by Blair, E. K.
Thinking about what sparked the whole conversation with Candace yesterday, I say, “I hate that your tattoo makes you feel the way it does.” I hate the way it makes me feel too. It’s hard for me to look at because almost every time I do, I see the girl from that night, and I can’t stand thinking of her like that, the way she looked lying there unconscious. There have been a couple times in the past where I’ve had to cover it with my hand while we make love because it hurts too much to look at.
“I thought about having it removed once.”
“Have you thought about changing it?” I ask as I glance over at her, giving her hand a little squeeze.
“I just don’t know what I would do. I don’t want anything bigger than it is now,” she explains.
“Did Roxy’s boyfriend do it?”
“Jared? Yeah.”
“When we get home, why don’t we talk to him, see what he can do?”
“I guess,” she says, unconvinced.
“I just think if it looked different, or you could add something to it that was meaningful to you, that you could associate it with something new, instead of what you’re doing now. Give it new meaning.”
“We can go talk to him,” is her only response, and I don’t say anything else about it because I know it’s a difficult thing to talk about.
When we arrive back in Seattle, I take Candace to her house to spend a little time with her before I have to run to the bar to take care of some work.
Setting her bags down on the bed, Candace quietly says, “I don’t want you to go to work.”
I hate that she’s feeling like this today, and that she doesn’t want to be alone, but I tell her, “Baby, I have to. It’s Saturday night, and I’ve been gone all week.”
She leans into me, sliding her arms around my waist. She’s needy, and I don’t want her to be alone either, so I offer, “Come with me.”
“What?”
“You don’t even have to be around everyone. Stay with me in my office.”
I’m not expecting her answer when she says, “Okay.”
“Really?” I question, stunned that she would agree so easily, especially for a Saturday night.
“Just park in the front, okay?”
I was relieved to see Candace enjoying herself when she went with me to the bar. I was nervous because Saturday nights are really busy, but I had Max with her the entire time. Jase was there to hear Mark’s band play and was able to talk her into going downstairs with him while I got my work done. Once I finished up, I hung out with her for the rest of the evening. Aside from meeting Max, she also met Mel. Candace has always been a mystery to them, so to have them finally meet her was nice since they know what a big part of my life she’s become.
When Candace walks down the stairs, I ask, “You ready?”
“Yeah, I just need my coat,” she says as she walks towards me.
“I got it,” I tell her when I stand up and help her put it on.
We head out into another rain-filled night to go spend the evening at Max’s place. He invited us over when he met Candace at the bar last week. Zane is back in town for a few days, so he and Mel will be there as well.
It’s an odd transition to be coupled off and doing things like this tonight, but it’s a welcome change that seems to better suit me now.
When we pull up to Max’s place, I help Candace out of the car and then head inside and out of the cold. We walk in, and I introduce her to Zane and Traci, who is now very pregnant. We sit around and talk for a little bit until Traci takes Mel and Candace back to see the baby’s room, leaving the guys alone in the living room.
“Dude,” Zane says as he nudges me with a smirk.
“What?”
“Who’s the chick?”
“Candace?”
He laughs when he says, “Yeah, man. What’s going on?”
Last I spoke with Zane, I was still into going out a lot with Gav, so I clue him in when I tell him, “We started dating soon after you high-tailed your ass to L.A.”
“What?!” he exclaims, nearly spitting out his beer. “What the hell have I missed around here? Seriously, I come back and you’re settled down with some chick, and this guy,” he says, pointing the neck of his beer bottle towards Max, “has his girl knocked up.”
Max laughs at him and says, “That’s what happens when you ditch town and don’t check in.”
“I guess,” he says and then turns to me. “Just never thought I’d see you with a chick.” Taking a swig of his beer, he asks, “Are you guys serious?”
“Yeah, man. Pretty serious.”
Max butts in, and asks Zane, “Tell us what’s going on with you and Mel.”
“I have no idea. She refuses to come to California, but I’m not giving up this opportunity so that she can stay close to her family.”
“Stop bullshitting,” I say, calling him out. “She said you told her you didn’t want her to go with you.”
“Why would I?” he responds. “I mean, she has done nothing but bitch about all of this, so why would I want her to tag along with her piss-poor attitude?”
Our attention is distracted when we hear a burst of laughter coming from the girls in the back of the house. In this moment, I smile. I just can’t help it. Candace doesn’t have any girl friends aside from Roxy, so to hear her laughter spilling through the house is infectious, and I let out a light chuckle.
Looking back over at Zane, I tell him, “She was upset when you left.”
“When I left? What about now?” he questions. “Seems to me that she’s doing pretty well on her own here.”
“God, you’re hard to talk to,” Max interjects.
“Can we not talk about my shit?” Zane says. “What about you?” he asks as he eyes Max. “I can’t believe you’re gonna be a dad. How are you not freaking the hell out right now?”
“I did when I found out, but it’s all good now,” he states simply.
