As far as guilt goes, if your father abused you, you have nothing to feel guilty about. He is the one who is guilty. (For more about incest see Chapters 7 and 8.)
Dear Dr. Patti,
I have reported my father for incest. I am sixteen now and he molested me from the age of twelve. He was given eight months in prison and then ordered to go to therapy for two years. My mother wants our family back together again, and my father says with treatment he won’t touch me again. I am scared and want to go and live with my very supportive aunt. My mother says I can. Should I? Do you think my father is “cured”? Are child molesters ever “cured”?
Signed,
Wanting Out
Dear Wanting Out,
First of all, I agree with you. I think you should move in with your aunt.
This is really a two-part question, and first I will address the moving-out part. There are different schools of thought about this. Some therapists believe that it is often best to keep families together and that after treatment most abusers can work things out with their families. I belong to the opposite school. I believe that if a father or stepfather molests his daughter, the mother must make it her first priority to protect and support her daughter and should never take him back. This is an unforgivable abuse. The daughter is not the guilty party and should not be made to live with a man who abused her. I think that therapy may be necessary for mother and daughter, but I believe that both should be encouraged to keep away from the molester. Your mother pushing you to support your father’s reentry into the family will make you feel violated all over again. This result is often why girls don’t tell. Yes live with your supportive aunt. I think you should do it and not put yourself further in emotional or physical harm’s way.
My colleague Dr. Kay Jackson has worked with all types of sex offenders, including pedophiles, for thirty years. Although she has seen few families actually come back together with some success, she warns that cases like this are extremely rare, and she cautions you to understand that pedophilia is not “curable” per se. She says that it lasts forever but that some men can learn to control it. It has been her experience that only through severe punishment (i.e., jail time) and intensive therapy can some men rehabilitate. But you shouldn’t have to be a guinea pig. Your only responsibility is to care for yourself (see Chapters 3 and 6).
Dear Dr. Patti,
I have seen movies where women have multiple personalities. In the movies they are usually incest survivors. Is this just in the movies? I am an incest survivor, and sometimes I feel like I change my personality a lot. I can be pretty moody. My friend tells me I may have multiple personality disorder. Do all incest and sex-abuse survivors have it?
Signed,
More Than One Me?
Dear More Than One Me,
No, not all incest survivors develop multiple personality disorder. MPD is a clinical diagnosis defined as a “splitting” of a personality into two or more separate personalities to protect a person from various memories. A person with MPD actually creates a second personality (or more), with its own complete (or near-complete) identity. Incest survivors who are suffering deeply will often develop another persona as a survival strategy—to withstand the abuse. Also, as you will see in later chapters, girls who are experiencing sexual abuse often develop elaborate fantasy worlds, but this shouldn’t be confused with MPD. As a matter of fact, I see these fantasy worlds as very healing for girls. Girls have an amazing ability to protect themselves and survive the unspeakable (see Chapter 6).
Dear Dr. Patti,
I am an incest survivor. The problem I have is that I am so unaware of my body. When I fall, I don’t feel pain. When my friends hug me, I barely feel their hugs, and, even worse, when my boyfriend kisses me, I don’t feel any excitement. I want to feel connected to my body, but when I was molested I went numb; I felt as if I was floating out of my body. Will I ever have feelings again?
Signed,
Uncomfortably Numb
Dear Uncomfortably Numb,
The sensation of floating you describe is often reported by incest survivors. The clinical term for it is dissociation, which is defined as removing oneself from a situation as a way to avoid the physical contact. You floated out of your body and became numb to protect yourself. You floated away to live through the abuse.
It will take time, but you will be able to feel again. As time goes on and you are away from the perpetrator of your abuse, you will begin to trust again. It may begin in nonsexual ways, with friends hugging you. You might want to make an effort to give a close friend a hug and try to be aware of how you feel. The fact that you are letting your boyfriend get close is a good sign. Some girls say that, when they tell their boyfriends about their abuse, it helps them to physically feel again. If you would be comfortable doing that, you might want to broach the subject and see how it goes (see Chapter 6).
Dear Dr. Patti,
After 9/11, after so many school shootings, after returning from the army, I heard a lot about posttraumatic stress disorder. Is this disorder something that happens with sexual abuse, too?
Signed,
Stressed
Dear Stressed,
Yes, posttraumatic stress disorder, or PTSD, is a commonly accepted diagnosis for individuals who have experienced sexual abuse, the trauma of war, or serious tragedy. It is often the case that people are able to survive trauma only by becoming numb to their feelings about the trauma. For example, during a war soldiers can’t allow themselves to feel their feelings of terror, or they would probably fall apart. In very much the same way, a sexual-abuse survivor (particularly one who is repeatedly abused) cannot afford to stop and feel the terror and trauma, or she could not withstand the abuse.
