They had to have hired several drivers to bring them here. Even by car, Indianapolis was an hour away. She closed her eyes and prayed too, asking for forgiveness for all the bitterness she’d carried, for her unforgiving spirit. And she especially prayed for Matt. When she opened her eyes, only she and Matt remained in the room. The Amish had left as quietly as they’d come.
She squeezed his hand. “Open your eyes, Matt.” His lashes didn’t move. The machines continued to hum and beep around her. She laid her head on the bed beside his hand. She was going to lose him, and she deserved that kind of loss. But Caitlin deserved more. What could she offer God in exchange for Matt’s life? She would give her own happiness for his. Didn’t God always demand a sacrifice? What better sacrifice than giving up her daughter?
Raising her head, she stared at Matt’s face. No change. Stepping into the hall, she pulled out her cell phone and called Angie, who tried to argue with her, then finally agreed to do what she wanted.
“HANNAH, DON’T GO through with it.” Angie paced the hall outside the hospital room.
“I have to.” Hannah scribbled her name on the paper and handed it to Gina, who stood watching them.
“He wouldn’t want you to do this,” Gina said. She put the paper in her purse. “I don’t understand.”
Gina looked drawn and exhausted. In addition to Matt’s tenuous grip on life, her husband and Vanessa had been arrested for theft. The woman’s pregnancy was a lie as well.
Hannah squeezed Gina’s hand. “He loves his daughter. She’s his more than mine. I—I’d like to say good-bye, though.”
“She’s in the waiting room with Irene.”
“I want to explain it to Matt. I’ll be there in a few minutes.” Hannah left them and went back to the room, where he still lay unresponsive. After three days, the doctors held out little hope. His skin had begun to take on a yellowish cast. She couldn’t delay much longer.
She took his hand and brought it to her lips. “I love you, Matt. You’ve taught me so much about honor and unconditional love. I’ve signed Caitlin over to you. She’s yours free and clear.” Her voice broke, and she leaned closer to take one last whiff of his male scent, to brush her lips across his. “I’ve made a deal with God. We Amish believe in putting other people first. Sometimes I’ve forgotten that. But this time, I’m going to do it right. I’m putting you and Caitlin first. I believe if I make this sacrifice, he’ll let you live. I’m going to leave here, and you’ll never find me. Don’t try, my love. Something terrible might happen if you make me break my promise to God. I know you’ll give our daughter a good life. A happy life.”
Her vision blurred, and she found it hard to keep going when all she wanted to do was bury her face in his neck and never leave. She wet her lips. “Good-bye, Matt. You deserve the best of what life has to offer. Be happy. I’ll always love you.” She pressed another kiss against his skin and turned to go before she could change her mind.
She thought she heard something, so she stopped and looked back, but he looked just the same. Pale, motionless. Dying unless she did something. Squaring her shoulders, she went out of the room and down the hall to the waiting room, where she stood for a moment and watched her daughter color. Caitlin sat at a child-sized red table and chair set.
Was there ever such a beautiful child? Hannah thought not. So sweet and unassuming too. Matt had done a wonderful job with her. She tore her gaze from her daughter and went to sit beside Irene and Gina. “I’ll call in a couple of days and see how he is, if you don’t mind.”
“Of course,” Gina said.
Hannah glanced at Irene. “Did you know about your mother?”
Irene sighed and rubbed her head. “I suspected. Her bitterness grew after I had Reece and ended up in a sanitarium for two years. Then when David killed himself, she fell apart. It got harder and harder to be around her. I’d go over there and all she’d talk about was how terrible all the Amish were and how the Schwartzes would get what they deserved someday. When their barn burned back in the late seventies, I suspected she had something to do with it. Then ten years ago when she heard Patricia was pregnant again, all her anger came spewing out. We had an argument, and we never spoke again.” She looked up. “Bitterness is a terrible thing. It eats a person alive.” She chewed on her lip. “The darkness comes sometimes and even I can’t fight it.” She plucked something off her blouse.
