“I meant to tell you. I’m thinking of staying in Florida a little while longer.”
“What? Why?”
“I don’t have any reason to leave yet.”
No way I wanted my brother here while I was back in London and couldn’t keep an eye on him. I didn’t want him anywhere near my father—or Raven, for that matter—in his current state. He needed to go back to California and get help. Staying in Florida would only delay that.
“You’re not staying here.”
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me. You’re not fucking staying here. The staff is not paid to take care of you. And I don’t want to worry about what you’re doing in this house.”
“What I’m doing or who I’m doing?” His eyes seared into mine. “Come on. You don’t think I know what this is really about? You don’t trust me with Raven. You actually think I’d fuck you over like that?”
“I don’t think you’d fuck me over sober. But you have no control over yourself when you’re drunk.”
“Look who’s talking, as you sit there with your bottle of vodka. That was Mother’s favorite kind, by the way.”
“Leave our mother out of this.”
“Okay, you don’t want to talk about Mother. Let’s get back to the fact that you seem to think you have a right to tell me I can’t stay in my own house.”
“I do have the right. I have power of attorney, remember? I make the decisions where our father and this house are concerned, and if I say you can’t stay, you have no choice but to listen.”
I should’ve known better than to bring up that subject. Weldon was bitter that my father had signed power of attorney over to me without a second thought. Even though it had made the most sense at the time, it had only solidified Weldon’s belief that my father always favored me. Bringing it up now, I’d gone too far.
“Now you’re threatening me? You think you’re so fucking smart. You don’t know shit, not even about the worst thing that’s ever happened to you.”
The worst thing that’s ever happened to me? “What the fuck are you talking about?”
“Right under your nose, and you had no fucking clue.”
If there was one thing I hated, it was being manipulated by my own family. I’d had just enough vodka to not give a fuck about the consequences when I took him by the collar and dragged him over to the wall of the pool house.
“You’d better tell me what you’re talking about, or I swear to God, I’ll choke you.”
He struggled to speak. “Let go of me.”
I wouldn’t. Instead, I twisted his collar tighter as he remained pinned against the wall. “Tell me what you’re talking about.”
He coughed out, “Raven…”
My blood pressure rose. I gripped him tighter. “What about Raven?”
Under my nose.
Had he touched her?
Had something happened between them?
“It was Mother…”
I let his words register.
My heart sank.
“What about Mother?” When he didn’t answer, I urged him to speak. “Weldon…”
“Oh fuck,” he said under his breath, as if he’d made a huge mistake.
It was too late.
I gritted my teeth. “Weldon…what about Mother, and what does this have to do with Raven?”
Dread filled me.
No. No. No.
It couldn’t be.
Please tell me that didn’t happen. Because that would be the only thing worse than what I’d believed all these years.
“Weldon!” I screamed, my voice echoing in the night.
“Mother made her go away,” he blurted.
My entire body went into shock and I let go. He dropped to the ground and struggled to catch his breath.
“So help me God, if you’re lying about this…”
“I swear on our mother’s grave. It’s the truth.”
And now I knew he wasn’t lying.
Hardly able to speak, I said, “What…what did she…”
“She found out Dad was paying Renata’s medical bills. She went ballistic, went to Raven’s house, and threatened her. She promised the payments would stop and said she’d cut you off from this family forever if Raven didn’t break up with you and make it look like it was her choice.”
My head was spinning. “You knew about this?”
“Not at the time. I found out years later. Mother confessed to me one night. I didn’t think there was any point in telling you by that time. It only would have hurt you and turned you against her.”
The worst feeling of nausea hit me all of a sudden. Clutching my stomach, I ran for the bushes and hurled. I kept vomiting until there was nothing left, as if I were expelling the lies my life had been ruled by over the past decade.
I collapsed to the ground and sat on the pavement as a tornado of emotions tore through me—anger and betrayal, but mostly pure sadness…loss. Ten years of living a lie. Apparently, I was the only one who didn’t know. I thought about Raven and the fact that she’d let me go despite what I now realized—that she might have loved me back.
What she did…it was all for Renata. It was selfless. And honestly, I couldn’t even be mad at anyone but my mother. How could I ever forgive her for this? Does forgiveness even matter if the person is gone?
Everything made sense now. Every damn thing, especially the pain in Raven’s eyes whenever she was around me now—around Paige.
Paige.
The woman I’m marrying.
My chest felt so constricted I could hardly breathe. Holy shit. I couldn’t even begin to comprehend this.
Too impaired to drive, I couldn’t go to Raven tonight. I considered taking off on foot but decided against it. I needed a night to process this, to think about what this meant and how it affected my life.
Paige.
Paige loved me. I loved her, but was it enough to make me forget what I now knew?
***
When the sun came up, I hadn’t slept for shit, still having no clue how I was going to admit to Raven that I knew. I decided I should just go talk to her.
