by Dan Gutman
Dedication
To Emma
Thanks to Gail Schwoebel
Contents
Dedication
1. Welcome, Miss Universe
2. Space Week
3. Throwing Up and Throwing Down
4. Grown-Ups Behaving Badly
5. The Secret Door
6. A Dot in the Sky
7. It’s Not Fair!
8. A Tour of the Solar System
9. The Ending . . . of the World
Back Ads
About the Author and Illustrator
Credits
Copyright
About the Publisher
My name is A.J. and I hate putting on plays.
Plays are dumb. You have to learn a bunch of lines. You have to stand up in front of the whole school. Everybody’s watching. If you make a mistake, everybody laughs. Ugh, I hate plays.
I had to be in a play this week. Here’s what happened. Most days I take the bus to school. But sometimes my dad drops me off on his way to work. When we pulled into the drop-off line the other day, there was a big sign on the front lawn of Ella Mentry School. . . .
WELCOME, MISS UNIVERSE!
My dad slammed on the brakes.
“Sorry!” he said. “I was reading that sign.”
“Who’s Miss Universe?” I asked.
“Hmmm,” Dad replied. “We’d better park the car and go inside to find out.”
“Don’t you have to go to work, Dad?” I asked.
“Your education is more important to me than work, A.J.,” he replied.
We parked the car and went inside. There was another sign in the hallway. . . .
MISS UNIVERSE IS COMING
TO MR. COOPER’S CLASS!
That’s my class! Dad and I walked a million hundred miles to the classroom. Dad walked really fast. It was like he was in a race or something. I guess he was in a hurry because he had to go to work.
When we got to Mr. Cooper’s class, you’ll never believe who was sitting in the back of the room.
Ryan’s dad.
And Michael’s dad.
And Alexia’s dad.
And Andrea’s dad.
And Emily’s dad.
And Neil’s dad.
All the dads were sitting in the back of the classroom! Even some dads of the kids in other classes were trying to get into the room. The place was crawling with dads! Some of them had to stand because there weren’t enough chairs.
That was weird. Usually our moms are the ones who come to school for assemblies and stuff.
I said hi to Mr. Cooper and put my backpack in my cubby. Then I went to my seat. That’s when our principal, Mr. Klutz, came into the room. He has no hair at all. I mean none. His head looks like one of those mannequins in a store window.
“Is Miss Universe really going to be here?” one of the dads asked Mr. Klutz.
“Will we get to meet her?” asked another dad.
“Can we get our picture taken with Miss Universe?” asked a third dad.
“Gentlemen!” Mr. Klutz replied. “Please calm down and stop pushing and shoving. Miss Universe will be here any minute, and you can all get your pictures taken with her.”
“Yay!” shouted all the dads.
The only one in the room who didn’t look happy was our teacher, Mr. Cooper.
“I was going to do a math lesson this morning,” he told Mr. Klutz.
“Miss Universe is only available for a short time,” Mr. Klutz told him. “So you’ll have to save that math lesson for another day.”
Fine with me. I hate math.
Mr. Klutz went out in the hall. I turned around and saw my dad fussing with his hair. That was weird. I never saw Dad fussing with his hair before. He hardly even has any hair to fuss with.
We had to wait a long time for Miss Universe. The dads in the back of the room all looked like they were on pins and needles. But they weren’t. At least some of them were sitting on chairs. It would hurt to be on pins and needles. Finally Mr. Klutz came back in the room.
“I’m happy to report that Miss Universe is here!” he announced. “Boys and girls, I’d like to introduce the one . . . the only . . . Miss . . . Universe!”
All the dads pulled out their cell phones and held them up so they could take pictures. And you’ll never believe in a million hundred years who came through the door at that moment.
Nobody! You can’t come through a door. Doors are made of wood. But you’ll never believe who came through the doorway.
It was Miss Universe, of course!*
She was a short lady with gray hair who looked a lot like my grandmother. She was wearing a big yellow hat with tennis balls, Ping-Pong balls, and some other balls hanging from it.
