by Mike Resnick
"And three times as dumb!" snapped Sharon.
"That's not always a disadvantage in bed."
"Take a good long look at her and engrave it in your memory," said Sharon. "Because if you lay a finger on her, I'm going to claw your eyes out."
"I'm certainly glad to see we're maintaining the simple, uncommitted relationship we agreed upon," said Cole with a smile.
"You're not leaving the ship," she repeated.
"May I go back to reading my book now?"
"Fuck you, Wilson Cole!" she snapped and broke the connection.
"I guess that means yes," he said to himself.
The problem was, he knew she was right. He was a little shorter than average, a little older than average, and would never have survived his first year in the service if he'd had to count on his physical abilities instead of his brain. And much as he resented it, that brain told him that his place was on the Teddy R, not boarding an enemy ship that could be hiding fifty armed men or be rigged to explode.
The problem was that he trusted himself more than he trusted anyone else. He didn't believe in senseless bloodshed, even if it was all being spilled on the other side. He'd recently freed the planet Rapunzel without firing a shot. He'd taken command of the Teddy R not to kill more of the enemy, but to avoid killing five million Men who were in the middle of things through no fault of their own. He didn't doubt for a second that Bull Pampas and Jack-in-the-Box and the others could handle an attack in close quarters far better than he could-but he was convinced that no one aboard the ship could prevent such an attack better than himself.
He was still considering his options when Mustapha Odom contacted him.
"I hope I'm not disturbing you, sir," said the engineer.
"No," replied Cole. "I've been waiting to hear from you. What have you come up with?"
"There are a number of ways to do it, but I think the best way is to disable our external stabilizer."
"Would you care to put that in terms I can understand?" asked Cole.
"The external stabilizer is what prevents the ship from rolling or spinning if one thruster becomes inoperative. If I disable it, as well as shutting down the power plant, we could spin gently in a circle without going anywhere, or we might enter into an endless series ofhow can I describe it?-somersaults in space." Odom smiled. "That should convince any observers that we're helpless."
"Why will that be more convincing that just shutting down the light drive?"
"They know that anyone can shut down a power plant and then start it up again if the situation gets too dangerous," answered Odom. "But if you try to go to light speeds while the ship is spinning or some- saulting in space, you'll break it into pieces."
"How will it affect the crew inside the ship?" asked Cole. "Will we have to strap ourselves in?"
Odom shook his head. "Not if we spin in a circle rather than head over heels. Part of any ship's emergency life-support system is the artificial gravity."
"Right," said Cole. "Can't have internal organs and body parts floating away during emergency surgery." He paused. "So you're assuring me that no one will float away, or lose their lunches?"
"That's right, sir."
"How long will it take to set it up?" asked Cole.
"Once you reach the spot you want and we brake to sublight speeds it'll take from one to ten minutes to come to a complete stop in space, depending on how fast we were going, and then just a few seconds to start a very gentle spinning."
"If I were a pirate ship approaching the Teddy R," said Cole, "I'd want to know how it managed to start spinning if its power was dead."
"Allah was not a neat craftsman, sir. The universe is filled with His leftovers. Any solar debris could set us spinning. It couldn't be something as big as a meteor or an asteroid; that would crush us or break us apart. But I assume we're not going to be doing this inside any star system, so we're not going to come across any meteors or asteroids anyway."
"All right. As soon as we decide upon the area we want, I'll have you contact Christine Mboya and explain what kind of debris we're looking for, and she can have Pilot position the ship so we're surrounded by it. This debris isn't going to stop another ship from approaching, is it?"
"Not as long as they've got power, sir," answered Odom promptly.
"And if they didn't, they couldn't approach anyway," concluded Cole. "Thank you very much, Mr. Odom. You've been most helpful."
Cole broke the connection, decided he wasn't interested in reading after all, got to his feet, walked out into the corridor, tried as always not to wince at the dilapidated condition of the ship's interior, and took the airlift to the bridge. Forrice was there, along with Domak, a warrior-caste Polonoi female, and Christine Mboya.
