by Alexa Riley
But my sweet girl, my reason to wake up in the morning, the reason my heart keeps beating… Alice was the center of my universe since the day I laid eyes on her. I knew she was too young for me. I shouldn’t be chasing high school pussy around like an old man. But damn if I didn’t see all that sugar she had to offer and want a taste.
She was so pure and innocent. I could tell that from the start. And then I found out her goddamn family treated her like shit, and I took care of business. Neither of them would come looking for her and would likely have a hard time looking me in the eye if they did. Nobody lays a hand on what’s mine. And Alice is mine.
I wasn’t able to tell Maggie and Eli what happened and why my plane went down. But I spent weeks in the jungle trying to get home. My sole focus was Alice. My mission was fucked from the beginning, and no way should I have even gone. I was their last chance to make this deal go through, to get information that could save lives. I knew I had to do it. I hadn’t been on a mission since I took over custody of Maggie, and even I didn’t have that kind of magic up my sleeve for what they needed done. I kicked myself once I got out there. It was a fucking waste. Worse, it almost got me killed, and I knew what that would do to Alice. That thought alone almost broke me.
When I could tell it was a lost cause, I immediately started my way back home. My plane was shot down, and I was able to eject before I hit. The impact nearly killed me, but I was able to get out.
But where I landed wasn’t much safer than where I’d left, so I spend days trying to get out of enemy territory. The thought of Alice, knowing she needed me, pushed me. Once I’d made it clear of the worst part, I had to somehow make my way back to civilization and get word back home without compromising my mission.
When I was finally able to get a message out, I was discovered by a local gang and then hunted for another few weeks. It was all kinds of fucked up, and I’m lucky to be alive. I hitched a ride with another crew that was sympathetic to my situation and got me stateside. My first call was to Alice before the military intercepted and gave me a safe channel to call Maggie. I was lucky to be alive, so they weren’t too excited about pressing charges for that.
After a long talk with my commanding officer we agreed that I’d more than served my country and done my duty on this mission. They expressed my paperwork and shipped me home, so now I’m no longer active in the military. No more missions, no more anything. I was retiring and I was damn happy about it. No more being taken away from the people I love most.
I got home, and seeing Maggie and Eli made me so happy. I was content they had both finally got what I’d known was coming. I knew Eli was perfect for her the moment he walked into her life. I was worried at first, but I knew Eli would always do the right thing. He wanted a family, and he’d do anything for the one we’d all been building together, even if at first we didn’t know that we had been doing it.
But there was a hole in my heart waiting to be filled, a missing part of me.
And it’s still waiting to be filled. I have to see her. I feel like I’m being ripped apart from the inside. I need my sweet girl to calm the feeling.
I’ve been driving all night, and I can’t find her. I went everywhere I could think of and still no sign of Alice. Panic is setting in, and it’s like nothing I had when I was in the jungle. The fear of losing Alice is far greater than the fear of something happening to me. I don’t know what I’d do without her. I push that thought away because I won’t be living without her. I will find her and drag her little ass back home, remind her where she belongs.
Fuck. I never should have left to begin with. It’s a bitter pill to swallow. I know the kid whose place I took would have never made it out of that jungle, but fuck, my girl is missing, alone somewhere.
I grip the wheel tighter, thinking about her not being alone. I’d murder someone if they touched her. I let my bad thoughts get the best of me. No, she wouldn’t do that. Not my girl.
Finally when I loop back through town, an idea pops in my head. I drive out to the little shop I bought for her, thinking maybe she went there. It’s late by now, and I don’t know why she’d be there, but it’s the only other thing I can think of.
When I pull up to the front, I can see the glow of a light through the front window. I growl as I get out of my car and slam the door shut. When I walk up to the door, I grab the handle and see that it’s locked. At least she’s keeping herself somewhat safe.
I stomp around to the back of the building to see if there’s another way in. I shake my head in disbelief. Why did she take off? I told her I was okay and I was on my way home.
Hell, I told her I loved her, and I’ve gotten nothing but radio silence on that. I keep telling myself it’s okay though. She doesn’t have to say it back for it to mean anything. I know she cares about me. I know she loves me, even if she can’t form the words.
I’ll wait for her to say it back, and I won’t push. But she’ll hear it from me every damn day until the end of my life, if I have any say over it. She’s spent the first part of her life feeling unloved and neglected. I never want her to feel that way with me. I never want her to have even the smallest doubt about how I feel, and I will make sure she knows it. I never wanted to hide our relationship. She’s not a dirty secret I was trying to hide. Sure, I’m older than her, and she’s friends with my daughter. But she was legal before anything happened between us, and I’ve never been sorry for one second.
If it were up to me, I’d shout it to the world, but I was trying to respect the privacy she asked for. She never asked me for anything else, so I thought I could give her that. But in reality, it’s just wedged a space between us. The only reason I can see her taking off is that she knows I’d make a big display of being back home and in her arms. There’s nothing I want more than to have her with me, and that’s all I was trying to get back to. She’s running because she’s scared. I know it in my bones.
