by K. G. Reuss
A sick feeling roiled in my gut. Something about this whole situation seemed strange. I had to have the answers. These feelings I had for Everly were so overpowering that I was doing all I could to keep myself from going to her at that moment, and I knew I’d hold her more than I’d kill her, a feeling that tormented me inside.
“You look like you have something on your mind, Shadow,” Damien commented.
I surveyed my friends silently for a moment. They were right. We’d known each other since we learned to walk. We trained together. Hunted together. Did everything together. Me withholding information on them wasn’t like me.
“Something’s changing,” I said softly, swallowing hard. “I don’t know what it is, but I can feel it. There’s this… pull to her. She needs me. And-and I… think I need her. I can’t describe it. I-I want to love her more than hate her.”
“What do you mean?” Damien asked, unfolding his arms, a look of confusion on his face that mirrored Eric’s.
“She’s mine,” I answered simply, knowing that was exactly what the feeling was. Everly was mine. She’d always been and always would be. Dead or alive, the girl belonged to me. Whatever that meant.
Chapter 5
“Yours?” Eric asked, his confusion turning into concern.
“I feel for her,” I murmured. “I always have. But now, it’s different. I don’t understand it. And it’s killing me.” Fear filled my eyes as I met each of their gazes. I’d never felt like that before. I’d never wanted to have that sort of relationship with anyone. Even with Amara it was forced and unnatural, but now…I wanted her. I wanted Everly. It was eating at me, warring with my hatred, confusing me, making me feel frantic and unpredictable.
“OK, hold up,” Damien cut in, his hand in the air. “Are you telling us that you’re in love with a girl you’ve never spoken to? I thought you hated her and wanted to kill her?”
“I’m not in love with her.” I ran my fingers through my hair and rubbed my eyes, denying the strange swell of feelings bubbling up within me. “And I have spoken to her—once. And maybe my time with Amara is up. And I do hate her. I’m confused.”
“Damn, brother. You’re messed up. You’re considering breaking it off with Amara, but you’re telling us you’re not in love with this other girl—what’s her name again?” Damien looked at me skeptically.
“Everly. Her name is Everly.”
“OK, so, Shadow. You’re a bad ass. And you’ve been banging it out with one of the hottest chicks we’ve ever met—Amara. Then, out of the blue, someone you protected as a kid is back in the picture, a chick you’ve spoken to once…” He rolled his eyes. “…and who, in fact, is probably terrified of you since you have it in your mind that you want to kill her, and now you want to break it off with Amara to…what? If you don’t love this chick, then what the hell is going on?” Damien leaned forward in his seat again and stared pointedly at me. “Tell me one thing, man.”
“What?” I mumbled.
“How hot is this Everly chick?”
“Man, shut up.” I shook my head at him. “It’s not like that at all! This is something different. I told you. I’m drawn to her, and I think that part is winning over my desire to kill her.”
“OK, chill, man. So, because of some weird pull you feel to the girl, you’ve decided to break things off with Amara? I’m sorry, brother. But that makes absolutely no sense to me,” Damien finished. “You should probably get in touch with Brighton and see about getting your head examined. Too many hits from the carrion may have left you punch drunk.” He imitated being punched in the head.
“I think what Damien is trying to say…” Eric shot a sour look at Damien. “…is that you may be reacting rashly here. Breaking it off with Amara probably isn’t the best choice right now. Maybe you just need to figure out what the deal is with this girl. Go to the Order. See what they say. They may have all the answers you need. Once you know what’s going on, then make the decision. For now, just go let your girl show you how much she missed you. She’s been driving us nuts. And I’m going to be honest, you’re acting all sorts of crazy. Maybe you just need to get laid and relax for a bit. Couldn’t hurt at this point.”
“You’re right,” I said, climbing to my feet. “I’m reacting poorly. I-I just don’t know what’s happening to me. I’m not this guy.”