“It was nice getting to know you, Irene.” She hugged the older woman, then held out her hand to Gina. “Thank you for taking care of my little girl. I’ll call and check on her from time to time, if you don’t mind. Maybe you could e-mail me a picture once in a while.”
“I’ll do that.” Gina embraced her. “I wish we’d had time to get to know one another better.”
“Me too.” Blinking back the tears, Hannah put a smile on her face and stepped closer to her little girl. “Hey, Caitlin. Is that picture for Daddy?”
The little girl nodded without looking up. “He loves princesses. I’m his number one princess.”
“Of course you are. You’re the most important thing in his life.” Hannah touched her daughter’s unruly hair, then knelt. “I have to go away. Do you think I could have a hug?” Caitlin put down the crayon and came willingly into Hannah’s arms. “Are you coming back?”
“No, honey, I’m not. I have to leave you here with your aunt Gina. She’ll take good care of you until your daddy is well. And he’ll be well very soon.”
“I thought you were my new mommy. Your hair is fairy hair like mine.” Caitlin’s small fingers caressed Hannah’s thick locks. Over Caitlin’s shoulders, Hannah could see Gina, Irene, and Angie weeping. It took every ounce of strength Hannah possessed to give her daughter one last fierce hug, then turn her loose. “I love you just as much as any mommy could love a little girl. I’ll pray for you every day. You take care of your daddy, okay?”
Caitlin nodded. “I always take care of him. We bake cookies. Chocolate chip are his favorite.” She went to her backpack and rummaged through it. Lifting out her doll, she carried the battered toy back to where Hannah stood. “Will you take Jenny? I’ll be busy taking care of Daddy, and she’ll need a new mommy.”
Tears flooded Hannah’s eyes. “I’d be honored to take care of her for you. Are you sure, sweetheart?”
Caitlin nodded. “Don’t let her forget me.”
“I won’t.” Hannah couldn’t take much more. “You’d better finish your picture. Daddy will be awake soon and you’ll want to give it to him.”
“Okay.” Caitlin sat back down at the little table and bent her head.
Breathe. In and out. Hannah hugged Irene and Gina, then followed Angie out to the car.
“You didn’t have to do this,” Angie said, her tone fierce.
But Hannah knew better. “Let’s get out of here,” she said. “I need to go home and pack my stuff. Get my cats.”
“But where are you going?”
“I’m not sure.” Just away from the pain.
“You’ll keep in touch with me, won’t you? I’ll be working on publicity for the new book. The editor is really happy with it.”
“You have to promise not to give in to Matt’s questions when he comes looking for me.” Hannah knew Matt. He’d look for her and keep looking even though the letter she’d left explained everything and told him not to. Even though she’d warned him.
“I’ll keep my mouth shut.”
Though Angie sounded sulky, Hannah believed her. “Let’s go.”
They collected her cats and her belongings and headed to Milwaukee. Hannah had a plan, nebulous though it was. At least the challenge would give her something to think about instead of all she’d left behind. It would take hard work, but that’s what she needed now—something that left her too exhausted at night to remember a set of blue eyes that told her she was special.
TWENTY - EIGHT
“The Double Wedding Ring Quilt has been loved by all generations. Amish weddings are most often held on Tuesday
or Thursday. A surefire way to tell if a daughter is getting married is to check out the garden. An overabundance of celery signals upcoming nuptials.”
—HANNAH SCHWARTZ,
IN The Amish Faith Through Their Quilts
Six months, six days, three hours since she’d left him. Matt leaned away from his computer at the sheriff’s department and rubbed his eyes. Every spare moment when he wasn’t working, he searched for Hannah, but she’d vanished without a ripple. How could she have disappeared so completely? She hadn’t appeared on any TV shows or been featured in any magazines. Her publisher wouldn’t divulge her address. Even with his contacts, he’d been stymied.