"Don't say it," muttered Cole as Christine jumped to her feet and announced: "Captain on the bridge!"
Forrice didn't bother to salute, but Domak and Christine did. They knew better than to wait for Cole to return their salutes, and both sat back down at their stations.
Cole walked over to Christine, glancing at all the incomprehensible formulae on her various screens. "Any progress?" he asked.
"I think so, sir," she replied. "The closest of the major trade routes seems to be between Binder X and Far London, which is at the edge of the Republic, just two parsecs from the Inner Frontier. We could position ourself between them in less than a day at maximum speed, maybe sooner if Wxakgini can pinpoint a hyperspacial tunnel."
"Keep looking," said Cole. "That's too damned close to the Republic. We may have removed our insignia, but if they spot an unidentified class- JZ starship, a type that hasn't been manufactured in close to a century, they're going to guess who it is and come after us full force."
"I beg to differ, sir," said Christine. "The Teroni Fleet recently launched a major attack in the Terrazane Sector, and my guess is that every available ship from this section has been transferred there. They may have left a few ships behind to protect the local planets against a surprise attack, but they're not going to desert their posts just to chase after a ship that may or may not be the Theodore Roosevelt."
"I didn't know about the Terrazane attack," admitted Cole.
"There's no reason why you should have, sir," she replied with a smile. "You were in jail, awaiting your court-martial, when the attack came."
"All right, that's where we'll set things up. Once you've picked out an area, have Mustapha Odom speak to Pilot and explain exactly what kind of conditions we're looking for."
"Yes, sir."
"So we're all set?" asked Forrice.
"Pretty much so," answered Cole. "I've got Sharon working on the boarding party."
"You, me, and who else?" asked the Molarian.
"The Captain and the First Officer don't both leave the ship at the same time," said Cole. "That's the stupidest thing you've said in months."
"All right-me and who else?"
"Why you instead of me?"
"To start with, I'm stronger, faster, and younger than you, and I can see better in the dark. Besides, the Captain can't leave the ship in enemy territory."
"Since when has the Inner Frontier been enemy territory?" asked Cole.
"Since we became pirates," answered Forrice promptly. "You've got to stay with the ship."
"Et tu, Brutus?" said Cole.
"I don't understand the language or the reference," said Forrice. Suddenly he smiled. "But I can intuit the meaning."
"Sir?" said Christine.
"Yes?" asked Cole, glad to have the conversation interrupted.
"I'd like to volunteer for the boarding party."
"Absolutely not," said Cole. "I need you aboard the ship."
"But-"
"If Four Eyes is going to go, I need someone I can trust right here." He paused and stared at her, then nodded his head as if he'd made up his mind about something. "You're my new Second Officer."
Her eyes widened. "Me?"
"Would you rather I didn't trust you?"
"No, sir."
"Then it's settled. Choose your eight-hour shift-red, white, or blue. I'll try to arrange to sleep while you're in charge."
"You'll need a Third Officer while I'm off the ship," said Forrice.
"I'm working on it," answered Cole. "That's enough promotions for one trip to the bridge."
"You really meant it, sir?" asked Christine, still surprised.
"Why not?" answered Cole. "You certainly know the ship better than Four Eyes or I do."
"I'll try to prove worthy of it, sir," she continued.
"No speeches," said Cole. "You've already proven worthy of it or you wouldn't have been given it. Now the sooner you decide where we're going to play dead, the sooner Mr. Odom can tell Pilot where to park us."
"Yes, sir," she said, saluting again, then turning her attention back to her computers.
He lingered a few minutes, decided there was nothing else for him to do on the bridge, and returned to his cabin, where he found Sharon waiting for him.
"I guess you're not such a bastard after all," she said.
"Sir?" said Christine Mboya's voice.
Cole came awake instantly. "What is it?"
