by Jay Bell
“It’s Dwight,” Nathaniel said. “It’s always been Dwight, and as far as I can tell, he doesn’t need a reason for hating me. Or for hitting me.”
“He’s your brother!”
The way she said this sounded like a desperate plea for the world to make sense again. Nathaniel could sympathize. Over the years, he’d observed other pairs of siblings, and while not always on the friendliest of terms, their relationships weren’t nearly as screwed up. Or as violent. So he tried to explain how it had all begun, how bullying had escalated into constant abuse. By the time he was finished, her hands were trembling as she wiped away tears.
“Why didn’t you say anything?” she asked. “Why didn’t you tell us?”
“What would you have done? Grounded him? It never made a difference. He always found some new way of making me suffer.”
“Had we known, we wouldn’t have let it go on like this.”
Nathaniel crossed his arms over his chest. “You know now. What are you going to do about it?”
His mother turned away to blow her nose. When finished, she still looked shaken. “He has to go. He’s old enough that he should be out of the house. He’ll get his own place and—”
“—show up at the house one day when you’re not there or wait until a family get-together before pulling me aside to choke me or some other nightmare he’s cooked up. You can’t do anything. No one can. The only solution is for me to leave. That’s the only option. For both of us.”
“Nate.” His mother looked at him like he was being silly.
“What? Are you seriously going to feel sorry for me when the same thing is happening to you? They’re monsters! Both of them.”
“Dwight has always had emotional problems, but your father… You know how hard he works for the family, and on occasion, very rare occasions, he crosses a line. Each time he does, I make sure to let him know how displeased I am. How unacceptable that is.”
“Which stops him from doing it again?” Nathaniel leaned forward, his voice cracking. “We can escape. Together. The Hubbards are willing to take in both of us. I talked to them about it. We don’t have to live like this anymore. No more fear. No more pain.”
His mother smiled at him, as if he was being sweet, like he had just recited a poem he’d written as a Mother’s Day present. “I love you, honey. But I’m not living in fear. Or pain. Your father and I love and respect each other. We failed you. I see that now. We should have realized sooner that something was wrong, but we will fix this.”
“He hits you,” Nathaniel stressed, the words making his heart ache.
“He doesn’t hit me,” Star said in hushed tones, glancing around the restaurant. “He might grab me too hard or—”
“Slap you around? That’s what Dwight said he saw. When he was a kid.” Nathaniel clenched his jaw a few times. “I always wondered what made him so messed up. Maybe that’s the reason.”
“I don’t know what he thought he saw,” Star said, “but he was mistaken.”
“Bruises don’t lie. Whatever Dad does to you, it’s wrong.”
His mother stared at the table, lost in thought.
“Please,” Nathaniel pleaded. “Please come with me! We’ll get away from them both.”
She remained silent a little longer. When she looked up again, she seemed determined. “Every family goes through rough patches. This is ours, and I will get us through it. But until we can get things sorted out, if you feel safer staying with the Hubbards, then that’s what you should do. For now.”
“I don’t care about me. I care about you!”
“Then you need to trust me. I’m fine. Your father isn’t a monster. He’s human and he loves you very much. He’s worried sick about you right now.”
Nathaniel grunted and looked away. He didn’t want to hear it.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with your brother, but it isn’t your fault. Maybe you’re right. Maybe I’m to blame.”
“That’s not what I said.”
Star placed a hand on his arm so he would look at her. “Just don’t blame yourself. Please. And think about coming home. I still want to see you every day. Okay?”
“Yeah,” Nathaniel said, unsure how that would work. “But I don’t want to see them again. Ever.”
Star took a deep breath. “We’re going to get through this.”
All he cared about was escaping from his father and his brother. With her. “The offer still stands,” he said. “If things get too bad, I know some good people who are willing to help you. Don’t forget that. Promise me you’ll ask for help.”
His mother managed a small smile and nodded. “I promise.”
Chapter Five
Fear’s presence is impossible to ignore, a cold serpent slithering through the veins, reaching the heart and injecting it with venom. Oppression is more subtle—a heavy cloak that wraps around the body, weighing it down and restricting movement. Nathaniel knew brief respites from fear when he was at school or on the camping trip with the Hubbards, but in the back of his mind he dreaded the inevitable return home. Now he had escaped suffocating oppression and for the first time, the future was no longer a burden.
Only the essentials had been moved to the Hubbards’ home, creating a sanctuary Dwight couldn’t find. His mother alone had the address. Nathaniel still worried about her, but they saw each other often, usually for a dinner out. He even insisted on paying, when she would let him. Each time they met, he scrutinized her for any signs of abuse. He didn’t find any. Except for deepening worry lines, she looked good. Maybe she had been telling the truth and his father rarely lost control, but that wasn’t enough for Nathaniel to forgive him.
He tried his best to enjoy his good fortune. The letter from Yale had finally arrived, welcoming him to their campus. He and Rebecca had accepted without hesitation, giving them reason to celebrate today.
“You’re so lucky,” Rebecca said, strolling around his new room and examining everything. “You get to live with your boyfriend.”
“He’s not my boyfriend,” Nathaniel said, “and having to flee from my psychotic brother hardly sounds like luck.”
