by Jay Bell
Nathaniel had fought against these possibilities. He spent every spare moment trying to shield Kelly. He poured over the details of each new modeling assignment, trying to make sure they were safe and respectable. Even the new prosthetic was born of this anxiety. Kelly was more mobile now, able to run or reach for his phone if—heaven forbid—Nathaniel wasn’t there when the worst happened. And in his mind, those nightmares were ongoing, all the worst-case scenarios imaginable. Nathaniel entertained each and kept trying to find ways to prevent them and protect Kelly.
Now he knew that he couldn’t. If a kid’s birthday party wasn’t safe, what was? Nathaniel gripped the pillow even tighter. Some slimy guy had kissed his boyfriend. Kelly could survive that, could survive anything. Look at what he’d been through! What a joke, what arrogance to even think he needed protecting. Kelly, who had been through hell and still had the strength to cock one eyebrow at the world as if to say, “Seriously? You wanna mess with me? Go ahead and try!”
In truth it was Nathaniel who couldn’t handle this. He hurt and seethed and ached because of a betrayal from years ago. He still hadn’t recovered from what Caesar and Rebecca had done, and they were nothing compared to Kelly. Nathaniel had loved them both, but not as much as he loved the guy in the other room. If losing them had hurt that much, was able to send him into a blind rage even now… He was weak. Too weak to protect anyone. He was grateful for Kelly’s strength, because it meant he would be okay after today. After what needed to be done. Nathaniel lay there until the slivers of light around the blinds grew dark. He forced himself to revisit the image of Rico kissing Kelly over and over again even though it hurt more each time. Such a thing was inevitable. Someday Kelly would move on and find another guy to kiss him. Nathaniel had only glimpsed the future today.
He steeped in his own misery, tossing aside the pillow, wiping at his tears, punching the mattress in his frustration. Then he forced himself to rise and go to the bedroom door. It was time. Nathaniel was tempted to flip the switch. He hadn’t needed to for years. Nathaniel wasn’t even sure he could shut himself down, turn off his emotions, but he wanted to try. Just not yet. He had to show Kelly his pain, because only then would he understand.
Zero met him in the hallway, tail wagging. He might not be so excited or love Nathaniel quite as much if he knew what was about to happen. Kelly was in the kitchen with a pot of tomato soup simmering on the stove and a grilled cheese sandwich sizzling in a skillet. He looked up, his expression hopeful.
“Hungry?”
Nathaniel shook his head. “We need to talk.”
“Okay.” Kelly turned off the burners and moved the skillet before joining Nathaniel at the table. “I did not kiss him. I was just talking to the guy when he practically jumped me.”
“I know,” Nathaniel said. “I saw.”
Kelly’s brow knotted up. “Then why have you been shut in your room this whole time?”
“It hurt,” Nathaniel croaked. “Seeing another person kiss you… You have no idea how bad that hurt.” He swallowed against the pain. That was enough. Time to flip the switch. He tried but must have been out of practice, because he still ached.
“I’m sorry,” Kelly said. “Believe me when I say I didn’t like it either.”
“It’s not your fault. That’s what’s so fucked up. I knew when I started falling for you that someone might get hurt, but I promised myself I wouldn’t be the one to hurt you. And I trusted you would try your hardest not to hurt me. Today didn’t break that trust. Neither one of us is at fault, and yet we still got hurt because we love each other.”
“That’s right,” Kelly said. “And it sucks. There’s nothing we can do about it, so we should have dinner together while badmouthing the guy. Or are you really going to let something this stupid tear us apart?”
He saw no sense in delaying the inevitable. Doing so would be cruel. Nathaniel looked directly at Kelly, who spoke before he could.
“You better tell me what you’re thinking.” Kelly’s voice was shaking. “Right now!”
“This will happen again,” Nathaniel explained. “Even if we manage not to hurt each other, eventually one of us will get sick or get bored, or someone else will get in the way. Maybe they won’t mean to. Maybe my mom will need me when she’s older and I’ll have to go to her—”
“I’d go with you,” Kelly offered.