“Hi everybody!” Miss Universe said. “My name is Miss Tracy. But you can call me Miss Universe, because I’m here to teach you about astronomy.”
“Ohhhhhhh,” the dads in the back of the room groaned.
Astronomy? What’s that?
Andrea Young, this annoying girl with curly brown hair, had already looked it up on her smartphone. “Astronomy is the study of stars, planets, and outer space,” she said.
All the dads stood up.
“Look at the time,” one of them said. “I’m going to be late for work!”
“Me too!” a few of the other dads said.
“I have an important meeting!”
“I have a train to catch.”
“So do I!”
All the dads started pushing and shoving to get out the doorway.
“Wait!” shouted Mr. Klutz. “Don’t you want to have your pictures taken with Miss Universe?”
“No time!”
“Sorry!”
“Gotta run!”
A minute later all the dads were gone. That was weird.
I guess they didn’t want to meet Miss Universe after all.
Mr. Klutz told us it was Space Week at Ella Mentry School. He said Miss Tracy is a retired scientist who spent her whole career studying astronomy.
“Are you a mad scientist?” I asked her.
“Well, sometimes I do get mad,” Miss Tracy replied.
Oooh, she’s a mad scientist! Mad scientists are cool. Miss Tracy will probably try to take over the world. That’s what mad scientists do.
“Miss Tracy will be visiting our school for the next few days,” Mr. Klutz told us. “I have to go to a meeting now, but I’ll check back later to see how you’re making out.”
Ugh, gross! I’m not going to be making out with anybody!
Mr. Klutz left. Mr. Cooper went to the front of the class with Miss Tracy. He looked like he was still mad about missing his math lesson.
“What will you be teaching us?” Mr. Cooper asked as he passed out name tags so Miss Tracy would be able to call us by our names.
“We’ll be learning about planets, stars, black holes, asteroids, meteors, and everything to do with outer space,” she replied.* “But mainly, I want to show your students that astronomy can be fun. In a few days we’ll be putting on a little play about astronomy for the school.”
Oh no. A play. My worst nightmare.
“I love plays!” said Andrea. “My favorite play is Annie.”
Ugh, Andrea said the L word.
“I hate plays,” I said.
“Oh, you just say you hate plays because I said I love them, Arlo,” said Andrea, who calls me by my real name because she knows I don’t like it. “You always say the opposite of me.”
“I do not,” I said.
“See?” said Andrea. “You did it again. I bet you secretly like plays, Arlo.”
“I do not. Plays are boring.”
“Oh, I promise you this one won’t be boring!” said Miss Tr
acy. “Learning about the planets is fascinating.”
The only thing I know about planets is that our old teacher, Mr. Granite, came from a different one. He was born on the planet Etinarg (which is “Granite” spelled backward). He came to Earth in a spaceship. But then one day another spaceship came, and the aliens took Mr. Granite back to Etinarg. We were all sad. That’s when Mr. Cooper became our teacher. You can read all about it in a book called Mr. Cooper Is Super!
“Let’s start by talking about the sun,” said Miss Tracy. “The sun is big. So it’s the center of attention. I need a volunteer. Who wants to be the sun?”
“I do!” we all shouted.
Andrea was waving her hand in the air like she was stranded on a desert island and trying to signal a plane.
“Okay, Andrea, you can be the sun,” said Miss Tracy. “Come up to the front of the class.”
“Boo!” said everybody but Andrea.
“Yay!” said Andrea as she ran up to the front. “I should be the sun. My mom tells me that I’m really bright.”
“How come she gets to be the sun?” I complained. “It’s not fair!”
“I have an important job for you too, A.J.,” Miss Tracy said. “I need you to be a planet.”
Being a planet could be cool, I guess.
“Well, okay,” I agreed.
“Great! Come up to the front, A.J.,” said Miss Tracy. “What I need you to do is revolve around the sun.”
