by Brill Harper
“Are you okay? I was a little rough.”
I lick his shoulder because I can. “Why can’t I have met you in Los Angeles, cowboy? I’m only going to be here for a few days, and I’m already going to miss you.”
Oh God. Do I sound needy? Like I’m reading too much into this fling? I should have kept my mouth shut.
He freezes, his whole body going rigid. He rolls over and off me quickly. “Shit. Tell me you’re on the pill, darlin’. I just rode you bareback.”
Oh no. The blood drains from my face, and if I weren’t lying down, my knees would have given out. “I’m sorry,” I stammer. “No. I should have...”
“It’s not your fault.” But he looks mad. Tense. A quick and unwelcome change from the savage man who’d just plundered me. “I’m going to go rinse off. We should head back.”
He’s gone before I can even respond. I feel dirty somehow. And stupid. What was I thinking? Why wasn’t I thinking? He doesn’t seem like the type to sleep with a million women, but I hardly know him. I didn’t protect myself. I know better than that.
Not to mention the risk I just took with pregnancy.
My hand immediately covers my stomach. That’s exactly what I need. A baby, right? I can barely take care of myself in the city, much less a child.
What seemed so fun and freeing a few minutes ago now feels sordid and irresponsible. I’m suddenly very aware of my nakedness in a way I wasn’t while a man was inside me. In a way that makes me feel shameful. Is that why he bolted so fast to the river? Because I’m something he wants to wash off? A mistake he needs to hide the evidence of?
I don’t love this feeling as I yank my T-shirt back on. It’s starting to occur to me that I’m not the only one to blame here. I didn’t cart myself out of the river and on to this blanket. I didn’t tell him I was going to fuck him until he couldn’t get turned on again without thinking of me. I didn’t come inside him and then ask him if he’d remembered to make sure he wouldn’t get pregnant. He has more experience at these things than I do, and he knows it. We’re in this mess together.
But that’s not how life works. If there’s a mess, it will be up to me to take care of it. It will be me taking care of it for eighteen years while Dusty goes on seducing women in rivers and impregnating them at will.
Damn it. I stuff my legs into my shorts. I really want to clean up in the river, too, but I’ll be damned if I go down there now. Not while he’s washing the scent of me off his body and blaming me for being stupid enough to get seduced by a big, dumb cowboy. If he thinks—
“I’m sorry, Ruby. I shouldn’t have stormed off like that.”
I nearly jump out of my skin. “Dusty, I...I didn’t hear you come back.”
“Well, then I’m sorry for startling you too.”
I look away while he gets dressed.
An angry ball of tears is working its way up my throat, and I do my best to swallow it back down.
“Look, I’m sorry that I didn’t protect you,” he says. “I let my passion control me instead of my head, and I put us in a precarious situation.”
Air shudders through my lungs, and my lip trembles. Damn it. I do not want to cry.
“I won’t make that mistake again, okay. Please don’t be upset with me.”
Mistake. That’s what this is. Was. I have a feeling there isn’t an “is” anymore.
“I’d like to head back to the ranch. I need a shower before dinner.”
And it be will a cold day in hell before I let him see me cry.
Dusty
THE RIDE BACK TO THE ranch was awful quiet. She was probably kicking herself for getting involved with a big, dumb ox. I know I hurt her feelings. I know I’d like to make it up to her, but it’s probably best that we just let it lie now. When I’m thinking clearly, I’ll approach her about the possible pregnancy. Until then, I need to stay far, far away from the enticing Ms. Ruby Grant.
We don’t belong together. She’s a city girl and I’m a cowboy. We’re nothing alike, and pretending we belong together is a huge mistake, no matter how good the sex is. And damn, is it good.
At supper, she joins us at the table fresh as a daisy in a pretty summer dress. I allow myself one good look before I try to keep my eyes on my plate. She’s so pretty it makes my heart ache.
The sound of eating and conversation around me stops, and I panic that maybe I said that out loud. Everyone is staring at me. “What?” I ask around a forkful of potatoes.
