After lunch, Amber brewed a pot of coffee and wheeled Paulette into the living room. As seen outside the front window, it was a cold and cloudy day in January with snow on the ground; perfect for recovering from a broken heart and just talking out feelings.
But Amber did most of the talking that afternoon. She told the story of the first boy who had broken her heart. She spoke of the many guys who had hurt her and how she learned to pick up the pieces and move on. “You've never dated before so this is all so, very new to you. Love has been known to hurt, and it most-often does. But you'll be alright. By tomorrow when your Father comes home, you'll forget about Todd and this will all be behind you.” In no way could Paulette be in this condition when Michael came home!
Amber's talking did have a positive effect on Paulette. She began to suspect that perhaps there was some truth to what Amber was saying. Perhaps everyone experiences a broken heart.
But in the evening after being tucked into bed with the lights turned out, Todd's imagined presence was not to found. For so many nights the tops of the blankets were his strong arms that held Paulette. He would whisper, “I love you” and all sorts of sweet nothings into her ear. For so many nights he kissed her lips and made love to Paulette until she fell asleep. But tonight the bed was cold.
Then, like a flood of light, hope filled the young girl's heart. Maybe Todd thought things over and regretted his cruel words. Perhaps he already emailed her with a lengthy letter of apology. “Please forgive me! Please come back to me!”
So much in love, Paulette would certainly forgive him. How she wanted so badly to check email, but her blasted physical condition made it impossible. She would have to wait until morning when Amber logged in and opened the email of apology. For now, Paulette could only close her eyes and send messages of telepathy to her lover, “You hurt me, today. You have no idea what you did to me. But I forgive you. I love you so much! Please believe me that we can make this work. My condition is only an obstacle that love can easily conquer.”
Then she softly cried while continuing to send her telepathic messages, “I want you to hold me like you've done every night.”
Finally, Todd's warm arms lay across Paulette. She fell asleep, occasionally awakening to feel if he was still there.
Chapter Seventeen
It was the following morning, and Michael was to return home from his business trip some time before lunch.
Being that Amber now slept in the master bedroom and Trista in her own room, the alarm clock was only heard by Amber. This meant that Trista was no longer awoken by the alarm, provided she wasn't already awake. Some mornings, she eagerly bounced in her crib. Other mornings she remained sleeping, which gave Amber a jump start on Paulette. Trista remained sleeping on the morning after Paulette's traumatic breakup.
Much to Amber's surprise, the new day offered a flood of hope and a near light that shined through Paulette's bedroom door when opened.
“Good morning! You look like you're in a better mood today.”
Paulette nodded. Then she looked over to the computer.
“What? You want me to wheel the computer over? Don't you want to go to the bathroom first?”
Again, Paulette motioned her face towards the computer.
Seeing that Paulette had something important to say, Amber wheeled the cart over and supported the paralyzed girl upright to peck away at the keyboard with pencil in her mouth.
Paulette pecked a simple sentence, “Login to my email.”
This was not good! Only hours from Michael returning home, Paulette managed to elevate her mood with a false belief that Todd had a change of heart. “Honey, why would you want to do that? You're only going to throw yourself back to the beginning.”
“Login to my email!” Paulette demanded.
“Alright, fine! You want to see if maybe Todd has thought things over and is crawling back to you? I'll login, but you have to promise me something. You have to be realistic. Chances are there isn't an email from Todd. And if you don't see an email, I don't want you to fall apart. Can you promise me that?”
Paulette only beamed from ear-to-ear as if she received some overpowering premonition that promised there to be an email from Todd.
What was Amber to do in this situation? Paulette was blind with hope and didn't hear a word from Amber. Perhaps if Amber stalled some, in hopes for Paulette to return to Earth. She suggested, “Don't you want to use the bathroom first?”
Paulette shook her head, no.
Amber reluctantly dialed online and listened to the annoying scream of the modem. She clicked the email icon, and was sure to do everything in front of Paulette's hopeful face. But much to Paulette's dismay, there were no new messages.