Angie knew where she’d gone, but she wouldn’t tell him. Meanwhile, her daughter was growing up without her mother. And he longed to see Hannah’s face. Grabbing his winter coat, he stepped out into a driving snowstorm. The weatherman was talking about the worst blizzard in Indiana since 1978, and the storm had already dropped six inches of snow, with another eight to ten inches forecast.
It was a good night for staying in and eating popcorn with Caitlin, but he wanted to drive to Milwaukee and force Angie to divulge Hannah’s whereabouts. He managed to uncover his car and drove slowly through the clogged streets to his house. The snow in his shoes melted, freezing his feet by the time he got home. He let himself into the house and heard Gina’s voice on the phone.
“Oh, Hannah, it’s so good to hear from you,” she said. “Caitlin is doing well. She started kindergarten, and she’s reading already.” She fell silent while she listened. “I’ll e-mail you the picture from school. She’s probably grown two inches since you’ve seen her.”
Gina had kept this from Matt. He’d had no idea she was still in contact with Hannah. He stayed where he was, listening quietly for any clue, but nothing Gina said gave away any possible location.
When she hung up the phone and turned around, she stopped and put her hand to her throat. “Matt, you scared me.”
“Have you been in touch with her ever since she left?” He stepped closer, and she backed away.
“Look, she didn’t want you to know, okay?”
“Where is she, Gina? I have to find her.” He grabbed the phone from her and checked the caller ID, but the call had come in as unknown.
“She doesn’t want to be found. And maybe she’s right. The doctors said you were a goner. They were shocked when you made the turnaround the day she left.”
“God doesn’t make deals.” He turned and headed back to the office. “Show me her e-mails.”
“Matt, don’t do this. Marriage isn’t all it’s cracked up to be anyway.”
He stopped and grabbed her shoulders. “Don’t let your views about marriage keep me from being happy. I’m not Blake. I love Hannah, and I’m going to find her. Caitlin needs her too.”
Her cheeks paled. “Do you blame me for being bitter? He was a thief as well as an adulterer.”
“You have your health. Me, your friends. You’ve still got good things in your life if you’ll just accept them. Don’t you want me to be happy, Gina? Are you afraid I won’t need you if I’m married, that I’ll toss you out of the house or something?”
The color came rushing back. “That’s a mean thing to say.”
“Then help me find her.” He released her and stomped off to sit in front of the computer.
Gina followed more slowly. “I’ve saved her e-mails.” She went to the Gmail sign-in screen and showed him the messages. “I’m going to go check on supper.”
He began to read through them. Hannah’s e-mails were so much like her: caring and thoughtful. She often asked how Gina was dealing with her divorce and advised her about taking care of herself. Her concern showed through every message. He ached to see her, to touch her hair. How could she have left him like that? Didn’t she realize how much he needed her— how Caitlin needed her?
He opened the next message and began to read. She mentioned a festival going on called Swiss Days. He checked the date and opened another Google screen. Bingo. It was held in Berne, Indiana, last July. He called up MapQuest and checked the distance—185 miles. A little over three hours in good weather. It was six o’clock. Surely he could be there by midnight, even with the storm. The highway crews would be out plowing the roads, and besides, he could take his four-wheel-drive with the blade on the front.
He checked stats about Berne. The population was only a little over four thousand. All he’d have to do is show her picture around town. Small towns could be protective of their own, but he wasn’t above flashing his badge if necessary. He went down the hall to his bedroom and packed his bag, then carried it to the hall.
Ajax whined from his spot on the rug when he saw the suitcase. The dog stood and stretched and padded over to nuzzle Matt’s hand.
Gina’s gaze went to the suitcase in his hand as well. “Where are you going?”
“Berne. That’s where she is. I’m going to camp out at the McDonald’s. She loves their coffee. I’ll find her.”
“You’ll be driving all night. Why not head up tomorrow morning?”
“We may be snowed in by morning.”
“You may get stuck out on the road tonight.”
“The worst of it isn’t supposed to hit until after midnight. I want to go now. I’ve wasted enough time without her.”
Caitlin came from the kitchen. “Are you going somewhere, Daddy? Can I go?” She ran to hang on to his leg.