“—or maybe one of us will die young or maybe you’ll fall out of love with me because emotions can’t be controlled. Or maybe we’ll get to a point where we want to hurt each other. I know that’s hard to imagine now, but relationships only get more complicated as time goes by.”
“So we better avoid them?” Kelly snapped. “Why do you even leave the house? Why aren’t you constantly scared of getting hit by a car or shot by some random lunatic?”
Nathaniel exhaled. “I never was before. Not until I fell in love with you. Now the idea of you being hurt, even just because I am—I hate it. I don’t want to hurt you, but I’m going to now, because if I wait any longer, it’ll hurt worse than you could ever imagine. The longer we let this go on, the greater the pain.”
“You’ll kill me,” Kelly said, reaching across the table with trembling hands to touch his. “That isn’t a dramatic threat. I won’t commit suicide or anything like that, but if you leave me now, it’s going to kill me. That’s how much I love you.”
Nathaniel pulled back his hands and looked away. Flip the switch. He clenched his jaw. Flip the goddamn switch! But this pain was too strong to be muted. He exhaled through his nose a few times, his eyes tearing up. “You have to trust me. This is for the best.”
“There’s something you’re not telling me,” Kelly said. “What is it? Do you have HIV? Some sort of terminal disease?”
Nathaniel sighed and shook his head. “No.”
“Something else. This has to do with your past. If you’re going to dump my ass, you can at least tell me. Please!”
“It won’t make a difference,” Nathaniel said. “People aren’t meant to be together like this. I know society pushes the idea, but it’s false. We’re happier on our own. We’re stronger. You especially. Leaving me won’t kill you. You never needed me to begin with.”
“I’m not leaving you!” Kelly shouted. “And don’t tell me what I need or how I feel. I wasn’t happier before I met you. I was okay, but since that first day we spent together, when we ran around Austin trying to figure out how to plan something spontaneous—” His voice cracked. “You don’t get to tell me how I feel.”
“Fine,” Nathaniel said. “Then I’m doing this for me. I can’t handle going through this again.”
“Through what?” Kelly demanded.
“People change,” Nathaniel said. “It can’t be helped. We love each other now, but you’re just starting out and you don’t realize how much heartbreak is around the corner. And I admit it. I’m scared of losing you or hurting you or a million other scenarios that keep me up at night. I’m a coward or maybe I’m just crazy. All I know is that I can’t handle this anymore.”
“You can,” Kelly said. “You’re so fucking strong. I know you can handle this!”
“You can’t tell me what I feel, either,” Nathaniel said softly. “And you’re wrong. I’m not strong. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t, and I won’t.”
He breathed in, holding the air in his lungs. Flip the switch. This time he found it. A good thing too. Kelly had determination. He wouldn’t cower and slink from the room. Instead he sat and pleaded with Nathaniel to be reasonable. He reminded him of all they had done together, every memory made under a blue sky, and the insanity of throwing that away. He got angry too, told Nathaniel he was being an idiot, weak, naïve. All of it was true, but none of his words changed what needed to be done. Kelly even let down his guard and cried, which only made Nathaniel hate himself more. Kelly kept digging deeper inside himself, finding the strength to keep fighting, until he finally reached his core.
Kelly stood up from the table
, eyes hard. “This is going to hurt,” he said. “Way more than it does right now, way more than you imagined, because I know how much I love you, and I’ve felt how much you love me. Your worst nightmare comes true, starting right now, unless you risk the future with me.”
Nathaniel lowered his eyes, kept his attention on the table as Kelly crouched next to Zero, saying hushed words to him. Nathaniel only heard one. Goodbye. Then Kelly gathered his things and went to the apartment door. He didn’t open it. Nathaniel waited, fighting the urge to get off his ass and prevent the worst mistake of his life from happening. Doing so would only perpetuate the worst mistake Kelly had ever made. Nathaniel wasn’t good enough for him. Kelly deserved better. Maybe he finally realized this, because the door squeaked open. Nathaniel kept his attention on the table, trying to keep his emotions under control. He almost managed, but then Zero whimpered.