“It’s cool, man. I’d be confused too if this stuff was happening to me.” Eric gave me a grin. “But to set the record straight, Amara may be hot, but I can’t stand her. I’m not the one who has kiss her ass though. That, and all these choices, are on you, friend.”
“Thanks, ass.” I shook my head, giving him a playful shove. We ended the meeting, and I made my way outside and found Amara in the school square with a sour look on her pretty face. I wanted to feel something with her. For her. I wanted to experience with her what I sensed with Everly—not the hatred part. The part where it felt like my soul was singing for her. I’d never had a real conversation with Everly, but I knew if I ever did, she would astound me. With Amara, it was always so… dry. She was high maintenance, and sometimes I wondered if she only wanted me because of who I was.
“Hey,” I called out as I stopped beside her. Her lips curved up into a smile at my presence. But still there was nothing, not even a dash of butterflies in my gut.
“Hey. Did you guys get everything worked out?”
“Yeah,” I said, squinting my eyes, the sun far too bright for my liking.
“I didn’t get much information,” Amara continued, clearing her throat. “I couldn’t focus.”
“That’s not acceptable,” I answered sternly. “When you’re asked to complete a task, you must, even if your mind is elsewhere. It’s part of being what we are, Amara.”
“Like you?” she countered. “You disappeared and ran out on the guys! What’s that all about?”
“What I do on my own missions is no concern of yours,” I growled, my already growing frustration rearing its ugly head as I stared down at her. “And it wasn’t like I had a choice in the matter.”
“I want to know what’s going on,” she demanded, her lower lip jutted out. “You’re always so secretive! I’m your girlfriend! I deserve to know—”
“Amara,” I said firmly, looking around to see a few students were staring at us interestedly. The moment they noticed me noticing them, they hastily tried looking busy. That was how things were for me—people feared me, as they should. I wasn’t exactly the most engaging guy, and I enjoyed being what I was. I steered Amara out of the square and down a small alley before speaking again. “Something is happening. Something big. I don’t know why or what it is. I just know things are going to change soon. You’re a member of Conexus. You know when missions come, we do them without question. Even the ones we don’t want to do.” I considered what was happening with Everly to be a mission, even if it wasn’t handed down by the Order. I had the power of Conexus on missions as long as they were justified. This was justified.
“What are you saying?” She frowned at me.
“I’m saying that just be prepared and don’t hate me.”
“You’re scaring me, Shadow,” she murmured, her hands coming out to rest on my chest as she stared up at me. “I love you.”
I shook my head and looked away, not saying anything. Those words meant something to her, but not to me. I hated it when we had those conversations. Why couldn’t we just have some fun and relieve some stress without it always turning so serious? Every touch, every kiss, every time we were near each other had to be some big gesture where words that didn’t mean shit to me being forced on me. It seemed like every time we were together anymore it turned into this.
“Why don’t you ever say it back to me?” she asked softly, her bottom lip trembling. “I’ve said it countless times, and you’ve never said it back to me once.”
“Amara…” I took her shaking hands in mine, hating the person I was. “I’m sorry. I’m just not in the same place you are.”
&nbs
p; “You will be though, right?” Her eyes flashed fearfully. “Because we only have each other—” She was so dramatic.
“I don’t want to have this conversation right now,” I mumbled, reaching out and brushing her red hair away from her face. It was the most effort I could put into the moment and even that was difficult. “You know how I feel about this stuff.”
“I know, but I need to know that this is going somewhere! All you do is cater to the Order—”
“The Order is my life,” I growled, pushing her hands away from me. “It’s my entire future. I’m a general, Amara. I’m next in line as the sigil! I was born into this. I’m royal. The Order comes first. Always. You should know that better than anyone.”
“You’d choose it over love?” she whispered, her hazel eyes filling with tears. I closed my eyes for a moment, Everly’s beautiful face dancing in the darkness. Why was I seeing her face? Why was she haunting me? Why was my heart beating madly in my chest at just the thought of her? God, she was seriously messing my head up.