Matt started to stay no, then caught himself. Why not? He could use all the ammunition he could get. Even if Hannah refused to marry him, their daughter needed to have a relationship with her. Now that he knew where she was, he could make sure Caitlin understood how much Hannah loved them both.
“Go pack your things,” he told her. “Take enough for a week.”
“Where are we going?”
“To bring your new mommy home.”
Caitlin’s eyes widened. “Yes!” She ran back to her room.
“Are you sure you know what you’re doing?” Gina asked.
“I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.”
“I’d better go help her, then.”
Matt glanced at his watch. In only hours, he’d look into Hannah’s beautiful eyes again.
THE SNOW CAME nearly to Hannah’s knees. The cold wetness soaking her legs nearly took her breath away on the north wind. Carefully tucking the locket that held a picture of Matt and Caitlin inside her parka, she zipped it clear up to her neck and put on her gloves. She opened the trunk and removed the shovel, then made a path to the door of her office. Though it wasn’t likely anyone would come out in the weather until the plows came through, she wanted to be ready if she was needed. The battered women’s shelter needed to be welcoming no matter what was going on elsewhere. She’d only made it to work because her apartment was over the office.
It took nearly an hour to uncover the walk to the office. She backtracked to the car to put the shovel away. Standing at the trunk of her car, she watched a big four-wheel-drive truck with a blade on the front approach. The driver was probably going to bury her car with the drifts he was plowing. A large drift barred his way. He backed up, then came at it twice before parting it. Snow blew over the hood of the vehicle.
She stepped off the road and onto the walk. She thought she heard someone call, “Hannah!” but she had to be wrong. People here thought her name was Sonya Fearnow. The wind picked up, and she stuck her hands in her pockets and hurried toward her office door. The shout came again, and this time there was no mistaking the word.
She turned to see the big truck pulling to a stop in the middle of the snow-clogged main street. A man leaped out, then lifted a little girl in his arms. A dog leaped from the truck and began to bark. The man stumbled through the snow toward the walk. Hannah drank in the sight of Matt in his heavy coat and Caitlin in her pink parka and boots. She’d hungered to see them both, to hear their voices.
They reached the sidewalk. Matt’s gaze never wavered from he
r face. He put Caitlin on the sidewalk, and she broke into a run. “Mommy!” she shouted. Ajax barked and raced up the walk with her.
Hannah crumpled to her knees at the word. She opened her arms, and Caitlin hurtled into them. Ajax licked her face and nuzzled in her hair. Hannah hugged Caitlin tight to her chest and slung an arm around the dog. The sweet aroma of baby shampoo still clung to Caitlin’s auburn hair. Tears rushed to Hannah’s eyes.
She looked into her daughter’s face. “Caitlin, what are you doing here?”
Caitlin pulled away. “We comed to take you home with us. You have to pack now.” She said the words matter-of-factly, as if Hannah had no say in the matter.
Matt reached her. Hannah released Ajax and rose with Caitlin in her arms. “How did you find me?”
“I overheard you talking to Gina yesterday. I made her show me your e-mails and I figured it out.”
She fell into the bottomless love in his eyes. Drowning, she fought her way to sanity. “You shouldn’t have come.”
“You shouldn’t have left.” He held out his arms for Caitlin. “She’s heavy. Let’s go inside.”
Hannah handed her daughter over with reluctance. Only then did she become aware of the subzero wind howling around her neck. Lost in his gaze, she’d felt only heat. “It’s warm inside.”
“I’m not cold, but Caitlin might be.” Carrying his daughter, he followed her inside with Ajax at his heels.
The austere surroundings brightened in the presence of the ones she loved. “Have a seat,” she said, pointing out the sofa and chairs.
He dropped Caitlin onto the sofa. “What is this place?”
“A shelter for abused women and children.” Hannah watched Caitlin’s gaze land on the toy box. The little girl glanced up at her, and she nodded. “Go ahead. You can play with them.”
Where Shadows Meet Page 31