Aunt Charlotte bats my arm. “Don’t talk with your mouth full. I raised you better than that.”
I swallow. “Why is everyone looking at me?”
My ranch hand and good friend Carter shakes his head the same as he did when were kids and I made a fool of myself for Lisa Langston at the eighth-grade dance. “The lady asked you a question.” He tilts his head toward the only lady at our table I’m not related to.
“I’m sorry, Ruby. I didn’t hear you.”
She blinks at me a few times. “I asked what you majored in at college.”
“Business.”
The crew looks around awkwardly as she asks me a few more small talk questions, and I answer with one-word answers and desperately try to avoid her gaze. I’m polite but not overly friendly, and it hasn’t escaped anyone’s notice that something is not quite right.
“Did you two enjoy your ride today?” my aunt asks.
I choke on my water and Carter pounds on my back. Hard. Harder than necessary, I reckon. He’s no dummy. He knows something is up, and he’s gonna give me hell about it later.
“It was my first time, but I think I got the hang of it,” Ruby answers.
I dare a glance at her and find that her expression isn’t angry. She meant that as a private joke between us. Now would be my chance to flirt back harmlessly. But there is nothing harmless about flirting with Ruby. Not anymore. So I look back at my plate and eat my dinner like it’s my second job.
“I’d like to go over some plans with you after supper, Dusty,” Carter says in a tone that means he’s probably also going to kick my ass. And don’t I just deserve that?
“Sure thing, Hoss.”
We help clear the table and clean the kitchen and then Carter and I head out to the barn.
“What’s going on with you and Ruby, asshole?”
Should I tell him the truth? Do I know the truth?
“Nothing. She’s a guest.”
“Bullshit.”
“You kiss your mother with that mouth?”
“I do. And I’m gonna kick your ass with this foot. What the hell, man? You’re building your empire here. You don’t have time to chase pussy and you sure as hell don’t have time to ruin your reputation by fucking your customers.”
I clench my fist, but don’t hit him. I know when I’m being baited. I don’t need to defend Ruby’s honor because he only said it to make me defend her honor.
“It was just a one-time thing. It’s over now.”
Carter pulls out a few sugar cubes he’d pilfered from the kitchen for Gemini. “Did you bother telling that to Ruby?”
“Ruby is a big girl and she knows what is and what isn’t.”
“Asshole, you best just talk to me before we start sounding like a couple of chicks with me begging you to share your feelings. Just spill.”
I lean against a post and thunk my head against it. “I like her. A lot.” The jerk doesn’t say anything, so I have to keep talking. “She’s funny and smart and beautiful. Sexy as fuck.”
“So what is the problem?”
“She lives in Los Angeles and I live here. She doesn’t know anything about ranch life and I sure as hell ain’t moving to a big city. She wants to be an actress. There’s not a big call for them out here. It’s like Farrah all over again.”
And there it is. The thing I’ve been avoiding thinking about. It’s out there now.
“Ruby is nothing like Farrah.”
Farrah and Carter never got along. None of my friends or family liked her, for th
at matter. “This isn’t the time to discuss it.”
“You know what? Maybe it is. Farrah was a manipulator and user. She didn’t love anyone but herself and she almost ruined you.”
I blow out a long breath. “She just wanted different things.”
“Yeah. Like coke and diamonds and parties. Is Ruby into any of those things?”
No. “How do I know? We only just met.”
“Fine. If you don’t want her, I’d like to ask her out.”
My blood pressure rises, but I keep my cool. He’s still baiting me. He’s been dating Marissa from the pub for months now. “Suit yourself.”
“Really. Who knows? Maybe she doesn’t even like her city life. Maybe she’d love a chance to settle down here and raise a little family with me. Or one of the other guys. And if not, hopefully I can get a fuck out of it before she goes, right?”
I’ve got him across the barn against a wall with my arm pressing against his throat before I know what I’m doing. “Shut up, Carter.” I let up on his throat. “Don’t push me about this.”