Maybe something would click inside my head while I was there, something that would tell me what the hell I was supposed to do. Maybe she’d assure me the feelings she’d had for me weren’t there anymore, and that would make this decision easier. The pain in her eyes very well could’ve been guilt.
After taking a long, hot shower to try to ease the ache, I got dressed and headed downstairs.
The first thing Genevieve said to me was, “Raven called in sick today. The agency is sending a replacement for the day nurse shift.”
Of course.
I played dumb. “Did she say why?”
“It was the agency that called. I don’t know what’s going on, but she’s never called in sick before. Hope she’s okay.”
She’s not.
She wasn’t sick. She was avoiding me, and I couldn’t blame her.
“Genevieve, I have to leave for a couple of hours. Please make sure whoever is coming to fill in for Raven has everything they need. Call me if there’s any problem.”
“Will do, Gavin.”
***
When I got to Raven’s, I stayed in the car for a few minutes to grab my bearings. It was still early. She might have been sleeping. I almost wondered if I should peek inside first, get a feel for whether she was awake. I didn’t want to wake her up. Seeing me after last night was going to be enough of a rude awakening as it was.
A nostalgic feeling came over me as I walked over to the side of the house and peeked in her bedroom window, just like I used to. Her bed was empty.
Then, I looked over toward the corner of her yard and spotted her. Raven had her legs crossed in a yoga pose as she breathed in and out. Her eyes were closed. She seemed to be deep into a meditation. I thought back to how she’d studied it when we were trying to help her mother.
Raven’s long, black hair was tied into a side braid. Bohemi
an beauty. She wore nothing but a bikini top and shorts. This was the most scantily clad I’d seen her since I returned home. She was clearly in a zone, tuning everything out. It was quiet aside from the sound of birds chirping.
Her eyes remained closed. As I got closer and really took her in, it became clear to me that one thing about her was very different. I remembered Raven’s body. Every inch, every curve was burned into my memory. I’d often wished I could forget it.
And now, as my eyes lingered on her chest, I was confused.
So damn confused.
Why would she do that?
“Raven,” I called.
She jumped and opened her eyes. “Gavin! What are you doing here?”
“We need to talk.”
She covered herself with her arms. “How long have you been standing there?”
“Several minutes.”
She looked down at her chest and back up at me.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
* * *
RAVEN
Gavin’s eyes had grown huge.
There was no way around it; I had to explain.
My heart raced.
Feeling exposed, I lowered my arms. Only a small triangle of fabric covered my breasts. I definitely wouldn’t have worn such a skimpy top if I’d known Gavin was going to show up in my yard.
He sat down on the grass across from me and waited.
I swallowed. “They’re...obviously implants.”
He blinked in confusion. “They’re nice…but your breasts were so beautiful. I don’t understand why you—”
“I had them removed, Gavin. My breasts are gone.”
He still looked perplexed. “What?”
“I had what’s called a prophylactic mastectomy two years ago. It was a preventative measure because I tested positive for the BRCA mutation, which gives me a much higher chance of breast cancer than the average woman. After what happened to my mother, I didn’t want to take any chances. So, at my doctor’s recommendation, I decided to be proactive.”
He let out a long breath as he looked down at my breasts. “Okay…wow,” he muttered.
“I don’t think you knew this,” I said. “But my grandmother also had breast cancer. Given that my mom got it so young, and so did her mother, I thought it was best if I looked into my genetic risk. I didn’t have to have them removed. Plenty of people just do surveillance—check-ups every six months with MRIs and mammograms—but I didn’t want to have to worry about it. Removing them doesn’t completely erase the risk for breast cancer, but it diminishes it significantly.”
He shook his head. “I just knew...”
“You knew what?”
“That you’d been through something major you weren’t telling me. Something about you seemed different. I couldn’t figure out what it was. Now I know.”
“Yeah,” I whispered.
“I can’t even imagine the strength it took to make that decision.” He reached for my hand. “I’m so glad you did it, that you’ll be okay.”
“Hopefully…”
When he looked down at my breasts this time, I no longer felt vulnerable. I’d thought about him so much when I was going through the torment of trying to decide what to do. I’d wondered about what he would’ve thought, the advice he would have given me.
“And they’re beautiful,” he said. “You’re beautiful.”
“It was the second hardest thing I ever did in my life.”
I could feel myself starting to tear up, because I knew I had to tell him the truth. After staying up all night and meditating this morning, I’d come to the conclusion that Marni was right. I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t tell him before he left.
Before I could get the words out, he took both of my hands in his, looked me in the eyes and said, “I know, Raven.”
My hands began to tremble. “You know what?”
When a teardrop rolled down his cheek, I no longer had to wonder.
Holy shit. He’s crying.
He knows?
How?
“I know what you did for your mother,” he said. “I know my mother threatened you. I know you didn’t really want to break up with me. I know you’ve lived with this secret for ten years. I know everything. Every goddamn thing.”