“Ooooo,” Ryan said. “A.J.’s going to revolve around Andrea. They must be in LOVE!”
“When are you gonna get married?” asked Michael.
If those guys weren’t my best friends, I would hate them.
“I don’t want to revolve around Andrea!” I shouted.
“Okay, okay,” said Miss Tracy. “A.J., sit down. Emily, would you like to be a planet?”
“Sure!” said Emily.
She might as well. She’s always revolving around Andrea anyway.
“Great!” said Miss Tracy. “Andrea, you stand right here in the middle and don’t move. Remember, you’re the sun, the center of our solar system. Now, Emily, I’d like you to walk slowly around Andrea. You’re planet Earth.”
“I’m scared,” said Emily, who’s scared of everything.
“You’ll be fine,” Mr. Cooper told Emily. “There’s nothing to be afraid of.”
Emily started walking around Andrea.
“Good,” said Miss Tracy. “Every time Emily makes one lap around Andrea, it’s called an orbit. That’s one year. It takes Earth 365 days to travel around the sun. So there are 365 days in a year.”
Huh! I didn’t know that’s how they measured a year. I always thought the year ended when you ran out of days on the calendar and your parents had to buy a new one.
“Now, Emily, keep revolving around Andrea,” said Miss Tracy, “and at the same time, I need you to turn around in circles.”
Emily kept walking around Andrea and started turning around as she walked.
“While the Earth revolves around the sun, it also spins, or rotates,” said Miss Tracy. “That’s what causes night and day. Remember, Andrea is giving off a lot of light. When Emily is facing Andrea, it’s daytime on that half of the Earth. When Emily is facing away from Andrea, it’s nighttime.”
Emily walked around Andrea and spun at the same time.
“Daytime . . . nighttime . . . daytime . . . nighttime,” said Miss Tracy. “See?”
“I’m getting a little dizzy,” Emily said.
“Is that why we see the sunrise and sunset?” asked Neil, who we call the nude kid even though he wears clothes. “Because the Earth spins?”
“Yes!” said Miss Tracy. “Very good, Neil.”
“Are we almost finished?” asked Emily.
“I was in a play where I had to sing a song about the sun,” said Andrea. “The song went like this: Sunrise, sunset . . . sunrise, sunset. . . .”
It’s so annoying when Andrea sings. Why can’t a truck full of planets fall on her head?
“Can I stop now?” asked Emily.
“Keep spinning, Emily!” said Miss Tracy. “So the Earth is revolving around the sun and rotating at the same time. You may not know this, but the Earth is also tilted to the side a little. Emily, can you tilt to the side?”
“I think I’m going to—” said Emily.
She never had the chance to finish her sentence. Because that’s when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened.
Emily fell down.
And then she threw up.
It was gross!
I don’t think that happens with real planets.
Mr. Cooper rushed over to the intercom and called the front office.
“One of my students just threw up!” he shouted into the phone.
A few seconds later there was a weird noise outside our classroom door. It sounded like a lawn mower was coming down the hallway.
But it wasn’t a lawn mower. It was Miss Lazar, our school custodian! She was riding her motorized scooter. Miss Lazar was wearing her big blue overalls with the letters SC on the front.
“Have no fear! It is I, Super Custodian!” said Miss Lazar as she hopped off the scooter. “What happened?”
“Emily got sick,” Ryan said, pointing at Emily on the floor.
“This looks like a job for Super Custodian!” said Miss Lazar. “Any time finger paint is spilled, or somebody loses their retainer in the garbage can, or a child throws up, Super Custodian will be at your service to—”
“Can you just clean up the mess, please?” asked Mr. Cooper.
“You can count on me!” Miss Lazar said. She put on a pair of big yellow plastic gloves. “I’ll have this cleaned up in a jiffy.”
“I’m sorry I made a mess,” Emily said.
“No worries,” said Miss Lazar. “I love messes! If kids didn’t make messes, I wouldn’t have a job. So make all the messes you want. In fact, I wish you kids would throw up more. I don’t have enough work to do.”