“How do you know she doesn’t belong here if you don’t ask?
“Farrah hated—”
“She’s not like Farrah. Even I know that, and I’ve talked to her just a couple times. Farrah never wanted to settle down in Wyoming. She was never satisfied. Even when she got out, she wasn’t satisfied. She killed herself with those drugs because she couldn’t outrun herself no matter where she went. And she tried to take you down with her.”
I let go of Carter and stroll over to Gemini. “I was careless today. Forgot protection.”
“Jesus Christ, you really are a dumb fuck, ain’t ya?” But he doesn’t push it. Nobody talks much about the fact that Farrah was pregnant with my baby when she died from a heroin overdose. She’d called me that morning. Told me she was pregnant and scared, and I drove to the city to rescue her. Bring her back. Only she was dead when I got there.
“Ruby’s not Farrah.”
“I don’t want to hurt her by pretending we could have a future together.”
She wanted a fling. I gave her one. But that’s all of myself that I have to give.
Chapter Seven
Ruby
Waking up this morning was so different from yesterday morning. I’m still sore, but it doesn’t feel delicious.
I’d hoped he would come to my room last night, after all was said and done. And maybe we could talk. Or maybe even more. But at least we could salvage something. But I’ve spent the morning trying to track him down and he clearly doesn’t want to be found. It seems I’m always a step behind.
I know lots of men ghost on women, but I didn’t think he was the type. And it’s his ranch. His house. Is he really planning on just avoiding me until I leave?
Part of me wants to talk to him now and give him a piece of my mind for being so immature. Surely, the big tough cowboy can’t be afraid of a little girl, can he? The big lug.
But I don’t want to be too desperate.
I don’t know what to do, so I find myself dialing my roommate Katie. She’s got a lot of experience with men. Wait. That sounds bad. She has more experience than I do with men.
Oh, who am I kidding?
She burns through men like a California wildfire in August.
Miracle of miracles, I get a signal.
“I’ve been trying to call you,” she says.
“Reception is spotty here. Let me tell you a little story...” I fill her in, with broad strokes. I’m not comfortable sharing anything too intimate with her. Maybe someday, when it’s not so fresh and raw.
I definitely don’t tell her about the sex with no condom.
“I really like him, Katie. I thought we could be friends. You know. With benefits. He’s so nice and you can tell a lot about a guy by the way he treats animals. He’s just got this gentle, yet totally alpha, energy going on. Like you know he’s the safest person to be near in an emergency.”
“But how does he fuck?”
Like a god. “I have no complaints.”
“Well, if he’s as good looking as you say he is...”
“He totally is. I’d take him over Model Mark in 2A any day.” I’ve had a small crush on Model Mark for almost a year. The only thing he’s ever said to me was, “You dropped your light bill,” at the mailbox, but I lived on that for a week or two.
“Then he just wanted to get his dick wet, Ruby. You said yourself you’re the only woman under fifty and unrelated to him for miles around.”
“I’m fine with a fling. Really. But the way he was yesterday, I guess I just thought we were more like...a vacation fling than a one-night stand kind of fling.”
“Look, you know I like you a lot. But guys are different. They don’t care about your good personality. They want hot chicks. And if none are available, they make do.”
Make do.
Ouch.
That doesn’t really feel like Dusty, but then neither did his disappearing act. I guess I don’t know him well enough to judge.
“What are you even doing there, Ruby? You should have come home and gone back to work instead of running around having sex with hot cowboys.”
I lean back on the tower of pillows. I will so miss this bed when I get home. My futon is crappy. Well, Katie’s futon. I swapped beds with her because she was having back problems last year. I thought it was just temporary until her back healed, but I haven’t asked to trade back and she hasn’t offered.
“I needed a break.”
“Well, we need to pay the rent.”
I sit up. “The rent?”
“Landlord says he’ll evict us in three days if we don’t catch up.”
“I left my half on the counter before I left. Why didn’t it get paid?”