“See, Honey; I told you. You shouldn't bring your hopes up like that.” Amber wheeled the crane device over to the bed and connected it to Paulette. “Maybe in about a week we'll check it again, see if there's anything. And you know, just because he apologizes with an email, doesn't mean you should immediately forgive him and come back to him. He's a jerk for what he said to you. If he does send you an email of apology, let him sit for about a week and suffer in his own doing.”
Paulette went through her usual morning activities while being supported by the crane device. While suspended midair and waiting for the bathtub to fill, her expression of grief returned. The previous night was all fantasy. Todd's warm arms were simply imagined. The telepathic communication was nothing more than hopeful words thought in the darkness. Todd was nowhere, and he meant every word of cruelty in his final email. He was gone forever. If only Paulette could have turned back the clock, the morning might have been different and most likely brought with it a loving email from Todd.
With the tub finally filled, Paulette was lowered into the water. Immediately, Amber gently poured the bucket of water over Paulette's hair. Although Paulette was supported upright with head slightly tilted back, drops of water ran down her face. It didn't take Amber long to realize that these were tears.
Amber sighed. This was going to be a long and difficult day. If only she had another twenty-four hours before Michael's return, Paulette would surely recover from the heartbreak. What condition would Paulette be in later this morning when her father returned? Would there be more crying? How would Amber explain?
Amber thought of a few scenarios. “She's just happy for your return, Michael. I've noticed that your weeklong absences affect her.” That would only make matters worse. Amber would be lying and appearing to cover something important from Michael. Perhaps if she hinted to the truth, “I guess she was talking to some guy online and he kind of broke up with her. She's heartbroken…” Although closer to the truth, the explanation would still attempt to cover the whole truth. Exactly how was Paulette able to talk to some guy online? Where would Paulette have gotten the idea to do such a thing? Amber was to care for and protect Paulette, act out the role of mother in her life. Despite the trust she had gained from Michael, and the new levels reached in love, Amber failed Michael. Paulette was in this sad condition because of Amber. It was all Amber's fault. Amber hadn't fully cared for Paulette.
More tears streamed from Paulette's face. It brought Amber to her rope's end. Panic-stricken she brought her face near to Paulette's. There was a tone of urgency, almost near shouting in Amber's voice. “Paulette, listen to me! You have to pull yourself together! You can't let yourself fall apart over this!” Amber was in serious trouble! There was no way to reconstruct the shattered girl!
Paulette sniffled to be followed by a cry and heavy weeping. Tears, snot and drool ran along her face; her lifeless body adding to the appearance of one who had lost complete control of body and mind. It would become one of the most frightening moments of Amber's life as no one prepared her to care for a young, paralyzed girl who had spiraled into a mental breakdown.
Amber didn't understand the flood of emotions experienced by Paulette. The many weeks of dreamy love suddenly disappeared. All those nights of lying next to Todd as he
whispered sweet nothings in her ear were all fantasy. And what was reality, now? Was it any better than the place she was in?
Paulette continued to weep throughout her bath, while being dried off with the towel and while having her hair blow dried. How much longer would this go on?
Finally, Amber broke her own silence and called out, “Paulette? Paulette?”
There was no answer from the scrunched up, teary-eyed, sobbing face.
Amber screamed in a shrilling voice while shaking the girl, “Paulette, stop it!” Then Amber provided a slap to Paulette's cheek, exactly the way her own mother often did. It shocked Paulette and provided a moment of deep regret for Amber as she immediately embraced the girl and cried out, “I'm sorry… Oh my gosh, I'm sorry! I don't know what else to do! You promised me! You promised you would keep this a secret from your father. I can't have you in this condition.”
No one ever slapped Paulette before and it came as quite a surprise. In addition, she appeared to understand Amber's concern and did calm down some.
Amber lightly stroked Paulette's hair, “Now I've been through this and I understand your pain. But you have to trust me.”
Paulette nodded.
* * *
At 11:30, precisely, the musical horn of the limousine sounded as it approached the Dickly castle. Michael was home and eager to see his sorely missed family.