We continue to catch up for a while until the girls eventually join us again. Candace has a smile on her face when she sits next to me on the couch as she continues to talk with Traci and Mel. Max and Zane are in their own conversation while I find myself focused on Candace. She’s happy and light-hearted tonight in this new circle of people. She’s so tight with Jase and Mark, but I’d like to see her widen her group of friends. She needs it even though she doesn’t see it.
On the drive home, I look over at her and ask, “Did you have a good time?”
“Yeah, Mel’s pretty funny.”
“She definitely keeps things entertaining at work,” I say with a grin. “So what did you talk about? We kept hearing you all laughing.”
“Traci was just talking about her pregnancy. I was a little shocked with some of the things she was telling us,” she says with a dramatic shudder.
Laughing at her, I ask, “Like what?”
“Stuff I had no clue about,” she tells me in a high-pitched voice, reeling with disbelief. “She told us that she has hemorrhoids!”
“What?!”
“Yes!” she squeals.
“I don’t wanna know about that shit,” I say, disgusted.
“Well, I don’t either, but I do now, thanks to Traci!” she says as she begins to laugh, and I join right in with her. “She said that most pregnant women get them! It’s so gross!”
“Shit, are you serious?”
“Mel said it was true too.”
We both continue laughing as she fills me in on more than I ever wanted to know, and the theatrics of Candace telling me all of this and freaking out is completely entertaining when I’m not cringing at the unwanted information.
Once we have quieted down and composed ourselves, I look over as we’re stopped at a red light and ask, “Do you think that’s something you want?”
“What? A baby?” she asks.
“Yeah.”
“I don’t know,” she says softly. “I’ve always been scared to be a mom.”
“Why’s that?”
W
hen she leans her head back against the seat, she tells me, “Because I’m not sure I know what it is to be a good mom. I mean . . . how would you know if the choices you were making were the wrong ones? I wonder if my mom thought she was making the right choices with me.”
She says this and I understand her fears. I get it because they’re my fears. Scared to become what we are products of. But I know that she would have nothing to worry about because she’s the most non-judgmental person I know.
“But I don’t have to think about that for a long time,” she adds.
“Why’s that?” I ask, when I pull up to the loft and park the car.
“Because dancers don’t have babies until they are done with their professional careers. Your body changes too much, so the likelihood that the way you dance would be impacted is high. It’s just not something you toy with if you want longevity,” she explains. “What about you?”
“Me?”
“Yeah,” she says as she shifts herself to face me.
“I’ve always wanted what my cousins have, but never saw it in the cards for me,” I tell her. “But when I really think about it, it scares the shit out of me too.”
“Because of your dad?”
I nod my head and when she smiles up at me, she says, “I don’t think you have anything to worry about.”
I lean over and kiss her before giving her sentiment right back. “I don’t think you do either. You’re amazing at everything you do.”
Making our way inside, she turns to me and asks, “You wanna camp out and watch a movie?”
“Anything you want.” I tell her as we head upstairs to change clothes.
When we return to the living room, I get the fireplace going while Candace tosses a bunch of pillows and blankets onto the floor and flips the TV to TCM. I love sharing my black and white movies with her, and lately, I’m finding that she’s starting to get into them as well.
Lying down, pulling Candace into my arms, we relax and watch ‘Bank Holiday.’ I lazily comb my fingers through her hair, and we fall asleep before the movie ends.
Waking up in the middle of the night, Candace is sleeping along my side, and the fire is almost out. When I pick up the remote to shut the TV off, the screen reads that it’s almost two in the morning. Setting the remote down, I roll over to look down at Candace, and my shifting causes her to stir awake.
It takes a moment, but when her eyes flutter open and she focuses on me, we stay silent as we watch each other in the faint glow of the firelight. When I lean in to kiss her, she runs her hand behind my neck, pulling me down to her. I slide my tongue across her lower lip before sucking it into my mouth, and she grips my neck tighter. Her body is flush against mine, and I begin to lift her shirt so that I can feel the warmth of her on my skin. Discarding her top, I reach back and remove mine as well before bringing her back to me. The room is silent as our bodies begin to move as the haze from our sleep dissipates.
When I roll on top of her, I drag my head down the center of her body, letting my lips move along her smooth skin. Licking and sucking my way down, her hands are holding the sides of my head, and when I hit her pants, she lifts her hips, allowing me to pull them off, keeping her lace panties in place.
Taking her leg in my hand, I kiss my way back up, giving her soft sucks behind her knee before I lower myself down on her. I want to feel every part of her, but she has always been so skittish with some of my touches. Needing the closeness in the moment, I break our silence and whisper, “I want to touch you.”
I see the reluctance when she looks at me, and I reach my hand back to hold her knee as I say, “Let me touch you.”
I catch her faint nod and take my time as I let my hand fall along the inside of her thigh, but as soon as I reach the edge of her panties, she clamps my wrist with her hand and jerks her hips away from me. I want to show her that it isn’t disgusting and that she doesn’t have to be scared of my touch, so I move my hand back to her knee as I rest my body on top of her. With my forehead against hers, I take her lips with mine. Her hand rests on my cheek while she keeps her other locked around my wrist, not letting go. I stay close to her when I move my hand back down her leg, and this time, she doesn’t startle.