Miss Lazar is bizarre.*
Suddenly Mrs. Cooney, our school nurse, came running in.
“Emily, are you okay?” asked Mrs. Cooney as she put a cold rag on Emily’s forehead.
“I think so,” said Emily.
While Mrs. Cooney was taking care of Emily and Miss Lazar was cleaning up the mess, Miss Tracy got all excited.
“This is what I call a teachable moment!” she said. “Emily didn’t really throw up, did she? No, she threw down.”
WHAT?!
“You just demonstrated the law of gravity, Emily,” Miss Tracy told her. “Did any of you kids ever hear of Sir Isaac Newton?”
“Is he the guy who invented Fig Newtons?” I asked.
“Not exactly,” replied Miss Tracy. “Isaac Newton is one of the most famous scientists in history. He discovered gravity. Who can tell us what gravity is?”
Smarty-pants Andrea had already looked it up on her smartphone. She read off her screen, “Gravity is the force of attraction by which objects tend to fall toward the center of the Earth.”
“HUH?” we all said, which is also “HUH” backward.
“Let me explain it another way,” said Miss Tracy. “I’m going to tell you a little story. It was the year 1666. Isaac Newton was twenty-three years old, and he was sitting under a tree in his mother’s garden in England. Suddenly an apple fell off the tree and hit him on the head.”
That was a weird story.
“Newton noticed that the apple fell straight down,” Miss Tracy continued. “It didn’t fall sideways. It didn’t fall up. So he came to the conclusion that all objects are drawn toward the Earth’s center by a force called gravity. Gravity is what makes things fall down.”
WHAT? That made no sense at all. Where else is an apple gonna fall but down? Somebody had to discover that stuff falls down instead of up? That’s a discovery? Everybody knows stuff falls down! I could have told Miss Tracy that, and I’m just in third grade.
That Fig Newton guy was w
eird. And Miss Tracy is spacey.
“Let’s try an experiment,” said Miss Tracy as she picked up a coffee mug from Mr. Cooper’s desk and held it up in the air. “What do you think will happen if I let go of this coffee mug?”
“It will fall down,” shouted Michael.
“Let’s do the experiment and find out,” said Miss Tracy.
“Wait! Don’t!” shouted Mr. Cooper.
It was too late. Miss Tracy let go of the coffee mug. It fell down and broke into a million hundred pieces on the floor.
“Oh, snap!” yelled Ryan.
“See?” said Miss Tracy. “That’s gravity at work!”
“You broke my lucky coffee mug!” shouted Mr. Cooper.
“Don’t worry,” said Miss Lazar. “I’ll clean that mess up as soon as I finish with this mess. I love cleaning up messes.”
“Just as gravity made Emily fall down and throw down, it’s also the force that holds our solar system together,” said Miss Tracy. “The sun’s gravity holds the Earth in its orbit. The Earth’s gravity holds the moon in its orbit.”
That gravity stuff was pretty cool, but I wasn’t thinking about gravity at that moment. I was thinking about Mr. Cooper. He looked mad.
Mr. Cooper is a pretty easygoing guy, but he wasn’t happy when Miss Tracy prevented him from doing his math lesson. And after Miss Tracy broke his lucky coffee mug, he looked really angry. If he had been in a cartoon, smoke would have been pouring out of his ears.
“Well, I must be going,” said Miss Tracy. “I’ve got to talk to the other classes about astronomy.”
“Wait!” said Mr. Cooper. “Before you go, can I ask you a question about gravity?”
“Of course,” said Miss Tracy.
“Let’s say the sun’s gravity pulled a planet closer,” said Mr. Cooper. “What would happen?”
“It would get very hot on that planet,” Miss Tracy replied. “It might even burn up.”
“Do you mean like this?” asked Mr. Cooper.
And with that, he took a little lighter out of his pocket. Then he grabbed Miss Tracy’s hat with all the balls hanging from it. Then he flicked his lighter and a little flame appeared.