Nathaniel took a deep shuddering breath. “I’m sorry,” he said, but not to the dog. He looked over to where Kelly had been standing. The hallway was empty. The door already closed. It was too late, but he tried again anyway. “I’m sorry.”
Chapter Nineteen
Kelly returned to the apartment the next day, pounding on the door in the early afternoon. Nathaniel did his best to ignore this, having decided that he had done the right thing, if not for himself, then for Kelly. Besides, what more was there to say? Later that night, when Kelly returned again, Nathaniel didn’t bother pretending he wasn’t home. They had broken up. Kelly needed to accept that. Hiding from him at work wouldn’t be easy, so Nathaniel called Marcello and asked a favor.
“You haven’t willingly taken time off since your first day,” Marcello said. “I had to pretend the office was closed just to be rid of you. Or send you on that assignment to Prague, the one that was mysteriously cancelled when your plane landed.”
“Is there any aspect of my life you don’t manipulate?”
Marcello chuckled. “Not really, you poor soul. By all means, take a few days off!”
“I was thinking a few weeks,” Nathaniel said.
“I see. Planning a romantic get away? Your lovely boyfriend is scheduled to be in the studio next week.”
“He’ll be there.”
The line was silent a moment. “You’re not travelling together?”
“My family needs me,” Nathaniel said. “I don’t want to subject him to two weeks of that.”
“Quite so. I don’t have much in the way of family myself, but from what I’ve experienced through others, family gatherings are rather like attending a convention where nobody shares the same interest.”
“Exactly,” Nathaniel said. “Hold down the fort for me, okay?”
“Naturally.”
After hanging up the phone, Nathaniel didn’t hesitate. Midnight was steadily approaching, he packed a suitcase anyway, loaded Zero in the backseat, and pointed the car toward Houston. He intended to get a hotel room when he arrived since his parents would be in bed, but he couldn’t help himself. He wanted the comfort of familiar surroundings. He was letting himself in the front door when the hall light switched on. His mother appeared wearing her robe, not the slightest bit groggy.
“I couldn’t sleep,” she said. “Now I know why.” She crouched down to pet Zero, who was flipping out with joy, but her attention remained on her son. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” Nathaniel said. “I just needed to get away.”
Ten minutes later they were seated at the kitchen table, sharing a bottle of wine. Nathaniel tried to keep conversation neutral, but Star kept scrutinizing him, her motherly instincts striking close to the truth. “If he left you, then he’s a fool. If you’re having problems, they can be solved.”
“I left him,” Nathaniel said, not wanting to play games.
“What happened? What did he do?”
“Nothing.” Nathaniel took a swig of wine. “I don’t want to get hurt. It’s better this way.”
“I can see that you’re hurting already!”
“And it’s enough. I’m done.”
His mother sighed. “Honey, if the only reason you broke things off is because you got scared, you need to rethink this.”
He stared at his wine instead of replying.
“I like Kelly,” his mother pressed.
Nathaniel shrugged. “So do I.”
Star remained silent until he looked at her. “You’re supposed to learn from the mistakes of your parents,” she said.
“Meaning?”
“That if someone is mistreating you, you either do something about it or leave. I’m still ashamed that you had to step in when your father was struggling with his issues. When he was hitting me,” she amended. “I’m embarrassed that my own child had to make me see what needed to be done. So if Kelly wasn’t good to you, and this is your solution, then fine.”
“He wasn’t abusive,” Nathaniel said. “Kelly is perfect. He’s better off without me.”
“Then you need to learn a lesson from your father, and for once I mean Victor.”
No other name could have captured his attention just then. “How so?”