"I think I've found the right spot. There's all kinds of minor debris there, just the sort of thing Mr. Odom tells me could set us spinning if the power failed." Pause. "Sir, I think something's wrong with the communication system. I can hear you but I can't see you.,,
"Give me a minute to fix it," said Cole.
He nudged Sharon awake, put a finger to her lips before she could speak, and gestured toward the bathroom. She immediately got out of the bed and walked out of camera range, carrying her uniform into the bathroom with her. Cole quickly got dressed, then activated his holo camera and ordered it to transmit his image as well as his speech.
"About how long will it take to reach our chosen destination?" he asked.
"Wxakgini says we'll be there in two more hours, sir," replied Christine.
"Two?" repeated Cole. "I thought we were a day away."
"He found a wormhole that took about eighteen hours off the journey, sir."
"Okay," said Cole. "If Four Eyes is around, tell him to take a nap. There's no sense all of us being up at the same time. I'll relieve you in about ninety minutes, and then I want you to go to your cabin and spend the next eight hours sleeping."
"I don't know if I can, sir," said Christine. "I think I'll be too tense."
"Find a way," he said firmly. "If the ship we want to attract arrives in nineteen hours instead of nine, I want to know that whoever's in charge of the Teddy R will be fresh and well rested."
"In charge?" Christine's eyes widened. "I've never done anything like this before, sir."
"Neither have I," answered Cole. "You'd be surprised how little schooling the Navy gives its senior officers in the art of piracy."
"I mean-"
"I know what you mean," he cut her off. "You're my choice. Live with it."
He broke the connection as Sharon, now in uniform, emerged from the bathroom.
"Time to pick that boarding party," Cole told her.
"I was listening. Two hours?"
"Two hours to get there. It could be ten or twenty before we have company."
"I'll have your party selected in an hour."
"It shouldn't take that long. We've decided on three of them already, and there's no way I can keep Four Eyes off it, so I only need two more."
"How about Slick?" she asked. "You seem to think highly of him. Or is he an it?"
"I don't think gender applies to Tolobites," said Cole. "And don't ask him."
"Oh?"
"I've got better uses for him."
"All right," replied Sharon. "I'll come up with two more and let you know."
"It's your call, of course-but if I were you, I'd consider Domak. Warrior-caste Polonoi of either sex can be pretty hard to kill."
Sharon shook her head. "She's too good at running the ship's systems. If Christine is going to be off duty when you're on the bridge, you might need her."
"Fine. Like I said, it's up to you. Just complete the party in an hour."
"It'll look better if I contact them from Security," she said, walking to the door. "I'll see you later. Remember to make your bed; it's a mess."
"Try not to be so cloyingly romantic and clinging," said Cole sardonically. "I enjoyed it too, but you don't see me carrying on about it."
"I think I'll lock you in a room with Rachel Marcos for a couple of days," said Sharon. "What little remains when she gets finished with you figures to be much more tractable."
She walked out into the corridor and the door sprang shut behind her.
Cole began going over the details of the plan in his mind, feeling vaguely uneasy. There were so few details, he had to be overlooking something, but he couldn't see what. Find an empty spot, not far off a major trade route, a spot the Teddy R might reasonably be thought to have wound up at after a total shutdown of the power plant. He had the exterior cameras check the ship's insignia; it all proclaimed that this was a ship of the Samarkand Cargo Lines. Christine had created an SOS message to his specifications, and the ship would broadcast it on more than two million frequencies simultaneously. It would reach close to forty light-years in every direction. He would have his own boarding party hidden near the main hatch, but he wouldn't send them over until he'd subdued the pirates' boarding party. Whoever was manning the sensors on the bridge would read the atmosphere aboard the pirate ship, as well as the gravity; the Teddy R's boarding party would have space suits handy in case the conditions aboard the pirate ship were inimical to carbon-based oxygen-breathing life. There were three starfaring races that had no eyes, that used some as-yet-undefined senses to maneuver, but none of them were supposed to be on the Inner Frontier. Still, it couldn't hurt to make sure Forrice and the rest of the party were equipped with night-vision lenses to enable them to see the interior of the pirate ship.
