She loved him.
Oh goodness, she loved him more than she loved herself. More than she’d ever loved anything or anyone.
But this…
His gaze moved to meet hers once more and all she could see was his righteous anger on her behalf. In his eyes she saw resolve. Determination.
Not love.
She swallowed past a knot in her throat that threatened to choke her. Everyone in this room was staring at her. Waiting for a response.
He was offering her everything. A dream come true. The life she’d never dared to imagine for herself.
But it would be at the expense of his happiness. He would make her his wife because he was so good. So upright and moral, and so much better than she deserved.
The silence as everyone waited for her to respond grew deafening but she could not speak. She couldn’t even breathe. Her heart was hammering as her mind raced. Her hands were shaking so badly she had to clasp them in front of her as she tried once more to swallow, to breathe.
One more seemingly endless moment of silence passed before everyone seemed to start speaking at once. Well, everyone but her.
“Major, I don’t know who you think you are,” her mother started.
“Perhaps Abigail and I might have a moment alone,” the major was saying over her in that calm, determined voice. The voice of a major on a mission.
“Lily and I will just excuse ourselves,” Marigold said as she tugged on her friend’s arm, though Lily was still gawking and made no move to leave.
Their voices were drowned out by the sound of her blood roaring past her ears. Humiliation, and anger, regret and despair. The emotions were too many and myriad to name, but all that mattered was she was drowning in them.
She needed air. She needed space.
Abigail knew not how she ought to respond, but she knew that she could not stay here.
She drew in a deep, steadying breath and heard Alex say, “Please, Lady Gorem. I must insist on a moment alone with your daughter so we might discuss—”
“There is no need.” She shocked herself with her cool tone and every person in the room grew silent and wide-eyed as they turned once more to face her. She forced herself to meet the major’s gaze one last time.
She bit her lip to hold back the urge to weep at the thought that this might be the last time she looked into his eyes like this. “There is no need,” she said evenly. “There is nothing for us to discuss. I have no intention of marrying you, Major.” She hitched up her skirts, looking away like a coward before she could see his response. “Now, if you’ll excuse me…”
She was already heading toward the door and no one tried to stop her. Only silence followed her, but the moment she shut the door behind her she heard the voices start up at once.
She didn’t stick around to hear what they said. Her steps were far quicker than a proper lady’s ought to be as she made her way through the hallways, ignoring other guests as she headed toward the stairs leading to her rooms. Her eyes stung with unshed tears, her breath was coming in harsh gasps. She’d finally made it to the bottom of the staircase when Lily’s voice stopped her. “Abigail, wait.”
She wanted to ignore her old friend, but Lily always had been faster than her, and a second later the redhead was in front of her, blocking her path. “Let me pass,” she said through gritted teeth.
“No.” Lily’s chin was set in stubborn defiance but when Abigail dragged her gaze up to meet her former friend’s, she saw Lily’s lips part in shock at the unshed tears she surely saw there.
With a loud sigh, Lily took her not-so-gently by the arm. “Come with me.”
Abigail might have argued if only she wasn’t afraid that a sob would escape if she tried to speak. A moment later she found herself inside an empty music room and across from her was a frowning Lily.
Abigail groaned. She was not up for another battle with Lily. Not now. All she wanted was to cry her heart out, was that too much to ask? After all, it wasn’t every day she discovered that she was in love. And she certainly hoped being forced to reject the love of her life for his own good was a once-in-a-lifetime occasion because she knew without a doubt that she could never make such a choice again and live to tell about it.
Pain was gnawing at her insides, clawing at her chest. “What do you want?” she attempted to snap.
Lily’s brows drew together in a frown of irritation and maybe just a little concern as she eyed Abigail from head to toe. When she was done with her scrutiny, she pursed her lips and crossed her arms. “Was that the truth back there?”
Abigail blinked at the cold fury in her former friend’s tone, and the reminder of how she’d just rejected a proposal from the man she loved—oh heavens, she truly loved him—it was enough to make her swallow a sob. “I already made it clear I would not make Major Mayfield marry me in some misguided attempt to save me. What more do you want?”
Lily blinked, looking slightly puzzled before giving her head a little shake. “No. Sorry. Not that part. I meant…” She drew in a deep breath that made her chest swell and she dropped her crossed arms. “Did you mean it when you said you rejected Merrick for his brother because…” She wet her lips. “Because you knew he was meant for me?”
Abigail’s stomach plummeted. “Oh. That.”
Drat. How much had Lily overheard before they’d stormed in? Humiliation had her belly twisting in agony. How much had Alex heard? She squeezed her eyes shut. No wonder he’d come storming in to her defense. He’d no doubt heard her mother’s harsh words, and she knew for certain he’d heard her mother’s threats about choosing a husband for her.
Between that and their stolen kiss, she might as well have waved a handkerchief and shouted for a shining knight to come to her rescue. A noble man like Alex could never have resisted such a pathetic cause.
“Oh that?” Lily’s voice rose in outrage. “Is that all you have to say?”
Abigail stared at her friend. “Truly, Lily, I do not have the energy for yet another battle with you. We’ve been over all this before.”