“I don’t know. Right now, it’s my main focus. We’re fighting a war. The safety of everyone—Specials, Natties, our worlds—is the most important. The Cipher are out to get us and take over. You know how important it is now more than ever for us to remain focused on our tasks.”
“I get that. I do!” She wrapped her arms around me and rested her head against my shoulder. She was a tall girl, as were most female werewolves her age. I pictured holding Everly in my arms, how her head would probably rest perfectly on my chest. In my mind, Everly was my puzzle piece, fitting perfectly against me like she was made for me and me for her.
Damnit. What the hell!
I gave myself a quick mental shake. I had to figure out why I was feeling so much for her when I’d only spoken to her once. When I blamed her for my mother’s death. It wasn’t in my nature to form such a close bond with anyone. To even try a relationship with Amara was practically unheard of with me.
I didn’t hug her back. I never did, at least not in a way that would melt her heart. Maybe a quick pat here or there, but I never held her until she melted in my arms. Even kissing wasn’t something I engaged in a lot. As for the rest, I wasn’t the cuddle afterwards sort of guy either. I was the “thanks-for-the-good-time-where-are-my-pants-I-have-to-go-now” kind of guy. I still couldn’t figure out why Amara wanted to be with me. I wasn’t a wealth of emotion or affection. Damien liked to say she was attracted to my status, my crown, not me, because let’s face it, I wasn’t a good boyfriend.
“Will you please tell me where you went?” she begged softly as she gazed up at me.
I stared at her for a moment before letting out a sigh. I’d said I wasn’t going to do this, yet here I was, in the midst of starting an argument over something neither of us could control. It wasn’t like I asked to be drawn to Everly. I mean, not at first, but now that I was… I wanted to keep going. At least until I finished what I had to do, whatever that may be.
“There’s this girl,” I started. She immediately tensed. Amara wasn’t cool with me talking to other girls. She had a jealous, mean streak which was typical of her kind, the werewolves. However, hers was just a little more pronounced with me. “We’ve been a part of each other’s lives since we were little.” I went on to explain the story of me and Ever to her. Her lips turned down into a deeper frown the further into the story I went. And she was all but scowling when I finished telling her the story of Everly.
“You’ve only ever spoken to her once?” she asked, her voice tight.
“Yes,” I answered simply. “I wouldn’t even know what to say to her if I did speak to her. I have to go to the Order to find out why she wasn’t brought here as a child instead of being forced to exist with her gifts in the Nattie world. There’s obviously a reason she and I are linked to one another—”
“You aren’t linked to her!” Amara proclaimed, a dark cloud storming over her pretty features. “You’re mine. You’re linked to me. It’s me and you, remember? You can’t just go demand to know why the Order left her in the Nattie world. There’s clearly a reason! Maybe she’s crazy! And you just said it yourself, she’s the reason your mother is dead.”
I flinched at her words.
I quickly reeled in my anger. “Amara, you’re acting insane. You need to chill,” I reprimanded her softly, swallowing hard. “This is a matter that needs looking into, which is what I intended on doing. Everly…she’s a quiet girl with no known mental issues, and she needs help. Maybe mine. I’m not sure. And I desperately need to figure out what’s happening in my head. So, I’m going to do whatever I have to do whether I have your approval or not.”
“So, you’re going to do this no matter what I say?” Her lips were drawn tightly together as she surveyed me with cool eyes. “Even if I tell you that I don’t want you to? Even if you decide she needs saving, and you’re the one to do it?”
“Yes,” I answered. “Even then. It’s my duty to keep the peace, to keep people safe. My thoughts as of late haven’t showcased it, and for that I’m ashamed. She’s special to me.” Her face fell with my words. They probably came out sounding more severe than I intended or portrayed more feelings toward Everly than I planned, even if those feelings were confusing to me.