Well, that’s over and done. The hiding is happening no more. Life is short, and I got all the proof I needed when I thought I’d never see her again when I was out in the fucking jungle. I’m going to get her and drag her ass back to our home no matter what she says. I know what’s inside her damn heart. Because it’s the same thing in mine. And I won’t have her belittle what I feel for her or what we share by sticking it in a corner.
When I make it around to the back of the building, I see there’s an exit. I grab the handle and it turns, making me feel both relieved and pissed. How could she be so careless?
I walk in and close the door behind me, locking it. I look around. I see some of the supplies she ordered. I walk down a hallway, I see the room the glow was coming from.
My heart breaks at the sight. Alice is cuddled up on an air mattress in the corner of the room with a little lamp on the floor beside her. God, why would she subject herself to this? Doesn’t she know she deserves to sleep on a bed of silk? She deserves to be treated like a queen, not to be homeless and in desperate need of a safe place to sleep.
Tears sting my eyes, and I angrily push them away.
No. Not my woman.
I stomp over to where she is and scoop her up in my arms. She jerks away and lets out a tiny shout as I stride to the front and out the door.
“Major—”
“No. Don’t you dare say a word to me until we are home,” I growl as I carry her out to my car. “Our goddamn home.”
Chapter Two
Alice
“Why does nobody want me?”
Thomas misses a beat in his step but keeps moving toward the front door of the house. I don’t know why I say it out loud. Maybe it’s all the silence eating at me. The car ride felt long without either one of us talking. I still don’t know how he drove with me in his lap.
I know why I said it out loud, because I want him to tell me it’s a lie. But he keeps quiet while moving toward the house. I feel myself start to get sick.
I hold on to him tighter, and the nausea fades a little as I breathe him in. I
feel calm for the first time since he left for his mission. But it only lasts for a moment because then I remember there might be another mission soon. And another after that. I could still lose him. I’m letting myself sink even more into him knowing that he could be taken from me so easily. Just a phone call and he’d be gone. Forever.
I was so confused when he’d gone on a mission to begin with, because Maggie said he never did. A small voice in the back of my head wonders if it was me who pushed him to go. Maybe he needed to get away from me for a while. It was something my dad did to get away from my mom and me—always working late, always asking me to leave him alone because he had work to do, when he was really doing other things. Like going to bars or playing games on his computer. He did it so much I stopped asking questions. I stopped trying to get his attention.
I hear the front door open, and I dig my fingers into Thomas, my nausea coming back full force. I bury my face into his neck, not caring that I’m being a coward about seeing Maggie. Maybe she’ll be so excited about the two of us being back home, that she’ll ignore the fact that we’re together.
“Fuck, I missed you holding on to me. You have no idea.” His voice sounds almost choked as he says it.
“I have to tell you something before we see Maggie,” I rush to say, remembering that she knows I’m pregnant. If she see me with her dad like this, I’m guessing she will know who the father is.
“She went home,” he says.
I pull back to look at Thomas, really getting a good look at him now that we are in the hallway. The light shines down on both of us. I reach up to touch a small cut that’s on his eyebrow. I know it wasn’t there before he left. I know every part of this man’s body.
“You’re okay with her and Eli?”
“I want her to be happy. Just like I know she’ll want me to be happy, too,” he tells me as he swings open the door to his room and carries me in. He sits me on the bed and walks over to the chair in the corner of the room, pulling it closer.
I knew he’d be okay with Maggie and Eli. I had a feeling he knew something was going on between them from the start but didn’t say anything.
He puts the chair next to the bed, but not close enough for me to reach out and touch him. I hate the distance. I want to go back to being in his arms. The nausea grows, and I know what will come. This baby has all the control, and he seems to like his father’s smell. Why they call it morning sickness I have no freaking clue. I’m sick all day.
He sits down in the chair and leans forward with his hands on his knees. I can see him gripping them tight, the white starting to show in his knuckles. His face is hard, something I’m not used to. He’s always so sweet and soft with me. I both hate and love it. He thinks I’m breakable, and it’s true. Look at me now. It’s pathetic. I can’t go a day without crying or feeling like I might snap.
“Are you mad at me?” I half whisper, hating the idea. I don’t recall him ever being upset. Even when he’d push for us to come out as a couple, he never seemed angry, only disappointed.
His face softens a little, the lines around his eyes showing. If it weren’t for the lines and his gray hair, I don’t think people would notice much of an age difference between us. But maybe I’m wrong. Everyone always says I look younger than I am.
“No, sweet one, I’m trying to keep from touching you.” I scoot a little more toward the edge of the bed, my body moving on its own. It’s always been that way with him. My body and heart. My brain is the only one that seems to get in the way of us.
He narrows his eyes but cocks his head to the side. A small smile pulls at his lips as he watches me. “Don’t tempt me. You’re already wearing my shirt and not much else. Have mercy on an old man.”
“You’re not old,” I mumble. He’s not even forty yet. He also doesn’t act old. He has more energy than I do. That man keeps me up all night sometimes. My face heats at the reminder.
