like it.”
“Finally, something that’s still standing. Wanna hit it?”
“Sure.” She smiled.
We ended up eating inside the restaurant, each ordering a steakburger and fries. Then we took our shakes to go.
We sat in the car, sipping in silence for a while. I didn’t want to start the engine, because I hadn’t gotten anything off my chest yet, and I wasn’t sure where to go.
As she stared out the window away from me, my eyes lingered on her. I was still blinded by her beauty. I couldn’t help the physical attraction. It was undeniable and palpable. I doubted my body would ever stop reacting to her. The memory of what it felt like to be inside her was all too real. The memory of her vulnerability, of the way she’d given herself to me…was all too real.
Raven fidgeted and still wouldn’t look at me.
“Why do I make you so nervous?” I asked.
She turned to meet my gaze. “I don’t know,” she barely whispered.
“It’s okay if you’d rather just let this all go. But for me…I feel like there’s a lot left unsaid between us. If I hadn’t seen you again, maybe I could have lived with that. But you’re going to be in my life because of Dad. We will see each other again, and I don’t want it to be uncomfortable.”
She nodded. “I get that.”
Raindrops pelted the windows as a typical, late-afternoon Florida shower came in.
“Can I ask you a favor, Raven?”
“Okay…”
“Will you be real with me? If I ask you something, will you be honest?”
She was quiet for a really long time, but finally nodded.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
* * *
RAVEN
He wanted me to be honest. Was that even possible? I took a deep breath. He deserved as much honesty as I could give him without hurting him.
“Do I...upset you?” he asked.
My heart thumped against my chest. “No.”
“You just look so sad when I’m around. I could swear you’re about to cry sometimes.”
This beautiful man thinks he upsets me. He doesn’t realize I still love him so much it hurts.
I needed to look into his eyes for this. “I promise you don’t upset me. I have a lot of regrets about how I handled us. You being back has brought them to the surface again.”
“You weren’t happy when I told Paige about us, though. You were very upset at me that day.”
“Well, yeah, okay, that upset me. You promised you wouldn’t say anything. But I understand why you did,” I added quickly. “She’s your fiancée. You need to be honest with her. And I’m sorry I asked you to keep the truth from her. That wasn’t fair.”
He nodded. “Thank you for understanding why I told her. But I did feel like shit. You’ve been so good to Dad, and you work so hard. I didn’t want to cause you stress. I can see why you didn’t want things to be awkward.”
“It’s okay, Gavin.”
Though I was avoiding his eyes, I could feel his stare with every inch of my soul.
His next question jarred me. “Have you been in
love with anyone?”
Not since you. Not by a longshot.
“No.”
“You’ve had boyfriends, though.”
“Yes, I have. But I never fell in love. My longest relationship was two years. His name was Ray. We worked together at the hospital. He was a nurse, too. He cared very deeply for me…wanted to marry me. I wanted to love him, but in the end, I couldn’t get to the point where I could see myself spending the rest of my life with him. So I let him go.”
“Where is he now?”
“He’s married with a couple of kids, actually.”
Gavin seemed to let that sink in. An emotion I couldn’t quite identify clouded his face. “Okay.”
I had to ask him a question, too. I wanted to hear his answer out loud.
“I’m assuming, since you’re marrying her, that you’re in love with Paige?”
He glanced out the window at the rain. “I do love her, yes. I mean…I’m at peace. I haven’t had a feeling of contentment with a woman until her.”
And that was precisely why I couldn’t tell him. He was happy. At peace. Paige had put him back together, made him feel loved. Even if I told him the truth, he would choose her over me, and I wouldn’t survive that devastation.
“But love manifests itself differently with different people, you know?” he added suddenly. “What I have with her is a more mature type of love. What I felt for you…was different.”
Different. “How so?”
He closed his eyes and laughed a little. “It was...crazy. So fucking crazy. Intense. But now I wonder if that’s because maybe…it wasn’t real.”
I looked up, my eyes meeting his for the first time in a while. “Wasn’t real?”
“What I mean is…maybe it was premature. Too much too fast. Your true feelings at the time proved I was in way over my head, right? I was apparently the only one who felt that strongly. I sometimes wonder if what I experienced with you was love or if it was something else, like a deep and powerful infatuation. All I know is I’ve never felt anything like it since.”
I’d had him doubting whether he ever truly loved me? I struggled silently against my tears. The thought of him doubting what we had, thinking it was something other than love, caused an ache deep within me.
What I’d had with Gavin was the realest, most wonderful love I could ever imagine. It had prevented me from falling in love with anyone else. But his perspective made sense. I’d given him no reason to believe what we had was the real deal.
I sat there speechless, trying to keep my tears at bay.
Gavin turned toward me. “I promised myself I wasn’t going to go here…to this place of vulnerability with you, Raven. But it’s really hard to keep it all inside. I keep wanting to ask you why. I know you answered that question years ago. It’s just never been a good-enough answer for some reason.”
“I was young and stupid. But please...don’t ever think what we experienced wasn’t real for me. Yes, I ended it. But every second of it was real, Gavin.”
I lost the battle with my tears, and they came rushing forth.
He looked understandably confused as he grabbed a tissue from the center console and handed it to me.
I sniffled. “Thank you. I’m sorry for losing it.”
He shook his head as I blew my nose.
“It took me a really long time…” he said. “A really long time to get over you. I’ve gone through many relationships since, and had more meaningless trysts than I care to admit. No matter what—or who—I did…I couldn’t erase you. So I stopped trying. I just moved on despite the lingering feelings. They’re still there, just not as loud.”