Amber greeted her man with open, loving arms; nearly providing a look of reassurance that all was well.
Paulette, too, was anxious to see Father. Her eyes glassed as he entered the family room and approached the wheelchair. How she longed for Mother at such a delicate time in her life. Father was the next best thing to Mother, but no one would understand. Perhaps this is why she fell into another fit of crying.
Michael was surprised, “What? What is it, Honey?”
Like a downpour that follows a gentle rain, her cries turned into heavy weeping.
Michael turned to Amber. “What's wrong with her?”
Amber's face froze, not sure of what to say.
Michael's voice increased, “What did you do her? Why is she like this?”
Amber shook her head and began to cry, herself. “I'm sorry… I'm sorry! I didn't mean it, Michael! You have to believe me!”
Michael nearly growled, “What? What did you do to her?”
How could Amber explain the complexity? All she could do was signal Michael to follow while continuing to apologize. Paulette remained weeping. And little Trista joined in the choir of crying as she could sense the intense emotions of the moment. She toddled behind Michael and Mother and cried all the louder upon seeing Mommy run up the stairs without her.
Paulette's computer remained logged into her email account. Amber opened the final email from Todd and informed Michael, “She had a boyfriend online. He found out about her condition and broke up with her.”
Keep in mind this was the mid-90s. Very, few people in those times heard of online romances. Mention of Paulette's boyfriend had Michael confused. “Boyfriend?” He leaned over to read the cruel email, after which he demanded, “What else was he sending her?”
Amber had no choice but to be helpful at the moment. She showed Michael how to close an email and view the previously read messages of the inbox.
Confident he understood how to view his daughter's mailbox, he ordered, “Look out!” It was the first time Michael had ever spoken harshly to Amber. Then he pulled the computer cart over to the bedside and sat down.
For over two hours Michael carefully read every email between his daughter and some strange man living hundreds of miles away. Every story, every fantasy and every empty promise was finally read by Father. For weeks he would walk past Paulette's room and see her pecking away at the keyboard. Today we are aware of strangers online who talk to our children. But for Michael, he would have never imagined that such a thing was possible. While reading the shocking emails, he had to wonder if there were laws against a grown man interacting with a minor so provocatively.
Unsure of how to react, Michael stormed out of his daughter's bedroom, into his office and slammed the door shut.
All afternoon he remained in his office until emerging for a brief moment to silently venture down the stairs and into the kitchen for a sandwich and drink. He didn't bother to look into the family room where Amber sadly sat with Paulette. Then again, Amber wouldn't have known of this for her eyes remained fixed to the floor in deep shame.
It was mostly, if not all, her fault for what happened to Paulette. Amber understood this. And she certainly wasn't going to be angry with Paulette, for the girl was only acting out her natural feelings. If there was anyone outside of Amber to be angry with, it would have been Todd. And the more Amber thought of his name, his profile picture and his exaggerated self-perception of himself; the more furious Amber became.
It was Friday afternoon, and surely he would go for a nice cruise on his ninja-style crotch rocket after work. Maybe he even took his motorcycle to work in the morning. Such is the luxury when living in an area of warmer temperatures.
How dare he treat a paralyzed girl this way? How dare he spend weeks building up her hopes and causing her to fall in love? And when she finally felt it best to disclose her limiting condition, Todd refused to display any empathy on his part. It only proved to Amber that some people need to experience a tragic misfortune to understand the pain and suffering of others.
Motorcycles can be dangerous, especially when driven by carefree, heartless individuals who lack any empathy or understanding of others. This doesn't mean to say that motorcycle accidents only happen to bad people. Remember, this was Amber's world and her own emotionally-driven thoughts. There are plenty of unfortunate souls who experience an undeserving accident on a bike. The same can be said of kind and wonderful people who may have experienced serious burns from the barbeque, serious sprains of the ankle or nearly-fatal car crashes. It's just that sometimes these terrible things need to happen to bad people as well (in Amber's mind).