Star sighed, tapping the base of her wine glass with one manicured nail. “Victor was too self-sacrificing. He loved without discrimination or boundary, which could be frustrating for those of us who loved him back, but I’m not sure he was so generous with himself. Love can be selfish, especially when you do everything in your power to keep the other person with you. That’s part of wanting someone else. In such situations, Victor always let go. When I told him I was moving to California with Heath, part of me hoped he would try to stop me, demand that I stay in the Midwest just for him. Or when Jace—Victor’s boyfriend—went off to college, Victor never tried to hold him back. That was noble, but I’m not sure nobility and love are compatible. Hearts don’t collide without causing collateral damage. If you go through life trying not to hurt anyone, even yourself, you’ll probably end up alone. Victor was alone in the end, and I wish more than anything that he hadn’t been.”
“I’m not alone,” Nathaniel said. “I’ve got Zero. And an awesome mom.”
“Neither one of us will be around forever,” his mother said gently.
The thought was too depressing to consider. As was the whole conversation. “Can we talk about something else?”
“One more lesson,” Star said. “This one from your other father, the one who raised you. When Heath realized he was losing me, he fought hard to change. I swear to you he hasn’t come close to making the same mistakes again. That’s what love is. It’s good that you don’t want to hurt Kelly, or be hurt by him, but love means learning from the bruises we give each other so we can avoid them in the future.”
“And what did you learn from your bruises?” Nathaniel challenged.
“That I needed to love myself more,” his mother replied. “That’s what I was trying to say before. Fight for yourself if need be, or fight for the other person if he is slipping away. Just don’t give up. Not if you love him and he loves you back. Think about it. Please.”
Nathaniel drained his glass and looked away. “I will.”
* * * * *
Sitting around the house and feeling miserable slowly became routine. Star forced him to go grocery shopping with her, and Zero insisted on daily walks. Other than those activities, Nathaniel lounged around an entire week, watching old movies on cable. When his cell phone battery died, he didn’t bother recharging it. He was dead to the world. He wanted it that way, so when his mother told him that Sheila was coming over, he wasn’t happy. He got cleaned up regardless, not wanting to set a bad example for his nephew. He also wanted to be ready to leave the house, just in case his brother started anything.
Dwight was “struggling,” as their mother put it, which translated to drinking too much and getting arrested. He’d spent nearly a year in county jail and was only recently out on parole. Sheila was working hard to provide a steady life for Arthur, since Dwight couldn’t be relied on. Nathaniel always made
sure to ask about them when he called his mom and showered them with presents both practical and extravagant on gift-giving occasions. The rest was up to Sheila. Nathaniel thought she needed to leave Dwight, but he couldn’t make that decision for her.
To his great relief, she showed up at the house without her husband. Sheila greeted Nathaniel warmly, but Arthur was much more wary of him, not even wanting a hug.
“Swing set,” he demanded, running off through the house toward the backyard.
A few seconds later they heard Star’s happy cries, followed by what sounded like an excessive amount of kisses and excited barking.
“Zero is here?” Sheila asked. “That should keep him busy. Arthur loves dogs.”
“He’s getting big,” Nathaniel commented as they settled down on the couch. “How old is he now?”
Sheila’s smile was melancholy. “Four.”
“Isn’t his birthday just around the—”
“He’s four years old!” she insisted. “I won’t think of him as a minute older until I’m forced to.”
Nathaniel laughed. “Time going too fast for you?”
“I’d stop it if I could,” Sheila said. “I really would. How are you doing?”
“Ugh,” Nathaniel replied. “Let’s just say I’m not eager for time to stop. I’d like to speed it up by a decade or two and see how I feel then.”
“Kelly?” she asked. When he looked surprised, she added, “Your mom told me.”
“Of course she did. You’re not here to lecture me about relationships, are you?”
Sheila’s tone was ironic. “Sure, I’m practically an expert.” Then she sighed. “All I can teach you is what you shouldn’t do.”