She started to turn away, but Lily stopped her with a hand on her arm. “Oh no you don’t.”
Abigail stopped with a weary sigh.
“You did it on purpose,” Lily said, her tone filled with accusation. “You tossed over Merrick in favor of his brother, knowing full well that his brother had no real interest in marrying you.”
She shrugged, feigning nonchalance even though her heart was pounding. “What is your point?”
“What is my point?” Lily said it with such force that Abigail jerked back in the face of it. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“What difference would it have made?” Abigail said.
Lily arched her brows in clear disbelief. “Well, I wouldn't have thought you'd callously rejected Merrick for a better title, for a start. I wouldn’t have thought you’d tried to take him from me in the first place.”
Abigail just barely held back a sigh. This was precisely why she hadn’t told her. She’d known her former friend would have made too much of it. “It wasn't as though that was my only crime against you, Lily.”
Lily frowned. “Perhaps not, but you had to know that you were risking your own future, your own prospects, by rejecting a perfectly wonderful suitor like Merrick for a known rake like Simon.”
Abigail met her friend’s gaze evenly. She had far too many current heartaches to be too overwrought by her past. Any other time she might have been able to muster a smirk or a witticism that deflected this emotional scene. But right now it was all she could do to keep her focus on Lily and not on the man she’d just walked away from in the library.
She gave a frustrated shake of her head as Lily stared at her, waiting for more of a response. “I don’t know what you want me to say, Lily.”
In true Lily fashion, she fisted her hands at her sides and let out a soft growl. “I want you to tell me why you didn’t explain. Why you didn’t talk to me about this. You risked your mother’s wrath,
you no doubt disappointed your father, and you put your own selfish wants aside. For me.” Lily jabbed a finger into her own chest. “For Merrick. I want to know why you kept that a secret.”
And here it was. Abigail supposed it was only right that her past came back to haunt her today, of all days. Now, of all times. As if discovering she was in love and then experiencing her first heartbreak was not enough for one day.
Perhaps this was her punishment. Or maybe her penance.
“I treated you abominably that first season, Lily, and we both know it. Don't try to rewrite history just because one of my bad deeds wasn't quite as bad as you'd thought.”
Part of her itched to explain. To justify. To try and make her understand just how much pressure she’d been under that first season to outshine all others. How she’d stupidly thought that if she dimmed the lights on all the other girls making their debut, her own light would shine brighter.
Foolishness, of course. She’d learned her lesson since then.
But much as her pride wanted to explain, she knew very well it would sound like excuses. And the time had come to own her mistakes.
After all, that was what Alex would do.
Lily regarded her evenly. “Trust me, Abigail, I have no desire to rewrite history. But if falling in love with Merrick has taught me anything, it’s that our history isn’t all that matters, either. It doesn't have to define you.”
Abigail’s eyes widened in surprise.
“I kept secrets from Merrick, from you...from everyone because of my own pride,” she continued. “It's not exactly difficult for me to understand how you might have acted badly for the same reason.”
Abigail opened her mouth to protest that this was different, but Lily beat her to it. “I'm not saying I condone your past bad behavior. You made cutting remarks about me and my friends well after that first season. You had opportunities to change and you did not.”
Lily’s words landed like a blow, but Abigail kept her mouth shut her chin high. The truth was no more than she deserved.
“But,” Lily said with a noticeable softening in her tone, “I do believe that perhaps you're trying to change now. Or that maybe...you want to.”
Lily’s even stare held a challenge.
Abigail’s pride begged her to scoff and sniff, to laugh in Lily’s face. But the part of her that Alex saw, the part of her that wished desperately to be worthy of the way he looked at her... "I do."
Lily let out a loud exhale, her lips curving up slightly in a faint smile. “Then perhaps it's time you forgive yourself and move on.”
Silence fell as Lily’s words reverberated inside her. Forgive yourself. Easier said than done.
Lily moved as if to leave the room.
“Wait.” Abigail’s hands were shaking and her voice wobbled. “I never…” She cleared her throat as Lily arched her brows. “I never actually apologized for how I treated you and your friends.”
Lily's lips twitched with amusement. "And you haven't now." She leaned in toward Abigail as if letting her in on a secret as she whispered, "Apologies typically include the word 'sorry' somewhere in there.”
Abigail was shocked by a laugh that bubbled up inside her.
Lily truly had not changed a bit. And she waited now, her gaze expectant, her smile knowing as Abigail drew in a deep, fortifying breath and prayed for courage. "I'm sorry, Lily."
Lily smiled. “And I forgive you, Abbie.”
Abigail laughed, an age-old tightness in her chest easing with those words. “Abbie?” she said. “No one has called me that since I was a girl.”
Lily shrugged, and she was laughing as well. “Well, perhaps it's time to remember that girl. Once upon a time you were a rather wonderful best friend, if I recall.”
Abigail’s eyes welled with tears at the words, but she shook her head with a sad sigh. “No, there's no going back.”
“No," Lily agreed. “You’re right. There is no going back, only forward. History doesn’t have to define you, but you can decide who you want to be now. Who you want to be in the future.” A hint of mischief flashed in her eyes as she cast a quick glance toward the door, back toward the library where she’d left Alex. “It seems to me you have a rather important decision to make about which direction you want to head.”