Amber sat motionless in her pool of negative emotions. She dwelled on every bit of shame and projected it outwards to some imagined cloud. With it was mixed her rage towards Todd and the sadness felt for letting Linsey down. Amber would fix this and make it up to Linsey. And in doing so, maybe she would regain her trust from Michael.
In the imagined cloud of emotions was injected a terrible fantasy of some life-changing accident that was truly deserved, and might lead to the development of empathy and understanding of those less fortunate. And if you've come to know Amber, then you know that these emotionally-driven fantasies hatch into reality.
Hundreds of miles away, a trucker pulled over to a highway oasis for fuel. We like to think that every safety protocol is observed when working with dangerous machines that carry, on average, one-hundred gallons of fuel. But who is to say that a trucker would never become distracted while fueling up and accidentally leave the gas cap off the tank?
And who is to say that he wouldn't neglect to take notice of the missing cap upon returning to the truck after paying for the fuel? The trucker shifted through all his gears while slowly traveling the entrance ramp to the open highway. It was Friday afternoon in a rural setting with only an occasional commuter that traveled home.
For nearly two miles the trucker traveled the open highway while gallons of diesel fuel sprayed along the road. It wasn't until one of those far-and-few-between commuters spotted the semi truck with leaky fuel, that the trucker was signaled to indicate a problem. The trucker waved a thank you at the helpful motorist, pulled over to the shoulder and immediately realized that the gas cap was left at the oasis. Fortunately he had a spare in his toolbox for a mishap like this. It was best to replace the cap and head back on the road before a state trooper noticed any spill. Diesel spills, as you may know, are a terrible hazard to motorists. Not only is diesel combustible, but it can be present a serious slip hazard, leading to accidents.
This was the same highway that Todd commuted home each
day. And on this particular Friday, he did, in fact, ride his ninja-style crotch rocket to the office. Stepping out into the parking lot on a fine, Friday afternoon; Todd was in his usual exaggerated state of peak physical, mental and spiritual greatness. He was a great man with a mind of vast intellect, and built like a god. From inside the office, a coworker may have watched Todd and secretly thought, “I'm so sick of that crap! Why doesn't he just give it up?”
Of course Todd was sure to wear a helmet for safety with a tinted visor. As far as protection from road rash, he was going to have to live dangerously. A leather wouldn't have protected him from what was about to happen anyway!
Zooming along the highway with an engine that sounded like a high-tech wash machine winding on second gear, Todd was master of his own destiny. But the fool he was, he didn't realize that it was now Amber's world. Where-as Todd was able to bridge hundreds of miles through titillating fantasies that eventually destroyed a young girl; Amber had the power to simply reach her hand across the void and affect any outcome desired.
Observing Amber that afternoon was the first time that Paulette felt a chilling fear of the woman. She watched as Amber sat in a near-death trance with the most fearsome and wicked look. Paulette had never been exposed to things metaphysical, but she could sense an undetectable noise radiating from Amber along with an invisible charge of energy. To Paulette, the family room was about to explode. She nearly cried out in hopes that Father would hear. But she remained silent, struggling to understand what was actually being seen and heard.
Hundreds of miles away, Todd carefully approached a utility van that traveled in the right lane. He wouldn't have any problem passing it up. Not more than a car lane ahead of the van, Todd lowered gears and accelerated to gain a thrilling velocity. This was done at a large splash of diesel fuel that had been left by the semi truck no more than fifteen minutes ago. At such a high speed, Todd lost control of the bike and soon found his own body slammed against the ground and rolling along the pavement. The driver of the utility van did everything in his power to avoid the bike and the unfortunate motorcyclist. The front and rear driver side tires ran over Todd's hips and thighs, seriously crushing and shattering bones. At least this stopped the excruciating scrapes along the pavement that was intensified by stinging diesel fuel to road rash. But it would be along time, if ever, before Todd could walk on his own two feet. Maybe now he would have an appreciation for being confined to a wheelchair.
The Death Mask Page 14