“Sorry,” she said, picking up and looking at the few DVDs he had brought with him. Most of his things were still in his old room. “At least you’ve gone from somewhere terrible to a place you like. And where you really like someone.”
“He’s just my friend.”
“Of course. Still…” She turned in his direction but continued looking around the room. “You know, now that everything is out in the open, I could ask my parents if you could come live with me. We don’t have a spare bedroom, but we could put two twin beds in mine. Sort of like married couples did on old TV shows.”
He remained silent, waiting for her to look at him. When she did, he shook his head.
“Can’t blame you,” she said. “I’d choose this place over mine any day. They’ve got a nice house.” She nodded to the dumbbells sitting in one corner. “Although I’m surprised they don’t have a dedicated gym somewhere on the fifth floor.”
He laughed in response.
“You still feel like you need those?” she asked.
This made him more somber. “Nobody is going to hurt me again. Not if I can help it.”
She considered him, then smiled. “So, where are you taking me for our big night out? Somewhere with tablecloths and wine glasses, I hope.”
“I was thinking the mall.”
“Oh.”
“And uh… Do you mind if Caesar and Steph tag along?”
“Seriously?” When Rebecca saw he wasn’t kidding, she scowled. “Is Yale accepting high school sophomores now, because I thought we were celebrating our major achievement.”
“We are,” Nathaniel said. “This way we’ll have an audience we can brag to.”
“Is this some weird plan to get into Caesar’s pants? Because I know all about lost causes, and this sounds like—”
“He’s my friend,” Nathaniel repeated. “So are y
ou. I want you guys to get to know each other. That’s all.”
“That’s it? You swear?”
“Yes! I live with the guy. If I wanted to seduce him, I’d just wait until he’s in the shower, get naked, and hop in with a washcloth and a hopeful expression.”
He let her digest this mental image. A knock at the door soon followed, and as it turned out, Rebecca wasn’t the only person anticipating romance.
“Oh!” Steph said when noticing Rebecca. “Is this a double date?”
“Sure is,” Rebecca said, not missing a beat. She walked over and took Nathaniel’s arm. “Ready to go, hon?”
He decided not to contradict her. At least she seemed happy again. They piled into Nathaniel’s car, Rebecca sitting up front with him. That left the lovebirds in the backseat, but they didn’t seem too cozy at the moment. Caesar was bobbing his head along with the music on the radio, Steph staring out the window at the traffic whizzing by. Strange that she would think they were on a double date. That suggested she didn’t know he was gay. Did that mean Caesar didn’t talk about him much? He wasn’t surprised. When alone together, they probably had more interesting diversions keeping them occupied. So lucky!
Once at the mall, Rebecca continued the pretense of them being a couple, hanging off his arm or holding his hand. While dining at the food court, she even fed him some fries.
“How long have you two been together?” Steph asked, amused by this display.
“Just a few weeks,” Rebecca said. “Honeymoon stage.”
“That’s the best.” Steph sighed. “Maybe that’s why Caesar and I keep breaking up, so we can experience it again.”
“We only broke up once,” Caesar replied.
Steph raised an eyebrow. “Twice.”
Caesar looked exasperated. “We broke up during lunch and got back together before the school day was over. That doesn’t count!”
“Yes, it does,” Steph said, but she was smiling. Then she addressed them again. “No relationship is perfect. Just remember that when the honeymoon is over.”
Nathaniel pretended to consider her words of wisdom when really he was distracted by the revelation that they had problems. Caesar had never mentioned that. Apparently they had weathered many issues, because Steph kept dishing out advice: Walk away and cool down when arguments get too heated. Don’t try to hurt the other person just because you feel hurt. Always be honest and open. Nathaniel listened with fascination, especially when she gave examples of previous tiffs.
“Let’s catch a movie,” Caesar said, eager for a change of topic.
“Sounds to me like you’re living one,” Nathaniel said.
The girls laughed. Caesar just blushed.
They went to the mall cinema, but the movie they wanted to see didn’t start for another half-hour, so they spent that time shopping. Or at least Rebecca and Steph did. Nathaniel and Caesar sat on a bench in the mall corridor, watching through a store window as their dates perused pop culture T-shirts and gothic jewelry.
“Your girlfriend is really pretty,” Caesar said, getting his revenge.
“Shut up. She’s had a crush on me since the first day we met. I love her, but it’s annoying at times.”
“You should be flattered.”
Nathaniel glanced over to see he was serious. “You really think she’s pretty?”
“Yeah! Totally.”
“You have good taste. Most guys ignore her. I don’t get why.”
Caesar shrugged. “They’re probably scared to admit what they like.”
“Maybe. You sure are open-minded.”
Caesar grinned. “I pride myself on it!”
Nathaniel looked around, spotting an Asian woman in her twenties. “What about her?”
“What?”
“You think she’s pretty?”
“Yeah,” Caesar said. “She’s all right.”
“And what about him?” Nathaniel nodded to a portly old grandpa. “Feel like sitting on his lap and telling him what you want for Christmas?”
“Blech!” Caesar stuck out his tongue. “He’s way too young for me. I like them more mature than that. I wanna marry a mummy.”