Oh my God.
He knows.
He really knows.
A huge weight lifted off my chest. He’d taken away the burden of having to explain. But I still had no idea how he knew.
“How did you find out?”
Gavin grasped my hands tighter. “I was pretty fucked up after leaving you last night. I ended up drinking more than I should’ve. That led to an altercation with my brother who—big surprise—was also drunk. He blurted out something that alluded to a secret. Then he said your name. Then I nearly choked him until he admitted the full truth.”
Weldon. Jesus.
There was so much I wanted to express, but the words wouldn’t come. Neither of us seemed to be able to find the right thing to say.
Gavin let go of my hands and lay down next to where I was sitting on the ground. Seeming mentally exhausted, he laid the back of his head against my thigh and looked up at the sky.
The morning breeze blew through his hair. I couldn’t help but run my fingers through the strands. He closed his eyes.
We stayed like this, listening to the birds sing, for a long while. I could feel his pain and confusion in my bones. It was clear he hadn’t even begun to process what all of this meant.
It wasn’t exactly the way I might have imagined this playing out, but this wasn’t some windswept, romantic figment of my imagination. This was reality. And the reality? It wasn’t just us in the equation anymore. He was engaged to another woman. He had a life in another country. In his continuing silence, I could feel confusion emanating from him.
As my fingers continued to thread through his beautiful, thick hair, I wondered if I was touching my Gavin or someone else’s. I couldn’t breathe that sigh of relief I so desperately wanted to. Instead, my chest was tight. He’d never known I loved him. This was my only chance to tell him how I felt, even if it was too late.
He opened his eyes and finally looked up at me. That was my cue.
“Gavin…I...” I hesitated to catch my breath. “I never got over it. Never got over you. I tried so hard to make the other relationships I had work, but the memory of what it felt like to be with you… It always felt like I was selling myself short. You can’t give your heart to someone when it belongs to someone else. You’ve always had my heart, even though you didn’t know it.”
He reached up and cupped my face, caressing my cheek with his thumb. He remained silent as he continued to look at me.
I closed my eyes a moment. “Letting you go was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. It felt like part of me died that day, and I’ve never gotten it back. We only had one summer, but it was everything to me. I never had a chance to tell you how I felt, that I was in love with you, too. I loved you, Gavin. So much. I still do.”
Admitting that last part was a little risky, but it was all the truth. I did still love him, and I needed him to know.
He kept nodding, and then he let out a shaky breath. “I’m sorry, Raven. I’m sorry my mother manipulated us. I’m sorry I trusted her word and never figured out the truth. At the time, I begged her to tell me if she had anything to do with it, and she swore she didn’t. I stupidly bought it. I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you when your mother died. I’m sorry I wasn’t here for everything else you’ve been through since. I’m sorry you’ve had to see me with Paige. I’m just…sorry. So fucking sorry for everything.”
“Please don’t apologize.”
He closed his eyes again, but this time, I didn’t feel so comfortable running my fingers through his hair. Something about his apology, his reluctance to return my declaration of unwavering love, sparked panic inside.
Then he asked, “Why didn’t you come find me after your mother died? Why didn’t you tell
me the truth then?”
I tried to explain my reasoning as best I could. “I was in such a bad place after I lost her. I felt very vulnerable, and honestly, I still feared your mother, that she would harm me somehow for telling you the truth—that she would do something bad to you, too. It had been three years, and I also worried you’d moved on. There were a lot of reasons that seemed legitimate at the time, but I see now that they were all just fear—the same reason it took me so long to admit the truth to you now.”
I waited for him to say something—anything—for agonizing moments.
He sighed deeply. “I don’t feel like I have any answers. There’s so much I need to figure out. There’s a lot I want to say to you right now, but I don’t know if any of it’s appropriate under the circumstances. I need to step back and process all of this.”
I tensed up. “Of course.”
We sat in silence for a bit until he said, “I have to go back to London tomorrow.”
I knew he was leaving, and what did I expect him to say or do under the circumstances? He was engaged. His life was there. Even if he still had feelings for me, he had to go back. London was his home.
I had to accept that there was a very good chance his knowledge of the truth wouldn’t change anything. This was far from my dream outcome. But at least he knew. At least I no longer had to live with the burden of that lie, one I thought I’d take to my grave. For that, I was grateful.
Gavin stood up, and I followed suit. He locked his fingers with mine. As he towered over me, I looked up into his beautiful blue eyes and thanked God for at least giving me the opportunity to tell him how I felt.
He took me in his arms and held me tight. The frantic beat of his heart reflected the turmoil within him. Was this our goodbye?
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
* * *
RAVEN
Gavin left for London two weeks ago. He hadn’t contacted me once.
That made me both sad and anxious—each day worse than the day before.
The Day He Came Back Page 21