There was just one last thing to do before he went to the bridge. He activated his communicator and contacted Slick.
"Yes, sir?" said the Tolobite's image.
"Drop whatever you're doing and meet me in the Gunnery Section right away," said Cole.
He broke the connection even before Slick could answer, then contacted Pampas, gave him the same instructions, left his cabin, walked to an airlift, went down a level, and made his way to the Gunnery Section, where he found the Tolobite waiting for him. Pampas arrived a moment later.
"Bull," said Cole to Pampas, "you used to be Chief Gunnery Officer. I need your expertise."
"It sounded better than Sergeant, sir," replied Pampas with a smile.
"We're all officers since we became pirates," said Cole. "Anyway, you know this section better than anyone else, so as of this moment you're the Temporary Chief Communications Officer."
"What do you want me to do, sir."
"I don't care if you do it yourself or supervise it," said Cole. "First, I want you to rig the communication system here so that there's a constant visual of the bridge. One-way. I want Slick to be able to see the bridge, but I don't want anyone on the bridge to see the Gunnery Section."
"That's easy enough."
"There's more," said Cole. "I also want Slick to be able to see the main hatch. When the pirates board the ship, I want him to know it."
"One-way again, sir?"
Cole nodded his assent. "Right."
"Since the weapons will be aimed from the bridge, we don't need all the viewscreens that are tied in to them." Pampas indicated one that was attached to a pulse cannon. "We'll have the hatch showing on this one. Is that all, sir?"
"Not quite," said Cole. "I also want you to make up a dozen explosive devices that can be detonated from wherever Slick happens to be, inside the ship or outside it."
"How powerful?"
"Not powerful enough to ruin the structural integrity of a ship's hull, but strong enough to take out a weapons system."
"It would have to be an e
xternal weapon, sir," said Pampas.
"That's right."
"The pirates' weapons?"
"Can you think of any other weapons we might want to disable today?"
Pampas smiled. "No, sir. And by the way, thank you for putting me on the boarding party."
"I just hope you're as good at disabling pirates as you are at disabling your fellow crew members," said Cole. Before Pampas could protest, Cole held up a hand. "That was said in admiring tones, Bull. After all, you did it on my orders."
"Yes, sir," said Pampas uneasily.
"Okay, you'd better get to work. Enlist any help you might need, but try to get it done in two hours." Cole turned to Slick. "You've figured out most of it, I presume?"
"You want me to attach the explosives to any external weapons on the pirate ship," said the Tolobite.
"And all but one of their shuttlecraft," said Cole. "That's assuming they have any shuttles, and that they're attached on the ship's exterior."
"Why all the screens, sir?" asked Slick.
"Because it's always possible that an ambulance ship, or simply a ship full of decent beings, will be the first to reach us. I don't want you to leave the Teddy R until your observations convince you that these really are pirates. If they shoot anyone when they enter the hatch, you'll know immediately. If they wait until they reach the bridge and try to take over the ship, you'll know then. But once you know, I want you to go out through the shuttle port, not the main hatch, and start attaching all the explosives."
"When do I detonate them, sir?"
"I want you safely back in the ship first," said Cole.
"I'll be perfectly safe out there," replied Slick. "There are no shock waves in space."
"I know-but there will be a lot of flying weapon fragments. Unless your symbiote is impervious to them, it could get chopped up pretty badly, and I have to assume once it's dead or even punctured, you can't survive in space any longer than I can."
"You're quite right, sir," said Slick. "We hadn't thought of that."
"We?" repeated Cole.
"Myself and my Gorib, sir."
"It understood what I said?" asked Cole. "As far as I can tell, it's just an epidermis. I didn't know it had any sensory receptors."
"We are telepathically connected. It doesn't need sensory inputs when it can use mine."