“See? No mercy. Now you’re blushing, and you know what that does to me.” I can’t stop from glancing at his cock, and I blush even more when I see he knows where I’m looking. I miss making love to him. Feeling that utter closeness, it’s addicting. “I’ve been without you almost a month.” His words are pained. “Not touching you right now is harder than those weeks in the jungle fighting to get back to you.”
I rise to go to him, but he puts his hand up. “Sit down, sweet one. I won’t be able to talk if you’re in my lap.”
I nod and reluctantly sit down. I desperately want to be close to him, but I don’t know what he’s been through these past few weeks. I’m sure it was worse than mine, and that makes me feel terrible.
“Fuck, don’t do that to me. You know I’d give you anything I can. Give me a minute. I want to get us straight. Get everything out and tell you how things are going to be from this point on.” His tone is firm, which is still not normal for him when it comes to me. A little bit of worry creeps up my spine. “But know this, no matter how this conversation goes, your little ass is here. One way or another, before the sun rises, you’ll be agreeing to marry me.”
My gaze drops down to my stomach, covered by his oversized shirt. I’ve been wearing his clothes every night since he left, oftentimes sneaking into his room at night to sleep, trying to smell him on the sheets.
I want to throw myself at him, tell him yes, I’ll marry him. I’ve wanted to say it every time he brought it up before. He’d never actually asked, just always said it was going to happen. Sooner rather than later.
“I’m not good for you,” I finally push past my lips, knowing he’s waiting for me to say something.
“Because you think everyone always leaves. That one day I might think you’re no good for me so I’ll leave?” he asks softly. I can’t even bring myself to look up at him.
I shake my head. He’s only partly right. “You’d never really leave me. I mean, for a mission, sure, but if we got married you’d never leave. Not even if you wanted to. That’s not who you are.” He’s too honorable for that. Thomas loves his family, and he’d stick it out no matter what.
“I’d never ask someone to marry me who I didn’t want to be with all the way down to my soul. Who I knew I couldn’t live without. But you’re wrong about one thing, Alice. I’m not honorable. It’s not honorable to already be thinking of ways to lock this house up so tight you could never get out again.”
I know that should scare me, but all it does is make me melt for him. It makes my stomach do a little flip like it always does with Thomas. No one has ever made me feel more wanted than him. Each day I’m with him he folds me in closer. I love it, while still fearing something might take him from me.
“Did you ask Maggie’s mom to marry you?” I want to know if maybe he’d only asked her because she was pregnant. Or that maybe he’d had these feelings with someone else before me. Did he love another woman that deeply?
“Bug is adopted.” My eyes fly to his. I didn’t expect him to say that. “I’ve never asked a woman to marry me. Never loved anyone but you in that way. I’ve never even been in love or told a woman I loved her. I’ve been saving all of it for you because it’s yours. All of it. Always has been and always will be. I think that’s why all these years I had Maggie, I never so much as looked for anything more. At first I thought it was because I was so focused on being a good dad. But then you walked into my life and I knew. It was because I was waiting for my woman to make our family bigger, to make our family whole.”
I sit in shock, not sure what to say.
“I can’t take it,” he says, grabbing me and pulling me to him. I’m in his lap, with him cradling me, and he lets out a deep sigh like he can breathe again.
“You think that woman is me?” I ask softly.
“Know it,” he growls.
“I’m scared. So scared,” I admit, burying my face in his neck like I always like to do. “I can’t take it. I’m worried about you taking off on another mission. Something happening. I just can’t—’
He tries to interrup
t me, but I keep going, pulling back and looking at him.
“I just can’t. It hurt so much. You have no idea. Thinking I’d lost you…someone I love, someone who loves me back. That’s rare for me. I don’t have that. People just loving me. It made me sick being without you. Like I wasn’t whole. It felt like a part of me was missing.”
“You love me,” he says, but I ignore him and keep going.
“And right there is the problem. You need someone strong who can deal with that. Someone worthy of you. I’m not strong like you. I wish I could be, but I can’t. That’s why I left once I knew you were okay, because I couldn’t go through this again, and I’d never ask you not to go on a mission. To not be who you are and do what you want to do. I knew if I stayed, next time I’d beg you not to go. Probably make you feel guilty for having to do your job. So don’t you see? Maybe it’s better if we break. Not fall any deeper for each other.” Even as I say the words, I hang on to him tighter, not wanting to let go. It was easier to think these things when he wasn’t in front of me, when I wasn’t smelling him, feeling him, having him say all these sweet things to me, doing like he always does, dragging me into him, under him. So deep I can never leave. Never wanting to leave.
“You love me,” he says again.
“Of course I love you!” I yell at him.
“I know. I’ve just been waiting for you to say it.” I drop my eyes from his. I didn’t realize I hadn’t said it to him before. Every time he says it to me, I soak it in and enjoy it. I hadn’t even noticed I wasn’t saying it back.
He brings his hand to my face, making me look at him. “I know you didn’t grow up in a house where people said I love you, but I’m going to get you used to it. You won’t leave a room without hearing someone say it, and have it roll off your lips right back. That how it’s supposed to be. How our family will be.” He places his hand on my belly like he always does when he talks about making a family together. I try to stop him, but he feels it.