Fear gripped me as I felt everything at the tip of my tongue, ready to spill out.
“I didn’t bring you here to push guilt,” he said. “I just needed to let some of this out. I’m really okay, Raven. It was a long time ago. I want you to know how much I appreciate what you’re doing for Dad. I just need you to be okay when I come home. After I marry Paige…” He hesitated.
He didn’t need to finish that sentence.
It hit me all at once. After he marries Paige. If I continued working for Mr. M, I’d have to see him and Paige when they came home to visit. I’d have a front-row seat to their lives—to their children. I felt like I was going to hyperventilate.
He must have noticed my panic, because he suddenly started the car. “Okay. You know what? This is too much. I’m sorry. Let’s drive for a bit.”
Gavin took off and drove west for a while. We ended up in Wellington, which was about thirty minutes from where I lived.
The ride remained silent until Marni sent a text asking if I was still coming to her house tonight.
“Shit,” I said.
Gavin glanced down at the phone in my hands. “What?”
“I forgot Marni is having a cookout tonight. I told her I would stop by.”
“Really? It’d be great to see Marni. Would you mind if I came with you and said hello? I can drop you off and leave right after. I won’t stay.”
What am I supposed to say? No? “Yeah. I’m sure she’d love to see you.”
“Great.” He smiled. “We should bring something, though, right? It would be rude to show up empty-handed.”
“Yeah. I hadn’t thought that through.”
“Why don’t we stop at the store?”
“Okay.” I smiled.
Gavin turned around and headed back toward West Palm before eventually stopping at the supermarket. It was drizzling as we walked through the parking lot.
At one point, Gavin accidentally stepped on the back of my shoe, almost causing me to trip.
He placed his hands on my shoulders. “Shit. I’m sorry. Are you okay?”
His touch warmed me. The emotions still swirling from our talk in the car made me particularly sensitized.
“I’m fine.” Well, not really.
Once inside, we browsed the aisles for something to bring. An ache radiated from my chest the entire time. It felt surreal to be shopping with him. We’d missed out on these types of everyday things over the years. This. I’d rather be doing this mundane thing with Gavin than anything else anywhere in the world. Because it’s never the place. It’s always the person.
I hoped Paige realized how lucky she was to get to spend her life with Gavin, to do these simple things with this wonderful man, to sleep next to him at night and hear him tell her he loved her.
At one point, I excused myself to the bathroom to find my composure.
Five minutes later, when I rejoined him, we settled on one of those massive bottles of wine Gavin liked. On the way to the register, I caught myself pushing the cart ever so slowly, because I didn’t want this to end. Once it did, he’d be one step closer to leaving.
In the checkout line, Gavin made polite conversation with the cashier. I barely heard a word they said as I stared up at his gorgeous features, burning these last moments with him into my memory, wondering if this was the last time we’d ever be out anywhere together alone.
When we got back into the car, he turned to me. “You good?”
“Yeah.” I forced a smile.
Gavin examined my face for a few seconds. I knew he could tell I was lying.
He started the engine and took off toward Marni’s house.
I snuck in a text to my friend while his attention was on the road.
Raven: Long story but Gavin is coming with me. He just wants to say hello.
Marni: ?????!!!!!
Raven: It’s nothing like that. We were talking and I told him I was coming here. He wants to say hi. That’s all.
Marni: !!!!!!!!!!
I had the jitters as we pulled up to Marni’s. This whole thing made me uncomfortable, although I could understand Gavin’s wanting to see her. They’d become pretty good friends in their own right that summer, and my leaving him so abruptly had meant the end of the friendship they’d developed as well.
Marni opened the gate before we even had a chance to full
y exit the car.
“Oh my God. Rich Boy!” She rushed over to us and pulled Gavin into a hug. “It’s so good to see you.”
“Holy shit. I didn’t expect to tear up,” she said, wiping her eyes.
Gavin pulled back to look at her face, then brought her into another hug. “You missed me that much?”
She wiped her eyes again. “I guess I did.”
“It’s so good to see you, Marni. You look exactly the same.”
“You look even better, you jackass.”
We all got a good laugh at that.
When Marni glanced over at me, I just knew. She was crying for me. Because she loved me and knew how hard this whole thing had been.
“I hope you’re staying,” she said to him.
Gavin turned to me. “I wasn’t planning to.”
“Stay,” Marni insisted. “We have a lot of food, and you have to meet my daughter.”
I knew he was looking for my approval since he’d invited himself over here.
“You should stay,” I finally said.
“I’d love to.”
“It’s settled, then,” Marni said as she took the wine from him and grabbed me by the arm. “Help yourself to some booze or munchies, Gav. I’m gonna steal Raven to come help me inside for a sec.”
“Are you sure I can’t help, too?” he asked.
“No. Just chill out in the yard.”
“Okay.”
She dragged me into the kitchen. Jenny was mixing alcohol, juice, and fruit in a giant punch bowl.
“Hey, Raven.”
“Hi, Jenny.”
Marni looked over her shoulder to make sure Gavin hadn’t followed us in. “I’m so sorry I lost it like that. It’s just...seeing you with him after all this time… It got to me.”
And now it was getting to me. God, please don’t let me tear up right now.
“I know it did.”
“He looks really good.”
I rolled my eyes. “Don’t I know that, too.”
“It makes me so mad.”
I gave her a warning look.
“I promise I’ll be good,” she said.
“You’d better.”
“Let me go get Julia. She has to wake up, or she’ll never sleep tonight.”
The Day He Came Back Page 19