“I’m short this month.”
Every month. “Can you borrow some?”
“You know I can’t. I tried to pick up more hours, but they just weren’t available.”
Sure, she did. Katie probably didn’t even work all the shifts she was scheduled for. “What do you want me to do? I’m in Wyoming. I paid my share.”
“God, you’re so selfish. Just enjoy your little vacation and don’t worry about getting evicted. Just leave me here to deal with it.”
I bite back my ingrained response to apologize. This isn’t my problem. I paid my share. I usually pay more than my share, and she always makes me feel like I’m not. It’s always like this.
“Yeah, I guess I will. It’s time for my mani-pedi and facial. Ta-ta.” I hang up and throw myself back onto the pillows. No. If I stay here, I’ll start crying or worse, I’ll call her back and apologize and figure out how to wire money to her. I slip on my tennis shoes and leave my phone behind.
Dusty
FOR THE FIRST TIME since I bought the ranch at auction, I’m not excited about my chores. Usually, I get a sense of pride, and I enjoy working with the animals, breaking a sweat, and knowing I’m doing the work that I’m meant to do. But today, everything is a drudge.
Pretty much everyone with half a brain has turned the other way when they see me coming. That’s new too. My crew and I are more like family than boss and employees, but I guess I look like the devil and I feel like him too.
I round the corner of an outbuilding and almost turn the other way. Maybe she didn’t see me. I don’t think she does, she hasn’t lifted her head. She’s sitting on the ground, her knees up to her chest.
Shit. She’s crying. Her tears gut me. I can’t stand it. I’d do anything to make sure she never cries again.
“Ruby?”
She looks up and her eyes are rimmed in red. When the recognition that it’s me passes over her features, her eyes go dark. “Go away. Please go away.”
“Ruby, angel. What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”
She scrambles up, brushing twigs and dirt off herself. “I really can’t do this right now. Please, if you have a shred of decency you’ll just turn around and let me retreat in peace. I’ll go up to my room. You won
’t even have to see me. You don’t have to skulk around your property trying to avoid me.”
“Ruby...” I don’t know what to say. What to do. She asked me to leave, but is that what she wants? I don’t want to leave her alone, but I’m probably not the best one to offer her comfort. Then it hits me that maybe I’m the reason for her tears.
Fuck. Me.
I stand there too long, not saying anything. Not taking any action. Just feeling my heart crack into a million pieces at the thought that I could hurt her when all I want to do is protect her. But I guess I stand there too long.
She turns and walks the other way.
“Ruby, please. Wait.” I catch up to her. “Please tell me what is wrong.”
“Why do you even care?”
“You think I don’t care?”
“I think you’ve been running scared from me since you realized that there might be consequences to being my first lover. But don’t worry about it. I’ll handle whatever comes my way without you.”
“Ruby.”
“I get it, okay? You think I’m clingy or whatever because it was my first time. That if you’re too nice to me, I might have expectations. That if I get pregnant, I’ll try to trap you or whatever. But I was prepared to have an affair. I might have wanted your companionship, sure. But I’m not angling for a relationship. And I certainly don’t want to be pregnant, much less force you into anything.”
“Then why are you crying?”
She narrows her eyes even as she wipes the tears from them. “You think these tears are for you? Trust me, I don’t want to have anything more to do with you than you want from me. I’m not wailing with sadness over losing what I never even had.” She’s vibrating with anger. “Deep down, I think you’re probably a nice guy. Or you want to be. But you’re not interested in anything more than any other man I’ve met since I left home. Which is a shame because I think we could have been friends.”
I feel about two inches tall. “I do want to be friends.”
I want more than that. I want to be her goddamn hero. The guy she turns to, to slay whatever dragons are making her cry. I want to be the one she seeks out when she’s happy and when she’s sad. I want...just more. But I was too scared of my own feelings to realize it and now that I see it, it’s too late. I’m more of a zero than hero. I disappointed her, and I’ll have to live with that every day.