Nathaniel laughed, the warm feeling spreading through his chest. “And what about me? Am I the marrying type?”
Caesar’s cheeks grew red, making Nathaniel confident of the answer. Until he was proven wrong.
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?” Nathaniel looked away. “Whatever. It was dumb question.”
“There’s a big difference between finding someone attractive and wanting to spend the rest of your life with them.”
“I wasn’t proposing to you,” Nathaniel snapped. “It was a joke. Chill.”
“I wish I knew you better.”
That got his attention. “How?”
Caesar seemed a little wary, probably worried about offending him again. “Let’s try an experiment, okay?”
“Sure.”
“What’s my favorite color?”
“Blue.”
Caesar smiled. “And my favorite musician?”
Nathaniel grimaced. “Eminem.”
“Don’t hate,” Caesar chided. “What’s my middle name?”
He needed a full minute to answer that one but felt pleased when finding the answer. “Anthony. See? We know each other just fine.”
Caesar shook his head. “I can’t answer any of those questions. Whenever I ask you about yourself, you always change the subject.”
Nathaniel shrugged. “Okay. Gray, Danny Elfman, Edward. Now you know the answers. Happy?”
“Those were just examples. It’s more… I wish you trusted me. That’s all.”
Nathaniel studied him. “Because I don’t want to talk about my fucked-up family? Think about one of the worst days of your life, one that was really shitty and embarrassing. The kind you just want to forget. Ask yourself how much you like telling other people about it.”
“I get that,” Caesar conceded, “but—”
“I don’t talk much about myself because most of my life has consisted of shitty days.”
Caesar was quiet. “That bad?”
Nathaniel exhaled. “No. Not always. It just feels good pretending none of it ever happened. That’s where I’m at right now.”
“Okay,” Caesar said. “Sorry I mentioned it.”
“I’m not mad at you.”
“I know. It’s not a big deal.”
But it was, because Caesar was basically saying he didn’t know who Nathaniel was. Nathaniel wasn’t okay with that, but he didn’t know how to fix it without unleashing a horde of ugly demons.
“Here they come,” Caesar said.
Rebecca and Steph were walking toward them. Maybe they’d had their own uncomfortable conversation because they appeared tense. No one spoke much on the way into the theater or while waiting for the movie to start. Nathaniel was glad when the lights dimmed. Rebecca, seated on his left, seemed a little jittery. As far away from her as possible, Steph was seated on the opposite side of Caesar. Their friendship was already over, it seemed. He didn’t let this concern him. Instead, as the movie started, all he could think of was how close he felt to Caesar and how one-sided that connection had turned out to be. He didn’t know the solution, because even if he opened up about every terrible thing Dwight had done to him, that still wasn’t Nathaniel’s identity. He hated the idea of letting the abuse define his personality. There had to be more to him than that.
For now all he could do was casually shift his leg so it bumped against Caesar’s. He left it there, neither of them reacting. Maybe Caesar didn’t notice it over the car chases and explosions, but Nathaniel felt a little better knowing they were connected in this most superficial of ways.
Once the movie was over and they were in the parking lot heading toward the car, Steph pulled Caesar aside. They walked far enough away that they couldn’t be heard, but they were obviously arguing. Nathaniel turned to Rebecca for an explanation.
&n
bsp; She looked sheepish. “I sort of let it slip that you’re gay.”
“What? Why?”
“I didn’t mean to! I saw a gay pride bracelet, and without thinking about it, I said I should buy it for you. That it might help you find a boyfriend.”
Nathaniel glanced back toward the ongoing argument. “I don’t see why Steph would care.”
“Me neither. All I know is, we hit zero degrees Celsius in about two seconds flat.”
When the happy couple returned, neither had much to say. It wasn’t until Nathaniel had dropped off Rebecca and Steph that he got his answer.
“She felt like we were making fun of her,” Caesar explained. “Like she was the butt of a joke. She was giving you guys all that relationship advice and—”
“Oh,” Nathaniel said.
“Yeah. So that made her feel embarrassed.”
Nathaniel slowed at a stoplight. “Seemed more angry to me.”
“That too.” Caesar picked at the fabric of the armrest. “I guess our legs were touching during the movie or something.”
“Were they?” Nathaniel asked, his voice sounding a little high.
“No idea. She knows I like guys too, so I guess she felt threatened by it or whatever. I don’t know. It’s silly.”
Nathaniel wouldn’t agree with that. He’d preferred to think it was serious or had the potential to become so. But first, he’d have to find a way of showing Caesar who he really was.
* * * * *
The solution came to him a week later while he was helping Caesar with a social studies assignment. The book was open to a map of the United States, and when Nathaniel mentioned again that he’d lived in California, Caesar asked a question.
“Where else have you lived?”
Nathaniel went backward through his own life history, struggling to relate the locations to who he was. “Colorado was okay. Tons of roadkill, especially in the fall. Lots of deer and elk, which can be messy. Er…” Rather than explore that charming topic further, he moved on to the next state. And the next. “I’ve lived here too,” he said, putting his finger in the middle of the map. “In Missouri.”