“She’s special to you, and I’ve been with you for nearly a year now and you’ve not once said anything close to that about me. We sleep together. We spend time together,” her voice hitched. “But you never say things like that to me. I just want you to really sit back and think about me and you. Please?”
“Amara, I’m considering killing this girl. Do you understand that? I want to slice into her tender skin and watch her bleed simply because I blame her for my mother’s death when I know I shouldn’t. And on the flipside of it, I want to keep her safe from everything—including myself. I’m not standing here telling you that I’m in love with her.” I breathed out, my heart aching beyond words for reasons I didn’t want to explore. It was an unfamiliar feeling to me, and I didn’t like it. “I’m telling you this is a serious situation where I may react in ways that could cost me everything. A-And I’m afraid for her. And me.”
“Where am I in this picture? You’re not even stopping to see how this affects me! We’re together, Shadow. Me and you. Anything that happens to you, happens to me—”
“Mara, you know damn well we’re just two people sleeping together. We haven’t been linked in the ceremony like some of our other members. It’s just me. And it’s you. Not us. And we’re totally separate when it comes to this. Get it through your head!”
“No! You always do this! You’re always rushing to the aid of someone else! You were there for Sloane when she was inducted into Conexus. And then that Fae on campus a few weeks ago that was trying to learn to hold her damn sword? It was you at her side, trying to help! But when I need you, you’re not there for me!”
“Why do you do this? If I’m not kissing your ass all the time, you’re mad. What do you want from me, Mara? Huh? Because I’m not the guy you have in your head. Stop putting me up on some imaginary pedestal and hoping that I’ll change! I’m not going to change. This is me. You knew that when you crawled into my bed. I can’t even hang out with the guys and unwind. I’m at a breaking point here, and all you’re concerned about is how it affects you. Cut the crap. I don’t have the time or patience for it. I have way too much going on right now to deal with this shit.”
“You know what? I don’t have time to deal with it either!” she snapped at me, backing away. “In fact, go do whatever it is the great and mighty Conexus general has to do! I don’t want to even talk to you until you get your shit together!”
She stormed off, her red hair whipping angrily behind her, leaving me standing alone in the alley. And for some reason, that didn’t bother me.
Chapter 6
I woke up early the next morning and dressed quickly. I’d sent a fire message to the Order the previous night asking about Everly and whether she was a registered Speci
al. So far, I hadn’t heard back from them. Before I fell asleep last night, I vowed to pay them a visit if I hadn’t received word from them by morning.
I went to the basement of our home and pressed my hand to the ornate black portal gate on the wall. The runes lit up, and the opening glowed briefly before the lush greenery from Xanan became visible through it. Being able to portal to Xanan, a place located between Ireland and the United Kingdom in a place no Nattie could see, was a relief since getting there by other means took a long time. Usually, a strong caster or lock was needed to open the portal but since I seemed to possess that ability from them, I was able to open it without a hitch.
Eric, Damien, and I had grown up in the capital city of Xanan. We’d run through the rolling green fields on the edge of the realm, laughing and playing and poking all the magical creatures we could find. The memories of our days there brought a smile to my face.
“We’ve been expecting you,” Danan, a member of the Sentries, a group of guards who kept watch over the Citadel—the meeting place of the Order—greeted me as I exited the portal outside Xanan’s walls.
“Have you?” I asked, raising an eyebrow at him.
“Indeed.” He nodded. “The Order said you’d be coming. Are you well, General?”
“Quite,” I answered, not in the mood to talk to the overly interested man. It was no secret that Danan had desperately wanted to be a member of Conexus but never wowed any of the leaders in such a way to lead him to our ranks. Instead, he now headed the Sentries, the guards for the Citadel. It was like rent-a-cop for the Special world.
“It must be a very important visit to find you here so early in the day,” he continued, glancing at me from the corner of his eye. I took the reins to one of the horses from him and hoisted myself up as he climbed on his horse. I remained quiet as he tried to dig information out of me. “Sir Sangrey has been looking forward to seeing you again. You’re all he talks about.”