Abigail’s heart surged with hope, and despair, and a million other emotions. She felt as though she were standing on the edge of a precipice and she had no idea whether she should leap or run. Which was safer? Which was kinder? What was the right thing to do?
Lily’s gaze was so familiar and new all at once. It had been years since Abigail had seen that laughter or that kindness, and her throat was so tight with unshed tears, she had to fight to be heard. “I don't deserve him, Lily.”
Lily gave her a small, sympathetic smile. “That's for him to decide, don’t you think?”
Abigail pressed her lips together, grateful that her former friend hadn’t tried to convince her she was wrong. But Lily did not know everything. “He might have proposed just to save me.”
Even saying it aloud made her stomach turn.
Lily shrugged. “Or he proposed because he cares about you.”
Abigail tilted her head from side to side as she considered that. “How do I know which it is?”
Lily laughed, but the sound wasn’t unkind. Just knowing. “Abigail, there is only one person who can answer that question and he is not in this room.”
Abigail winced. Lily was right, of course.
But what if he didn’t? Could she really handle hearing him say it aloud? It was bad enough to suspect he’d proposed for all the wrong reasons, she wasn’t certain she could bear it if he told her so to her face.
Lily crossed her arms again, her expression turning far more grim. “Abigail, I have seen all the ways you’ve changed over the years, but there is one part of you that has always stayed true.”
Abigail arched one brow, mildly afraid of what that trait might be.
“You are a fighter. A survivor,” Lily said. “You are stronger than most people I know. That's not a bad quality...if you use it in the name of love.”
Abigail nodded. “Yes, I suppose you’re right.”
“You do love him, don’t you?” Lily asked, her tone far more gentle.
Abigail could only nod, tears were already starting to spill.
Lily moved forward and braced her by her shoulders. “Then go do what you do best, Abigail. Go fight for what you want.”
The thought of it made her tremble with fear and quiver with excitement. “What if I fail?”
Lily considered that for a moment. “That would be hard, but you would survive. I guess the question is...is he worth the risk?”
Abigail didn’t have to think twice. She nodded. “Oh yes. He’s definitely worth risking everything.”
13
Alex watched Abigail leave the library, his chest tight with regret. Something had just gone very wrong. Though, as he watched her walk away, back straight, head held high, he struggled to decide what.
He’d just defended the woman he loved. Wasn’t that how a man was supposed to act? He’d declared his intentions, he’d—
“Major Mayfield,” Lady Gorem’s sharp voice cut through his thoughts.
He turned to look at the woman who so closely resembled Abigail. Outwardly, anyhow. True, her chestnut hair, the curve of her jaw, the line of her back were nearly identical, but there were important differences between the two women. Most notably, the hardness in Lady Gorem’s eyes. “Your Grace.”
For a brief moment, he wondered how Abigail had managed to retain any softness at all. But then again, she was one of the toughest people he knew, and he realized she’d been fighting to be a good person for some time. That made him relax, just a bit. Had she denied his suit because she didn’t want him or had she been protecting him too?
“Has it occurred to you…” The duchess’s mouth pressed into a firm line, “that you are ill-suited to court my daughter?”
<
br /> He cocked his head. “My connections are strong enough. My wealth is growing. My affection undeniable.” He took a step closer to the woman, standing taller. He had no intention of backing down now. “How am I ill-suited?”
Lady Gorem’s chin tilted higher. “I have worked tirelessly to make my daughter the most perfect candidate on the marriage mart. To think that she would end up with you…” She waved her hand with a sneer of disdain.
Alex’s lips thinned over his teeth in a grimace. If he had his way, this woman would be his mother-in-law. Best to tread carefully, but every instinct told him to give her a good setdown. “A man who would work tirelessly to make her happy?”
Something flashed in the duchess’s eyes. Alex couldn’t say if it was indecision or regret. “You want to make my daughter happy? Please.” Her chin notched again. “You want the dowry of a duke’s daughter, you—”
“Your Grace,” He cut her off with a clipped tone. “I don’t give two figs about her dowry. But, with your permission, I would like to go after your daughter. Something’s not right and I need to find out what that is.” He’d seen pain flash in Abigail's eyes before she’d left. The more he thought on it, the more he realized that wasn’t the behavior of a person who didn’t care.
Relief eased the tension in his chest. She might have rejected him, but not because she did not have feelings for him. In fact, he was starting to suspect it was because she did.
The duchess blinked once, then twice. “I cannot condone such behavior, Major.”
“Major,” Marigold called from behind him from the doorway. “Perhaps we should allow the duchess to make her way to the drawing room. Dinner will be starting soon.”
He just barely held back an exasperated sigh. He’d like to continue this conversation. In his estimation the duchess needed a good reminder about kindness and the proper way to treat people that one should love. But he gave a stiff nod.
“You’re too young to dismiss me, Lady Arundel,” Lady Gorem snapped back. “I told Abigail this party was a mistake.”
A Hero for Lady Abigail Page 10