After the trauma, the survivor may be haunted with recurrent and intrusive memories of the trauma; recurrent dreams of the trauma; fear that the trauma will recur because of a stimulation in the environment, like a sensation from sight, sound, touch, or smell (also referred to as a “trigger”); trouble sleeping, even insomnia or hyper-sleep (too much sleep); depression; panic attacks; or trouble concentrating. These are all symptoms of PTSD. If you think you may be suffering from PTSD, please speak with a trusted adult and then find a professional to speak with about your symptoms (see Chapter 6).
Dear Dr. Patti,
I think my cousin may be getting abused by her dad. She denies it, but she’s suddenly been very depressed and doesn’t want to go out. She says her dad wants her home most of the time, which seems pretty strange to me. Meanwhile, her dad’s been acting really weird and possessive around her. He’s always had a creepy vibe around girls anyway. How can I tell if he’s abusing her?
Signed,
Concerned Cousin
Dear Concerned Cousin,
While none of the following traits in and of themselves is “evidence” of abuse, there are some common survivor’s traits to look out for. Some could be in combination or isolated. But remember, girls are expert at hiding sexual abuse out of fear and knowing there may not be a way out at that moment in time:
• Low self-esteem
• Promiscuity
• Fear of sex
• Fear of intimacy
• Large blocks of memory loss
• Nightmares
• Anxiety attacks
• Mistrusting men
• Poor relationship with mother
• Perfectionism
• Repulsion at certain “triggers,” that is, a gesture, a touch, a smell, a voice, or anything that might bring up memories of the molestation
• Poor body image
If you really think your cousin is being abused, find someone you can trust to talk with—perhaps your mother or an older sister or a counselor. You can also call the RAINN hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) and get some advice. If you can locate a counseling center nearby (RAINN can help), you could ask your cousin if she is being abused and then let her know that you are willing to go with her to counseling if she wish
es. We address all the above survivor traits throughout the book.
Dear Dr. Patti,
I am eighteen years old and a senior in high school. I was born here but my parents were born in Russia. They have brought over many family members through the years. My uncle, who came here about five years ago, started molesting me when I was fourteen. I basically put up with it, but when he started bothering my younger sister I decided I had to do something. So I told my mother. Then I went to school and told my school counselor. The police came and arrested my uncle.
My mother threw me out of the house and won’t let me come back until I go to the police and tell them that I lied. I am so scared. I’m about to graduate from high school. What should I do? Was I wrong to tell?
Signed,
Made to Lie
Dear Made to Lie,
First of all, telling is almost always frightening. Sometimes it may not feel as if telling is the right thing to do, even when it is, because it is so scary. For girls from cultures that view girls as less important than boys, or cultures where the mother is less powerful than the father, deciding not to tell her family might be the thing a girl can do to take care of herself. Until she can leave that household.
Please go back to your school counselor and ask for help. Find a trusted friend to stay with. The fact that you broke open the abuse may have saved your sister (in many incest situations, a girl doesn’t tell until a younger sibling or cousin is being threatened, too; see Chapters 3, 4, and 8). If you have no one to turn to, please see our Resource Center for guidance.
Dear Dr. Patti,
My uncle molested me five years ago. When I told my counselor at school recently, he told me that he had to report it because he didn’t want the “statute of limitations” to run out. He explained that as a professional he was what is called a mandated reporter, someone who has to report abuse if he or she knows someone is in present danger. He was also worried, he said, because my uncle has two daughters under the age of fifteen.
It turned out that my uncle was arrested and my mother and father were really grateful to me for telling, but I’m really confused about the laws about reporting and everything. Can you explain?
Signed,
Confused About the Law
Dear Confused About the Law,
First let me say bravo! It took courage to tell your school counselor about your uncle. He was right in explaining to you that he is a mandated reporter. Dealing with reporting and the courts can be very confusing, and it’s true that the laws vary from state to state. But there is always someone in the police department who works with “victim’s” services. The term statute of limitations refers to a time limit on when a person can be prosecuted for crimes he or she allegedly committed. Please see Chapters 7, 9, 13, and our Resource Center for more information.
Dear Dr. Patti,
I’m in college and a few weeks ago my friend came over to my house crying. She had just been raped by her boyfriend, who was visiting from out of town. I didn’t know what to do for her. She told me she just wanted to take a long shower to wash off all she was feeling. She took a shower and then I made her some hot chocolate and she went home. A couple of weeks later she asked me to come with her to the police to report the rape. The police told us we had no evidence and it would be really difficult to prosecute. My friend is despondent. When should a rape be reported?