Her breathing is shaky when I touch her and cup her in my hand, holding still as her legs are clutched to my sides. My lips continue to move with hers as I take in the warmth of her before I gently run my hand up the edge of her panties then tuck my fingers under the lace of the fabric and run them back down.
She lets out a whimper as I feel her smooth skin under my fingers.
“Just relax, baby,” I breathe as I drop my head to her shoulder.
Keeping my wrist clutched in her hold, I bring my hand to the top of her underwear and then slip it under the fabric, moving the back of my fingers down the seam of her. I know this is hard for her, but I also know that no one has ever touched her like this, without hate and force, so I keep my touches soft as she gives me this. After a little time, her body begins to respond to me, and I feel her relax as she grows hot in my hand. Her forehead becomes damp when I sink my fingers inside of her, breaths heady, and bodies on fire as we move in this new way together.
We spend a good amount of time like this before we make love in the darkness of the room. The only noises are the ones that are products of the pleasure we give each other and eventually the moans that come from us losing ourselves completely to the other.
“You okay?” I ask while I drive us to the tattoo parlor. She’s fidgety and a bit vacant. Placing my hand over hers, I question, “Were you this nervous when you did this the last time?”
“No . . . well, kinda. I dunno. It was different then.”
“You don’t have to do this today. We can always call Jared and reschedule.”
She shakes her head and then looks over at me. “No, it’s fine. I’m sure I’d be just as nervous if it were any other day. Let’s just get it done.”
I hold her clammy hand for the rest of the short drive. When we arrive and walk in, Jared is the only one here. He came in early so that it would only be the three of us.
“You look like you’re about to puke,” he teases her and laughs. “You’ve been through this before. No big deal, right?”
“Right,” she responds with a nervous smile as we follow him back through the shop and into his booth.
Candace takes a seat on top of the black table, and I stand next to her, still holding her hand.
“So, what are you thinking about doing?” he asks her.
“Umm . . .”
Jared squeezes her knee, and soothes, “Relax.”
She looks over at me, and then looks back, telling him, “Can we just fill it in?”
“That’s it? Damn, girl, by the way you’re acting I thought you were gonna tell me to wrap a skull around it or some shit,” he jokes, and it’s just what she needs as she laughs with him.
Jared gets everything set up, and when he slips on his black latex gloves, he instructs her to lie back and shift her pants down.
“So, no more empty heart,” he mumbles as he slips the paper cloth under the edge of her pants, and she laces her fingers with mine as I stand over her.
“No more empty heart,” she repeats as she looks up at me.
We talked about what she was going to do with the tattoo the other day when she told me that she wanted to keep it small. She said that she wanted to simply fill it in, and I was worried that it wouldn’t be enough of a change for her. But she assured me that it would be, and I know it holds a new significance for her. I’m glad she sees her heart in this way now—full—no longer empty.
Once the gun starts buzzing, Candace squeezes her eyes shut, and it takes less than a minute for him to be done. Jared and I both laugh when she opens them back up.
“You guys are evil,” she tells us as she sits up after Jared applies a small bandage over the area.
“Let me know when you’re ready for that skull,” he says with smirk.
Candace hops off the table and says with joking aside, “Thank you.”
He smiles at her, saying, “Anytime,” followed by a wink. “This one’s on the house, so I expect a few hook-ups with those scones.”
Returning his smile, she tells him, “Of course. See you later.”
“Later, guys.”
Walking outside, the mist still fills the air. When I open the door and help her up into her seat, I ask, “Happy?”
“Happy,” she confirms with a kiss to my lips.
I hope now every time she sees that tattoo, she is no longer taken back to that night.
Three weeks have passed and Candace has been tied up at the studio almost daily, preparing for the production in May. She has the lead in all of the ensembles she’s dancing in, plus a duet and her solo.
She’s yet to mention what might happen after she graduates. It’s nearing the end of April, so we only have a couple months until she’s finished with school here. I know she doesn’t know where she’ll be, but offers should start coming in after her performance next month.
I don’t want to stress her out with everything she has on her plate right now, so I haven’t broached the topic, but I know it’s on her mind. It has to be. I know she loves me, but I wonder what she’s thinking and what she wants, because I’m so clear with what I want.
Max has really stepped up and gotten the bar under control since I brought him on as manager. I’m confident with leaving him in charge if I have to move. It’s the best situation for the time being, but she has no idea that’s the reason why I promoted him.
Tonight, Max has arranged for one of the bands Gavin represents to put on a concert at the bar, and Candace agreed to come along. We met up this morning for a quick run, but then I had to spend the day up at work. I left a little while ago to go pick her up since she left her car at my place last night.
When I get to her house and walk into her room, my stomach drops. There are a few cardboard boxes packed up with her belongings. I wanna ask her. I wanna know where we stand in the mix of everything that is about to happen, but that’s gonna be a long conversation that we don’t have time for right now.