Signed,
Trying to Be a Good Friend
Dear Trying to Be a Good Friend,
Your friend is lucky to have you in her life. You did the best you could for her. Unfortunately, what the police told you is true. It’s almost impossible to prosecute a rape case without physical evidence, and as soon as your friend showered she effectively destroyed what evidence there was.
It’s very important to first go to a hospital and do what’s called a “rape kit.” During this medical exam, a specialized nurse takes a tissue and fluid sample from the vagina; checks for injury, STDs (sexually transmitted diseases), and pregnancy; and administers RU-486 (Mifepristone, known as RU-486, is a medication typically used in combination with misoprostol, to bring about an abortion) to prevent pregnancy, where possible. The police will also come to the hospital to make a report. Please see Chapter 11 for more about what to do following a date rape, as well as the Resource Center.
Dear Dr. Patti,
I am a lesbian and I was at a club with some friends. I was dancing all night with this girl I was attracted to. After we left the club we went to her apartment. We had both been drinking and we started fooling around. I only wanted to kiss and she wanted more. She became violent and pulled off my shirt and pants and forced her fingers inside my vagina. I tried to push her off but could not. I finally got away. Was I date-raped?
Signed,
Female Raped?
Dear Female Raped,
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Yes, you were date-raped. It may not be considered rape by law, but it is just as emotionally damaging. Whether it’s done by a boy/man or a girl/woman, whether it’s “just” oral sex or full-on penetration, whenever force is used, it’s rape. We shed more light in Chapter 11.
Dear Dr. Patti,
A female friend and I explored each other’s bodies when we were about six years old. We played doctor and touched each other all over. We didn’t hurt each other or anything, just explored. I don’t feel really weird about it, but I am wondering if we sexually abused each other. I really like guys and don’t think I’m gay, but why did we do this that one time?
Signed,
Child’s Play
Dear Child’s Play,
Sounds like you and your friend were indulging in normal curiosity. If you had been hurt by each other, felt coerced, did it multiple times, or felt a real drive to touch your friend’s genitals and have your genitals touched; or if a same-age playmate, cousin, or sibling tried to force a toy or finger into your vagina or anus, that could certainly qualify as abuse. But many children explore once or twice, and that’s perfectly healthy.
Children usually know, intuitively, the qualitative difference between exploratory fun play that includes some touching and being violated.
Dear Dr. Patti,
This feels like a stupid question, but it is something that haunts me. I was sexually abused by my father from the ages of nine through thirteen, until he died. Now I am eighteen and I am in love for the first time. When my boyfriend and I made love, I told him I was a virgin. I am not ready to speak about my abuse, and, I feel like a virgin even though my father penetrated me. Could I still be considered a virgin?
Signed,
Hoping
Dear Hoping,
I consider you a virgin. I have spoken to hundreds of girls who feel exactly the way you do. They were penetrated by their molesters, and they would never have lost their virginity to them by choice. Giving yourself sexually to your boyfriend is the first time you chose to do it. Others may disagree, but, in my opinion, you are a virgin.
Dear Dr. Patti,
How can families let sexual abuse happen? Don’t parents want to protect their children?
Signed,
Perplexed
Dear Perplexed,
Now there’s a question that deserves a whole chapter. Read on…
CHAPTER 3
CROSSING OVER
Girlhood to Womanhood
One minute I’m up, the next I’m down
One minute I’m here, the next I’m there
My feelings seem real, but then they don’t
At times things make sense, but then again they don’t
One minute I’m happy, the next I’m sad
Where will I be? Where can I be?
Will you love me if I want your love?
Will you love me even if at first I turn away?
The teenage girl who wrote this poem was describing all the normal ups and downs of adolescence. Most sexual abuse takes place during this very vulnerable time in a girl’s life—between the ages of arou
nd eleven and fifteen. This is the time of your first period, your first budding sexual feelings. Your body is undergoing extraordinary changes. Perhaps this is when you have your first crush, and maybe you grow six inches. And you are vulnerable to abuse because you are in such a major transition and don’t yet know how to handle your developing body, all these new expectations of how you should look and act and be, not to mention your own burgeoning sexual feelings. All sexual abuse is about being pushed beyond your own natural boundaries, but at twelve or thirteen or fifteen, girls usually don’t even know what their own boundaries are. It’s all so confusing.
In this chapter, we’ll get into the psyche of the young teenage girl. We’ll look at the cultural, physical, emotional, sexual, and psychological changes and pressures on adolescent girls, so that when we hear from the sex-abuse survivors later in this book, and when you look at your own life, you will have a full perspective on all that goes on during this time of great change.
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